FF, BS emotions vascillate wildly and we can't control hem at their apexes. With time they swing further but less fast.

It sthe hurt talking. Love him and be patient is my advice. Thats what I'd want to happen.

{{{{FF}}}}

double post sorry

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: faithful follower ]</small>

Oh, Faith, what a lousy night. LB is no fun, to give or to receive. Did you anything get resovled?

how was the MC session itself? tough??

i would think it was just the stress of all this stuff talking. have you guys had a chance to say hi to each other this morning yet? is there some gesture you can make to let him know you are ok and strong enough to see his emotions and still hold on to hope, faith and love?

FAA - it's not that Finances are the #1 EN for either of us, just that some kind of financial breathing room would be nice - Honestly, I can't get H to take the EN Questionnaire...and I (shamedly) admit I've not read HNHN, but I want to, and have that on my list of things to do soon!

Here's the thing - we have a family picture that has hung on our wall since 12-01...5-02 was first D-day. The pic has been there all this time, and I've dusted it, and admired it, and thought "Wow! we looked so happy there" Well, when I decorated for Christmas, I put the tree in a new place, and (because it's one of those big pics and the tree partially covered the pic, I took it down) I hung our stockings in the place where the pic had been. This past weekend, I was in the office, and something in the pic caught my eye - actually, it was something that wasn't there - my H was not wearing his wedding band...so I looked, REALLY LOOKED at the pic, and NOBODY in the pic really seemed to be happy - H had such a distant look in his eyes, and I just keep thinking - how could I have missed that for all this time? He swears he wasn't entertaining any thoughts of OW at time, and says she hadn't even been in the workplace yet. But, he seems so blank (? not sure if that's the right word or not).

It was during the time that the pic was taken that I was out on maternity leave, and we were seriously entertaining the idea of becoming a one-income family, and could we make it. I wonder if it was too much pressure on him, but he didn't have the brass to tell me. Anyway, his EA was after I quit work (Mar-02) - You see, we've had our fair share of financial struggles - just about the time it looks like were gonna just get ahead, the wind gets knocked out of our sails...I mean, here I was wrapped up in the loss of my dad, a brand new baby, and I was wanting to leave a $55K/yr job ( I don't have any college ed behind my name - where else was I gonna make that kind of $$)...H made a little less than me, but on paper it worked, so I left my job. This weekend, even before I saw the pic, too many things just seemed to be a repeat to the start of 2002 - I'm just going crazy I guess, reading too much into too many things...

I was really just wondering if it made anybody feel like it wasn't worth the fight to make the $$ and save the M, seemingly by theirself? (H has said many times that I was emotionally unavailable when he had the EA - funny thing was, I felt like I was finally awake from the unavailability - I was making it a point to be at home during the day, instead of the 2hr drive to the office, just so we could "rendevous" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> anytime he wanted - SF was becoming a daily, and then some, thing for us...then just when I thought "OK, whew!! I've dodged the bullet - he could have cheated before, and I wouldn't have been able to blame him, but now, there's no reason to." So, here I was feeling safe, and BAM!!! Right between the eyes.

OK, now I'm rambling, and this is way too serious for I'ville, 'specially this early in the a.m.!

Sorry guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks Bob, that is what I am trying to do but my emotions got away with me. Unfortunately anger flew in both directions because of his A's too. I have been doing so well too.

FL, yes MC was tough cuz he doesn't want to go anymore. Our MC basically told him that because of his issues with being distant and disconnected that either he would need years of IC or we would need years of MC to have a satisfying life. He did not want to hear that!

Did we resolve anything? Only me apologizing and we did kiss/hug before he left this morning. I did learn something from you FL. I asked him last night if everything I have contributed to this M and our children have been erased because of my A and my deception. He said no.

Thanks everyone, I really need the hugs today. Feeling pretty shaky emotionally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was really just wondering if it made anybody feel like it wasn't worth the fight to make the $$ and save the M, seemingly by theirself? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YL, we have similar issues. I have little college background but a great job. I am the main breadwinner and my job has the benefits. I want to quit and be home with my disabled DS and spend time with DD before she is grown and gone. DS trust fund would pay me to care for him but it would be a HUGE loss of pay and no insurance. Scares my H and so we are still fighting the losing battle of me being overhwhelmed all the time. {{YL}}

Faith, ST and I have learned, that he needs to be honest with me about his triggers or thoughts, when he comes right out and says what he is feeling or thinking, I can be understanding, if he doesn't, than I'm always on the defensive.

I now, try and hug him, and reassure him I am sorry I have hurt him, and I will never allow something like this to enter our M again.

This always works, we both feel better.

YL, sorry for your triggers. It is so hard to put a finger on exactly what drives a person to cheat. I know that the BS needs answers, but there is so many factors that play apart in it.

Financial stress, unmet needs, character flaws, and the list goes on.

DWH has decided no more contact with the STOW and the children. I'm totally conflicted in how I feel about this. I love those babies, but STOW is a nutcase and she gives me the uber willies. I KNOW we're the only true stability in the children's lives...heck, these past two weeks they were with us was probably the first time mija has been totally lice free since she was a baby (we had two comb out screaming sessions while she was here and I got them all gone!).

But he thinks that it would be better for everyone if NC is established. We'll see.

I could cry, but I'm also relieved.

- Kimmy

FF,

I'm going to translate this for you as I see it. But you've seen all of the names I've been called here...freak, etc, so take it with a grain of salt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We had a conversation after MC that led him to tell me once again that he came back for the kids.

This sounds to me like a typical man/woman communication breakdown. What was he saying? It's important for you to know that he came back for the kids. They are why he is starting this recovery process. What he didn't say (unless you left it out) was if/when his reason for staying is you. Two totally different things here. I think you wanted to hear something that he may not be ready for yet.

Partly due to my pms I broke down and cried.

Don't use this as an excuse with him going forward. Men don't get to use it, we respect you and naturally give a bit more latitude, when we know.

That got him angry because he said this is not new information, you KNEW that already.

You did know it didn't you? He said he came back for the kids. That may sting a bit, but he's back. Count your blessings.

But the kicker is he told me he has not decided yet if he is going to stay with me. He told me that before last night that he was.

He's got a rationalization for trying in his head. Don't try to change that. He's willing to try for the kids. Eventually that will change. Slowly. He'll stay for you.

Do you think this was just anger talking?

Maybe, and maybe a bit of fear too. If you try to change his rationalizations what is he left with?

Chin up. Listen to the smart people about what to do next. But, IMHO it's not that bad and you can fix it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
R?

R??

I'm reduced to one letter now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I had a title that was a half mile long yesterday and now it's just R??

Sheesh!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Mr. Robby13, Robbythirteen, Mayor of Idiotville, Sir:

Please accept my sincere apologies for the casual way I addressed you in an earlier post. I'm sure you would see, if the Jelly! thread were still available, that I have/had always addressed you as simply "R" being that I was one of the original Jelly! "residents", and you were the only "R" named character there. Again, please accept my request for forgiveness. In the future, I will be sure to refrain from any sort of relaxed salutation, and will only greet you as stated above, Mr. Robby13, Robbythirteen, Mayor of Idiotville, Sir.

Respectfully,
Yellowline, aka YL aka LemonDash


NOT!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Get over it, dear sir!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> "R" you have been, "R" you will continue to be!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

{{Kimmy}} What a difficult sitch you have. I know you love those babies. Maybe just you and your DWH backing away for a time can give you some peace and time for true healing in your M?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by YL:
<strong>
OK, now I'm rambling, and this is way too serious for I'ville, 'specially this early in the a.m.!

Sorry guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'ville? WTF?

j/k!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Don't apologize though. Nothing is ever to serious for Idiotville!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I have an opinion but feel woozey after my reply to ff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Let me know if you want to hear it.

And FL is back!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

YL, your funny. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kimmy, bitter sweet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Faith (Thanks KY, I like that better than FF): NOW told me something shortly after dday. "I'm still here aren't I." At the time, I had trouble with it. I came on MB whining about it, trying to figure it out. Now your H hasn't told you that, but what are his actions. He's still there. So that is half the battle. As long as he's there you have a chance. Use it wisely, as best you can and are able.

{{{{{Faith}}}}}

{{FF}} - sounds like you're in the same boat I am...doesn't make it better or easier, but sometimes makes it more tolerable to know you're not alone, thanks!...as for the MC and last night - I don't usually see a lot of advice from Robby13, but looks like he's pegged this one quite well...listen to him, I think he's onto something there! {{FF}} we're here to listen anytime you need to vent!

FL - ditto for you - vent anytime, It's pretty safe here, and we all do it from time to time! {{FL}}

KY - thanks! I know the triggers are there, and they don't stop...sheesh, I was telling you the same thing just a few weeks ago...guess it's easier to talk it than live it, huh?! Love to you and ST {{KYST}}

Robby - good advice to FF, incase you didn't read my lines to her! {{R}} (didn't want you to feel left out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Kimmy - I understand your love for those babies...I've been in a similar sitch with my SIL and her kids...I know they'd be better off with me than with their mom and her cheating and the wicked attitudes that go on in their home, but NC ended up being a blessing in disguise - eventually, we got to see them again, and now they come around, just in much smaller doses than before, and I no longer feel responsible - I've done everything I can to try and get them, and I've been sabotaged at everyturn by M/FIL...So, not wanting to, but I've had to turn my back (NC) and said I've done all I can - if they get hurt it's on your hands now. Will pray for you! {{K}}

And, to the rest of Idiotville...just feelin the love today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> {{{{{Idiotville}}}}}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, Robby13 - I do value your opinion...being of the male species, and about the same age, et al, I think you've had a rather odd sense of a lot of the things my H tends to think...and, I can use all of that "male insight" I can get! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> fire away sir, I've got the bullet proof vest on today, I CAN TAKE IT!!!

Robby13 said:
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

GREAT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> now it looks like I'm sucking up - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Oh, and Don't go there people!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Morning YL. Being you're an original Jelly, and I don't know how old Robby is, how old is your H?