Now, imagine your marriage today if OM's son had not died tragically and OM had not put the kabosh on the affair himself... imagine where you might be without that event. Can you see it?
Then what? What would your next move be if the affair had not been killed by a random tragedy?
Pep, an interesting question, and one that , natch', I have asked a lot.
I do not believe that the death of OMs estranged son affected him and the affair in quite the way you might think Pep ( although I KNOW you understand the complexities of this stuff better than MOST ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
Understand that OM has a string of children that he never saw once he left their mothers. After he divorced his second wife ( Dead son's mother) he deliberately gave up paid employment so he would not be liable for so much or ANY child support payments. He has remained deliberately unemployed save for 'cash in hand' sport payments and petty crime ever since.
His A with Squid was just business as usual for OM. His every other relationship had been strewn with infidelity and when one came along that offered a better deal than his present W or GF he went with them.
When his current GF came along 14 years ago she was far stronger and smarter than her predecessors had been it seems. She refused OMs proposals of M saying "M means nothing to you, lets see how you behave without the signed paper to hide behind".
She really does seem to have tamed him somewhat - 14 years together is a real record for OMs relationships by ten whole years ( he is 53). Now because for the first time OM was around for long enough to properly connect with a child, AND had a lot of time on his hands owing to his CSA-avoiding non-work status he and his youngest son became very close.
In January this year OM GF got offered a very senior job running a cancer centre. They discussed it and she took it. It took her away from home and OM for many stressful hours.
OM threw himself into his sport to fill the spare time he had. Squid has chosen to do the same ...what happened next is predctable and historical...
SO OM was testing Squid to see if she was a better bet than his GF. It was clear early on that she wasn't ( not employed y'see) but that didn't stop him plying for flattery and sex form her. And Squid delighted to give it for the same reasons I guess.
After I busted the affair, and had exposed to OM GF, OM decided it was all a bit risky so backed off while keeping Squid on a line just in case the fuss died down while he flattered hs GF with camp remorse. Remeber he had weathered a very many situation like this over the years. It was likely not as hard for him then as for many or most WS.
Then his son died. OM GF tells me that initilly he really wasn't that bothered, more concerned about the inconvenience of the timing !!! HE even asked OM GF to choose a card for him to send !
Later that day he answered the phone to his XW and they talked for the first time in many years and OM realised he knew NOTHING AT ALL about the son he lost. Was he a nice man? An angry Man? Good at sport? A poet ? Married ? Gay ?
NOTHING. nineteen years of the 21 his dead son spent on this planet were a blank to OM. This hit him like a battering ram. He knew nothing of the children he sired then estranged over the years and that his wayward behaviour was the cause.
OM GF says he retched and dry vomited and sobbed all that night afterwards not because he was bereaved but because he did NOT feel bereaved.
OM GF spoke to him calmly and said there was every chance that he would leave THEIR young son behind in the same way. History repeats iteself.
He was scared at that and seemingly the realisation of what he had become and what he was risking hit him. Thats when OM GF asked me for proof of PA.
That arrived just after OM GF found some novelty 'sex' dice in OMs black suit pocket that Squid had bought for him to use at their second and final "meeting"....and OMs self serving world of lies and bull came crashing down in his GFs betayed tears.
They went to the funeral and stayed for a few days where OM was a zombie. He met a son and a daughter he had not seen since he abandoned them. (his XWs kept their children in touch).
He got home a briefly considered suicide. At THAT low point Squid phoned him after three weeks NC to see 'where she stood'. She and I had recovered to apoint where were were civil and she was starting to feel specks of 'romantic love' for me ( she says ).
You can imagine the spite of his reponse. He asked OM GF to help him get counselling as he could feel himself breaking. He joined relationship counselling and also bereavement counselling. Still in both of those.
Soon afterwards his Mother was close to death from cancer. OM visited and she told him how disappointed she had been in his wayward treatment of people who loved him over the years and that she hoped he would change with her passing....
So you can see why OM is uber-dark, but why I must never let my guard down completely.
You can also see that OMs sons tragic death affected the sitiation is a bizarre and unexpected way.
Anyway....thats a story I needed to write for a while now.
If OM had not woken up to his moral decrepitude over his son's death, I would have destroyed him with all the authorities he is involved with, then last resort threatened him physically to stay dark.
Squid and OM had every chance to live with each other if they so chose, but neither did. OM didn;t want to work, and Squid was also out of paid employment as a SAHM. It would never work for OM if he needed to work.
I asked why squid didn;t leave she said " I could never convince myself I didn't love you enough to leave". Not sure I understand that but SURELY the life she would lose to live with that wastrel must have been a big part of her choice.
So I dunno pep.
And yes the patient negoiated approach was 110% coached by you, by K, bt Mel, by Ark and others. And its still working well for now.
And I am
very proud that I have given up nothing that I value yet have had to OPPORTUNITY to release stuff that were personality inhibitors without pride preventing me.
Conflict avoidance for example. I offer a POJA opportunity for everything now, rather than choking down issue still burst then back down in guilt afterwards. I/we are still learning POJA but its already a magnificent relationship tool, and not just for the big stuff.
Have I ever said thanks Pep ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Interestingly...My Plan A & exposure was the catalyst for OM to realise his personality problems and get help.
Those BS who use 'moral rectitude' as an excuse for not exposing take heed. Exposure has certainly helped OM and his GF restart their lives.
<small>[ December 03, 2004, 03:53 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
