ok, call me crazy here, but i can't see how plan b is an effective tool in repairing a M. i have done the plan a thing, but my H doesn't see that his "friendship" is an EA. i don't want to lose my marriage, my H, or my family, i want healing. can someone please explain to me how leaving my H is going to bring me any closer to that. i understand that he has to have boundries, but he is obviously in a great deal of pain and emotional turmoil right now, (as am i) but if i "abandoned" him in his time of need, she will be the one there for him and that gets him in even deeper in the EA with a chance that it will go even further.

Have you exposed the relationship to his OWs spouse or family ?

How long has you been in Plan A ?

Once the A is exposed and a GOOD plan A has been effected for a 'reasonable' time period yet teh A still lingers on, plan B is designed to remove AT A STROKE all the plan A and other benefits of being married to you from your WH.

The fantasy of the affair is brutally forced into the horrible reality of every day life.

Typically, WS start to miss all sorts of things they'd taken for granted AT THE SAME TIME as they see their OP outside the lies and fantasy horsesh1t they told each other. Bills, laundry, arguments, tiredness, arguments, guilt.....all these things attack the affair very quickly.

Many recalcitrant WS come creeping home once they realise how untenable is the fantasy into 'real' life.You should do an EXCELLENT plan A before going to plan B.

Read up in surviving an affair or on the pages that introduce this site for a better description.

All blessings

Plan B can only be successful after a strong Plan A.

Plan B is a protection phase. It protects the BS from totally losing any love they have left for WS, and it keeps the WS from seeing a dark side of the BS.

Does is throw them into the arms of OW? Sometimes Yes, but they get together under YOUR terms, not theirs, and now there's turmoil in the R. The boat has been rocked, not so much fun anymore when your H takes a step back and takes a look at the situation.

Before Plan B is applied, and strong almost flawless Plan A needs to be executed for a certain amount of time set by you. I believe Dr. H recommends 6 months, but I could be wrong on his time.

Plan B is also a boundery plan. I'm certain you have an internal boundery that say infidelity is WRONG. Well, your H is overstepping your boundery and YOU ARE LETTING HIM. Example here: If a neighbor constantly came into YOUR yard (property boundery) and started rearranging your propery, would you allow it?? No, you would do what it took to stop them. Same goes with your H.

To set a boundery with your H, first you don't word it to him as a boundery, this comes across as controlling. Word it like this:

Your relationship with the OW is going against everything I believe in morally and goes against our relationship. I love you, but I will not tolerate this relationship any longer. I will be helping you pack to leave this household. I will be very open to talking with you when this relationship with this OW has been terminated permanently. Until then, I expect to to find alternate living arrangments.

You need to be very strong to pull this off, he may say that "good, I can go live with her", things like that. Don't buckle. If you decide this route, you need to be concrete, or he'll see you as weak, and he'll walk over you even more.

Good luck

okay, i understand what both of you are saying, but there are some other things going on here. i posted under "what about EA" as my first post. as i stated there, the EA took place while my husband was deployed to iraq. since his return in feb, we have been riding a very horrible roller coaster. he feels like i "abandoned" him while he was deployed because i shut down emotionally, because he was not supporting me. so both of us were wrong, the only difference;l i didn't turn to someone else. so i started counseling upon his return and realized that he was not "in love" with me. he was seeing her and talking to her several times a day. he told me i was not his best friend anymore, and that she was. long story short, i tried plan a, along with trying "relationship rescue" as well. we ended up having a big fight after i read his journal and saw some very disturbing things, which he explained as me reading it wrong... regardless he asked me to leave. we are stationed in germany, and i went back to my family in the states. i stayed gone for 10 weeks in which time i continued counseling. this was his choice for me to leave, not mine, and i didn't want to stay gone that long. i felt then, and still feel now, that we need to work things out together and seperation is only going to bring us farther apart instead of together. while i was gone, he said that he "fixed" what was wrong with him. upon my return he said that he was in love with me, that he realized that this whole thing was his fault and that he wants to be with me forever. so i thought that included the OW, but it didn't. sounds great right, well the big problem is that he neglects to see that his "friendship" (in his eyes EA in mine) is the main problem in our relationship... not main, ONLY. he says that it is my problem that i can't accept that they are going to be friends and that they have a bond, and that i needed to get over it. he says he loves me now like he used to, he wants me, and all of the good and right things. the love is there, that has never been a problem, but i can't get him to see that the "friendship" crossed the line. he says that this is all in the past and i need to get over the past. so this is where it leaves me, i am angry hurt and frustrated. i don't want to push him toward her anymore, but i don't want a divorce, and i don't want to leave. i don't want to give ultimatums. i know he is hurting, and i know that he sees this forged "friendship" as a result of me being there for him, which i agree with and accept. i don't feel like i am ready for the finality that plan b could bring, so is there any inbetween?

How long did you do Plan A, and was it a good solid Plan A? There should be no big fights during Plan A.

o.k. I have a better understanding of your situation. My H was deployed to Iraq for Desert Storm, 1990-1991 (we were dating) and by the grace of God he hasn't been back yet (he's reserves)

I have a total understanding of the emotional trauma that hits both when one is deployed.

My H also felt it of no harm to be "friends" with the OW he fell in love with after their PA ended. The way I ended that was I became the biggest thorn in her side. I constantly called her and let her know the R was NOT O.K. And I would tell my H also (lovingly) how their R was hurting me and our marriage. Eventually my H got sick of hearing it from both sides. The OW would call up complaining about me calling her, he'd turn around and hear me complaining. It wasn't worth it anymore and he ended it. This is what worked for me.

Everyone has choices in life, knowone can control the other. To give into control builds resentment. But to instill consequences for unappropriate behavior is o.k., like I did.

Your H has a choice to speak with OW or not to. You have a choice to accept it or not.

813...

one of the key factors you are not grasping in this...
is that there is NOTHING you can do that MAKES him do anything...

he chooses...

already after months of pleading, begging, educating, explaining, telling him of your pain of continualed contact...

he still CHOOSES to have contact with her..
that he KNOWS upsets you because he hides and lies about it....

so you can continue to power struggle this adnauseum..which you know doesn't work....

Or
you could consider a serious hyped up plan A for a set period...where you clearly state the boundary that his emotional attachment to her is unacceptable in YOUR life and YOUR marriage...
that you will NOT be married to someone who turns away from their spouse and to another woman in the guise of friendship...

say it lovingly
say it softly..

don't power struggle it
don't beat the proverbial dead horse....

and let him know that it his choice..and then at the end of your plan a time period..
you choose as well whether you want three in your marriage or two..

there is NO control over him
there is NOT forcing him or making him do anything...
it is you alone deciding what you will or will not have in YOUR life..

you are free to choose
as is he..
so far he keeps choosing her...
you need to decide what that means to you...

ark

thank you ark for saying so kindly what has been building in my heart for a long time. i know that everyone's situations are complex and different, but i guess that i have been afraid that the element of war added into our equation makes it seem very cold of me to try not to understand this bond they created. but... i do know and feel like i am finally strong enough to lay my boundries out there, and to finally stand up for my feelings. it is a scary but liberating feeling when you reach that point. but like i have heard several other times, when you get there you know it, and there is no turning back. thank you for the support.

ark, you write so eloquently, like a poem.

I agree, ramp up the Plan A.

And to answer your question, does a Plan B drive the OP and WS together...YES!!!

What happens is thus:

A Plan A helps you develop habits and repair parts of your M that were failing. Helps you stop the LB's and begin to fulfill their top 3 EN's. The WS will begin to struggle with falling back in love with you and keeping the OP. Sometimes Plan A is enough and the WS will give up the OP when their needs are being fulfilled by you.

If the OP has become too much of a fantasy for the WS and the WS wants to continue the R with both people, and if the BS feels their love draining, then it is time to move to Plan B.
Plan B serves 2 purposes, it serves to protect the love the BS has left for the WS by removing them form the day to day in-your-face betrayals. And it throws the WS and OP together. A's will die a natural death, and what Plan B does is encourages that death to occur quicker. When faced with the reality of a long-term R, the fantasy of the A will implode under that pressure. The OP begins to LB and they cannot fulfill the WS EN's as well as you can.

But, a Plan B works best if you have performed a stellar Plan A, shown the WS what a great M with you can be like, and what they can return home to...