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I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
"Iron this!"
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ok im thinking.....i have been sick for 2 weeks now and the meds are clouding my mind. give me a bit and i'll come up with two more things. ok got one....one thanksgiving i actually cooked the turkey with the bag still in it with the innards. i looked in the cabity of the bird when i was washing it out and no bag....i figured they missed putting it in. so i dressed it and cooked it. WHEN THE HELL DID THEY START PUTTING THE INNARDS IN THE NECK CAVITY!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (IM A CHEF.....THIS WAS REALLY SAD.....)
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ok im thinking.....i have been sick for 2 weeks now and the meds are clouding my mind. give me a bit and i'll come up with two more things. ok got one....one thanksgiving i actually cooked the turkey with the bag still in it with the innards. i looked in the cabity of the bird when i was washing it out and no bag....i figured they missed putting it in. so i dressed it and cooked it. WHEN THE HELL DID THEY START PUTTING THE INNARDS IN THE NECK CAVITY!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (IM A CHEF.....THIS WAS REALLY SAD.....)
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DOES POSTING IT TWICE COUNT??? lol I REALLY BELONG HERE!!!!
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I think I will hang up my short order cook hat and hand it off to you Nikko... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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2005 WOW...DOESN'T IT LOOK STRANGE???? might have to watch it quietly for awhile just to be sure. Now how will know if he truly loves you?????? When you come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they move the Playboy centerfold to a less frequented room and they hide dirty dishes in less conspicuous places. They let you see the remote control. You as a woman will never actually GET to use the remote, so consider a distant viewing of it a positive sign. They rub your feet for 1-2 minutes before requesting a BJ. They take one of those Cosmo quiz things without complaining. Although they will resent you for it for LIFE (please make a note of it) They turn off the computer in order to spend more time with you. If they actually delete the porn mail- you can expect a proposal within weeks. They use "we" when they used to use "I" ("We can't go out tonight. We're giving me a BJ") They stop making references to their ex-girlfriends ("I am in love with my ex-girlfriend", "I am stalking my ex-girlfriend" and "Gee- my ex-girlfriend sure gave me a great BJ!") They don't mind that their parents, pets and children like you better. Their friends will never like you better- they undoubtedly want to sleep with you, but they will never like YOU. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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groan...AW that was not the best way to start the NY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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DS wisdom not mine......lol cynical isn't she. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is more my style............ THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy "I'm tired" = I'm tired "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex? "I love you" = Let's have sex now "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different! "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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got another idiot thing...boy that steaming hot shower helped..... goes back to the waxing stuff.....i was also a hairdresser/colorist for over 20 yrs.... our shamppooist decided to was herself...yes down there...now you have to keep in mind she only shampooed...was not a licsenced cosmotologist. she had done eyebrows and lip waxing....so really whats thie difference right...just a bigger area. so off she goes at the end of the day, unbeknownst to us what she is going to do...as we are finishing up on the floor we all hear this bloodcurddling scream...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ....i run in there and she is covered---and i mean covered with wax down there....and yes it is the heated professional kind..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> didnt miss a spot---covered the whole thing--all at once...still not quite sure how she did this but.....after i pick myself off the floor and she is done kicking me for laughing so hard....i stay for 4 hours to help her remove the wax. now at this point you must be saying....wow what a wonderfull thing to do, this isnt idiotic.....but let me finish....i spent 4 hours with a low heated curling iron and wax strips down there, one little section at a time, reheating the wax and removing it. put strip on....rub slowly with iron to heat it up slowly....dont miss and burn her....RIPPPPPP! NEXT SPOT. 4 hours doing this.......only to realize we arent out of the liquid wax remover it is just in the back room!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
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ok Nikko, you must be our resident sadist. One more... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
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Hey Y'all!! Wow, have you been busy today!!! Happy New Year AW!! BOB!!! So very glad to see you post...and that you had a good holiday. I must admit I was abit concerned for you and your family, and have spent a lot of time praying for you the last week or so...I had heard about an auto accident near Orlando, which involved two British families, it did not end well (I know you said you'd be in S. FL, but didn't know if your trip might include a day with Mickey Mouse)...SO, I've been praying ever since that you and your family were spared that tragedy, and I'm so relieved to see you post again!! To All of Idiotville, have a happy and blessed New Years!! Love and {{Hugs}} to you all!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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{{{IDIOT}}} (from brown too!) NIce to be home together! "I eat pieces of s$it like you for breakfast!" </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OT, I went to www.tarot.com and got my cards read for fun(free after you register). Whoah! It can sure be interpreted to fit my sitch. Even the warnings! Strange but a good diversion.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it is just entertainment, but,, wow! This is scary how close/dead on some of the "readings" can be! BOB!!!!!! Welcome back! Too much coffee this mornin'...gotta go find a 7-11 cup! Nikko! Welcome! Dietician, huh? Certainly not chef! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
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Good to see so many idiots! (Really.) Brown and I have had a rough few days.
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Posted to edit: And I usually do NOT say this, but, I am so glad 2004 is ending!
Here's to a healthy, happy, proseperous, self-preserving, self-growth, and togetherness--for all in 2005! (It won't be the same without [censored] though!)
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Can I edit the above last line?!?!?!?
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GOOD MORNING IDIOTS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! 8.30am, January 1 2005 in this neck of the woods. We didn't stay up to watch it in but were woken at 1.30 this morning by (real) idiots singing "taooo-taaaaaaaooo" at the top of their voices about 3 streets away. @**%$ numbskulls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Hi Nikko, reading this whole thread sure does count you as an Idiot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> BOB, WELCOME BACK!!!!!!! Jen (.)
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(brown just left the room! (She said if she was sitting she would have fallen off the chair.)
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Liny, you may absolutely not edit that last line!!!! It gave me my first laugh of 2005. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
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