This is kind of an answer to Orchid's thread

Being betrayed sucks. It's one of the worst things ever.

BUT...

Some very good things have come about because of this whole horrible trial.

1) I must thank my Wife (though I don't approve of the method) for throwing a wrench into the gears of a life that was doomed. If we'd continued the way we were going... very bleak indeed.

2) I must thank OP for teaching me the values of Forgiveness and Grace.

3) I was given the gift of an introduction to God and his Word and most importantly His Grace.

4) I was given the gift of Self Esteem as I handled the challenges given me even though I constantly thought I couldn't bear another second.

5) I learned how very much I love my Wife. I've learned (and still am) the limits to which I will go to preserve our union and do right by her.

6) I've learned how to fail miserably and still get up.

7) I'm now living in a town that I really really like, rather than one that was sucking the life out of me and corrupting everything I hold dear.

8) I'm making more money at my new job and enjoying it considerably more too.

9) I've gained a new insight into my Beloved. She's human and imperfect, just like me. Fallible, just like me. I can live with that.

All in all, the future right now looks way brighter than it did a month before my wife's A started.

This verse sums my views up quite nicely: Genesis 50:19-21

And we're not even officially in recovery yet.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dewt

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Absolutely beautiful, Dewt. May I ask how long since your D-day? Just curious -- I want to feel like this someday!
PM

A year ago this week I started journalling about my Ws affair with our room-mate. It was all out in the open. When it wouldn't stop, I left with 2 suitcases, the PS2 and child in tow. W joined us in June to help with our son (8yrs) who is having some difficulties but NOT to work on the marriage.

We are still not officially in recovery. But we are taking baby steps every day in the right direction.

I still have issues. I still suffer pain, and doubt but the truth is that somehow, I've come out better for all this. I really hope and pray with all my heart that things work out with my Wife. But even if they don't, all the above is still true.

(There's at least a half dozen posters out there thinking, "he finally gets it...")

So, papermom, have heart. This by no means is an easy nor pleasant journey, and you did not choose for it to happen.

But you can decide what to make of it. ([i]Which is, of course, easier said than done... but it isdo-able.[/b])

It also helps that I've made so many mistakes that it's next to impossible for me to sit in judgement of anyone...

dewt

Dewt,

Thanks for sharing. I have always felt that really bad things happen to us to teach us something & what someone has meant to attack us with, God can use for good somehow.

A friend of mine's mother died of cancer. Horrible tragedy. But, the good thing that came out of that was the fact that he now wants to care for cancer patients in a hospice. This was a very tragic thing in his life, losing his mother, but maybe God had seen this as an opportunity for my friend to do God's work, comforting the sick.

I have asked myself this question many times -- could I have learned the things I've learned by any other way than THIS particular way? Possibly, but would it have had as good an effect? Maybe not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I really hope and pray with all my heart that things work out with my Wife. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God answers those who are faithful. In His time, my friend, in His time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But even if they don't, all the above is still true.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great to hear.

Love in Christ,
Y

Dewt,

I haven't kept up with your recent posts as I spend most of my time over on D/D unfortunately, but you have gained some very valuable insights, it sounds like.

As for me, I can list two "gifts" at this moment that have come out of a very tragic situation.

1) My faith continues to grow. Talk about baby steps and making mistakes--I am the poster child of "one step forward and two steps back", but the thing is, I do see progress. And when I thought I'd die from all this in the beginning, God didn't let me. He showed me I can actually be happy, despite what I lost.

2) My relationship with both my kids (even my defiant, pain-in-the-rear daughter) has improved. Because I'm not devoting all my time to trying to keep peace in the house and with my husband (now XH), I have time to spend talking, listening, being involved with my kids.

So yes, good things or "gifts" can come out of what seems on the surface to be a very bad situation.

LL

Dewt,

I too love your posts like this. It does a heart good to know that there are men out in the world like you.

(are you listening Dylan? you got quite the guy girl, and maybe if he keeps it up you will start to believe it, heh? I miss reading your posts BTW)

However I can't answer this question right now. Maybe in about a year or so, eh?


Hey what's the difference between a canuck and a canoe? A canoe tips! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just a little joke from my years of bartending in a border town. I love Canadians though!

Hey Weaver! I resemble that remark! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NOT! AND
You might be Canadian if.....
-You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
-You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
-You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly"
-You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the people who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"
-"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"

Now that's me!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh Fighting, I did not realize that you were Canadian too. But now that you mention it, it really does make perfect sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Right on!

The strangest thing that ever came about in a conversation with a Canadian for me, was with a client who was going to Cuba on vacation. Well I am now in the import business so Cuba is like a huge poster saying NO, NO, NO not allowed. If you are from the U.S. then going to cuba on vacation is about unheard of. Anyway he was telling me about this trip he had planned to Cuba for vacation and I kept thinking the whole time he was putting me on. I kept saying things like, "yeah right" and "whatever" because I thought he was teasing me. Bout fell out of my chair when I found out he really was going to Cuba, and LOVED Cuba.

See how U.S. politics stunts us Americans.

Oh I think I need sleep.

To me a 'gift' is a deliberate kindly given thing.

I received no deliberate kind thing from OM or FWW so far through this mess.

That God was able to use some of the disaster to refine me by fire is not a gift from the infidels its a blessing from God.

FWW and OM wanted only for me to lose my wife, children and home, for a short time at least.

Ok, Bob, we don't need to use the word 'gift' if you think it's a bad one.

I used it mainly because these opportunities were presented to me without me asking for them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But still the point remains. And, if you read the link to Genesis, you will see that I don't for a moment pretend that my W and OW were planning to do something nice for me.

Anyway, there ya go.

J

I was wondering why this thread was so repellent to me..Bob, ya nailed it right on the head.

Noodle

I'm sorry Dewt, and please do not take personal offense, but there were no "gifts" either OW or my ex-H gave me.

Trying not to sound bitter, although I know there are small traces left in me, my ex-H gave me the "gift" of an STD that resulted in stage 3 cancer.

As for the OW, they gave me OCs (step-sons) who they (my ex-H & OW) allowed me to get to know just enough to fall in love with them as their step-mom only to rob them too from me.

So, I'm sorry, there are no gifts I can even pretend to make-up, because all there was was ugliness.

I, in sharp contrast, am still working on giving them, and myself, the gift of forgiveness. But it is a work in progress.

I really don't understand your query regarding getting gifts from two people that were, at the time, out to destroy you by way of their incredible selfishness.

Jo

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Sigh.

I apologize for offending. That was far from my intent. I definitely could have worded that better.

Happily, that is something within my power to rectify.

deut

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Dewt,
Regardless of the wording I think it is a beautiful post from your heart.
Now that God is there it doesnt matter about the rest.
It felt good when I was reading it.
Im still in a very bad place right now with my
M but I am praying for guidance and the will to just let go and let God take control of me, However he chooses, its very hard to do that because I dont want to let go, but that seems my only choice.
Thanks for the post, It made me feel better.

Genisis 50: 19-21 :

"... As far as I am concerned, God turned into good what you meant for evil. ..."


I can't find anything repellent in the post...

just the honest sharing of things perceived as good to come out of the mess of adultry...


Dewt has discovered some important things about and for himself...

there is pride in that post...

he learned how to fail...and yet get up....

not be HELPED up....

He found a spiritual place for himself....how amazing and special for him....how amazing that he backs it up with church attendance and bible class....

I am so pleased for him....

I prayed, during our separation/my affair....that something good would come of it for him...massive issues with responsability.....self-esteem has always been an issue....he HAD to see that he could survive and thrive....that HE could do it....and that he could DO it....

...that I be human and fallible in his eyes.....WOW...that is such a huge step for him...Goddesss on a frickin' pedastal...that's what I was for years.....

to be able to seen as human and fallible in his eyes....less than perfect.....my god...what a weight off my soul....trying to live up to his image of the goddess .....the standards I constantly felt I failed to achieve...the self-confidence that pi$$ed down the drain....

this new vision is a blessing......for both of us....

I am SO fallible....

my fall has been so great....I am still tumbling...

you would be required to read 5 years of MB posts to understand that...(a Torture no oe should be subjected to)


I'm not repelled, I think I understand perfectly...

thank you Dewt...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dewt:
Some very good things have come about because of this whole horrible trial.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My opinion is different.

Some very good things have come about in spite of this whole horrible trial.

The benifits you received were through hard work and willingness to change through God''s grace. The affair(s) in your long-term-relationship are not the source of your joy. Not by a long shot.

More like a catalyst for change grounded in pain and emotional torture.

Let's not glamorize adultery as a route to a cute life makeover.

Pep

dewt,

You originall post fits me almost to the T.

I have lost count of how many times I have told my WW thanks for rocking the boat and then apologizing to her for not being the man I should have been.

I should have been the one to stop the insanity, I should have done something sooner so that she would not have been put in the position to have the A.

Again, someone else that has almost the same story as me.

No worries, Dewt.

And thanks Pep, for adding clarity to what I was feeling and wanted to say.

Lv,
Jo

Dewt wasn't criticizing, just pointing out that I don't see any 'gifts' coming from OM or FWW.

It good that you recognise the silver lining to you cloud.

I'm not there yet. I KNOW I am more independent and realistically minded concerning life and relationships than I ever have been but it doesn;t FEEL like a good thing yet because I really LIKED being in an utterly dependable couple - symbiotic R.

I don't like this new independent life any where near as much, but I have been deluding myself all my adult life that such as a symbiotic M could sustain.