WH and DS came back this aft. from hunting trip. H rather uncommunicative - it was expected - and we made it through the evening until dinner.

During dinner some family business came up - I had been researching wills, etc. and H asked where a document was (I asked him for it, he gave it to me). I told him my lawyer had it. He went ballistic and told me to return it tomorrow, that I had no business taking our personal business and giving it to someone else. (He had no right taking his love and giving that to someone else, either.) I was very calm and refused to be bullied. I told him I would gladly return it, that I didn't know it was the only copy, etc. He continued to demand that it be returned tomorrow, and I very calmly stated that I would certainly get it to him this week. He became even angrier. He brought up how we had always been honest with each other about all business dealings. I said "You always told me that if a man would lie about one thing, he would lie about everything." (That has always been one of his statements, that if you told one falsehood, it made everything you said false. Can you see how our arguments always went? ) He stormed out of the house and drove away.

In past years, I would have been distraught over this, worrying, fretting. Truthfully, tonoight, I don't even care. He is not going to try to turn guilt on me (one of his favorite tactics). It was my father's favorite tactic, too. I grew up with him piling guilt on me and tearing me up inside with his accusations (which weren't true) It simply won't work any more. I have nothing to feel guilty about. Does this mean I am making progress? I am making myself stronger, and distancing myself from the problem. I was calm, never raised my voice, and told him several times, "You will not talk to me in that tone of voice." I want to save my marriage, but I will not be walked all over and bullied and intimidated any more. He is not dealing with the same woman I used to be. I gave in to everything, apologized even when it wasn't my fault, always said "I'm sorry" just to keep the peace. No more. I will not be a doormat. I have Plan A'ed my rear end off. I will continue to do so, but I'm through being controlled by a liar and a cheat. This time I am standing up for myself. (In a quiet, controlled Plan A way, of course) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I don't have enough experience to know whether this is a bad sign or a good sign. In a way, I think it might be good. I think he is realizing that I am not stupid. Reality of his actions are setting in and it is getting serious. I guess he thought it was a "game." Not to me. It is my whole life and the lives of several generations of my family. Our assets are a result of my family's hard work over a period of over 100 years. (I always let him take the lead and be the one who took care of business matters, and be the head of the family. It's biblical.) I have no idea whether anyone will even answer me tonight or not. But H is so fogbound he believes his own lies. I am way too tired and weary to deal with this. Please pray for me. I am trying so hard, and nothing I do will stop the A. I keep waiting for a breakthrough, for him to realize what he is doing, and how it is hurting me. The only thing I want out of the rest of my life is to spend it with him, growing old together and caring for each other. Only God can save this marriage. But an opposite force is working here, and I don't have any idea what the outcome will be.

I have an appointment with Steve H on Wednesday morning. In everything I have been doing for the past few months, I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Tonight may have been a turning point, but probably not in my favor. But I will no longer sugar coat the truth. He absolutely must face what he is doing. I wish to God I knew how to do that, but I don't. I am sorry this is so long, but I just needed to get it out. I never realized before how difficult it is to face the future when the future may be completely empty.

Please pray for me and my H.

Starz

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: starz ]</small>

{{{Starz}}}

I think you handled that very well.

If he is reacting badly, that is his problem- he owns it, not you.

I think it is probably guilt that is bugging him. Again, that is his to deal with. When he calms down, you could say something gentle like, " You seem upset- if you want to talk about what is bothering you I will listen."

Otherwise, just ask God to deal with him.

I will pray for you,

Shul

Hey fellow Texan,

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that overall, this is good. In one way, it could be perceived as a negative. You are losing love for him, since he is continuing the A. But in a positive note, it looks like you are beginning to stand up for yourself, and setting boundaries.

I like that you are not going to be bullied by him.

I like that you were able to let him leave.

I like that you are holding him responsible for his actions.

And by making these steps, you are strengthening yourself to become a healthier woman.

I suppose it looks like you are moving closer to Plan B. I hate to see that happen (or Plan D), but I think you know you cannot be happy being disrespected like this. I don't blame you - one bit. In fact, you would only be enabling the A if you plan A'd forever.

I hate to see anyone move closer to Plan B or even D. Simply because it hurts like heck. But in the long run, sometimes it's what needs to be done. Only you know Starz, but overall, I see this as you strengthining yourself. Way to go, girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope he comes to his senses and pulls his head out of his derriere! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Congratulations... that's what Plan A is about. You finding your inner strengh, enabling you to empower yourself, and deal with this mess in a calm and positive manner.

Don't think he missed it. A WS, even through all the fog, sees the changes. The changes don't do a damn thing, one at a time, but when you start to add them up, they carry some very important weight.

You did just fine. Continue with your resolve and believe in yourself. Let him know you love him, but you are not there for him to wipe his feet.

Stay strong

SD

Wow good for you.
You sound like you are moving on and protecting yourself yet at the same time remaining on the stance that you want to work on the marriage.
I think that is the tricky part about this whole Plan A bit. It is a fine balance between between loving yet at the same time not allowing yourself to be a doormat-it is the self worth you deserve. The double standard shouldn't exist right?
It is about setting boundaries too on what is and what isn't ok behaviors. Plan A sometimes sound like [censored] kissing to me. Personally for me that would make me run farther away from someone. Yet if you plan A with a certain kind of attitude like you are not going to stand for something and really push for that then it doesn't sound as bad to me.
Is anyone else having a hard time understanding PLAN A?

I guess he thought it was a "game." Not to me. It is my whole life and the lives of several generations of my family. Our assets are a result of my family's hard work over a period of over 100 years.

H married into the family assets and HE IS STILL HAVING AN A?? And it is continuing?

FIRE HIS A$$!! (and I do mean $$)

STARZ, you have a huge hammer here if I understand family owned businesses like I think I do. You tell him to stop the A or he is out!! And out of the family biz. The A must stop!!

You must become what that 100 years of generation has bestowed upon you. A STRONG WOMAN!!

double p

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

The family business is quite complicated - and in order to avoid huge estate taxes part of it is now in his name. So it's not as simple as it seems. In a D I stand to lose a lot. That's why I spent 6 months getting my ducks in a row before exposure and confrontation. And I took criticism for it on this site. But I at least know that I did the best I could to protect myself and my son from someone who is temporarily ill. That is the way I look at this. "For better for worse, in sickness and in health..." This is definitely worse, and it is definitely a sickness. I can't see past the bends in the road right now, but I am hoping for the recovery of my marriage, and I must be strong to survive whatever happens.

But I feel awful.

Starz,

I think you handled it very well.

You are rocking his boat, he is realizing that he stands to lose a lot.

You are changing for the better.

And it is good his anger is not affecting you like it once would have. Now you are becoming a strong woman, one who has boundaries and will not tolerate his treatment of you and nasty fighting tactics.

Like SD said you are finding your inner strength and this is what Plan A is all about when used properly.

Hang in there Starz, the pain won't go on forever.

Thanks, guys. Why does it feel so bad when you are doing the right thing? That's not a real question, just a rhetorical one.

If I am following MB principles, which I am trying to do, it feels exactly the opposite of what would be right in my usual setting.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done to distance myself from his anger, and know that if he walks away, I have to let him go.

Update -

I did return the document today. He emerged from the truck whistling as though his day had been great just as I was returning it to its place. I don't know if he knows I returned it or not, but I don't care. I probably should have put it off a couple of days just to show him, but I didn't. That's not my style. I do what I say I will do, I am not a game player. Nor am I a liar, as he is.

He met with her for about an hour this morning. (Don't ask how I know, I just do.) I am sure they talked on the phone all day, as usual.

I think part of his anger last night was sparked because, even though I told him 6 weeks ago that I had retained an attorney, I guess he thought it was a bluff. Although my attorney called OWH, maybe he didn't tell OW, so she didn't pass it on. We'll see. It doesn't really matter anyway. But I think he was angry because this was the first time he really believed that I did indeed have an attorney, and he was investigating property issues among other things. Surprise!! I am not so stupid, after all.

He was friendly tonight, we discussed supper, and he is in the office (here at home) in a business meeting. Probably because he thinks he bullied me into something.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starz:
<strong> He absolutely must face what he is doing. I wish to God I knew how to do that, but I don't. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While he has to make his own choices, all you yourself can do is tell the truth.
The truth will set you free, you know who originally said that.

An update I promised to some of you.

I had a session with Steve H this a.m. I feel better after talking to him, because now I have a plan of action to pursue instead of my guessing what to do next.

He is encouraging me to give him HNHN, and to ask him to read it and give me his opinion. I am also to fill out the Love Busters survey on the site and fax it to him.

I don't know if I will have success with H, or anything, but at least I know what to try.

I am still hopeful, in spite of all that has happened, that I can save this M. And I feel like I am doing the right things.

If you are praying for me, keep it up.

Hey if you have hope, I have hope for you too!

And plans are good.

I'm glad you called for a session, it's a very positive move on your part.

Let's hope he reads the book and the questionaire.

I love those questionaires. Before I came to this site I had no idea of how to have a good relationship. And no idea of DJ's, EN's, etc.

No wonder all my relationships failed. I had no relationship skills! Can you say relationship challenged? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />