Here we are in recovery of over a year and 3 months. We still fight, but most of our fighting is over money, calendars, and menus. I happen to live with an anal person. A person who wants to use PDA's for the entire family (we can beam our calendar's, christmas lists, grocery lists to eachother), who wants to have a freezer chart, pantry chart, 6 week menu's of what we eat, who wants such a strict budget that I couldn't spend a dollar without turning in a receipt. He wants to do everything together. Meet once a week to pay bills together, go over calendars, receipts, and chore lists. Make date nights (I even asked once if we should schedule sex). Well, to get to my point we were trying to go over Budgets (after I put it off as long as I could) and he went into teaching mode. Example...

"How much gas are you going to use a month? If you go over that you will have to choose what events you attend. Where will that money come from? How many hours do you plan to work a week? We need to keep the house at 58, if we keep it at 68 like you want, that is 8% more for each degree, how much would that cost us a month? I don't like your cell phone plan, how much do you need in minutes each month. Lets look at your last bill, why did you call this number? What was so important? and this number?". (Note here, he was having a major affair when I picked my cell phone plan, he told me at the time, he didn't care which plan I picked. It was my money and my plan. However with experience, I have found that I am suppose to pick the one he would of picked, or made the decision he would made. This happens on all major decisions I make).

This went on forever until we got into a fight, and then I blew up and threw the affair in his face, which in turn he told me he did because of my phone bill, I made him have an affair. In the end he told me he was going to do what he wanted... meaning an affair because I always do what I want anyway (which is not true). I gave him my credit card, I do not have a check book and now I feel like I have to beg for money. I tried to tell him, I want him to do the budgets and money, and I would be more than happy to look it over with him, and help him, but I was not making all the decisions.

I just shut down, because in his mind numbers have no feelings. In my mind hearing about going over the dentist budget (I have some major work to be done), having a cell phone plan he doesn't like, keeping the house at 68, not having menu's to keep the grocery costs down etc... did effect my emotions. I just shut down, and went into fight mode.

We are now at square one again. I LB's and to be honest even if I am broke, divorce does not sound that bad. That would effect too many people, all the work we have done here at home, and the fact that his office is here at home in an outside building. Moving that office and the kids, would be too much.

t456-

One major LB doesn't put you back at square one.

Each day is a new day, you may have backed up a bit, but not all the way back to "Start".

Georgia

In my husband's mind it does put us back to square one. Once we take care of an issue it should never be brought up again or done again. Trust me, we are back to square one.

Hi, T456. Don't really know your story, but,
I read it somewhat differently.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants to do everything together. Meet once a week to pay bills together, go over calendars, receipts, and chore lists. Well, to get to my point we were trying to go over Budgets (after I put it off as long as I could) and he went into teaching mode. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, he is trying to do thing together while you avoid the budget? I know it is hard to get everything down to get it clear. Isn't that the way things are supposed to work. Doing even the crappy stuff together? But it sounds like there is a lot of resentment on your part and you are dragging your feet. It sounds like you have an issue with his personality - which you can't change. And if he is trying to teach you, how is that bad?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just shut down, because in his mind numbers have no feelings. In my mind hearing about going over the dentist budget (I have some major work to be done), having a cell phone plan he doesn't like, keeping the house at 68, not having menu's to keep the grocery costs down etc... did effect my emotions. I just shut down, and went into fight mode. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know what goes on in his mind? Isn't that a DJ? Doesn't shutting down build more resentment?

IMHO, there is a big communication problem. Are you seeing a MC?

I could be wrong and I know I come off as harsh and judgemental. That is not my intent. Just straight to the point is my style. No sugar coating. (Gee sounds like LM)So, if I offended you, I apologize up front.

Alright, I trust you, but...

what's in your mind counts also. You've spent 1 year and 3 months on this. Keep up the good work.

I've not been following along with you situation, but don't be so hard on yourself for one failing.

Every one of us, myself included, do the same thing, except with a lot more frequency than once per year.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Georgia

t456

it sounds to me like your H handles stress and issues by dealing with them like its an accounting problem. I think this is just the way he processes the issues.

Now I think the way you should handle this is to negotiate, that seems to be the way he forms his resolutions by making proposals like if we keep the house at 58 etc etc then you need to be a bit proactive and when it frustrates you do something like yes it sounds like a good idea to discuss this can we do it at xxxx.... this gives you some time to gather your thoughts and be better prepared to be able to talk with him WITHOUT fighting or LBs.

what this does is forces him to POJA - the policy of joint agreement - in fact way don't you suggest that this is what you need to do BEFORE you agree on anything. Its described here on the site so learn it and use it in a positive way. I mean its bit hard for him to decline it being that he seems to approach you in that sort of way.

I can understand how his 'impersonal' method could drive you up the wall, boy can I, but perhaps with a little bit of lateral thinking - after all thats what we women can do well isn't it - you can start bringing in all the MB principles bit by bit.
THEN you will see how he is or if he is working towards the rebuilding process and if he also is willing to change WITH you.

Because if you both dont change you will both end up very very unhappy or apart.

Are you getting any professional advice at all???

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 08:07 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

You gave me something to think about. I do have a problem with him. I do have a problem with calendars and planning. I am resentful that I have to put time in his calendar for him to spend time with me, otherwise he is out with his clients or doing something else. It is as if I am not anymore important than his clients, or other events. Have you ever wanted someone to just drag you to the bedroom and make love to you in the middle of the afternoon unplanned?? Have you ever wanted your spouse to call you up at the last minute with dinner plans or a movie or just decide at the last minute that you are the most important person in the world? That when the office phone rings and you are in the middle of a conversation that you just let the machine get the call?

I am just not a list person, or a minute by minute planner. That just drives me crazy. I don't mind planning really. I just don't like to plan every second of my day. If I have chicken on the menu and we don't feel like chicken, I like to have the option to change my mind and have something else.

We are just two very different people. He use to be fun. He didn't plan every minute when he was having his affairs. He would make plans at the last minutes. He spend his lunch hours screwing her, and spend his lunch hours with me doing budgets or calendars. He had passion with her, all I get is the business side.

Hmmm. I guess I have some issues I need to work on.

Thanks for letting me think outloud.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you ever wanted someone to just drag you to the bedroom and make love to you in the middle of the afternoon unplanned?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh dear, t456 I'm just very sensitive today about THAT issue ... unplanned is how = rock a bye baby... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
just did the home test 3 times today..

but YES its darn important. Trouble is I bet he has NO idea of your EN's do you any any idea of his????

Yes, his are "budgets, calendars, PDA's, work, and sex once in a while". He does process different.

I wrote him a long letter with my needs, and well he did it once and that was it. No more unplanned sex of any kind.

He is fixed so there will be no baby for us.

Are you okay with the positive test? What a blessing! Children are wonderful, and even if you are unsure now, when you hold that baby in your arms, all negative thoughts go away. Trust me, my last child just happened and I cried for three months. Now he is the love of my life, a very happy child. He brings such joy to both my husband and I.

aussleswife... are you okay???