I have had several affairs in the past and all under diferent circumstances. I know there is no excuse but I was young and stupid and regret every single one of them. I no longer have contact with any of the OP.The longest A lasted for 2 weeks.The last A was 3 years ago.But recently hubby thinks he may want to leave,says he just can't get over it. I really love him and want our M to work.Does anybody have any advice that may help him? How did everyone here move past the hurt?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Capricorn31:
<strong> I have had several affairs in the past and all under diferent circumstances. I know there is no excuse but I was young and stupid and regret every single one of them. I no longer have contact with any of the OP.The longest A lasted for 2 weeks.The last A was 3 years ago.But recently hubby thinks he may want to leave,says he just can't get over it. I really love him and want our M to work.Does anybody have any advice that may help him? How did everyone here move past the hurt? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This will be VERY VERY hard for your husband to get over. I think you need to truly realize this. Ofocurse is is not IMPOSSIBLE, ANYTHING is possible. This is going to take an incredible amount of work on your part and his. You have betrayed him MULTIPLE times and it is possible his love for you has died. I think you should start getting some counseling for yourslef to see what is it about your character that allowed you to betray your husband so many times. I think that is a start. Perhaps one of the many Wayward Spouses who posts here and has recovered their marriage can guide you better. Good luck.

IC, MC and time will help heal you and your H.

Being an open book and letting him search for more wrongdoing until he is blue in the face... and finds none.

Takes a few years when there are multiple affairs involved. But you say it has been three years already. Or is it just three years since the last affair.

How long has he known? What have the two of you done to recover your marriage?

~ Snow

PS: OOOPS!!! Sorry. Didn't realize this was just for the BH to answer. Hope I helped anyway!

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Capricorn31,

As a betrayed husband I can tell you this is easily the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. It will take time for your H to recover, but what I had been hoping my WW would do is the following:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Complete honesty - no secrets or hiding things</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No contact with OM</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Back your words up with your actions</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Unfortunatley for me, my WW has done none of the above. I have to drag the truth out of her time and again, she constantly hides things from me and she tells me one thing and does another.

MIF?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Capricorn,

I somewhat disagree with lemonman in the difficulty of saving your M. If you are willing to put 10% of the effort that you put into your A's, be able to forgive your BH the equivalent of your multiple A's, and pursue him like you did in your courtship, I'll bet you CAN get him back. I am not trying to be a smart*ss but the solutions to save a marriage are ALWAYS ridiculously easy to list, the actual effort put in by the WS to bring that to fruition are extremely difficult.

Best of luck and you have obviously started on the proper course by coming here to MB!

I am trying all your thought,mif?
He has known about each one right from the get go.they were all a one time sex thing, not necissarily an A except for the 2 week one but we were seperated during that time.I have been honest with him,and continue to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
<strong> Capricorn,

I somewhat disagree with lemonman in the difficulty of saving your M. If you are willing to put 10% of the effort that you put into your A's, be able to forgive your BH the equivalent of your multiple A's, and pursue him like you did in your courtship, I'll bet you CAN get him back. I am not trying to be a smart*ss but the solutions to save a marriage are ALWAYS ridiculously easy to list, the actual effort put in by the WS to bring that to fruition are extremely difficult.

Best of luck and you have obviously started on the proper course by coming here to MB! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cy:

If only things were that easy my friend. I do agree with your post, HOWEVER, realistically, it is usually so much deeper than all of this. You and I know both know that. Anyways, how have you been?

LM

Thank You Cymanca,
You have given me some hope. I really do want this to work and I am willing to do whatever it takes to help him overcome this.I truely regret the things I have done and I wish I could take them back but I can't.I am trying everything I can think of.
Unfortunately,he has acted normal all this time,and hasn't said anything, but just a few days ago said he can't take it anymore, he is still living at home and willing to try to recover the marriage but I was just informed he felt this badly....DUH!!!!
I can only imagine the pain he is going through and I can't believe I thought it didn't bother him.Like I said I was stupid.
Anyway, now I know and want to try to make ammends somehow.

Lemon,

Very tough Thanksgiving. I find myself giving my STBXW way too much power over my emotions. Just found out that contrary to what she has been swearing to all about NC, she just spent the holiday with the OM AND her family.

Nice to see you back. How goes it with you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Capricorn31:
<strong> Thank You Cymanca,
You have given me some hope. I really do want this to work and I am willing to do whatever it takes to help him overcome this.I truely regret the things I have done and I wish I could take them back but I can't.I am trying everything I can think of.
Unfortunately,he has acted normal all this time,and hasn't said anything, but just a few days ago said he can't take it anymore, he is still living at home and willing to try to recover the marriage but I was just informed he felt this badly....DUH!!!!
I can only imagine the pain he is going through and I can't believe I thought it didn't bother him.Like I said I was stupid.
Anyway, now I know and want to try to make ammends somehow. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry that I could not be as hopeful as Cymanca about your marriage chances. I would be somewhat concerned that you were not the least be "attuned" to your husbands unhappiness all of these years. What happened in the past after you were caught? I am certainly not the one to counsel you on "recovery", there are more than enough people who can "do" that here. Good luck in getting your husband back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

lemon,
you were very helpful, I wanted honest opinions,I'm sure H isn't feeling very optimistic right now.My H and I have a very long history of strange things.H said he forgave me,begged me to take him back from seperation while I was in A.(seperation was on his part)I immediately ended A and went back with H,had NC with OM since.H acted normal and seemed happy and fine.That's why I didn't notice.If it weren't for our strange past,I may have noticed but never know.

cap:

The rollercoaster is very, very common. Right now, he's thinking of the "next time". You may assure him all you want that there will be no "next time", but words are not actions. And, unfortunately, your past actions speak more than any words can.

Chances are,the roller coaster will continue. It is human nature. You don't hate your H for being human, now do you? So, this is as human a reaction as bleeding when you cut yourself. He may go back between wanting you back (he loves you), and not wanting you at all (he's a sap for taking you back).

One thing: It is not punishment. It isn't about you. A lot of WS tend to forget their BS are human, and are subject to the same frailties and limits we all are. They expect their BS to be "suprahuman" or beyond human. They also tend to migrate the BS's wounds and subsequent healing onto themselves. They think that the BS's pain is "punishment", when in fact it's part of the wounding and healing process. Suppose someone ran you over with their car, and you ended up in hospital with broken bones. You would go through a long and painful rehabilitation process. You may never fully recover, and you may carry the scars of the incident for the rest of your life. But, you're not doing that to "punish" the errant driver; you're doing that because that is what happens when someone is injured.

So, you must understand that while the injury and scars are not physical, they are still very much there, emotionally and psychologically. It is as if you ran him over with your car - several times in fact. But, because he is not broken and bleeding physically from the ordeal, even he is not fully aware of the damage done. His reaction is somewhat delayed. Again, this is a normal, human reaction to trauma, and is not about him being fickle or trying to hurt you. Sure, it seemed that all was fine, and at the time he probably truly believed it was. But, the emotional scars you inflicted were only ignored; unlike a broken bone or ruptured lung there is no measurable outward trauma that one can easily say "aha!" there's the problem. Your H's issues are all internal, psychological.

But, like a physical injury these can heal. All you can do is be patient. You wouldn't get all impatient with someone who you ran over with your car, would you? You wouldn't say, "okay now, just heal up those bones and repair those organs! I'm feeling like your recovery is about punishing me and I don't want to be punished anymore." You wouldn't expect "I'm sorry" to magically make the bones heal? The crippled walk? The blind see?

No, you'd realize their recovery is going to be long and difficult, and there is a chance the victim might never fully recover. You're going to have to take the same attitude here.

It's a good thing you mentioned amends - that means you are willing to take accountability for what you did and are seeking to make right by the person you injured. I think that is extremely commendable, and it shows you are an honorable person. But, you are going to have to let your actions show this, and that is going to require patience and consistency. They are the keys - and as long as you are consistent in your demonstrations of love, remorse and amends, as long as you show (not just tell) your H that you value and respect him, and that you are grateful for him - even when he wants to push you away - you can do no more. You might have to ease up once in a while so as not to smother him, but keep up the acts of love.

Uphill,

Brilliant post and fascinating read!!!

Capricorn,

I'm not a man, but I see that other women have posted..so I'm going to give you my .02.

I am the BS. If I ever left my H..it would not be because I didn't love him anymore, it would be because I decided that I was not willing to live with the fear and uncertainty any longer.

Despite his love for you, you have created a life for him in which he really can not predict what will happen to him..when he looks down the road..what he sees is a lifetime of waiting for the other shoe to drop..looking over his shoulder, and jumping at shadows.

Can you see how this could cause a person to want out just for some relief ? That he might very well be willing to trade the love he has for you, and the great future you may have together..just to be able to sleep at night and wake in the morning and know that he is not being lied to and betrayed?

The desciption that you have given..that there was no particular turmoil going on at the time he made this decision really suggests to me that something of this sort is the real issue..that he is saying to himself something to the tune of "even when it is good between us, I don't feel right, I don't feel safe". That he didn't share this with you tells me that he doesn't trust you with his feelings and his fears. Intimacy has not been restored.

I don't know necessarily if there is anything that you can *do* to fix this..it seems that you have been trying..but something that you must accept, and I say this with as much earnestness and gentleness than I have perhaps ever shown a FWS..is that your decisions have had lasting consequences, and it is entirely possible that one of those consequences will be the loss of your marriage. Your H is not am indestructible tool. Cut him, and he will bleed. It is possible that he has decided that he has bled all he is willing to and does not want to invest any further.

Your best bet, imo, is to ask him about this very thing, and ask him if there is anything that you could do to help him..demonstrate a willingness to make amends..but accept that the most respectfull thing you can do..is acknowledge that by your hand this has come to pass..you chose the actions..you do not get to choose the consequences, and neither does he. As it has been several years since your last A, it is clear that he very much wanted to restore the M..however, for some people, and I am one of them, if you haven't got trust, you haven't got anything.

I really hope that the two of you are able to find a resolution to this, your post demonstrates a remorse and humility that is commendable..truly the greatest tool you have in your arsenal.

Noodle

did you two go to counseling..

did you disclose the truth or were you 'busted'

did he know of the first...and then you went on to do it again....

and as important...

you gotta look at your own description in WHY you did it...

One night stands....though may appear less 'toxic' to some....they are insidiously bad...

they smack of such great disrespect towards the God given gift of human sexuality...
they are total using of oneself..another individuals self value...

I would be very fearful and wary of someone who could use sex so flippantly....

and would be fearful that they view the marital gift of sex and intimacy with not much value...
that may be part of his fear...and hurt...

this not an admonishment...though because people can and do change...and hopefully you have...

so perhaps you need to change your language about your acts....

to re-visit who you were the person capable of such things...
and who you have become...some one who could never ever ever be that person...


what are the different circumstances you speak of..

ark

Having caught Herpes after my WW's ONS, I can tell you that I take a hard line that may offend you:

Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me two times shame on me....and goodbye. You have become a serial cheater and need some serious help. Your husband must be a very patient and forgiving man.

Uphill,

I just wanted to say excellent post.

MIF?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Amafish2:
<strong> Having caught Herpes after my WW's ONS, I can tell you that I take a hard line that may offend you:

Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me two times shame on me....and goodbye. You have become a serial cheater and need some serious help. Your husband must be a very patient and forgiving man. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL, I am not laughing here, just <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> because reading your post is like seeing an old friend at a cocktail party where you no NOONE. I couldn't agree more with your sentiments.

I am the BS. If I ever left my H..it would not be because I didn't love him anymore, it would be because I decided that I was not willing to live with the fear and uncertainty any longer.
Thats great Noodle hit the nail on the head for me, just would like to add the movies and triggers must really be bad for him, they are for me but I am still hanging in trying to find a way threw it all.