Hi Everyone,
Reading Suzet's thread regarding her husband's friendship with a woman has caused me to want to share a small story and get your opinions.

For background, my husband and I remarried about 10 months ago after our divorce was final for 18 months. I had an affair, we separated, and our marriage ended in divorce after my DH filed. Thanks to MB, perserverance, and God our marriage was restored even though we'd actually gone through a divorce.

About a year ago while my husband and I were still divorced and totally uninvolved with each other I observed how my then exH and my son were always 'fixing' a lady's computer at her office business. It seemed that on a twice weekly basis my son and husband would go driving about 18 miles from here and work on her computers. She paid my son well for doing this. She also included my husband and son at gatherings in her home, and even invited my husband over to her home last Thanksgiving and Christmas. (he declined both invitations) This lady was married.

I took my son there one time when my then ex husband was busy, and I found her to be friendly and nice.

Anyway after my husband and I remarried after our whirlwind romance/reacquaintance this lady again started calling my husband and son for repairs. I accompanied him and my son there on an occasion shortly after our remarriage. She was so shocked we were remarried and said so much that it was almost a case of 'thou doth protest too much.' (Her happiness seemed a bit over the top to the point of being fake.) I immediately noticed too (before this time I met her without my hubby there) how extremely attentive she was to my husband and also how she barely looked at me. She even went out of her way to say things to kind of 'show' me how well she knew my husband. It was very disconcerting and upsetting. On top of this her younger daughter who worked with my H wouldn't even acknowledge me at all. I think she had some sort of crush, too.

My husband and I discussed it later on that evening and I told him that I thought from now on I should take our son there to do repairs, and not him. You know it's funny but I even sensed when we were there that he too had a bit of chemistry for her. I was understanding and realized how alone he was for so long, so I did my best to not act immature about it. It was all very upsetting just the same, especially when our remarriage was so new.

The funny thing was that once I was the chauffeur, the emergency repairs were few and far between. Our son hardly got called there at all.

Every time I went without my H she asked where he was, and even commented how he never came around now that he was remarried. I mentioned only that he was busy in our home.

My husband seemed to only see how much this lady seemed to have a crush on him after I pointed it out to him. These repairs had gone on for 1 1/2 years before he and I reconciled.

One other thing that happened really upset me. About four months after our remarriage my H and a co-worker were having lunch near this lady's office. The co-worker wanted to see the office, as he knew the lady's niece and was interested in this type of business. My H took the co-worker to her office, and she gave them a tour. I was VERY upset with my husband that he'd given her any attention at all. I told him that I understood the co-worker had asked him, but he could have told the man he wasn't interested in taking him there. The man wasn't a superior. I was over it fast, and I knew my husband would never go again to this office.

Here's the kicker. Three days after he went there to show the co-worker the office, out of the blue, this lady sends my husband an 'inspirational',uplifting type email to his email address. He hadn't heard from her in MONTHS , and there it was. LIke I told him, the visit there...as innocent as he felt it was, was to her a reminder that in her mind the little fantasy could go on. That's how I see it.

One more funny thing now that I remember it. I took over my husband's personal cell phone when we married again as he had his work one. This lady's number was one of the first ones on there. She called it a few times, but stopped when she realized it was now my phone. That was funny! She even used to call him at work all the time, for 'help'. She'd called him a LOT!

Thanks for letting me share all of this here. My point is simply in saying that I think many, many people are living in a fantasy land of pseudo affairs in their head. I don't know if this woman wanted to sleep with my husband, but it was OBVIOUS she had a crush on him. It was downright palpable when you were in the room. I don't think her husband even saw it. My husband could see it only after I spoke of it, but then again he probably felt it all along and enjoyed the attention at the time.

Do you think these kind of crushes are common? I am so happy my husband respected my feelings, and severed this tie with this person.

It was part of the price I had to pay for my affair. When we were apart my H met a lot of new people, including this one. He had an identity as a single man for 3 1/2 years. (1 1/2 legally!) Thanks goodness he immediately remembered he was married again, and all this foolishness (emails from other single and married women, etc.) stopped.

All thoughts, opinions, are welcome. Do you think my hunch was right about this woman?

HOPEFUL_PERSON

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 01:12 AM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Do you think my hunch was right about this woman?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes hopeful_person, it was… Your “gut feeling” about this was 100% correct. It is very clear from your post that this woman had a crush on your H. I think your H also felt some chemistry, but this woman was the initiator. Your H definitely enjoyed her attention - it was a ‘stroke’ for his ego – but the most important thing is that your H listened to you and put a stop to this.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Do you think these kind of crushes are common?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t know if these “crushes” are common, but I know inappropriate friendships between man and woman are very common and the new type of infidelity. I see this type of “friendships” all around me in the workplace now…and I can also see these people don’t realize they are on dangerous grounds. Close opposite sex friendships is very dangerous and it is SO easy for people to cross boundaries from platonic friendship into romantic love if not cautious, careful and very much on ‘guard’.

Suzet

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Thanks, Suzet, for replying! I agree with you that these inappropriate friendships are everywhere. When we first remarried and for several months after that (until I REALLY let H know how upset I was about them) he received many emails from female co=workers who were married. Many of them were racy-type jokes.
I was kind of shocked about it. DH saw it as all innocent. The emails stopped I think mainly because he didn't respond and we now have a shared email address. With one of the married ladies who since had moved to a new job he told her he was married, and after that they stopped. In my opinion they all were unhappy in their marriages and had him in the wings for the future. They were all secretaries and my H is a manager. Their husbands had lower paying jobs.

What does everyone else think?

Thanks,
HOPEFUL

Hi HP,

You did the right thing in letting your H know about that woman's crush on him. We men can be so clueless when it comes to picking up the signals from women that are interested in us for something more than friendship. It was great how your H respected your feelings [although I agree with you that he did drop the ball when he took his co-worker to that woman's office]. What you must convey to your H is that your warnings are not an attempt to control him but a way to help him become aware of the hidden traps that can lead to tragedy. Who knows women better than another woman , right?

Thanks, Coffeeman!

You're so very right. It's nice to know I wasn't alone in thinking this woman had a crush on him.
You're right too about men being clueless at times.

Take care,
HP

H_P,

Men clueless???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well, maybe just a little bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It is good to see you back and posting a bit and it is great to hear that your remarriage is going good.

Now for a semi-serious observation. Keep an eye on that man of yours. You now know there are women out there that are attracted to him and see what you now see. I think it is cool that you interceded and you know what I would bet it put a few coins in his ole' love bank as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Plus I am thinking he "knew" something was up with this woman, otherwise he would not have been there as often. He probably enjoyed the attention but was wise enough to NOT mess with a married woman. Us guys do the ignorance act well sometimes.

It is a pleasure to read of your happiness.

God Bless,

JL