Why do our S's think they are the only one hurting?!! Why do they feel the need to CONSTANTLY point out that they don't WANT you? I am so sick of hearing the single references. I'm so sick of being told "don't bring it up" So as of Tuesday night I make a huge effort to stop talking about it...YET every where I turn he is throwing something in my face.
"Is that YOUR phone ringing?" (he just HAD to go out and get his own cell phone)
"We are seperated, we can't do that"
"I can't WAIT to go out of town next week"
"I can smile...just not around you."
"I was laughing and talking with MY kid"
The other night (Thursday) I had gotten up to get one of the kids a drink refill and I'd come back and he had placed two large blankets down the center of the bed. Like a barrier. We were just laying on the bed watching TV and he had to go do that. WHAT ELSE DOES HE THINK THAT'S GOING TO MAKE ME THINK ABOUT?!!! So it instantly hurts my feelings and all my positive feelings go out the window. I then need to talk about it.

I am sick and tired of being crapped on emotionally by him. How in the heck do you not LB when that is all he ever does to me??

I just asked him, moments before logging on here, "you do know that the reason we are at this very place in our marriage, is half because of you, right? His response..."I'm sure it is." Not, yes I know...
He so thinks this is all my fault. I'm sorry, but there are TWO people in this marriage and TWO people have failed thus far. TWO people have made mistakes along the way. TWO people will need to want to fix this marriage or it will take TWO people to end this marriage. It takes TWO signatures...

Thank you in advance for just listening to me vent...

Sorry read this wrong..... will reread and post later....

~ Snow

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Loving Wife.
I am going to post your message from September as it explains so much.

I hope that is alright with you; it will save you a LOT of typing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Just tell me if you want it deleted and I will as soon as I see it.

I think your message helps us to understand your situation!

It sounds to me like your husband needs to FORGIVE and stop 'muck raking'.

Sincerely, Rachel

***********************************************

LovingWifeInTexas
Junior Member
Member # 37684

posted September 17, 2004 06:25 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hey everyone! New to the board...so let me give you a little background.
Known husband for 12 years. Been married for 5 years. I cheated on him almost four years ago. We split up and we were able to work things out. Had a beautiful daughter who will be 3 in December and a son who will be 1 next month. Last year about this time I was e-mailing an ex while on bedrest. (had been on bedrest for three months)

It was stressful and hubby wasn't around for talking much. My husband has asked me not to e-mail him, but I did and I talked about personal things like my husband and I, my kids, my pregnancy, work, etc...

These e-mails stopped the week before I had Cody. My husband, Brian, found these e-mails in February, 4 months after they had been written. He decided to keep that from me until 3 weeks ago. He tried to just get over it on his own, and also part of him wanted to see if more of it would happen. Well it never did and keeping that from me just started eating him up slowly.
So...now we are at the point that he is so unhappy with me.

He can't trust me, he says he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't even know if he loves me. : ( He has caused himself to loose like 10lbs and he can't afford to loose anymore. He is so sick to his stomach that he is laying down right now. He doesn't want to talk about any of this. He needs an emotional break. I love my husband so much. I want to fix everything.

With him saying he doesn't know what he wants...makes me think that I can fix it. So I try different things...I think I've talked it to death.
I feel like at any 2nd he is gonna dump on me that he wants to leave. He has mentioned it...even asked if we should sell the house, get two apartments, and start over...date again.
What is that?!! We have two kids! We are married...what happened to our commitment? I asked him that a couple of days ago...and he said where has MY commitment been.

I haven't show any commitment to him except for the past year. Where was I the first four years? If he still feels this way, why did he give me a 2nd chance? Why did we bring two beautiful children in this world? Three weeks ago when he lays this bomb on me about finding the e-mails back in February and keeping that from me...I asked him if there was anything else he was hiding from me? To get it out in the open all at once...he told me nothing.

Over the past three weeks I've sensed a different person...like he was getting his feelings and ideas from someone. Someone that shouldn't be giving advice. So I asked him again Monday if he was talking to someone. Getting advice from someone. He said no. Wednesday night I was attempting to go to a new church's Bible Study, by myself. Couldn't find where to go and I'm not good at doing stuff by myself.

So I chickend out. Was gonna call husband on cell phone and hit talk twice to redail home. Calls an area code in Phoenix. I'm in Texas. So I asked him. He said he thinks it was from when he called on of the branches in AZ for work. Then he immediately changed the subject. A girl answered the phone and just said hello. So I knew it wasn't work related. I let it go until the next morning. I keep calling this number to see if she would answer again. Nope...went to a mailbox. Like a cell phone mailbox.

Anyhow...found out the next day that he has been talking to via phone and e-mail to this girl that works for the same company and lives in AZ. He says they are just friends. Yet he calls her on her cell phone from OUR cell phone on his way home from work! And he lied about it...and hide it. I told him yesterday...which was the worst day yet for us...that I couldn't have him carrying on that relationship.

He told me he wouldn't give that up. he wouldn't stop talking to her. I was over reacting and they were just friends. He was going to chose a friendship with another woman over his wife and two kids. One he lied about and hide from me.
So now I'm at the worst point in my life. He is so unhappy, sad, physically ill and now he is lying to me.

He said it makes it easy to lie to me because "I don't have all of him." Wow...he just puts a smiley face in e-mails to me in response to me saying "I love you"

I feel like I'm just being strung along...he says he doesn't know what he wants...I'm a pretty needy person emotionally and physically and I need to be touched, loved on, hugged. I'm so desperate for that...all of that. That I freakin get all giddy and excited inside when he just winks at me. How stupid is that?

He doesn't know if he will ever be able to trust me again. I'll I've given him are empty promises. Did I also mention I re-established my relationship with God the middle of May? I'm a totally different person than he or anyone else has ever seen. I'm fighting for my marriage...he has never seen that.

What do I do? How do you just not talk about something that is in limbo? How do I give him the space he needs to figure things out when he is just sitting back and hoping that it will come to him?

He keeps mentioning he wants "to miss me" he needs to get the "want" back. He is talking about separating. I can't do this everytime he decides that he hasn't forgiven me or that he notices that he isn't "in-love" with me.

I made a mistake...I sinned. I did the unthinkable. I've asked for forgiveness. God tells us we have to forgive over and over and then multiply that by 7.
God hates divorce...yet he is thinking about it. He can't forgive.

If anyone out there has experienced this or has some advice to give. I need it. I feel like all I'm doing right now is making things worse. I'm making him physically ill with "trying to hard"

God bless anyone who responds to this,
LovingWifeInTexas "

Loving wife in Texas.
Are things any better than they were when you wrote this in September?

Is your H still emailing and calling this new 'friend'?

Has he forgiven you for your emailing with another man? How that must have hurt him when he read them.

I bet you have kicked yourself a thousand times for not deleting them, true?

I care about you
Rachel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No, things are even worse now then they were. He just left the house mad.

It's the one thing in my entire life, as a person that I can't stand.

For as long as I've known him I've asked for him to never to go to bed angry. Over the years he has done it more times than I can count.

He just did moments ago what I don't think I can ever let go of. I begged him not to do it. I told him what it would do to me as a person. Not just a hurting wife, but as a woman in general.
Every man I've ever loved and wanted in my life has turned their back on me.

All he had to do was honor that one wish tonight and lock himself in a room or bathroom, or something.

He has hurt me like both my father's hurt me. I know you can't understand that, but he does. And still chose to start that truck and leave this house....man I can't stop crying.

lw,

Well, this ain't gonna be too very nice... just a forewarning. First, you cheat on him, he attempts to forgive you. Then, you cheat on him again. And you complain about men hurting you...perhaps you are actually self-destructive. My guess, you really need to see a counselor. If you cheated on him once, and he forgave you, then you had children and cheated on him again...and YES, you did cheat on him. He specifically asked you to not talk to this man...and you did anyways. After the first betrayal, and all the I'm sorrys and please forgive me's...what do you think he feels about you and how you feel about him?

I pretty much can tell you, men forgiving their wives once is a miracle, twice, well...I think you are experiencing what twice means. I'm sorry, but, you find yourself in a spot that, well, you created.

What can you do about this. Uhm, honestly, plan a your butt off and pray. That's about it at this point. I'm sorry, but, man...what do you really expect?

LWIT,

I am glad MYOS reposted your former response. I can totally relate, as my H turned to an EA with a "friend" to find support as well. My opinion is that it's a toxic combination. Both the A itself (and the lowered self esteem, heartbreak it causes) and the additional attachment of the BS to another person of the opposite sex that can further the destruction of the M. I am responsible for my A - and how it destroyed the M itself. But I do feel that the EA with another woman helped my H rationalize why he could never respect or trust me again. Maybe I am wrong, but it's just a gut feeling I have.

I confessed my A to my H - and from day 1, he became friends with a female. I trusted that he only thought of her as a "sister" and even confided in her myself. At the time, I thought she was a huge provider of support for me as well.

That is, until I found their e-mails.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . At which point, he mentioned wanting to spend the rest of his life with her, wanting to move in with her, taking "kisses" as his reward for taking her on vacation, etc. He claims he has not done anything physical (who knows <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ), but the emotional part is what hurts the most. Particularly when you want to save the M, and are remorseful for what you have done.

My M did not make it. But I now realize that he could not forgive me or respect me since my A. He did not respect me before my A either. He said he would not have changed had it not been for the A - but he also says my having the A is the reason he cannot stay with me (cannot forgive or respect)......so I'm not sure what to gather from that except that we would not have made it anyway.

I hope that you are able to save your M, and your H sees that he is missing an opportunity. I have no advice, but much empathy and prayers for you. Good luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

PS - I think it's important that you look into counseling since you had a "relapse" similar to an A. I think we all have to learn from our past, and if you were e-mailing an ex during you M, it means you were looking for something. Have you been able to identify that yet?

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

I see an IC and have been now for 5 weeks.
The EA last September was again my H not being there for me emotionally. I was have the roughest pregnancy ever. 2nd child and was beridden the last 4 months of pregnancy. I sent all of 15 e-mails in a 6 week period. I wasn't trying to get anything more out of the e-mails then some emotional support. Nothing else.

LWIT:

I don't want to add to the raining on your parade, but as a BH I will admit that it sounds like you really don't get it. You really don't have a clue how your H is seeing any of this.

Empathy is so crucial in this. You have to put yourself in his shoes.

I suggest you read through some of the BH posts here. Men and women generally do respond to betrayal differently, and you can't look at his pain like you would yours. He is a man.

Don't focus on how he ought to react. Focus on what he is doing, and feeling. Validate that in him.

LWIT,

You have embraced a train of thought that I suspect is undermining any afforts you make towards reconciliation.

See..the thing is..you still have not taken ownership for what you have done. You had an A because he wasn't meeting your needs.

Then you had an EA a couple of months ago because again he wasn't meeting your needs.


Your post really suggests that you place the ultimate responsibility for your affairs on his shoulders.

That's a pretty tall order lady.

You had an affair because you chose to meet your needs outside of your marriage and for no other reason. Until you embrace this concept I would be hesitant to even suggest to your H that he try to recover as you are..as demonstrated, likely to reoffend.

As for it only being an EA..well..what a consolation. Especially considerring that you were laid up in bed, pregnant.


He forgave you one affair..tried to move on..

Then he asked you not to make him vulnerable again and you did it anyway

Lets look at that again ..you *made him vulnerable*

Is his withdrawl becoming a bit clearer? It is self defense.

No excuses.
No excuses.
No excuses.
Own it.

As for his present behavior? He appears to be making sure you know that he has one foot out the door. Which, cruel as it seems..is more consideration than you gave him, isn't it?

I think an outstanding plan A is in order..and yes, he probably is having at least an EA..he doesn't think he owes you anything anymore. It's likely working towards being his exit affair..that last push to help him break his ties to you.

Evaluate your position re the affairs..if you really hold him responsible..let him go, please.

If you manage to find it in yourself to fully take responsibility for your actions..then plan A your hind end off and batten down the hatches. See, momentum is carrying him away. That is the direction he is applying force to. It will be difficult to turn it around. I won't make you any promises or even tell you I think it will be ok. If it were me in the drivers seat, I admit I would consider you a liability. Pretty much the only card you can play is the family/kids at first..sounds like his bank for you is both empty and locked.

Good luck nonetheless. I hope that the two of you are able to recover truly.

.02 Noodle

I just want to thank the other MB's on this for calling LW to the carpet. Usually, BS's get coddled a bit more, but, this one is an exception.

Soem outstanding posts in here, and hopefully, they will ring true for LW.

LW, you blame your husband in your words. It's apparent and obvious. I'm sorry, he was wrong for neglecting you in your state. I'm sure it felt rotten. But, do his actions justify yours? Don't worry, I would tell your husband the exact same thing...I personally understand how he feels in being betrayed by his wife, but nonetheless, he ahs no excuse to enter into the sin he is. If you perceive that he is having an affair, then, that is all that matters. He needs to stop his actions make it clearly apparent that he is not. That has nothing to do with whehter he divorices you or not...that is between you, him, and God, and actually, you have taken yourself quite a bit out of the equation. However, he has no right to separate himself from the Lord by entering into his own affair...he needs to leave his marriage before he embarks on another relationship.

Maybe I've not protrayed myself the way I want to be seen. This thread was started out of frustration.

I do take responsibility for my A's. I know I made the mistake and I'm paying the price.

That doesn't make it any easier for me to hurt though. As a WS, we hurt just the same. We get just as frustrated with emotional situations.

I posted this because I'm hurting too. He hasn't forgiven me AND I surly haven't forgiven myself.

Nor can his EA now be justified. Nobody's A's at ANYTIME can be justified. Emotional or physical. I don't care who you are. It's wrong.

I was wrong. I don't blame my H. I didn't mean to come out that way. I was angry when writing this post. Nor do I require him to forgive me. I would love for him to forgive me.

I've been working on me since May. I've been in IC's for 5 weeks now. I know that I've had issues in the past. I've recognized all that I've done wrong in the past. I'm working on fixing me for me. If my H does choose to move on, I will be a better person for me.

Thank you to all of you for being honest with me...that's what I like about this board. If your wrong, they put you in your place. As a person who is trying to grow and change, I need to hear it, see it, and work on it.

If not only for my M, for me as a person. I haven't been a very happy or nice person in the past. But it's never to late to realize that and change. I believe anyone, if they really want to, can change. But you HAVE to know what to change and be willing to accept that you still have bad about you.

Well received LW, you just went up a few notches in my book. You took that criticism very well...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingWifeInTexas:
I haven't been a very happy or nice person in the past. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And now you are making a conscious decision to change YOURSELF ...

cool
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pep

Slainte!..[raises glass]

.02 Noodle

Dear LovingWifeInTexas,

please know that whenever a human being honestly decides to be a better person and to take responsibility for his or her own actions...
this sends ripples of happiness through the entire cosmos.

Thank you for walking that path.