Here is a copy of an e-mail he sent her before d-day. I just can't keep rehashing those words in my mind. How do I stop it?? How can I just pretend I never saw it and forget every word. If you read this e-mail, what would you think? Warning, it is long. I got it on the temporary internet files because he did a spell check on it. I gather it is not the entire message though. Here goes:

"Your voice cut through me last night like a sword through butter. I was
completely consumed by your voice; you could erase my deepest, most darkest
fears with one word. I would kill a thousand men to hear you laugh, and die
for one chance just to hear you tell me you love me. Even though we are miles
apart I felt as if time and space were non existent. I hated the fact that I
had to upset you last night, but you deserved the right to know what was going
on. If I had just disappeared, you may have thought ill of me. Looking back,
the conversation we had should be recorded in the halls of love, because girl,
you made my head spin, my heart race, and my emotions soar. I loved every
second of our talk, and when you mention even the slightest notion of intimacy
I feel as if the world stops right in that moment in time and we are the only
two people to have ever existed. You complete me.

I wish sometimes that I
had allowed you to fall in love with me, as I am not the man you deserve. I
know you disagree with me when I say that, but it is simply a fact. I can not
hold you in the times that you need me the most. I can not pull you close to
comfort you when you are scared or lonely. And I can not make love to you in
the tender way that you deserve. I have laid in bed awake thinking of how
great it would be to have you there with me, and then cursing my self for not
being able to satisfy your needs. You are such a beautiful person. Too
beautiful for me and my ugly cursed life. I cannot believe that you are even
attracted to me with the despicable uglyness that I am sometimes called upon to be. Pam it is I who don't deserve you.


The only thing that is remains is simply where do we go from here? I have had
such a wonderful time with you, and in just the short time we have known each
other my emotions have soared to levels I previously thought were unattainable.
I live each day now breath by breath, wanting, hopeing, waiting to hear from
you. I find myself a complete emotional wreck until I get just one morsel of
contact with you. Call me a sap but I merely pouring my true feelings out to
you. I know that only time can reveal the true answer at this point, but damn
I would love to have a crystal ball."

End of message now. And now he tells me he made a mistake, that he loves me and only me. He wants to save our marriage and our family. After reading that, it is so hard to move on. What advice do you have for just forgetting that I ever read that?

Re-read this e-mail and imagine this is an expression to a drug in which he is addicted. You'll see similiarities. He's addicted to the feelings this relationship gives him the same way in which a herione addict feels about his drug. They believe it gives them life in a new and better way only to discover that the "drug" becomes the destruction of their life. His expressions are about those feelings and are shallow. Please don't let this "drug" infect you too. It has nothing to do with you. He's confused and the "drug" doesn't allow him to think clearly. Put this e-mail away and don't dwell on it any longer. It doesn't exist in reality. The only reason to keep it is maybe for him to see one day and remember how disillusioned and misled he was.

I read emails OM sent my wife. They were identical. I don't see anything of value in these words------ it is all BS. My wife wrote similar emails to her OM. I asked her why she was staying with me after writing such emails. She could not give me a straight answer, but she dropped OM like a hot potato after D-day. Do not worry------ 100% of OPs and WSs write those words. Words mean nothing------ look at their actions. My WW decided to stay with me and OM is history. She did this despite the fact that she wrote stuff like above. Six month past the affair she admits it was all BS. She needed those words to convince herself she was not doing anything wrong. Don't worry those words are there to justify the affair.

BTW, I was also tromented by a specific email my wife wrote. It was even more intense than what you have posted. I told my wife: "I you meant those words you better leave the marriage. Why would you want to give up the love of your life?" It was all BS! She never saw OM in that light. It was all a game and part of the intoxication--------- no different than an LSD trip.

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

My thoughts exactly, jph. The romantic ramblings of an addicted soul.

Some of the things you discover early on cut through you like a two-edged sword. You think you'll never get over the pain. But as you go forward, as healing starts to take hold, you begin to see these painful episodes in a different light.

Someday you'll see this letter more like jph and I do: pathetic ramblings of a man addicted to feeling good about himself at the expense of everyone else. You won't see it as an indication of his true feelings. Unmasked by the truth over time, you'll see this note as something way different than you do today.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

jph nailed it exactly. That email was pure fantasy. And your H is with you because he realizes that. He was under the influence of a strong scotch and water when he wrote that. He woke up the next day with a bad headache and came home.

ama75, I still remember how I felt, almost a year ago, when I found an email exchange between H and OW. After they got done discussing a lie the OW told him about me, he signed the email, "My heart is yours forever." That hurt - BAD.

The only way, IMO, that those intense emotions can be formulated is in a fantasy bubble, created by the A. And they both became addicted to those feelings. And kept doing whatever they could to create more of those feelings.

In time, the words will fade. It is hard. The more time between you and the A, the more in "perspective" the A becomes. Less personal, IMO.

Hang in there. How long have you two been in recovery?

Spidey

Thanks everyone! Spidey, I found out on 11/4. I started recovery right then, but found out on 11/11 that he hadn't (had continued contact like this... told her we were seperated and that I was trying to ruin them). I think real recovery actually started 11/12. I am trying so hard to be the wife he wants. I ordered Surviving an Affair and expect it to be in Monday. She now knows about us, since I called her mother and spilled it all. He absolutely refuses to do a NC call or letter. That is what bothers me the most.

My resisted NC at first, as well. Our sitch was a bit different, as H actually left us for OW, after she had dumped him. She dumped him the day he confessed the PA to me, because she felt "betrayed" by him. She was my very good girlfriend, at the time.

Anyway, my H was convinced we were through. Even if he didn't end up with OW, he wanted a D. He was very confused and foggy.

After about 2 months of the separation, when we began communicating effectively again, he STILL refused to entertain the notion of her being out of his life forever. He said, "I told her I would always be her friend, and I will. I will always be there for her. If you can't understand that, then you don't know me very well. I'll never abandon a friend (which is what he did to ME and his BOYS, but it is the FOG, I tell ya!)."

He would even use that as yet another reason we could never reconcile. Because I would never accept her as his friend (my reasoning was that I had accepted it once, and look where that got us!), and he would never abandon their friendship. Blah blah blah.

You are still very early into your ordeal. IMO, you should EXPECT him to say stuff like that for a while. Until his NC sticks for a while, and he can begin coming back to himself, he will still be all foggy. If he can stay in NC until December, you will probably notice a huge difference.

Will he attend MC? My H and I did, from about 6 weeks into the separation, until just about a month ago. So, total of . . . 8 months. Even when H just went to "make the D better."

Try not to listen too closely to his feelings about OW right now. He is clinging desperately to that fantasy bubble, that is slowly slipping through his fingers, and the thought of him losing all those "feel good" feelings is probably overwhelming to him right now.

Good job about exposing, though. I scared the OW here when I threatened to contact her mother - being her friend, I knew her weak spots. If she had continued the A with my H, I would have called up her mother. Absolutely. And I think she knew me well enough (or at least she does now!) that I would not have hesitated.

The power of the fog - the OW dumped my H on d-day, 12/31/03, he saw her occassionally at Scouts (yeah, that sucked, her DS was in H's patrol, along with my 2 DS's), she would talk to him when he called her (she got herself another BF very quickly - actually, while she was seeing my H), but other than that, the A was over. Yet my H STILL chose 3 months of being alone, rather than working on our M. Took him a LONG time to defog.

Before my H came home, though, he saw the reason to write the NC email. He realized that friendship, after that line is crossed, is not possible. That choosing into our M, meant choosing out of whatever the relationship was, with OW. Given enough time, I bet your H will realize the same thing.

Try not to LB, DJ, just listen to him. Tell him your truth, what you believe, and that you love him. It is hard. You can do it.

Spidey

ama75- If you still have copy of that last e-mail your husband sent to the OW, I recommend that you get rid of it. My husband had copies of a lot of e-mails I exchanged with OM, and he will read them and re-read them.
I told him that if he really wanted us to work things out, he had to get rid of them,(he had printed them) and he did!!!
You cannot keep on reading that, you just hurt yourself over and over and those words stay in your head to haunt you.
Feel lucky that you caught the affair so fast and he dumped her for good!!

Good luck!!

MYRTA

Ama....

It's all cow tripe ... all the adultery love letters say the same dumb things...

Think of it as love farts. That might make you laugh ... coz they "stink" ... and only the one who "made it" enjoys it.

Pep

OK, this will be long. I am comming from the side of the WS. I sent e-mails to the OW that are similar. It is exactlly as they say, a drug. I was hooked to this halusination(sp)that had gone on for 2 yrs and I (at the time) was not willing to give-up. I still wanted my cake and to eat too. OW was willing to allow that. How sick is that. After D-DAY I told my wife that it was over. I told her that I mailed back the cell phone that OW had given me. I did not. About a week latter D-Day #2. I then was awaken to the reality that I was about to loose the best thing that had ever happened to me. My W started to do some checking around. You see OW had bought me a motorcycle. I told my W that I had won it in a raffel. Now are you starting to see the similarity to a person who abuses drugs. I would tell any lie that was neccessay to keep A a secret. It is very difficult for me to even type this because I don't like to think of myself in this state. When I finally got my head out and told the OW that I was going to do what ever it took to save my marriage she didn't like that. She at that point tryed evry thing in her power to up-set my wife, more than I already had. My W told me I needed to sell the motorcycle, I agreed. I sold it and used the $ for MC. The OW wanted it back she said that if I didn't give it back she would take me to small claims for the $, along with all the $ she had spent on hotels(I worked out of town), food, cell phone and all the riding gear. Ow had saved all the reciept form the 2 yr A. OW put together a book(2" thick spiral bound)as evidance against me in court and to send to my wife to let her know all that we had done. This book also contained e-mails that I had sent to OW. Even though they might not have been quite a "Harliquin Novel"(sp) as the one you H sent it still cut the same. She still is hurting today from my actions and words. It has been 18 months and counting. We are starting to MB the right way. We went to MC for one yr. It got us out of crisis mode, then we started to realize that we needed somthing more. Thank God for MB.

Just to finish off the story, OW did not win in court. Bike was in my name, the judge all but called her a fool. I was the fool. Then the fun started. OW said she was pregnant for the second time. I was not aware of the first and didn't believe OW about this time. She started sending medical records to indicate that she was, telling me what the babies name was and so on. Ow would call me and tell me that she would take me back, very desperate words. I never answered my phone I always let her calls go to vm. If I didn't know the number or it was a blocked # it went to vm. If OW lefta message I woudl save it to let my W listen, I would show W phone records, call myW often during the day to let her know what was going on and what I was doing. This was just the start to my quest for total honest and regaining trust. I still do these things. It ahs been over a yr since OW has tryed to make any contact. Medical records stopped showing up in the mail. This was an answer to prayer, I was able to focus on recovery. My W and I still hit rough spots, but we are moving in a forward direction. By the grace of God I am still married to the only woman I love and will ever love. I have only been posting on this sight for a few days and there is a lot of support here. Thank you all. What I can say is that it is not a short road but I do believe that it will create a better marriage. Don't give up!

Out

artdawg (sp) -

I wish you could know how much hope you just gave me. If you can come out of the fog, my H can too. Thanks.

ama- hang in there - I'm in the same boat. Don't give up hope, it's all we have.

Starz, It takes more than just me and you H to come out of the fog. It will take much effort on your part as well. My W has been trying very hard, even though she hurts. We have to work together to fulfill eachothers needs. Hope is a wonderful thing don't ever let go of it. You will make it

God Bless you, stay strong

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: artdawg113 ]</small>

ama75,

Sorry, I saw your post earlier and meant to reply. I wanted you to know that I have read most if not all of the emails exchanged over a year and a half time period. A couple were from the very, very beginning of the A. Then I could see the progression, the struggle with the guilt from them both, the saying they were going to end it after "this one last time together" -- there were many of these "last times". Then they would talk about how they were helping each other get over each other. How very foggy is that? They were both so deep in the fog, they were swimming in it. Then the final point (right before I found out) where they had given in to the fantasy - stopped trying to end things. They had begun to talk about actually being together (OW is divorced with 2 children). H talked about how to tell me, how our children would react, her children, her XH, her family, etc. They even talked about needed a larger vehicle, table, house, etc. Even went looking at houses. Now, these are the emails that really hurt and are hard to forget. Oh these and the sex ones. There were a few very explicit ones. Of course, those hurt.

And of course there were the ones like your H. Except my H is not that wordy. His are short but say basically the same thing. Oh and he used the exact phrase as your H -- "You complete me." Boy, that one hurts. He used to say romantic things like that to me when we were dating, but I don't think he ever said that one. And he is back to saying very romantic things to me again. It is so nice. I'd forgotten how nice.

JPH is right, my FWH (when I was still trying to read through them all - and believe me there were a lot of them!) was reading some of them and truly laughed at the words he had said. He could see how ridiculous it was.

Now, mind you there were several that were very hurtful and are proving hard to get out of my mind. My H did not want me to read them. But I assured him that they would help me, as I had this burning need to know every detail. And I don't regret reading them.

My H read the reply here from ArtDawg and agreed with every word. I also read the one from JPH to him and he agreed with it too. He says it is a fantasy world.

I am still dealing with forgetting them, but I will say that I don't want to read them anymore. I finally finshed them a couple of weeks ago. Although, I do still ask the occasional question that pops into my mind. I just want to leave this experience behind us and move forward in our marriage. Which we are doing. Of course, H stills works closely with the OW. Now that one has to change. We are currently looking for a job for him.

Anyway, I just thought I'd add my 2 cents to your thread. Hope it helps you.

Hi ama,

I'll chime in here too and say even before I read the other responses,I was thinking hmmm: crack cocaine addiction and Romance Novel e-mail.

I know reading stuff like that hurts you but put it into context: your WH was a goner.WH had left the building.Don't put any credence into it.It's the ramblings of an addcited adulterer.

One thing of note though: your WH's refusal to send a NC letter IS a warning sign.He is trying to keep his option with the homewrecking OW open.No doubt in my mind.My WH never sent one either,making all kinds of excuses not to.Ultimately though,it was simply but painfully because he never really intended to end it with that person despite what he said.I went through 2 major false recoveries and a few half hearted attemtps with WH and now we are divorcing.

If a WS is truly,TRULY,devoted to NC,a letter to the OP should be done without question.You are early in this game so do keep your guard up ok? I am not trying to incite panic but be prepared that this is not over yet.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Ama....

It's all cow tripe ... all the adultery love letters say the same dumb things...

Think of it as love farts. That might make you laugh ... coz they "stink" ... and only the one who "made it" enjoys it.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ama,

I agree with Pep and Artdawg described it best. These e-mails are the height of their A. That means it will hurt the most each time you rehash it.

The one who can help you is your H. Together the 2 of you can do what U need to bring U closure. Also U 2 can work together to bring him closure. Then each of you can do so individually.

For me, I kept copies of some of the e-mails I read. Periodically I read them to remember how bad it got. There were remnants of truth between the lies. Also very foggy and distorted truths of feelings that went to places they don't belong. Like a drug, expect it to feel good but when the eurphoria wore off the effects were devastating.

Right now you are the one whose needs are kicking in saying 'help me'. Address those needs together.

Call Steve H and do some couples phone counseling.

JMHO,
L.

As to why some WS refuse to write NC letter.

1st of all understand that during the affair the infidels promise to be faithful and truthful to each other. After D-day the betrayer is confronted with the concept of not lying anymore and to be truthful to the betrayed spouse. WS promises anything to save the marriage and seems very cooperative. However, to embark on this new mission of honesty WS has to betray the promise made to the OP. Despite the desire of many WS to stay in the marriage they still want to save face with OP. Remember, WS feels devastated when he/she has to dump OM. They hate the idea of inflicting pain on the OP. Writing the NC letter is another knife into the wound of the OP who feels betrayed by the WS. Yes, the OP feels betrayed by the WS if the affair ends after D-day. The OP will then go back and read the same emails you are reading and will not be able to understand why he/she got dumped after D-day.


Once again the emails don't mean a thing. In my case my wife thinks she wrote them so she would feel less guilty about the affair. If everything was done in the name of love there was less guilt.

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

I, too, remember reading some emails from my FWH to his OW. It hurt so much I felt as though I'd been kicked in the gut...the sense of hurt, anger and betrayal ran very deep. It was a topic of discussion for a few MC sessions.

Bottom line...as everyone told you...it's all fantasy induced crap! I think back to those letters now and just giggle to myself, they were so ridiculous.

My advice, get a MC and judge your H not on what he says but on his actions. Down the road, you too, will be able to giggle over the nonsense your H was spewing during his huge lapse of judgement.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 12:17 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>