hello -- I had this forum recommended to me and am hoping feedback will help as I am in a pretty bad way just now...

I am 46, have been marriaged for 18 years and survived an affair 10 years ago and stayed married. I have 1 15 y.o daughter and 17 y.o. son. But last summer as I was being placed on a heart transplant list (I have a very serious and dibilitating heart disease and have had breast cancer, but fought it and won three times)my husband had a torrid and very public affair with a 28 y.o married co-worker (I was her -- and his -- supervisior). The affair was even in the newspaper. Everyone in the office knew about it but me. But worst of all, he totally involved our 15 y.o. discussing their sex life, how happy they were together, how they planned on ditching me and getting married and having a baby and how they hoped her husband would committ suicide. They instructed her to keep it from me and she did. Her drunken and enraged hushband found out he threatened her with a gun, made her quit work etc... but they continued on until he came to my workplace with a gun. I was fired the next day and we moved out of state (no income, had to move) so I was removed from the transplant list. Last week, my daughter said she could no longer keep the secret and told me -- everything all the detail -- "She said Daddy gave the best oral sex in the world" "They were planning on having a baby together. They were so happy." They constantly text messaged sweet nothings to each other including "Let's go have sex" and shared those with my daughter. he justified the affair over and over by telling her what an awaful person I am and how unhappy I made him.
He is still living with us -- he has to because of my medical condition -- no transplant without a support system. He has made it clear he is only here until I get my transplant then he is walking -- rather darkens the future.I do nothing but cry all day and my daughter is so broken and hurt. She is in counseling, I begin psycho-therapy next week -- he refuses either. there are all kinds of mementos of the affair around the that he instructed my daughter to hide and find some every now and then.
He swears it is over and he is here to take care of me -- my daughter says (to me) "don't be a fool."
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so much pain for one very undserving person.> Sounds like you are a fighter, you will need that strength.

Question- WHy whould you be fired for a man coming into your work with a gun?

What kind of a father shares that information with his daughter? Has her help him in his deception? Is he trying to mess her up permentently?

Hang in there.

Thanks Love --

It really does help to hear someone else affirm this was bad behavior, but I have never heard any true remorse from my husband.

To answer your questions _ I was fired because I was the publisher of a newspaper and was told "We cannot have a publisher whose lifestyle -- or whose husband's lifestyle -- puts our employees at risk." That was illegal (Americans with Disabilities among others) and I was given a cash settlement to shut my mouth.

The second questions is harder, as my counselor has said, most men who have affairs want to hide it from their children, but he was so proud. I can only pray the damage is not irreversible and I am doing all I can to help her. He cried in front of her because he missed her so much, she called my daughter crying because she missed him and the sex so much and he expressed fear that if I found out I would try to break them up etc.... Now that I know, he is blaming her for the whole thing and that is hurting her so much. I tell her over and over none of it was her fault, but I don't know that my voice is louder than his. Again thanks for your help.

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