We are seperated when we sleep and we haven't had emotional or physical contact in a long time. I'm talking all the way down to no hugs. If money wasn't an issue he tells me he'd already be gone. Mind you, his brother who has a HUGE house lives a half mile from us. H has been told he is welcome there anytime.

~ H still wears ring
~ Is still at home
~ Still asks me to lunch everyday with him (We work in same building...big building)
~ We eat dinner as a family
~ He reads most of my posts and all of your replies here on MB's.

My IC says for me to look at what he doesn't say and do instead of always on what he DOES say.

Also, I try to flirt with him or just be goofy and he will, every chance he gets, say "were seperated". Why does he feel it necessary to tell me that ALL THE TIME? I know this! I see it and feel it every second of every minute of every hour. Is he telling me that for his benefit or mine? Is he trying to stay focused on his decision?

***One new note to add to my story...he is going on a hunting trip starting next Wednesday morning until Sunday night. 5 days. This will be the first time in uummm our whole marriage that he has been gone away from me on vacation by himself and first time away from kids by himself. He said he is going to use this time to see if he misses me and he is going to use the 7 hour drive back to think about things. Things like whether or not he missed me, can trust me again, can be "in love" with me again...to see if he can give me and us one last try.

That's good right?

I think it is good. At least you have a real desire for reconcilation. I am the opposite of your BH. I am trying desperately to get my FWW to work on marriage, but she keeps pulling away from me. Tells me that she "needs space" and "more time to find herself". We are about to have a similar arrangement that you have. Although right now we are planning on sleeping in the same bed together. We are going to be just roomies. That's what my wife said that she wants....for now. At least until she starts coming to counseling with me in about 3 to 4 weeks.

Let me know how things are going with your sitch.

I hate that "I'll see if I miss you line"..lol..my husband uses that as a big thing. Hey, there's times I don't miss him!!

I don't think a short vacation from you is necessarily enough to "miss you" but I DO think the SHORT time alone and him thinking on things is a good thing. Your husband does not seem indifferent towards you..another good thing!

Why should you look at what he does not say or do? You cannot possibly know what is in your husband's mind or heart so it's pointless to wonder. Though maybe I'm misinterpreting.

Don't think of it as "My husband has not left" Think of it as "My husband has stayed" He has stayed and that is a FACT but if you word it like "my husband has not left"..well..that just has negative connotations. I think that if you CAN turn something into a positive instead of a negative that you should, even if it's just to yourself. I truly believe that we send out vibes in very subtle ways.

It sounds to me like you're doing a good plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and it is having an effect, even though he claims it's not a good one. I wouldn't necessarily let him fool you on that.

The positive thinking that you suggested is what the counselor was telling me to do. I'm going to do that.
<<<hugs to you both for responding>>>

SC...we can help each other get through this. I'll keep you posted on mine and you do the same. I think the reason she isn't wanting to work on the marriage is because she is in some sort of fog....maybe she is missing the OM? I see you said recently shipped to Irag. I don't necessarily mean miss OM as a person, but the "new feeling, excited feeling" you get in a new relationship. Maybe she misses the excitement. How often do you try to get her to work on the marriage? I only ask because I spent the past 12 weeks (86 days to be exact) bringing it up in some form or fashion. I made him think about it everyday. He actually feels guilty for not wanting this right now or not knowing if he CAN trust again. I wore us both out emotionally.

Every MB friend on here told me to stop pushing. I was just able to bring myself to do that at 7:00 pm Tuesday night. 11-2-04. I'll let you know if it works.

Yes, I bring it up regularly too. I told her today that I am finding it hard to think of other things to talk to her about. I feel like there is this barrier between us and I want to start working on tearing it down. My doesn't want to talk. Just wants more time and space. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you informed. I would be happy to work on this together with you.

And I do think that you are right. She doesn't miss OM. She misses the excitement and the new feeling. She has said that she missed it before the affair. Having it offered to her by OM made it very tempting for her and she accepted. Now I want that new feeling for us. I think it is possible. But we have to start working on our problems first. She's just not ready to do that yet. So I guess she is kinda in a fog right now. Stay in touch!!

SCdazed: How are YOU feeling about all of this? Are you hurting still for the A? Do you know in your heart that you can forgive her?
My H has that same wall up around him. I hate that I can't help him bring it down. Makes me feel like I have to try harder. Thing is, my efforts and love are running into that wall and just rolling down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hurt him badly 4 years ago with my A's. Although they were all grouped together, there were 4 guys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I didn't only hurt him, I HURT HIM. It was like a 6 month spann. He found out about one and then heard about the others. I think the part that he still holds on to is that I just didn't come clean about them all when he found out about the 1 guy. We seperated for like 4 months and then I came out of the fog and realized I wanted my H and only my H after about 2 weeks. It took him awhile to know whether he wanted to work on M. But he also had that space to heal.
13 months ago I was on bedrest with my son (bad pregnancy) and H wasn't there for me emotionally. So I was e-mailing an X. It wasn't so much the content of the e-mails, but WHO it was. Just the person alone was more hurtful to him then anything. I never saw the X or even talked to him on the phone. For me it was just a man to e-mail and get some sort of comfort feeling. I stopped before my son was born 10-16-03. I knew it was wrong because I knew my H would get upset. (I NEVER KNEW AT THE TIME THAT IT WOULD HURT HIM THE WAY IT HAS...I ONLY THOUGHT HE'D BE UPSET THAT I WAS GIVING INTO THIS X MY E-MAILING HIM) I did hide them and I didn't tell H. Well time passed...February of this year he found the e-mails. (in e-mail trash) H never told me. He let the feelings he had about them and how worthless he felt as a husband eat at him. Until 12 weeks ago.
Here we are... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Are you sure that "hunting" trip is really a hunting trip? It is always amazing how often the WS goes on a trip or a vacation or visit their family when in this situation. What usually happens is that they are going to see the OP and the trip is only an excuse. He will try everything in the world to convince you that he is telling the truth, and even go so far as to fake all hunting gear and such... You may want to investigate this further. It smells fishy to me.

I'm pretty sure it's a hunting trip. He is the BS and I'm the FWS.
Although nothing is fool proof, to date, he has been faithful to our marriage.

If he was going to cheat or see another W...there is nothing I can do now about it. He has given no reason to not trust him. I can only pray that God will lead him away from anything bad...if he so intends to do something bad.

I think he needs a break from everyday life. He has been hurting inside for long...he has forgotten how to even smile.

Yes I am still hurting over the A. But I know that I can forgive her if I feel like she is committed to working on the marriage. Right now she is not. She is still in the fog, I guess. My will to save this marriage and my love for her is fading. Something has to change soon.