In view of today's happenings, I feel I have to kick WH out tonight. I am taking his things and putting them in his car while he is at band practice along with this letter:

Dear WH,
It is with great sorrow that I feel I must write this letter. I love you very much. However, I cannot go thru this again. There is no room in our marriage for three people.

You have continued to be in contact with OW. You have lied to me about it. Al the excuses you gave me for contact were just that...excuses. And you still have not told the whole truth about anything.

I am asking you to leave. I do this because I can no longer allow you to disrespect me and our marriage. You made a lot of promises to me before you moved back home. You have not even tried to fulfill any of them. I hope you realize that I am not playing "head" games with you. Our life together means more to me than that.

If you decide that you want to stay married to me... you must:

Have no contact with OW. What so ever. Of any kind. Period. Even if you have to change jobs.

Go to a counselor. You have alwalys been very strong, and strong willed. But I feel that you have gotten into a position where your strength is not of help to you.

Radical honesty. And you must be WILLING to do whatever it takes to help me feel secure in our marriage. Your life must be an open book to me, as mine is to you.

Be 100% committed to the recovery of our marriage.

Marriage counseling, or marriage coaching by telephone.

I will send you mail to you at work. I will deposit the rent money and the money for the four-wheeler payment into your account, and send the deposit slip to you. All payments and financial arrangements we have made can remain the same as far as I am concerned.

Please do not contact me. If you do come to the realization of what our marriage could be, and how happy we could be together, you will find a way to get in touch with me. We could then TALK about your returning home.

If you should feel like doing anything to hurt yourself, you must first think of your children, and what any of your actions would do to them. Everything we do in our lives affects someone else. Especially those closest to us.

I am asking you for a reason to continue with our marriage. Please give me a reason. In my heart, I still have hope for you, and me, and our marriage.

You already know how much I love you. I need to feel the same from you in order for us to continue. You have always been the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

K

I hope I am doing the right thing. I don't think there is any way that WH could mis-interpret this letter, and the conditions I ask.

What do you think?

^bump^

I guess I need some reassurance. K

I think you are doing the right thing.

I agree that you let him back too soon this time and without clear actions that he needed to do to prove his sincerity. You have basically gotten nothing from him as far as his seriously wanting to work on the marriage.

I wish you well.

Thank you Trix....

WH keeps calling. I'm not answering. I feel bad that he doesn't know what is coming.

K

I agree with Trix. I just posted on recovery board that H broke NC (I had to snoop to find out--suspected of course). H quit his job and we moved our family from DC area to Florida. I would love to kick his butt out, but the situation is different for us (new area, kids happy in school, don't know anyone else).

You are in a good position for Plan B--do it! I still may do it too. H is too tired to talk tonight (its 9pm and he got caught so he is in bed). Isn't it amazing how when they come back too early it's still all about them. Gee it must be sooooo hard to give up OW even though they want to work on M. Never mind the pain we go through. In fact H was pissed off saying that I have spent the whole time since the move rifling through his stuff and how do you think that makes HIM feel!!!! Obviously, justified to have contact.

So, let him go and come back when he is willing to do what it takes to get YOU back (I know they always say the right things and actually mean it at the time when they want to come back).

Good luck. You're in a good position for this.

FE_H

K, I think you wrote a very good letter, and for your own wellbeing need to do this. Just curious, any reason you can't give him the letter and ask him to be out by the weekend? CV

Hi FE_

I know what you are talking about. I never went to the recovery board because I never really felt we were in recovery.

It was all just too wrong. This is my 3rd and last time for Plan B.

I just don't know how WH will react. He will probably be furious, then sorry. I don't know where he will go. He has friends, and OW.

I guess I don't need to worry about that now.

K

I don't know CV.

It seems that it would be too emotional to do it that way. And he will surely try to talk me out of it.

I guess I could let him come home tonight, and give him the letter then.

My confusion and doubt grow.

K

K, I am not trying to talk you out of Plan B. If you think it needs to be done this way go with your gut. You know your situation and what you need. You have been more than patient. Whatever you do I support it. Did I miss something? How did you discover he is still involved with OW? CV

WAIT...I'm missing something too..I need more INFO

Gosh K. I was thinking of kicking my H out tomorrow (after he hooks up the heater to the pool) and we don't even know anyone here. What does too emotinal mean? When things are really, really bad, I seem to be more calm and decisive (not at all emotional--especially if I'm the one making the decision).

Of course, it depends what H says he is going to do when he wakes up in the morning. Jerk! I should have been more forceful!

I do know how you feel though. When I spoke to SH after our first "recovery," he indicated that you shouldn't be too quick to kick H out, since they tend to grow a thicker skin each time they leave. But I do not know your situation. And I am definately calling Steve next week for advice (wish he wasn't on vacation).

How did I find out?

My gut told me he was. I kept watching his work cell phone log (snooping). He figured I was, so he erased all the calls to OW from his cell log. They work in the same building.

I finally figured out that by watching his call timer on his phone (it shows how many calls are made) and zeroing it out every day, that the amount of calls on the log did not match up with the amount of calls on his call timer.

I confronted him with this on Friday. He started drinking again, and making veiled suicide threats.

He keeps telling me "it's for business". Said he only talked to her twice. Yet he was erasing 4-5 calls or more each day. He keeps his cell phones locked in his car at night.

He finally figured out yesterday about his call timer, and zero'd it out when he got home.

I confronted him with this today. "It's just for business". I told him before - no contact with OW or we were thru. And yet he did it anyway.

I don't know what he does during the day. He never tells me. I pointed out that he was able to carry on his A for 2 years while still living at home. It was easier for him after he moved to his own apartment a year ago.

It's been one month since he moved back home. He is distant. He has done nothing to reassure me of his commitment to our M. He is in contact with OW.

I don't know what else to do.

K

K...I am concerned about the brief time he's been home. The in the out..the in the out.

I don't think that's very good for either of you.

I don't know what you should do !!!

What about discussing this ?

If you kick him out... he'll slip a little further away.

How many times are you supposed to Plan B?

Are you sure this is the right thing to do ?

For God's sake..I hope nobody creams me...I'm just don't want you to make the wrong decision. I feel like it's such an important decision this time..and I'm not sure why I feel that way.

Only YOU know your situation.

I don't know if kicking him out because you don't know what else to do is what you REALLY want...and I'm afraid you'll regret it.

Let's discuss this some more.

I wish there were more people posting right now.

I Plan A'd for 2-3 months. WH kept sneaking around calling OW while he was with me. He kept lying about everything. That's one thing he hasn't quit doing.

I Plan B'd him while he was living in his apartment.

He's just a mess now. This whole thing's a mess.

I JUST DON'T KNOW!

I wish I could talk to SH now. I have an appointment with him on Nov. 10th.

Should I wait until after I talk with SH?

Actually..

K has yet to truly execute a plan B.

She has executed a shakey plan a 1/2 a few times.

I agree K..immediate..and with no chance to talk you out of it..or you surely will be.

He was not in withdrawl..he never severed contact. He has been cake eating the whole time.

I think your letter was fine.

He won't though..no matter what you write..to him it will be clear as mud. Hopefully the pain and loss will bring him some needed clarity. If not..good riddance.

K..I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself in a real way..how does it feel? [aside from the sweaty smothering fear and all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ]

--Noodle

God...this is AWFUL.

I wish I had that damned crystal ball...because I KNOW that is what you need the most.

There really isn't any PROOF that can be presented to the WH. HE KNOWS THIS.

I think it would be far more effective if we had more proof.

What is it you want to accomplish ?

Isn't the OW pissed off that he gave up his apartment and is back with you ?

This HAS to be making her a huge pain in the butt..... no ?

I'm behind you 100%...whatever you decide...I can just tell you are UNSURE....and I know Plan B is never effective if you can't stick with it....can you stick with it K ?

Be honest...go completely dark ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> Hi FE_

I know what you are talking about. I never went to the recovery board because I never really felt we were in recovery.

It was all just too wrong. This is my 3rd and last time for Plan B.

I just don't know how WH will react. He will probably be furious, then sorry. I don't know where he will go. He has friends, and OW.

I guess I don't need to worry about that now.

K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off K I am sorry for your pain. It must be very hard to continue to be emotionally devesatted time and time again. I can't imagine how that must feel. Can I ask you a question though? What makes this time different in PLan B? YOu have done it two times already, is there something this time that is different? I just am curious, as you have suffered more pain and lies and deceit than most people in a lifetime yet you are back in Plan B with hopes of saving your marriage? What is really different this time. It is cases like your's that are so puzzling and difficult for me to undertsand. You don't have to answer my question, but I am just trying to undersatnd all of this. I will say a prayer for you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Noodle.....

Sweaty shakey fear aside.....

I'm doing this tomorrow. I am physically unable to get his things together tonight. I am unable to get myself together tonight. I am tired.

I want to look him in the face and say "I have been more than patient with you. I love you, and want to be married to you. But I just cannot let this go on and on like this. Because you and I both know that it will."

I have lived too long a life of being bowled over by others. It is time to stand up for myself. And I can do this face to face.

I feel like throwing his stuff in his car and sneaking away is the cowards' way out.

He never took the cowards' way out.....before.

K

Yes, I wish I had that crystal ball too.

I guess I'm tired of feeling that I don't really matter....that I'm an obstacle. A hurdle to get over.

I have always been unsure of myself. Part of my problem with the other Plan B's is that I still wanted to believe what WH was saying - that he was still an honest person.

I don't know what would be different now. It wasn't so hard to kick him out when he was already not really living here. This time, he is living here, so it's the real deal.

And I KNOW that he will probably end up living with OW.

I feel like I've already lost a lot. I don't have much else to lose.

K

Well K....
sometimes that's exactly what needs to happen. Harley warns this of that possibility.

This would be the first time he depends on her to meet all his EN.

This has the potential to work...only if you can really really stick with it.

Tell us the truth...can you ?