Hey, MT3B, glad your spirits are up. Loved the honey bee story (that's me! I hate the buggers!)

I, too, love your goal to oncentrate on the boys and have fun with them! That will do more good for them than anything else as they try to absorb again, once again, their father has abandoned them for another family (one that might not even be his!). Show them that the four of you can do just fine.

Divorce? Not to divorce? Because there is no legal separation in Texas I urge you to keep in close contact with your attorney. Keep getting those papers together and when he/she says, "Kandi, it is time to file in order to protect the boys' future," then follow her lead. If that is BEFORE possible OC is born and DNA test done, then so be it.

You can always remarry if Ed returns from the mothership, eh?

((((HUGS)))))

~ Snow

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Mulan, loved your post. I will smell the clean fresh air for a long time now! Like I said, he has made his bed, he can now sleep in it. You know, he gets mad when I talk of leaving him and going on without him...no wonder, I'm not letting him play his little game anymore.

I can still wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and see a strong woman with good morals and a head held high!

Snow, thanks for your support! Always!

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

MT3B,

I know you and DT3B are in a state of flux right now. He's out of the house, but you're not home yet, and everything is a little bit up in the air legally and all.

But do you think it is helpful to "talk" to DT3B through this board? I don't know, it makes me feel that when you post you are really posting for DT3B's benefit. Perhaps you should consider posting only on the private board? Or does dad have access to that board, too?

~ Snow

M2,

For the umpteenth time, you insist that you have "kicked him out". This is a very empty statement in that it infers that you are in control of the situation when in fact you aren't.

You have never kicked him out. He chooses to leave the house when it suits him. If leaving the house will keep the peace for the time being, then he will leave the house. If leaving the house will allow him to maintain both the M and the A then he will leave the house. He knows he'll probably be back in time to decorate the tree.

He is not a fogged out fence sitter being pulled back and forth between you and the OW. He is enjoying the comforts of M while also enjoying the OW on the side. He wants you to just accept this arrangement. He will continue to tell you what you want to hear and try and wear you down until you just throw your hands up in defeat. He is in complete control.

This A will most likely end as most do, when they each get over their infatuation for each other. Exposure of the A has already taken from them, the excitement of secrecy and taboo. Hell, it's been exposed on national tv. They can walk down Main Street together now if they choose to.
D2 never feared exposure. He almost seemed to enjoy it.

You can threaten D, you can "see" a lawyer, you can shuffle papers in and out of order, you can "kick him out" if that makes you feel in control but so long as you keep playing HIS game, he will continue to play you.

Take a look at where you're at today as compared to DD. With all the in-action you've taken, are you any closer to luring D2 away from the A and recovering the M?

Snow, I haven't been granted access tothat board despite the attempts to get on there. I will edit my post...I am not posting just for dad to read, but I do know he reads cuz he has told me...he gets mad because I tend to tell the truth on here and ask for advice and such...I was really just posting to let him know that he has no reason to be mad at me for doing what I feel is best for all of us. but you are right, I will edit the post...

***I was really just posting to let him know that he has no reason to be mad at me for doing what I feel is best for all of us.***

Why do you think you have to "let him know" anything?

Why are you still trying to control his feelings?

This is how he keeps stringing you along.

Your posting here should not have anything to do with him.

It should be about finding strength for *you* to get yourself and your children out from under his destructive influence, and to stop living your life while jumping through his hoops.

Until you can stop worrying about what he thinks, or what he thinks you think, this will never stop.

Go ahead. Be the "bad guy," if that's what he wants to call you for protecting your family from his toxic influence. Once you finally change the locks and tell him to get out of your lives, it should not matter to you whether his head explodes or whether he does the happy dance with his girlfriend.

As long at it DOES matter to you, this will go on and on and on.

The only thing that should matter is having peace and order and stability in your children's lives, and that will never happen as long as you care what he thinks.

Care about what YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN think. When are their feelings going to come first?

I think this is not so much about your getting him out of your life as it is about you getting YOURSELF out of HIS life.

There's a difference.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know, he gets mad when I talk of leaving him and going on without him...no wonder, I'm not letting him play his little game anymore.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure you are...he is continuing to play it.

Here is where you are "letting" him...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not going to *FILE* for the Divorce yet, but I will get all the paperwork going. Doesn't mean I have to file...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The paperwork that you "get going" means NOTHING in the big scheme of things. The only thing that means is that you are gathering information...it does NOTHING to change the situation...and to stop the game playing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But do you think it is helpful to "talk" to DT3B through this board? I don't know, it makes me feel that when you post you are really posting for DT3B's benefit. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Snow...

Those are some good points there. I also *feel* that is what is happening. Even the title of the thread is for his benefit...and for dramatic flair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hate to see couples play out their dysfunctional marriages on the board...especially when the principles that the Harleys set forth in marriagebuilding have been tossed aside. I do not think that the Harleys had that in mind when they started the forums. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JMHO
committed

I am sorry you feel that way comitted...it is people like YOU who hurt people in the long run...the reason I say I will not FILE for the divorce is because I am in a very fragile situation right now and If you would ever READ the posts you would see that yourself..but you choose not to...People have been kind to me on this thread and then you come along and make snide remarks as such...I will FILE for divorce when I am ready and when I have grieved properaly for my dad. It will take a while to get the paperwork ready anyhow...People have asked me NOT to file for that purpose...I am not in a frame of mind to made those sorts of decisions.

I have never in the past used this board as such to carry on with my H...however he has in the past...just recently as I recall...I left this board for a few months this summer just so he wouldn't read my posts. IF he wants to read what i have written on here even though it hurts him that is his chooice...I use this board to share my feelings...not in hopes that he would read them...

But you know, it is people like you who come on to my threads and say hurtful things and things that aren't true...whatever...

I really dont think I need to post here any longer...no matter what I do or DONT DO, no one will be happy with the outcome...

I kick him out, you people aren't happy

I say I see a lawyer, that's not good enough

I say I'm filing, that not good enough, I need to WAIT...

I say I'll wait, that's not good enough, I need to file

no matter what I say or do, it isn't good enough for you people.

So thank you to all who HAVE supported me in my journey to try to save my marriage, but I really dont think it is condusive for me to post here any longer...I need to get on with my life and that means leaving everything else behind, including this board.

Take care MB friends

kandi

MT3B: I think you are wise and right to wait to file. And for the reasons you cited. You have been through TOO much in TOO short a time. Life's big decisions can wait.

I respect your need to leave the board IF that is truly what you want to do. But, I think that most people here wish to support you in this awful journey. So, are you getting something from this board that helps you day to day. If the answer is yes (and I suspect it is), then try not to take somebody's harsh words to heart.

You said yourself, you are very fragile now. And in that fragileness you are also very sensitive. Things that are hurtful impact you more than they would normally.

I for one don't wish to see you leave. I think you will see tons of posts within 24 hours basically saying the same thing.

So if you do need to leave, then do so knowing that the vast majority of people here sympathize with what you've been through. And, dare I say that most people seem to have the utmost respect for you, because of your willingness to be so candid with this very personal situation in your life.

In life there will always be detractors. And their opinions are their opinions. But those opinions are just that, OPINIONS!

I hope you stay. Take a break if you need to. And leave if you need to. Just know that you are cared for very much.

Kandi,

Thanks for keeping us updated with your sitch. I am amazed at how remarkably well you are handling it all. The audience who saw you and your H on national TV had no idea how much you were going through in the background. I saw your dignity and grace shine through.

Please realize that when we post our sitch and feelings, some of us take it quite hard. Even personally sometimes and hurt as if it is against a close family member. I see that in many posts to you. Don't take that in a bad way. Their reactions are more than that they hurt for you and are quite angry at the WS and sitch.

Often we see a piece of what we experienced in the recent events of other BS' and the hurt comes back again. Yet we post over and over again. We think about leaving many times. The pain here is strong but so is the support. To be honest, I have seen stronger responses on SNL's threads than on yours (re: I did them myself - LOL!!!). I was sooo fed up with his antics. I wasn't posting them through his W to him but to him directly.

In many cases I see the posters venting about your WS but it is posted to you. Do you see that? I know you understand their feelings. When you look at it that way, it is easier to take their words and in many cases it can even be helpful.

When I used to post to SNL, Thinker (his W) would read it and it would help her. Believe me, I gave SNL a mental pounding at times because I knew he knew better. We all knew it.

Alas, in their case, he is still stuck out there in fogland..... yep one of MBs long time posters (banned a few times, though), he is still out there. The hurt to his family was immense. Recovery for them has been hard and his W stopped posting here. It made me sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As much as possible, don't let that happen to you. ok?

Take care my dear one. You have a lot of good things ahead of you and your help here has been greatly appreciated.

take care,
L.

I am sorry you feel that way comitted...it is people like YOU who hurt people in the long run...

Nothing I said was hurtful...at least not the way that I read it.

the reason I say I will not FILE for the divorce is because I am in a very fragile situation right now and If you would ever READ the posts you would see that yourself..but you choose not to

I did not say that you HAVE to file. I said that the comment YOU made about not playing his game isn't quite accurate. As long as you don't take action...the games will continue...bottom line. I could care less if you file today...tomorrow...next week...next month..next year. What I DID comment on was your claim to having STOPPED his game playing. You haven't stopped it. It continues everyday that NO legal action has been taken...and acted upon.

People have been kind to me on this thread and then you come along and make snide remarks as such...

People are kind...what you don't realize is that I was kind also. There is so much that could have been said...and I chose NOT to. You received both grace and kindness from me...in my post. Others said the same thing...why are MY words the ones that you choose to say are hurtful and snide?

I *feel* that the reason you get upset with my posts is because they do NOT focus on d23b and his actions. They focus on YOU and yours...or lack thereof.

If I were to jump on your bandwagaon and call him vile insulting names...or if I were to lash out like that toward the OW I guess then I would be considered "supportive"...huh?

The fact remains...this board was not created to allow a couple to sling DJs...LBs...and AOs at each other. Your posts are full of them.


JMHO
committed

Hello MT3B,
I am peaceandlove's H. Just wanted to say we watched Dr. Phil and gained some insight on your situation. Sorry about your dad. I hope he lived a full and bountiful life.
I am drawn by your resolve to not seek the company of another man. That strength in light of the place you are in emotionally is outstanding. It is a statement for those of us who know two wrongs don't make a right! That is not to say that we haven't thought about it or been tempted by the attention of another. It would be easy for me to give in to it. I have taken a stance like Dr. Phil, finish this one first before starting another. And I'm not done with this one so help me!
Life is about choices. We all must make them and then be held accountable for them. Too often people make the choice and want to shift the accountability elsewhere. This premise guides me as I make my choices in life. Anyone who doesn't feel accountable for their actions is vulnerable to bad choices.
I felt compelled to post here and offer encouragement to you. We all have strife in our lives and we can all help and learn from each other. Keep your focus and be strong!
God bless,RDL

Committed: maybe MT3B's response was 50% what you said, and 50% how you said it???

Considering the whirlwind of STRONG emotional stuff that has been her life lately (and we all understand that) PLUS the added stress of losing Dad, after watching him suffer, has made her very sensitive.

One poster jokingly said that it would be nice if she could wear a sign that said (paraphrased) "be nice to me, I buried my Dad this year". Well, Kandi buried her Dad only the other day. Kandi's H screwed up again, less than a week ago. There are times in people's lives when they need a soft, kind, gentle approach.

The "kick in the [censored]" stuff does have merit, when done at the right time.

Methinks your timing may have been off imho.

Methinks your timing may have been off imho.

I would agree with that had I thrown my comments out there when this wasn't the topic of discussion. The topic of the thread was about D23B...and kicking him out again...and about the OW being a *****...and about the marriage. This wasn't a thread looking for support and condolences on the loss of her Father. This thread was a vent and bash thread.

I didn't realize that unless I joined in the bashing and venting that it was insensitive to her need for understanding at this trying time in her life. Am I insensitive because I didn't join in the bashing and venting? Was I out of line by making it about her actions or lack thereof?

There is no sarcasm in those questions. I am puzzled as to why I am considered insensitive when I am simply responding in regards to the topic of the thread...which is the marriage.

She started the thread...and set the trend. I just happened to take the flip side of the situation.


Here is what I had to go on...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EVERYONE...ML, WAT, PEP, ARK...everyone...let me have it...tell me what you think...go on..give it to me... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cannot ask for opinions and then want special consideration and sensitivity used. She specifically said EVERYONE...and I fall into that category. I was keeping it on track.

JMHO
committed

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Maybe I didn't explain myself well, though I'm trying to....

You have every right to your opinion. You have every right to express that opinion. And, you have every right to express that opinion in a genre that suits you.

I was just trying to suggest that Kandi's current emotional state might make have her NOT listen to your words as much, but notice only any Harshness she might hear in the way they were presented.

You do not have to jump on any "venting" bandwagon...if that is not what you feel you wish to express. Just don't be surprised when your words aren't taken in the manner you wished them to be perceived, due to (what I consider to be) ill-timing.

And, I'm not here to start a mini-argument over this. I'm trying to be sensitive to both sides. I just think that now is the time to "pull punches" (even if you believe those "punches" are well-deserved).

And, just so you understand, I'm not even necessarily disagreeing with all that you said. Much of it has merit (though I don't agree 100% with your thoughts). And, just cuz I don't agree with all of your thoughts, doesn't mean that I am right.

There is bound to be a lot of diversity of opinion here. I just think it's kinder to "feel out" the receiver of our words, and take into consideration their current state of mind.

That's all.

(feather held out for peace)

Hi M23B,

I wish you wouldn't leave because you got a couple of posts that made you uncomfortable. A break if you need it, but do come back. You will be missed by many if you leave. We all can benefit from learning from each other during the difficult times.

I've seen that you have also posted to some newbies and been helpful to them.

I believe everyone wants the best outcome for you and your situation; the best for all concerned.

Your current plan of action sounds like a good one to me given all you have been through of late.

<small>[ November 30, 2004, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just think it's kinder to "feel out" the receiver of our words, and take into consideration their current state of mind.

That's all.

(feather held out for peace) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Janet,

The only thing that I had to go on was her comment about telling her what we think...and to let her have it (which I assume is another way of saying give me what you consider hard cold truths). To ask for it...and literally demand it (which is how I took her wording) and then to call FOUL...and call me insensitive is puzzling to me.

Oh Well.... <feather accepted>.

committed

Honestly, how is a person supposed to respond to Mom's threads if they have to risk her wrath if she doesn't like their post? If it's not strictly a cheerleading post, the person is attacked as "mean."

I read committed's post and am frankly flabbergasted that she got such a response. Whatever happened to "thank you for taking the time to post, I will take it under consideration."

I realize that Kandi's dad just died, but she is acting the same today as she did 6 months ago when someone would post something she didn't like. Whats the difference?

Kandi, I find your situation heartbreaking and care very about you but there are many folks here, like me, who won't post to you anymore because all you want is a cheerleading squad, not objective advice from an unbiased source. All these cheerleaders are doing you no favors, Kandi. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm willing to bet a LOAD of money that the OW is NOT pregnant with a GIRL. She was not very far along when the ultrasound was done and usually ultrasounds will validate the presence of a penis, and sometimes there's one there that can't be seen in the image. I've just never heard of someone knowing THAT early in their pregnancy that the sex of the child was female.

I'd say the OW KNOWS that having a girl would give her that EXTRA little hold on Ed, so she's using that to her advantage.

Anyway, I wish I had a crystal ball, but I'm willing to stake $$ that the baby isn't Ed's and it isn't a girl.

(Very long-time lurker, here).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I read committed's post and am frankly flabbergasted that she got such a response. Whatever happened to "thank you for taking the time to post, I will take it under consideration."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Melody....

It's evident that you were raised "rite"...<my best southern drawl> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have to admit that sure left me puzzled.

committed