I wanted to put this question out there because it is something that has affected me personally for quite a while. It has nothing to do with my own situation, but I was wondering if there is anyone else who had to deal with this?

My best friend of over 12 years betrayed her husband with several different men over quite a few years. The most recent affair led to divorce. I never knew about any of this. She was always kind of a "different" girl, but we got along pretty good. What I mean about different is that she would go away for periods of time to "find herself" and be alone. During many of those times, I was watching her child since her husband was often away on business. Well, the last A was eventually discovered and she asked her husband for a D. He did not want a divorce, but she was adament about it and they divorced about two years ago. She left her husband for a married man who had several children (he eventually divorced as well.). The relationship did not work out and ended several months after my friend had moved out, way before her divorce even became final.

We had a huge falling out over this when I found because I felt cheated and used and I could not believe what she was doing, especially after I had often confided into her about my own situation.

Ever since this happened, our friendship has changed and I'm not sure if it will ever be the same again. I grieved about this since at one time we were close and it is not easy. We rarely have contact anymore and it is strange for me to be in the same room with her.

I'm not really sure how to handle this situation correctly. We did have a good long talk at one time at a neutral place where she shared with me her feelings and I shared with her how used I felt and how foolished I felt because I always defended her, but somehow things never got back to where they were before.

I think in a way this is sad for both of us. I would really appreciate your thoughts about this.

Thank you!

Kati

Hi Kati - very simply, you felt cheated and used because she betrayed you.

Albeit on a lesser scale, this is no different than a marital betrayal - selfishness leading to lies and deception that hurts someone.

It is sad for both of you, but you have a solution that she doesn't - you don't need a friend like this, but she has to live with herself.

Dear Kati,

It seems to me you were more of a convenience than a friend. She used you, like she uses everyone else to feel better about herself. A serial cheater is far, far from reality and from doing the right thing. If one is so deep into this addictive game of new relationships while remaining married to an unsuspecting, trusting spouse, if one doesn't care about breaking up their own and someone else's M... That's not the sort of person I would like to associate with.

You might grieve the illusion of friendship that you lost. But I doubt it ever was a real friendship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brownhair:

You might grieve the illusion of friendship that you lost. But I doubt it ever was a real friendship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!

TMCM

Brownhair,

I have often thought about this. To say the truth, I have always sort of had an odd feeling about our friendship, but we were from the same country and I wanted to give it a chance.

After all this mess, I have sort of been relieved to not have any contact anymore, eventhough there had also been some good times during our "friendship". Her husband went thru so much hurt and pain, in fact the entire family went thru this pain and everyone else involved as well, including other friends.

Affairs not only affect the two people involved, but everyone else around as well.

I do not want to be considered a "fair-weather-friend", but I have a difficult time associating with a person that lacks morals that are so important to me.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brownhair:
<strong>
You might grieve the illusion of friendship that you lost. But I doubt it ever was a real friendship. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Unfortunately the OW in my Hs affair was my former "best friend" at least that is what I had thought.

I understand your feelings. It is difficult to understand that we have been deceived. I grieved for the loss of this friendship.

What the others have said is true. I guess she wasn't really my friend at all (although I had thought of her as such for over 30 years). I was used and exploited. You have been used too.

It is sad, but perhaps you need to accept that you have differing values and differing views on how one treats one's friends. Maybe this doesn't sit with the friendship surviving this. Anyway, good luck
C&S

CS,

I'm so sorry that your former best friend betrayed in this way. This is truly a very sad situation and I feel for you.

I generally consider myself a good judge of character, but sometimes we just don't really "know" a person, do we?

Kati

I used to think I was a good judge of character. Boy was I wrong. my experience over the last few years has really opened my eyes. I now believe that we never really know anyone and am now seldom shocked by anything I hear. Maybe this is a good thing. I don't know. I used to be so naive. But in some ways I liked that old naive me.

Iknow what you mean. I think that I'm still kind of naive, but I've become a lot more careful and I very rarely open up to people anymore. My therapist once said to me that she has never encountered a person with more emphathy like me and she thought it was a good thing, just misdirected. Sometimes I wish I would have less emphathy because I have a tendency to make other people's problems my own, but I've been working on this and I have made great progress. ;-)

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused&scared:
<strong> I used to think I was a good judge of character. Boy was I wrong. my experience over the last few years has really opened my eyes. I now believe that we never really know anyone and am now seldom shocked by anything I hear. Maybe this is a good thing. I don't know. I used to be so naive. But in some ways I liked that old naive me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Let me just hop in the thread to say

don't fret about appearing to be just a fair weather friend or even that her morals don't live up to yours.

She used you, deceived you about why you were watching her kids and simply didn't care that YOU were under a totally different impression about what you were doing for her.

Sorry you were utilized for her sneaky activities.

YOU were a good friend, she was not.