Hi everyone. Well, after reading all of the excellent responses (with great thanks to everyone) I think that I have figured out that my husband is going to play "hardball" on the NC issue and ultimately, I am going to have to stand up for myself. I'm not used to doing that.

I'm scared to do it.

However, I have everything in place for Plan B--all of my bills are paid, my mortgage organized so that I can pay it etc. (I haven't purchased any Christmas presents yet though! Yikes....)

I am fairly calm and rational so I am ready for him to refuse to leave the band where she plays once in a while. This is his favorite band, his favorite type of music. He will not leave it without a fight.

So...(taking a huge breath as I type this) how do I approach this so that I am not manipulated etc. somehow. I think that I should calmly state my reasons for wanting this NC (i.e. I am anxious when he is even around her and I can't seem to heal. That's the bottom line.

It has been a year and a bit and in some ways I am no further ahead than in October of 2003. I feel a bit more secure, I think that he has defogged to a certain extent and is remorseful for what he has done BUT he doesn't realize/recognize the jeopardy that contact might bring with it. He believes that he can just be an acquaintance.

I can't do that. I can't bear it.

It's going to be hard. But, as redhat said, what's stopping me from kicking him to the curb? I am pretty, educated, have a good personality, great job, can provide for my family and have some money left over and people tell me that I would be a terrific catch for a lucky and deserving guy.

I don't want to play second fiddle to a woman who is married to someone else. Even if she is no longer involved with my husband, him being around her causes me a lot of pain/obsessing etc.

I'm tired of that.

How do I present this NC boundary to my H yet again and MEAN it? He always talked me out of it before (with assurances etc.) but as I said, we haven't moved forward in our relationship to the degree that I think we could have if Contact was over.

Sorry for the long and rambling post. I feel scared but prepared for the worst. I know that I will feel awful if he chooses the band over me and I'm not sure that I could take that rejection (similar feelings to the post-A) again.

Thanks everyone.

Sandy

Try constructing a word picture for your H.

Did you read the "Dear Daddy" post?

Pep

I guess you have to decide what your bottom line is. My WH could never "get" the NC thing. I decided that I could not continue living like that. He is out of my life. Now they may have broken up, but I don't care anymore.

Your husband is comfortable with contact with his ex-lover, and knows that you are not. That should be the end of the band - part of the consequences of his crossing the line.

"Your husband is comfortable with contact with his ex-lover, and knows that you are not. That should be the end of the band - part of the consequences of his crossing the line."

Pep and believer,
You are right. He said that I am more important than any band. I will be calm and reiterate my position--rather than ranting and raving etc. my approach will be quiet and steady. I feel like all of the fight is out of me.

Part of me is really ready to hear the truth--I am tired of all of the thinking/planning/trying.

If he doesn't GET IT by now, then I am prepared to ask him to leave.

I have watched his actions and they tell me that his enjoyment overrides my peace of mind. I would NEVER do that to him.

I sense some very interesting days ahead.

Thanks everyone,
Sandy