We do need to talk and before the baby gets here. (I know he is getting excited about the baby, he's talking about her to his family more and more.) Maybe not the heavy R talk but at least to see where we stand right now and what his plans are for the immediate future, i.e. now and when I bring the baby home from the hospital. He is going to take 6 weeks off from work when she is born. Yesterday I was just not in the right frame of mind to push things, I was feeling way too emotional and felt like crying when he walked in the door. I'm going to try again on Wednesday.

Kloe, do not underestimate the state of mind you SHOULD be in for these R talks. I think you made a good call. Definately try and be centered and focused and open and loving - have the Giver out. If you didn't feel you could do that, I am glad you postponed.

Hang in there, girl! Get back up on that horse and try it again.

Spidey

You know what kloe....I'm going to suggest something a little different for you. I think right now is the perfect time to be a conflict avoider...afterall, you've got a delivery ahead of you, a newborn to concentrate on, and enough stuff to worry about without focussing on the R right now. Why not table ANY decisions for a while? Just relax, take care of yourself, enjoy the time you get with your husband...and NOT make R decisions or have R talks for the time being. Take a much needed break and give your body the attention and energy it needs right now from all of the emotional turmoil. Let this time be as happy as it can be under the circumstances...and focus not on your ailling marriage...but your healthy baby.

Hugs and blessings!!! Take a vacation from your problems chere....you need it.

(((((((((((((((kloe))))))))))))))

star*fish, I think why Kloe wants to discuss the R with her H before baby is born, is because he is suggesting moving back in the house when she is born, and staying in the guest room.

Kloe has been given lots of advice to find out where they as a "couple" stand before allowing him to move back in. Perhaps establishing some boundaries.

I believe that is why she feels the urgency to have this talk.

Spidey

Apparently I wasn't the only one regretting the lack of conversation this weekend. WH sent the following e-mail:

"I know I said I wanted to come over and talk this weekend but it didn't happen. We don't seem to communicate well. I guess you can blame me since I am the one that said I wanted to come over and talk about things. I should have initiated the conversation.

So because we can't communicate in person, I thought I would send you an email. Not the best way, but at least it is a start.

If you would like me to move home into the guest room, that would be fine with me. I would like to be there since you are getting closer to the due date and because I don't want you to be alone the last few weeks for fear that you may need someone around just in case you go into labor at the house. I want to be there for you and the baby. Things around the house need to be taken care of and I know you can't do a lot of stuff and don't expect you to because of your condition.

I plan on stopping by Wednesday after work (trying to leave at 2:00 this day) to come over and get the house cleaned for Thanksgiving. Hopefully we can talk more then or another day this long weekend."

Here was my response:

"It's not just you, it's me as well. I want/need to talk to you as well. I kept wanting to bring it up this weekend, but couldn't. We do have to find a way to start communicating better. I'm always afraid lately to hear what you have to say, but the not knowing is just as bad.

Or course I want you to move home. I don't want to be alone when I go into labor, but it's not that simple. We do have to talk about this. Lets try to sit down on Wednesday after we get the house ready. I think I am going to try to take the whole day off on Wednesday, I'm not really sleeping well so hopefully I'll be able to sleep in a little bit and have enough energy to get everything done. I'll talk to you then."

What do you think?

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: kloe72 ]</small>

He just replied to my e-mail:

"I don't have much to say other than I need to be at home with you and the baby for the next 6-12 weeks. I want to move home for the baby right now. The baby in my eyes is more important than fixing our marriage. I am not saying that I don't want to fix the marriage. I want to focus on the baby first because that is very important."

Doesn't sound like he is taking your feelings into consideration. I think email might be a good way for you to communicate right now. I would continue the dialogue, if I were you.

What are your boundaries, Kloe? What are you willing to live with? If he gets back home, "under the radar" so to speak, what does that mean for you two conflict avoiders?

The baby is a bandaid, that will last - how long? IMO, he is not looking at the bigger picture. You two will be shut in that house together, for 6-12 weeks! Hormones, lack of sleep ~ how are you two going to effectively communicate your feelings???

I believe you should stick to him agreeing to MC before he can move back in. After the baby is born, that gives you 6-12 weeks of counseling. I'm sure you both have family/friends that is willing to watch the baby for an hour or so so you can counsel. His schedule is now wide-open, as he is taking 6 weeks off. Time and opportunity.

Spidey

I agree with SS. Coming back for the sake of caring for the baby & you isn't good enough. He can come over to see her any time he wants, can't he? Some may disagree with me but, I think he needs to deal with the marital issues before he comes home. Can you deal with him packing up his things and leaving agin once his leave is over??? Is that fair to you or the baby??

For the record: children thrive in secure and stable enviroments with parents that communicate and place each other first. What your H is proposing is none of that. Without two parents that love, respect and place the marital relationship first there can be no healthy home life. I am a big advocate of boundaries. Maybe, it is time to define and stand behind your own.

As for going into labour on your own...your H is only a phone call away. I am a OB nurse in LDR and it usually takes hours for a woman's first baby to be born. Trust your physician and yourself.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

oops

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Kloe, please think of the long term here as well as the short term. Before you let him come back.

For instance, what happens when 12 weeks stretches into a year and then he decides to leave? You daughter then gets the devastation of losing one parent of the two parent home she has grown used to. It's a lot easier for a baby (yes even babies experience devastation from loss of what they have known as their family) who had never known a two parent home to grow up in a one parent home. Such as my DD who has never known her dad to live with us, so her world has never been shattered.

Also, if he leaves AFTER living with you and baby, this will weigh heavily on the judges decision to grant joint custody I would think. Living with you and baby he has become one of the babies primary custodial parents.

I would not let him move in unless your marriage is his first concern. And unfortunately it doesn't sound like it is. He can help you take care of the baby, and bond with the baby but sleep else where.

Kloe,

It c/b viewed as a manipulation tactic or the fact that he knows he is not t/b trusted with commitment issues.

IMHO, let him know that having a father is important. 6 - 12 isn't enough. If he can't do the longterm for you and the baby (which BTW is now a 1 pkg deal), then he will have to be a father from afar like all the other WS.

RE: Being a new mom is stressful enough. Dealing with WS' attitudes as you have is probably more than you can handle. Let him know this also.

Time to stand your ground. This way if he gets angry, you can say, see - that's what I can't afford to have around myself and the baby, thanks for showing it to us before the baby comes. When you can live and act like a real father and H, let me know.

L.

We are told to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I think this type of "smart" thinking would serve you and your baby well right now.

He had an affair and left you to live somewhere else, right? This will remain in your best enterest if it does come to divorce when dealing with you gets to stay in the house I assume you own jointly and how custody is decided.

I pray it doesn't come to this for you but if it does -

You want full custody, believe me. I finally agreed to 50/50 custody of my DD when she turned nine and it is killing me, and I no longer believe it is truly in her best interest even though she seems quite happy and doing well. She needs to be with her mother full time, and I think I made a terrible decision to agree to the custody arrangements we have now.

Sorry I wasn't clear enough. I'm NOT suggesting that kloe allow her H to move in right now, if fact, I think she shouldn't without reassurance that he intends to work on the marriage. But I'm also suggesting that she doesn't pursue his moving in, or his reasons for moving in either or seek reasurance right now. The potential that he will give more wishy washy answers (as he did) remains...and will only upset her more. I'd much rather that she simply told him "No, I'm not ready for you to move in right now because I don't think it's for the right reasons....and drop those convos until some time after the birth of the baby when she starts feeling strong again.

I see no reason to soothe his guilt about abandoning her when the baby was born, by allowing him to "do the right thing" and just give her the minimum support through this...anyone can offer that....she wants something different right now.

So I think concentrating on the baby is a better place then stressing out about whether he should or should not move in....and what that all means.

Does that make more sense?

Weaver - I don't know about the custody issue, I don't think I could ever go for full custody as much as I would want it, as long as we both live in the same area. I grew up without a father and I don't want my child to have to go through that. My WH has a huge wonderful family that I want my baby to be a part of. Plus no matter what becomes of our M, I know he will be a good father.

Below are some questions I have come up with for our talk:

Are you still seeing OW? Do you talk to her? What happened with her? (I really don't think he is still seeing her, but we have never talked about this)

It’s been 6 months and you don’t want to think about or focus on fixing our marriage? If not now, when? How long do you think I should wait around for you to make up your mind?

What happens at the end of the 12 weeks? What happens if don’t want to leave the baby but don’t want to be married to me?

Do you think about the future? If not, when do you plan on doing this?

What would it be like if you moved home? We wouldn’t be married, divorced or single.

What are willing to do to help our communication problem?

Do you have any idea what I have been going through for the last 6 months?

kloe,

Those are all GREAT questions, and questions you need the answer to....and also questions you are more likely to get the answers you want (or deal better with the answers you don't want)...IF tell H, he can't move in right now because YOU aren't ready, and you ask them some time after the baby is born.

I agree with you Star*fish, and also the others.

Kloe you have gone 6 months without asking him anything and now you are ready to force the issue to make the decision of whether he comes home or not. So be it. I am the type of person if I got something in side of me that needs to come out, it comes out. Such as your questions, however I don't think he will answer them. I think he will just say he is not ready to think about the marriage right now.

His email says everything I need to know whether I think he should come home or not. "I am not ready to work on the marriage, the marriage is not important right now". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But you do what you think is best. You know yourself and what you can handle.

We just want this birth to be a beautiful happy time for. And also the glorious, miracle filled days which happen after the baby comes home with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And as far the custody thing, I too felt exactly the same way you do. That's why I allowed him to stay in her life at all, and why I eventually agreed to joint custody. Unfortunately life and people in your babies dad's life sometimes get in the way...and influence even the best of dads.

Kloe,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Only you can decide what is right for you. I know it's so hard to go through this especially at a time when you need your husband most.

Hopefully when you talk with your husband your able to get the answers to your questions and are able fo finally feel some peace or at least know what his intentions are.

Glad that you were able to get some sleep finally. Get it now because when that baby comes you will forget what a full nights sleep was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My first son didn't sleep through the night till he was over 6 months old. Course he is almost 4 now and still gets up about 2 in the morning and comes searching for my bed.

Take care girl. Not much longer we both will be meeting and holding our little blessings.

star*, makes perfect sense to me now, thanks for the clarification.

Kloe, those are all excellent questions. Good job. I think his answers to those questions will determine your answer.

I have to say, after reading his reply to you earlier, I would say "No."

What the heck? He doesn't want to work on the M? It isn't important? Geesh! What planet is he living on?

I'm glad you are asking about OW. This whole thing may look a lot different after some answers - IF he gives them to you.

Spidey

The more times I read the e-mail he sent me, the more upset I get. It tells me he doesn't really care about me. It makes me wonder is he only being nice to be so he can see the baby? Just stringing me along? He totally disregards my feelings. I pray I have the strength to have the conversation we need to. I am so tired of all of this. I can't even remember what it is like to go through a day without crying and being depressed. The idea of being happy again, is such a foreign concept these days.

Kloe,

Stop reading the email. It is having an adverse affect now.

How about just sending him your list of questions and tell him you need the information to help make a decision about whether to let him move back in.

Tell him to take his time. Then it is up to him to answer.

Our MC encouraged us to use writing as a way to communicate our feelings early on. It really helped us. Perhaps it would work for you, too. You can sidestep the triggering emotions if you are reading his answers, alone, without him sitting there staring at you. Then give yourself to think about everything he says.

If it doesn't match up with what you need, he doesn't move home yet.

I'm praying for you, lady.

~ Snow