It's nice to know your W opened up to you like that. This is a start. Now that she's told you what happened, it seems that she's trying to be honest w/you. Don't trust her completely yet, though. Remember, there's still a lot of fog inside of her.

My goal with this company is to show her I can make it past eight months and then take small steps to make it longer.

This is good -- a goal which is very attainable. Is there anything you can do to make the work a little more challenging so you don't get bored?

Right now I feel like the only one putting an effort into the M is me...It's a hard thing to do on your own

Yes, it is hard. But it is achievable. I did it for 4 months while he was away & then 2 months when he returned home. It can be done, but you need patience & perseverance. Are you up for the challenge?

Her #2 need -- conversation. You two have already started. She wants you to talk to her, not at her it seems. You can do this by practicing your listening skills & really hearing her input. It seems that she wants to talk to you but feels ignored when she does. Remember to listen more than you speak!

Affection -- Since she enjoys SF w/you, even though this is a low need for her, it is a high need for you. Since she feels it is her "wifely duty" to do this for you, you can fulfill this need of hers by thinking of her first & giving her the affection she needs during SF. Also, a hand in the small of her back, a kiss before she leaves (even just a small peck on the cheek if she's nasty to you), any kind of touching, no matter how small, will be affectionate towards her & might help her open up to you more. She will feel you love her if she receives love by touch. Which reminds me, a great book to have is Five Love Languages. It will help you realize how she receives love. If you need to know more about that, we can discuss that later.

DS -- Seems like you're working towards that. You have been helping around the house, haven't you? With the kids, dishes, laundry & such? You can show her your appreciation for her efforts by helping her in these areas. Doing the banking for her while she was on her lunch was very touching. I'm sure she definitely took notice.

Admiration -- Keep this up. it's going to be ok and that I'm proud of her -- Wonderful! She smiled at you. She took notice. You admire her for her efforts on NC. This is a start.

It sounds like you're off to a great start. You have detached from her a little bit & found that you need to concentrate on yourself for a while. You are also, at the same time, putting a little here, a little there, of plan A & she IS taking notice. Whether she will verbalize this to you or not.

I wouldn't worry about the timeline she gave you. She still has this date stuck in her mind, however, during this time, you continue on your path & either 1) she'll see the efforts & not want to leave or 2) you'll be feeling so much better about yourself that it won't be as devastating if she does.

Happiness has to come from within us. I still have little faith in God and I hope that with some serious soul searching I will find his Love once more.

To help w/this, open up that Bible. Do that soul search. Pray for Him to help you get that faith back. Sometimes we get so downtrodden that we lose sight of His love for us. You can get this back, but you must be willing to work just as hard at it as you would your M. So many of us have told you that you need to work on yourself. This is one of those areas. Increase your R w/Him & you will feel happy, even if your M is not what you want it to be. You're right, happiness comes from w/in, so now's the time for you to work on this aspect of yourself. If not now, when? God is calling you, Michael. Please listen to Him. Go find Him again.

Love in Christ,
Y

I feel great tonight.

My ww came home in a good mood, and to let all of you know I do listen to your words of wisdom.

I cleaned the bathroom like I have been promising her, I did laundry for her today, and when she got home at 6:00 pm I had dinner all done and ready to be served, she was so happy. I told her it was a special day today and it was her day. It was funny, she asked why is it my day. I told her because she is so beautiful and works so hard during the week that she deserved a night off. After dinner I cleaned up the dishes and the kitchen made her a cup of coffee and Ran a nice hot bath for her. afterwards we sat down and watched a movie she recorded. it was called " The five people you meet in heaven" very good movie and then I gave her a message before she went to bed.

During the Movie I looked at her and she looked at me and asked what was wrong. I looked right into her eye's and told her I forgive her and that it meant a lot to me for her to hear those words from me. she told me she was sorry for hurting me

After she had her back message, I told her that I felt great telling her how I forgave her for the A and that her A helped me realize just how much I loved her. She broke down and cried, when I asked her why she was crying she said" Because of all the hurt I caused you" and that know matter what it was wrong of her to hurt me this way and that she was so sorry.

I told her that I forgave her and that it was ok, I told her just do the best she can with NC and everything will be ok. She told me that she plans on having NC because she can't stand the hurt it caused me.

So all in all, I had a great day.

See, she does care. Why else would she have said that about hurting you. Keep it up. You seem to be getting through to her.

C&S,

Actually, I'm starting to feel better about myself and it just happens to be rubbing off on her. I know she will have her day's where she will be attacking me again, but I plan on being in a better place on those day's and afterwards I will be right on here to vent it all out.

I just need to learn how to really listen to her and to really talk to her without sounding judgmnental or cruel. I also need to stop bad mouthing the Om...It's been a few days since I have done that but the thoughts still come I just bite back the words.

Michael, you're doing very well. But beware of hard times ahead. Don't be surprised when they come.

I worry that you might have forgiven her prematurely. Forgiveness is a tricky business.

C&S, I gave into temptation with that comment about Dobson. It's a sticky issue, because it has to do with the so-called "gay marriage" debate. In his zeal to stand against civil unions, Dobson has associated himself with some people I consider dishonest and unscrupulous.

But his book helped me too.

GC

Michael,

I just want to let you know I think you’re doing very well. I’m glad your W has started to open up towards you and has started to show feelings of care, guilt, remorse etc. towards you. Major progress IMO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But as graycloud has said – be aware of the hard times ahead and prepare yourself on this.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I just need to learn how to really listen to her and to really talk to her without sounding judgmnental or cruel. I also need to stop bad mouthing the Om...It's been a few days since I have done that but the thoughts still come I just bite back the words.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep up the good work and keep biting back those words! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think you’ve already started to master your listening and talking skills. Be patient with yourself and just try the best you can. Everything takes time and patience!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> I worry that you might have forgiven her prematurely. Forgiveness is a tricky business.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Michael, maybe it will benefit you from reading this thread on forgiveness. It will give you some insight into the process of forgiveness; the dangers of forgiving too quickly/early and how some of the other BS’s have experienced forgiveness during their own recovery.

Blessings and take care,
Suzet

Well I'm off today and plan on fnishing up the laundry and cooking dinner tonight as well. I also plan on giving my youngest his bath tonight so she can sit down and relax. Last night was a very good night and I plan on having more of them.

Well I'm off today and plan on fnishing up the laundry and cooking dinner tonight as well. I also plan on giving my youngest his bath tonight so she can sit down and relax. Last night was a very good night and I plan on having more of them.

Good to hear!

Vent time:

I'm so pissed, my wife came clean again last night about some detail.

Once a month where my works her boss has an employee night where all the girls get together and go out to dinner and maybe have a couple drinks, Well last month I was not happy or I should say nervous about my wife going out, She swore to me that she was going to be with the girls and I had nothing to worry about, We negotiated that she would be home by 10:00 pm. at 10:00 pm when she did not shpw up I called her and she asked if she could stay out longer because her and the girls were having fun, I of course reminded her of her agreement and she got mad and stayed out anyway and id not get home till after midnight. She was kind of drunk and I let it go.

I now find out that the OM met her at the rest/Bar that they were all at. She made it look like he was an old friend stopping in to have a drink with her. I am so mad. Of course when she told me all of this, I played it cool and told her thank you for her honesty and Blah, Blah, Blah...when all along I'm seeing Red because that night I was on my way to the rest she was at when I saw her drive by and I turned around. If I had just gotten there a little sooner I would have cought her with the Om, and that just really upsets me. I have this pit in my stomach that just won't go away today.

Well on the good side, she claims today is day 16 of nc....Unless I check with my buddy I won't know if she is telling the truth.

She also told me she is still planning on moving out in June. I tried to get her to commit to the Marriage and see past June but it's a date she has locked in her head.

She told me that nc with OM is hard but getting better, She intiated sex last night but I just could not get into it because of all the stuff in my head concerning her and OM, this is the second night in a row I could get my buddy awake but just did not have the heart to finish the race. I told her last night that it had nothing to do with her, she told me she wants to stay and help heal me? I took it as a " I'm here for the Marriage" but I guess I just read to much into it. I can only hope come June I have made myself so attractive to her that she just decided to stay and commit to recovery and saving the M. Any thoughts on this would be helpful

Well I'm sitting here waiting for the ww to get home for lunch and I'm still trying to fight down that sick feeling in my stomach../above post/...

I have a question.
During NC, Now 15 day's should I have a commitment from the ww on saving the M. Or do I leave her in the fog and keep doing my flimsy Plan A..

I have not LB'ed in a couple days and I have sat and listened to her while she opens up with the truth. I just feel like I should have some kind of commitment for the M while she is doing the NC otherwise it seems like i'm wasting my time if that makes sense.

Hmmmm

Not sure what to tell you Michael. I don't really get why she wants to repair her relationship with you but still says she plans on leaving you.

"I'm going to be your wife for the next seven months, but not after that."

This plan is mysterious.

If she isn't committing, you sure aren't going to get her to do it by nagging her about it.

Get her to fall in love with you, and those plans will fall apart. Surprise her. I don't mean with a trail of rose petals around the house. I mean with the new good habits you're learning and the old bad habits you're breaking.

GC

Does this mean your going to say no to sex with me also? Well if your going to be my wife for the next seven months then I better send you all the sexy clothes I liked my wife in... ROFLMAO...

Yeah your right. Phone call, be back to finish my thoughts on your post because I have some other questions.

Michael - Please don't set yourself up for disappointment. Many WS's stay rather foggy for awhile. Stick with Plan A and meeting her needs. Don't expect anything in return for awhile.

I'm really trying, She has been kind of pleasent these past couple of day's. It's just making sense of her honesty. It's like we all want the truth but then when we hear it, we don't like how it sounds, taste's or feels, And yet now that I have so much new info in my head and heart, what do I do with it?

Any ideas on how to flush the system after honesty is being presented?

Grrrrr

Physical exertion, number 1 stress reliever, at least go walk two miles, better yet, hit the gym and buff up the bod for FWW. Not only clears out your head, but also creates positive chemical in your body that give you a positive "high".

You're doing fine, Michael. Keep the LB's out of your actions, and just be there for her, regardless of her mood or words.

Gently encourage her to participate in funtions like you did when you were courting years ago, without R talks, but experiences pleasureable for both of you. Be oh-so cordial and upbeat when asking, and in doing whatever she agrees to. It gives you quality time together, and allows her to stay in touch with "why" you were friends in the first place.

Patience and Plan A. You are doing just fine. Keep up the good work!

SD

GC:

I have not heard from you in awhile. You have been so kind in helping me that I forgot that your on here for your own reasons as well. I do hope that things with you and your ww work out. You seem like such a nice person ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) I'm almost thankful you have chosen to be my wife for the next seven months...LOL... <------ Previous Post -------------


I was wondering if you had sent out that book yet for me, I also need your return address so I can send you back the one book you let me borrow..

Haw haw. I've been reading your posts Michael. I think you're doing okay. Just stay strong, and remember you can control only yourself. And if you handle trouble thoughtfully, and learn to redirect your anger so it doesn't cause you to make rash decisions, you will be better off no matter what happens to your marriage.

Yesterday I was mad as a hornet. But I've learned to remind myself, Okay GC, you are pitching a fit right now and should not make any big decisions or take any serious action until it's passed.

Sorry about not sending the book yet. I'm off my game a bit these last few days. It will go out before week's end.

I don't think I'm getting my WW back, but it's still pretty to think she could pull her head out of her butt, ask for my forgiveness, and try to make amends for what she's done. Sadly, I don't believe she has the character.

I wish I could forgive her. I want to. But I can't. She makes it impossible. I don't think you can forgive a person when they continue to willingly hurt you. If they ask your forgiveness with the intent to stop doing wrong, that's a different story. And later, when the pain is gone, even if they do not ask your forgiveness, maybe you can do it. But I'm not sure.

I may have said this before, Michael. I've heard the phrase "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." But I think there are circumstances where it's not an option.

There have been some long threads on forgiveness here. Shoot, there are entire books written about it. Some very old! Janis Spring (the author of After the Affair) has a new one that I'd like to read.

GC

Michael,

I'll chime in w/the others & tell you you're doing a good job. Keep those LB's at bay & keep plugging on w/your Plan A. It seems to be working. Appreciate her honesty. You will find, more than likely, that you will find out bits & pieces of the A as time goes on. The question is, as you pointed out earlier, you have to be willing to hear the things you don't want to hear. If you're not ready to hear them, don't ask. You'll end up either LB'ing or getting depressed.

I still wouldn't worry too much about the timeline she gave you. Seems most WS have this idea in their mind that, 'I'll give them so long to prove themselves, then I'm outta here!' I know when my H first returned, he told me that he was going to give the M another try for a year & if he still wasn't happy, he was leaving again. Welp, it's been close to a year since his return, after 1 yr since d-day & things are still plugging along. During this time, she'll be able to see that you are indeed changing for the better, & she'll more than likely convince herself that it's not a wise decision to leave. Who knows? She'll probaby come up w/one of her other excuses not to leave like she's done in the past.

You just keep worrying about changing you. That's the only thing you have ultimate control over, so use the time wisely.

Love in Christ,
Y

GC:

I feel your pain as well. I don't know where my forgivness came from but one night out of the blue I just felt this need to look at my ww and tell her that I forgave her for the pain and hurt she caused me.

The ww in return broke down in tears and told me how sorry she was for hurting me and for all the lies she has told,


I found that forgiveness not only heals the heart but may help bridge the gap the A caused.

My ww may still move out in June ( hopefully not ) but at least I can look at the very simple fact that I did forgive her and it was not fake. It made me cry because of how good it made me feel.

Even if she broke the nc, I would not take back that forgiveness only because once you give it, you can't take it back.

I wish I new your story GC, is it posted on here where I can read it.

I want to at least be there for you like you have been for me. it's the least a spouse can do..LOL

I'm on yahoo if you wanna chat..

mschluter2002 <------------ yahoo

wolf1968wolf <------------- Aim

Michael,

It appears you get mixed messages from your W. I understand this must be very confusing for you… The one minute she says she’s still planning on moving out in June, and the next moment she says she wants to stay and help you heal… Keep in mind these mixed messages is a result of the ‘fog’ and her foggy thinking pattern. It will get better. Don’t pay too much attention to her negative and discouraging statements. I have a feeling the moving out in June won’t happen anyway… The fact that she’s in NC with OM for 16 days now is also a very good sign. What purpose will it serve for her to move out? It don’t make any sense... Just continue with Plan A and meeting her needs as you currently do. And continue to avoid LB’ers! Also look after yourself. Make sure you get enough exercise, follow a balanced diet and get enough sleep and rest. These things are important to restore physical, mental and emotional energy. If you feel discouraged, pray to God for strength and read something encouraging/spiritual etc. These things will help you to keep your focus. As the other have said, keep up the good work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Suzet