Noodle,
Thank you for seeing my perception on how things can occur.

I'm not stating for a fact that this is or isn't the truth in THIS situation.

WS can lie, not only with the intent of continuing the A, and I think that needs to be recognized. A WS will often lie because they are afraid of inflicting more pain onto the BS. I'm not saying I condone the behavior, I'm just shining a different light onto the fact as it exists.

I'm trying to air a different opinion, yes, maybe one a little too full of optimism, but in reality, we're talking 5 weeks.

I think the 3 months post DDAY are critical. This again, is only my perception.

Everyone's world turns upside down. We all know many WS continue to lie, Radical Honesty isn't something we wake up to one day.

Marriages aren't broken in a day, and marriages aren't rebuilt, or reinvented in a day.

Hell, if I had the ability to implement all of Harley's principals into my marriage in 5 weeks, my marriage probably wouldn't have met with infidelity in the first place.

We all need to have a little more tolerance of the situation we encounter here.

Just as all marriages shouldn't be saved, ALL WS's can't be lumped together either with ...if their mouth is moving...it must be lies.... false recovery coming your way....these kinds of things should not be thrown around prevelantly.

I eat a lot of crow, and I guess that's why I get so defensive, it's just I realize and truly except the state of my marriage.

My H, may have chosen a less than noble behavior, but it's not a reflection of the person he really is, it's not a letter for him to bear...and I'm kind of getting that lately from the boards....does that make any sense ?

Noodle -

I asked my WH the same thing - "Did you use protection?" He swore he did. Later I found out from OW's husband that they did not use anything. In the meantime my WH and I had SF. Sooooo, I had to go to my doctor and get all of the tests.

That is what is so bad about all of this. You just cannot trust the WS to tell the truth about anything.

Believer,

Noodle <--- is a germaphobe to the Nth degree.

If H had SF with me without having told me about what he had done..there would be no reconciling.

I might forgive an indiscretion, but never a careless/ruthless disdain for my health and ability to live .

Even had he lied about the condom..it would still have been 7 months before he touched me..and the same two full sets of tests. Condoms just aren't that foolproof. I am very protective of my body. If he had turned up with even a livable disease..say herpes..sorry, no dice. Not for me, not ever.

Besides which..what he did was just gross . Thinking of all the people who had been with this woman..and imagining swapping body fluids with her [shudders]..I think not. He needed to get the stink off before I'd come anywhere near. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Noodle

Well, I think he finally came clean. He had a full blown affair with this woman for 4 months. They met every chance they could get. They worked together and would meet at special places to make out with each other. He had finally confessed that they had sex 2 times, but he spent two other nights naked with her in a hotel room, but they weren't ready to have sex yet. He said it wasn't about the sex; it was the attention and affection she gave him.

They exchanged gifts, he made special trips out of town to see her, and he told me he was trying to fall in love with her. He felt the attraction and he didn't even care if he got caught at that point. He said he was angry with me, but he couldn't tell me why. He said it was 20 years of things that had built up in him. He didn't realize how blessed he was to have a beautiful wife and three wonderful kids. (I hope he hasn't screwed up our kids. He even confessed to them that he made a horrible mistake and had sex with another woman. I was shocked!)

Then after they had sex the first time, he said it didn't seem right. He tried to end it, but the OW pleaded with him, so he succumbed. They continued to sneak around and kiss and fondle each other, but it was a month later that they decided to sleep together again. Maybe it would feel better.

They did it, and my husband said again it didn't feel right. He tried to end it again, but got weak again. He said at that point he was realizing that she wasn't what he was looking for.

He said he was looking for that special feeling that he and I had had in our marriage, but he couldn't find it with her. But, he continued to kiss her because he said it made him feel good and he would settle for that.

Then DDay came, and within 2 hours, he realized that everything he had been looking for was right at home. He couldn't tell me the truth because he didn't want to hurt me.

Well, here we are. He went to my mother and father tonight to apologize for what he did to me, and to ask for a job. He said he could not go back to a wining and dining work atmosphere and build trust back into his relationship with me. My father owns 2 dealerships, and my husband had worked for him previously for 6 years. He really didn't like it because it was not a glamorous job.

When he got this glamorous job that he's in now, I said I didn't want him to do this because I knew it wasn't a job that was conducive to family life. He said, it's okay. I can handle it. Ha!

Anyway, he said he would go to counseling to address his lying, his anger problem, his selfishness, and his arrogance.

He begged my father to hire him so he could prove to me that he was worthy of me. My dad said he would work on it.

Now I'm at a place where I have all these details about the affair that I have to deal with. I feel like nothing in our marriage is sacred anymore. I feel like if he cuddles with me the OW's face will pop into my head.

We're both going to go to marriage counseling. He is still out of the house. Tomorrow I have to go out of town for the day, and he is going to work out of the house while I'm gone.

I feel I'm just living day to day. One light during this dark time was when the OW"s spouse called me to verify details, I was telling him how hard this had been for me. I thanked him for helping me to resolve the issue by clueing me in about the sex. He said that even though he had only met me a couple of times, that I was a beautiful woman inside and out, and that I deserved to have my children, and maybe one day a man who wouldn't do what my husband did to me.

I know it sounds corny, but I needed that.

Thanks for all of the posting and support.

srdd

Good luck, you are in for a long haul...,

MIF?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Is the long-haul you're referring to the recovery period?

srdd

srdd,

NOW it appears WH is truly"walking the walk". Going to your parents and asking for forgiveness is a very impressive show of his willingness to humble himself and to admit his errors. This is a huge positive sign.

PS You will know when a true positive sign occurs because it usually is accompanied by the BS suddenly questioning whether THEY want to stay in the M. Don't know exactly the reason for this reaction, but I suspect the BS has a moment of clarity and appreciation for how truly two-sided the decision must be.

Hope that makes sense, its late.

Sleep well. I am very happy for you!

Hi Srdd,

Your H's actions are matching his words... I'd say that this is a GREAT sign that you guys are well on your way to rebuilding your M!

Semper Fi,
RIF

^bump^

How are things going Srdd?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by srdd:
<strong> Well, here we are. He went to my mother and father tonight to apologize for what he did to me, and to ask for a job . He said he could not go back to a wining and dining work atmosphere and build trust back into his relationship with me. My father owns 2 dealerships, and my husband had worked for him previously for 6 years. He really didn't like it because it was not a glamorous job.


srdd </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WELl, how did your father handle this? IMO your father should NOT BE baling out your WH here. This is just another way for you (And your family) to enable his behavior. I May stand alone on this, but men who cheat on their wifes have serious serious character issues and I think it a whole lot deeper than this. LEtting your husband quit his job and FIND ANother one on HIS OWN would go a lot further to cause true change in him.

OH WELL, I think my advice is probably falling on deaf ears here. GOod luck in recovering your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">May stand alone on this, but men who cheat on their wifes have serious serious character issues </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would agree, you stand alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I don't agree about not giving the H another job.

This man is giving up a job that clearly was dear to him for a less glamorous job in order to try and recover his marriage. I see this as copping the consequence of his affair right on the chin. I don't see it as the easy option at all. I think it is a great sign of his willingness to do what it takes to recover his marriage. I believe if possible that he should be supported in this.

SRDD your ealier posts on this thread had me worried
BUT
your latter posts are showin some very good and hopeful signs for you marriage
hang in there

How are YOU? Look after yourself. This is all so hard. It is a long and hard process. Make sure you get the help you need, be it medical, psychological, or just agood old natter with friends, or someone to mind the kids and have a time out from it all.

good luck
C&S

Well, I guess I'm doing better. My husband and I went to a healing priest and he told my husband that he was very lucky to have me. He said that this was his last chance for salvation. He said the only reason this marriage has a chance is because I am a prayerful woman. He told my husband to thank me for saving his soul every day for the rest of his life. He said my husband had no courage. Satan was working in his life, and now he is humbled. He said if he kept this up he would kill my love for him, and if he did that, the marriage would be over. He gave us a blessing, and things were great for about a day.

Then I went to a dark, dark place. I wanted to stop living, felt like I wasn't loved or worthy of love. My husband and my friend helped me through it. I had begun taking Zoloft on Monday, but it takes a while before it actually kicks in.

I made it through the episode, and my husband and I decided to go see a movie. During the movie, my husband got a phone message from the OW's husband. We walked out of the movie to go to our car to call, and my husband started wretching and about to throw up because he was so scared. I held his hands and told him he had to call the man, and I would be here.

He called him and confirmed information that he had gone into the OW's husband's bedroom and sat in his chair, but hadn't kissed the OW in there because he thought it felt too weird. So they went into the kitchen and kissed. The OW's husband thanked me for the marriage builders website that I had told him about, and I told him I was praying for him.

Later, we went to a new marriage counselor. She was very good, and we really focused on getting me through this, i.e., breathing techniques, journaling, loving myself, etc.

Friday, we went back to church for another healing service. The service begins at 2:00 in the afternoon and doesn't end until about 6:00 in the evening. We prayed with the group, and then you sit in silence while everyone goes individually to the altar for a blessing. While we were waiting, I asked my husband if he had ever kissed another woman besides this last one, and he said he had to tell me something. He didn't want to hurt me again, but he had to tell me the truth since he was an honest man now.

10 years ago while out of town, a woman who worked with a friend of his was out with a group of people. They flirted with each other and he left to walk her to her hotel. He rode up in the elevator with her and she said he was so cute that she just wanted to see what a kiss from him would feel like. He said then kiss me. She did. The elevator opened and she walked out. He got out of the elevator and thought about following her to her room, but he stopped because she had not invited him in, so she must not have wanted him to. He did say that if she had invited him in, he would have gone.

That was yesterday. I was so willing to give him another chance because I had this needy feeling that I was losing something. Now I realize that I never had what I thought I had in this man, and you can't lose what you never had. I don't feel needy anymore.

He's really pressuring me to give him another chance for the kids, and so I must. But, I really don't know if I still love him.

Does any of this make sense?

srdd

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by srdd:
<strong> That was yesterday. I was so willing to give him another chance because I had this needy feeling that I was losing something. Now I realize that I never had what I thought I had in this man, and you can't lose what you never had. I don't feel needy anymore.

He's really pressuring me to give him another chance for the kids, and so I must. But, I really don't know if I still love him.

Does any of this make sense?

srdd </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ofcourse your feelings make sense. I don't think you should base your wanting to gte back together with him solely on the info you have. He (In all likelihood) has cheated other times, so you may never know the "truth". I think despite what people say here, YOU OWE nothing to your husband in saving your marriage IF YOU DON"T WANT TO> HE has given you more than emough reasons to divorce him tomorrow. NOw, if you want to save the marriage, great, but this should be based on what you want...NOT HIM. Good luck in whatever you decide.

I second Lemonman's post. You are entitled to feel exactly how you feel. You do not have to remain because he is pressuring you. It is up to ou to decide, based on how you feel and on his actions and how you feel about them.

But you don't have to decide anything right now in such an emotional time for you. Good for you getting the ADs. I took Zoloft they were a help. I am no longer on them.

You are taking good steps. Seeking counseling, looking after yourself. Your H is actually now showing some very good signs. Attending counseling. Sharing information that he knows will hurt but being honest. This is crucial if you are to recover. If you can't be truthful with one another, your relationship is based on sand, not rock. Watch his actions and how they stack up with his words. This is how to start to grow back some trust. It will take a whole lot of truth over a long time before that trust will begin to grow again. And any lie, no matter how trivial will set you back. And I mean a lie about anything, not just relating to the affair.

It is important when he does share a truth with you, that you try not to punish him for it. It is hard when something hurts like hell. It is OK to say, that really hurt. But try not to LB and scream. If you can not overreact, this makes it safer for him to continue to tell truth. He he tell truth and gets beaten over the head for it, he is less likely to continue.

Anyway here for you
C&S

Hi srdd,

I'm glad you checked in with us.Sounds like some things are improving.It certainly isn't a straight line to get through recovery but at least you are attempting.Don't let yourself be rushed into any decisions.If your WH is true to wanting a chance then you have some time to let this play out.Take baby steps.See where it takes you.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

O

Hi everyone,

I'm just following up since my last post. My husband and I are going to a new marriage counselor, and we really like her a lot. She told us to buy a book, "The Enneagrams" by Beesing. My husband and I read the book last night together. It is a book of self discovery. My husband suddenly knew why he made the decisions he did. There are 9 personality flaws types, and it really helped to know where each of us fit into it, and why each of us struggles with what we do. I would suggest this book to anyone wanting to know more about themselves and why they make the choices they do. The book is Christian based, and really helped us to understand ourselves and what we have to do to become a better person.

As far as our marriage is going, I am taking baby steps. I am no longer crying every day. I get up and keep myself busy helping other people. It makes me feel good to help others.

I want to thank everyone here at MB for your support, advice, and honesty. In fact, on my enneagram, my strong point was honesty; my spouse's flaw was deceit. Go figure.

Anyway, I hope all of you have a blessed holiday season as we struggle to be more like Jesus. I am forever grateful for the support here, and please don't ever go away. You were there when I needed you, and I may even need you in the future. Only time will tell.

Thanks,
srdd