Yeah but she still tells me she is still leaving in June.. Is that fog talk or should I take her serious?

I don't think I'm qualified to answer that question. But I'm sure most others here would say that it's fog talk (however I don't want to put words in anyones mouth). I've always lived by actions speak louder than words. Sometimes that was good and sometimes bad. Anyway back to you... she has left yet, and June is a long time away so you have a lot of things you could do in the mean time!

Well i'm up for anything that will help me save my M...

Plan A buddy, and also show her that you are strong. Strong for both of you if need be. That's been my game plan, then when she's gone I can vent and let my "acting" go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> Yeah but she still tells me she is still leaving in June.. Is that fog talk or should I take her serious? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's her timetable. Can you make her leave sooner? That might really bust up her plans. Why June?

L.

Dear Michael,

I wasn’t around for a few days and have just finished reading the updates on both your threads. I’m glad you receive so much good advice and support from the people... We all care about you. Please never think about suicide as an option again… God loves you too much and your life is too valuable for that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, I’m glad you’re in a better place. You ‘sound’ much better than two days back... I’m so relieved! I think your W’s honest and open communication with you was the best thing that could have happened under the circumstances and her willingness to fulfill some of your EN’s again is a very positive sign. I’m also glad your W apologized for the hurtful things she said to you and started to show some sensitivity for your feelings... I really hope things will progress in this area.

Blessings and take care,
Suzet

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 03:36 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Michael,

We are going through Harley's program and I find some of it difficult because it is bringing up really horrible memories, BUT the difficulty is being countered by my H's willingness to meet my need for physical affection.

If you look at HN/HN, there are four intimate emotional needs: affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational companionship. Concentrate on those. Anyone can provide a paycheck. Financial support is important, but does it really build romantic love?

My H who is the WS just wants me to be a better housekeeper. That's discouraging, but at least he is now willing to spend 15 hours per week with me. Over time, I hope that he is open to having me meet his intimate emotional needs. Remember that you need your needs met as well. You both need to be happy.


Cherished

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Hi, Michael. Glad to see you are back on track.

There are a lot of similarities. My WHs #1 EN is Financial support as well. I see in one of your WS's quotes that she brought this up as well. Can I ask what you are doing to make that happen? I know it was a HUGE problem in the area I live given my skillset. So, it was very hard to fulfill.

Fightingalone-again:

Well for the finacial support area, I have made a commitment through IC to find the root cause of my going through so many jobs in such a short time span. My thinking is that I worry so much about WW and what she is up to that I find i'm working my tail off so she can run around..Well in all honesty thats not the case..

The A she had when we first got married was only a month long thing and she was pregnant with my oldest son at the time. Then she ran into the same OM in may and this time she kept the A going until 14 day's ago, yep thats right she is on day 14 and I'm very proud of her.

Right now i'm working for a big box retailer and I find that if I pace myself with the challenges I will find rewards at the emd of the day.

Will this help me from screwing up and losing this job, prolly not, because you have to like where your working to want to stay. There is a local retailer who is interested in my skills and I would love to work for them instead but I fear leaving this job will only anger the ww more.


And the reason she is walking away in June is because thats when the kids are done with school, and she feels if any of them want to go with her , she will be able to take them and go live at her mom's.

I wish going to her parents would help in the exposure area but her Mom cheated on her dad when she was younger and ended up marrying the guy who is now her step Dad..Her real Dad knows about her A but he thinks it ended months ago and none of them know about the cps investigation, she does not want anyone to know.

I don't know if I should still expose the A since she is going on 14 days of nc, and she says she will send a nc letter, but i feel it's a letter to more aoease me then her..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> ....The A she had when we first got married was only a month long thing and she was pregnant with my oldest son at the time. Then she ran into the same OM in may and this time she kept the A going until 14 day's ago, yep thats right she is on day 14 and I'm very proud of her......

And the reason she is walking away in June is because thats when the kids are done with school, and she feels if any of them want to go with her , she will be able to take them and go live at her mom's.

I wish going to her parents would help in the exposure area but her Mom cheated on her dad when she was younger and ended up marrying the guy who is now her step Dad..Her real Dad knows about her A but he thinks it ended months ago and none of them know about the cps investigation, she does not want anyone to know.

I don't know if I should still expose the A since she is going on 14 days of nc, and she says she will send a nc letter, but i feel it's a letter to more aoease me then her.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MS,

14 days of NC maybe but still not in recovery. Her statement about waiting until June is baloney. There is no good time to leave. Don't let her make the time lines. You do it when you are ready, if it is earlier, the better.

As for your telling the family, if you don't you will be shooting yourself in the foot. They already know she has had an A. If her current antics are left covered up, it will look like you are the bad guy and you could lose credit with them. They s/b brought up to speed. Not with all info but enough for them to be able to support your stance.

As for the job changing, if she were sane that is one thing but as you feel, the WS will use all they can to make the BS feel guilty. So you do what is best for you and your family. If she accuses you of such, give the accusation back with her name on it (reverse babble of sorts). Ok? Don't take her guilt.

Ask to speak to your W not the WS. If she gets angry, it's the WS in front of you and it is best to walk away. She will get more angry just proving the need to keep your distance.

Could this send her back to the OM? Yep it could....but then again that was going to happen sooner or later anyway, then what? So why cause the pain t/b stretched out. Get it over with and move forward.

RE: My WS told me that as long as I allowed/enabled him by taking care of his business obligations, family needs and not giving him back his guilt, he would have continued the A. There was no backlash to his irresponsible ways. Well.....that created a lot of stress for me. I showed him the door and gave him his stuff and stress, then sent him on his way. It wasn't long before he came crawling back asking to come home. Each time he was sent out, then came back the stakes for return went up. I chose NOT to live with the OW in my life. When I made that decision, my life with or without the WS got much easier to handle. I call it setting my boundaries.


Hope this helps,
L.

Last night she initaited Sf once again, I gave her the space she needed while she watched a movie and I sat and read a book ( SAA ) agian...


I need to find a way to put my Plan A in writing so I can see it come together. I need to find my faith in God once again and let is stand true.

When we got up for work this a.m she got a little nippy and I looked at her through sleepy well SF'ed eye's and told her it's going to be ok and that I'm proud of her, She looked at me with this very blank look and smiled and walked away..

When she came home on lunch she was pressed for time and was trying to find the time to stop at the bank before she was going to be late, I looked at her and said " Honey enjoy your time home, I will do the banking for you" She smiled and said thank you. she came up tyo me and gave me a hug and kiss before leaving..And for once I did not ask for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> Last night she initaited Sf once again, I gave her the space she needed while she watched a movie and I sat and read a book ( SAA ) agian...


I need to find a way to put my Plan A in writing so I can see it come together. I need to find my faith in God once again and let is stand true.

When we got up for work this a.m she got a little nippy and I looked at her through sleepy well SF'ed eye's and told her it's going to be ok and that I'm proud of her, She looked at me with this very blank look and smiled and walked away..

When she came home on lunch she was pressed for time and was trying to find the time to stop at the bank before she was going to be late, I looked at her and said " Honey enjoy your time home, I will do the banking for you" She smiled and said thank you. she came up tyo me and gave me a hug and kiss before leaving..And for once I did not ask for it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - I have to admire you for loving your wife like this. I don't know how this will end up for you, but I really resepct you for trying here. I don't know if I could be as strong as you here in saving your marriage. Man, I am rooting for you.

LemonMan:

My strength comes from people like you and Suzet and Pure Bob and all of the other's who have gone out of there way to help me through this.

I see a 2x4 in my future ( LemonMan swings and connects) <----- I read your story and it touched me deeply, I actually got teary eyed, I'm still working on a response to your story.

I envy your strength.

Michael, sorry if I'm not posting to you a ton these last couple of days. My own troubles are getting to me a little.

But it sounds like you're doing great, really well.

GC

GreyCloud,

Thank you for all your support. I hope things for you get better as well, You have been more then helpfull and I like to think of you as my Angel and lemonman as my little demon, you both have helped balance my thoughts out...

I agree with the others, Michael, it may not be a full blown R. However I think you have definately rounded the bend. There will most likely be rough waters a head, but I think your in a good spot my friend.

Native.

Hi
I posted to you early in all of this. Sorry for how bad things got. Seems they are getting a bit better right now. But remember, this is rollercoaster. Don't be surprised if your WS becomes nasty again. And funny enough the reason may be that she starts to feel herself feeling for you again and this may scare her. That said

Try and continue with your plan a. It seems to be getting through to her right now. Like others have said, work on her emotional needs like you seem to be trying to do. And important NO LBS they undo any of the good anything else you are doing is achieving. Try not to make disrespectful judgements.

If you get a chance, try and get hold of Love must be tough by Dobson. If you can't afford it, try a library. Your wife's response to you giving up and telling her you want to be happy reminds me of a part of the book where Dobson explains how the WS is feeling caged or captured and wanting to escape. Your telling her to to be happy sort of may have quelled that feeling. Which is possibly why she then felt safe to open up to you.

You see then she is feeling she is there not because you are controlling her, but because she is choosing to be. The book is a great read and it certainly helped me. You can not control anyone, however you can be the guiding light that leads them home.

Telling you things even though hurtful is a good step. It starting to break the deceitful, lying personna that she has developed. Please try and not over react when you hear a hard truth. Defenciveness and anfry reactions will discourage her from further honesty. Sounds like you handled it pretty well this time. But there will be more coming. In time she may start to share with you where she feels that you have not measured up in the marriage. Even if you don't agree, try and listen repectfully as it is never the less information that may help you recover your marriage.

Sharing how a revelation makes you feel is OK. Eg I feel hurt that you performed a sexual act with another man. But not YOu stinking B**** how could you do that. See the difference. And remember WS say a lot of things that are born out of a desire to try and rationalise to hemselves that what they are doing is OK. Deep down they know what they are doing is wrong, but by shifting the blame onto others they are trying to live with themselves.

Anyway, good luck
You seem to really love your wife here
C&S

You know, C&S, I think there's a lot of truth in that. Setting them free does tend to rattle them in a surprising way.

I agree with the principle, even though because of some of his other efforts, I now have doubts about Dobson's credibility.

GC

Geycloud, please explain about that. You have sparked my curiosity. I do know that his book helped me, even if he does lack credibility.

C&S,

Thank you for the kind post. I owe all of my efforts to Greycloud,LemonMan, Suzet, StandingTogether, Orchid and a few other's that took me under there wings even when they had there own problems to contend with. I found that once I told her to go to Om's house the other night, she either had a brief moment of clarity but she realized it really was her choice, and she chose to stay, yeah she gave me some of her famous verbal abuse, but I just smiled.

after reading LemonMans story, it has made me realize that we all have to find are own reasons for staying in the M.

I took a lot of time today and looked deep inside myself to make sure it was not some other reason for me wanting to be with my ww.

I found that looking back that I have alway's loved my wife, and I have not been a perfect husband, I fell into that rut where I took are M for granted. She is a beautiful woman who deserves to be happy and with all my heart if that happiness can be found with the Om then I wish them the best of luck. If she decides to continue with NC then I will talk with her later about the M.

Happiness has to come from within us. I still have little faith in God and I hope that with some serious soul searching I will find his Love once more.

I don't know if my ww will ever love me again, but I can hope can't I?