Share your avoidance issues ...
What stops you from taking action or speaking up?
What benifit(s) do you think you get by avoidance?
What has conflict avoidance cost you?



Pep

For me I avoid conflict to prevent the other person from being angry with me and it has cost me a marriage and has been a problem for me at work. I am getting better at stepping up to the plate but I have a long way to go. I think it stems from adolescent childhood, I was the big clumsy guy that the neigborhood kids picked on. The benefit was I didn't get beat up of course that doesn't apply now. The other issue I have in my marriage is my wife is 10 times as verbal as i am and i always seem to lose these verbal battles.

Share your avoidance issues ...

Ok- no problem

What stops you from taking action or speaking up?

fear of what will happen to my kids.

What benifit(s) do you think you get by avoidance?

My kids have a place to call home. Occasionally my H shows the wonderful man inside. Really I do not get any benifets except my kids.

What has conflict avoidance cost you?

Self esteem
family
friends
confidance
respect
a loving relationship.


Happy Thanksgiving--- man that was depressing!

Perfect! I was going to bring up this subject this morning, but you beat me to it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I feel that my husband and I are both conflict avoiders, him more so than me. I've never really been a conflict avoider much in the past, until I got with him. I guess, it rubbed off on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Conflict avoidance has taken a heavy toll on me, physically as well as emotionally. It left me in "limbo land", not really knowing where I was going and where I was coming from.

There is absolutely NO benefit to conflict avoidance it at all.

I guess, I thought it was easier not to hear and feel the truth than facing it. BUT, the truth has a way of finding it's way everytime.

You can run, but you can't hide.

This morning, I faced an issue of conflict avoidance with my husband. Last month, he got two tickets for two separate traffic violations which total about $160.00. He did not tell me about it... I accidentally found out about it this morning (I also do...). I was going to call our insurance agent to discuss the policy renewal and ask for an additional discount due to accident free and ticket free driving. Well, it's not going to happen. I asked my husband why he did not tell me about the traffic tickest and he said that he was afraid of me. Now, get this. I am 5.2., a little more than 100 pounds and my own husband is afraid of me. I admit that I do get upset at things like traffic violations and the involved costs and I probably would have wanted to discuss this with him, but I fight fair and I do not attack him personally, but rather the issue.

I felt insulted as a woman that he would be afraid of me and at the same time, I felt hurt because I feel that he cannot come and talk to me about those things, so something must have happened that makes him feel that he cannot talk to me. My husband's entire family is one of conflict avoiders, so I don't know if this is just something that he has grown up with and learned and that I shouldn't take it personally. I want nothing more than to improve our communication because it would lead to more emotional intimacy. I'm sort of lost here.

One conflict avoider is bad, but two together are worse.

Kati

Hello, my name is Jelly, and I am a conflict avoider. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


What stops you from taking action or speaking up?

The deep fear of angering somebody
the fear of hurting somebody's feelings,
the fear of not having them like me, or approve of what I am saying.
the fear of having them never speak to me again, if we exchange words.

What benifit(s) do you think you get by avoidance?
Just the initial fact that there is no angry words spoken. Nobody is angry.

What has conflict avoidance cost you? [/QUOTE]
True communication with my H.
Respect.
Friends.
Numerous inconveniences, instead of saying no I don't want to, I just do, and over extend myself.
Self respect


My IC asked, Do you think anger is a bad thing. I thought of course it is, but was afraid to tell her, I thought it might make her mad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kyellow4:
My IC asked, Do you think anger is a bad thing. I thought of course it is, but was afraid to tell her, I thought it might make her mad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> [</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Jelly-
you put it way better then I did. Well said. You are just like me when it comes to conflict. I would rather be inconvienced then to say no to anyone. I have been working on that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
I asked my husband why he did not tell me about the traffic tickest and he said that he was afraid of me. Now, get this. I am 5.2., a little more than 100 pounds and my own husband is afraid of me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is afraid of what YOU THINK OF HIM... not afraid that you'll beat him up.

He is avoiding YOUR disapproval.

Pep

i saw this thread and knew it was a must read. but i am laughing too much at jelly's response to be able to type my own!!! i must say, jelly's responses pretty much are mine. i also hate anger and want to avoid it at all costs. i hate having someone angry at me and i hate feeling anger, with the exception of feeling angry at myself, i seem to do that very well.

i truely used to think my H was a conflict avoider and maybe he is, that is no longer my issue to worry about. what i must face and do something about is seeing that my actions of being in As was major conflict avoidance!!

i must not avoide conflict, repeat after me, i must not....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> oh I love this topic.
Because that's one thing I'm good at: conflict avoiding. I didn't even know it was called that for the first 40 years of my life.

I guess conflict avoiding is something you develop in the company of emotionally incomplete people (parents for example). Maybe when they're very critical and demanding, but maybe also if they're hypersensitive.

These people know very well how to manipulate others! They make you feel guilty or inadequate if you express your opinion. And that's how they get things done THEIR way.

Aha... time for us ol' conflict avoiders to develop a backbone and to gently but firmly stand up to this manipulation.

A few tips.
- do things that develop your self-confidence
- instead of agreeing very quickly, say "I have to think about that"
- don't be afraid of being imperfect, so what if you don't know everything or do something wrong?
- it's not because you have done something 1000 times that you HAVE to do it 1001 times
- remember that saying "no" might scare you.. but saying "yes" (when you don't really want to) will make resentment grow inside of you
- calmly stating what you want to say is very empowering
- how far will you bend over backwards before your back breaks? you can only get somewhere with that when you're doing the limbo
- you don't have to "explain" why you LIKE doing something: you are entitled to fun things for "no logical reason"
- read the book "I'm ok, You're ok" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
- use gentle humor

Anyone else for tips? tea? cookies?

I understand that, but what can I do/say to make him more comfortable in sharing things with me? Of course, I disapprove of the ticket, but I do not disapprove of HIM. When I found out about the ticket, I told him that of course it upsets me when he gets a violation ticket, mainly because it costs a lot of money that puts a dent into our already tight budget. I can't give him a pat on the shoulder for getting repeated violations.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is afraid of what YOU THINK OF HIM... not afraid that you'll beat him up.

He is avoiding YOUR disapproval.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Kati,
tell him sternly "ok sonny, you'll have to pay for that from your monthly allowance" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - like a mother would tell her son, but overdo it so it's obvious you're seeing the light side of it.
Then drop the subject.
He just might realise he's an idiot for getting speed tickets <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Hmm, I must say, that for some time after DD, I was afraid to open up to by husband and tell him everything. I was trying to avoid more anger and hurt from his part. I was also trying to avoid myself, saying out loud, the horrible things I had done.
Sooner or later, what one tries to avoid, comes back to you, and you have to face it anyways. So, its better SOONER,than LATER!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

MYRTA

Brownhair,

I think that is the problem. I've become too much of a mother figure. It really hit me today when he said that he was "afraid of me". I do not want this. I want nothing more than a man that I can rely on for a change. I'm responsible for EVERYTHING and I'm sick of it.

But at the same time, I think that I've created the monster as well. Maybe my reactions to these issues have caused him to feel this way.

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brownhair:
<strong> Hello Kati,
tell him sternly "ok sonny, you'll have to pay for that from your monthly allowance" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - like a mother would tell her son, but overdo it so it's obvious you're seeing the light side of it.
Then drop the subject.
He just might realise he's an idiot for getting speed tickets <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Question ???Please

What do you call the person who lives with the conflict avoider??? The one who will not stop pressing the CA for the conversation ... ?????

I am sorry to JACK but just asking ,,,,

B!TCH, and pain in the A$$ is so nasty so I want to be called something with a nice title !

TU

I am a poster child for conflict avoidance and so is my H. I, too, think Jelly summed up the "why's" nicely. I want approval, don't want anyone angry at me, hate rocking the boat, etc. Same with my H. I had to chuckle at Kati's post about the traffic violations. I found out about my H's latest tickets when I got the cancellation notice from the insurance company.

What has it cost me? Emotional intimacy, open honest communications, you name it. The conflict avoidance started when my H and I were dating. We got engaged after a couple years, then a few months later he was having second thoughts, then it took another SIX YEARS before he'd agree to a wedding date, and that only happened after someone else showed an interest in me. People were telling me to give him an ultimatum "marry me or we're through" but I feared he would say "okay we're through" and I'd end up alone, so I never brought it up.

Since then, we've avoided conflict about probably every major (and not so major) issue in our lives, from differences with family members to what kind of furniture to buy. The latest conflict, in my mind, is whether he even loves me. At one of our MC sessions, he said he wasn't sure, then said "well I don't love her like I loved my mother." Now I've got all the MIL issues to think about (she died before we got married but I have always felt I was competing with a ghost).

Good thread... I could go on for hours on this, but I won't! lol

I have come so far since DDAY. My H and I fight all the time, who knew that was healthy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> We NEVER fought before, I'm guessing some of you will understand that statement.

I pushed everything under the rug, now we are dealing with my years of anger and resentment that I have never dealt with before. Actually I think we are pretty much through that part, and now it is just the everyday stuff we fight about.

It is much easier for my H to respect me, now that I voice my opinion. I respect myself much more also, I am no longer a doormat. It has given me so much more confidence in my everyday life.

My H assures me, he will love me no matter what. I'm still scared, but now he is dragging stuff out of me, it makes me so uncomfortable, but our M is so much better now that we discuss issues.

My IC says, see he didn't leave you, you discussed your issue, and he is still there loving you. She is right, he doesn't stop loving me when we disagree, he really doesn't.

I will be 34 December 6th, and I finally feel like an adult. How sad is that. (oh please don't tell me Idiotville friends my real age, they think I'm 29, the Idiots) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

brownhair said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess conflict avoiding is something you develop in the company of emotionally incomplete people (parents for example). Maybe when they're very critical and demanding, but maybe also if they're hypersensitive.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly my case BrownH. Everything wrong with me is my mother's fault. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (oooh, bumper sticker) She still has me wincing in a corner, but I'm now taking control over that, and stepping up.

SO LOOK OUT WORLD, HERE COMES JELLY!!!

Oops sorry, was that too loud, I hope I didn't make anybody mad.

Yeah, I'm still working on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KY
P.S.
BrownH, I'm going to copy those tips. Thanks

Yep, I'm with Jelly, exactly the same reasons and responses.

I've thought about the "why's" and most of it stems from my older sister. She always made me feel stupid and that my opinions were stupid and the way I behaved was stupid. If I disagreed with her she would roll her eyes or throw a tantrum. She still does it now, just the tantrums are now sulking and tears.

Result, shut up and keep the peace.

Edited to add: Pep, it's no coincidence is it that most FWS's are conflict avoider supremos?


Jen

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

Conflict avoidance = people pleasing. Or at least it's a form of people pleasing.

That has cost me a lot. I hate to be the bad guy, I hate to be 'the only one' doing the work. It did not occur to me that there are non-hostile ways to confront people and problems (and the defective parts of oneself).

It cost me a lot, but I gained a lot in this process too.

Pep I am hoping the good people from **edit** will join in and add some perspective...

You rang? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Did you know SYMC is having login troubles today and we're all left twitching and babbling for lack of something to do that allows us to avoid real work?

So let's call 'conflict avoidance' (which is impossible, btw) what it really is rather than by it's politically correct euphemism. Plain and simple it's dishonesty.

Now, as y'all might suspect from that blunt statement I can't say I do conflict avoidance all that often. I used to though. I did it quite well - hiding what I was feeling behind a facade of either pretend contentment or chilliness. Followed by crying, shouting, slamming, and ripping. What did it get me? More hurt, more misunderstanding, and a whole lot of confusion.

But the opposite of dishonesty aka conflict avoidance (which is really just postponement anyway) is not fighting and arguing. Quite the contrary a heated argument with flying dishes and heated words is a WONDERFUL method for continued dishonesty (conflict avoidance).

C