Just over 12 months ago I was checking my husbands mobile for a phone number and found that he had 5 calls from a woman we know the previous night while he was working night shift. When he woke up from his sleep I confronted him about the phone calls. This woman is someone that we know through dog breeding and showing. We had been in contact with her for a couple of years (mostly my husband spoke to her) but the contact had become more frequent of late. He eventually admitted that while nothing but phone calls was happening at the time, when he went to see her on one of his work trips away, they had ended up in bed together. We live in Perth in Oz and she lives in Canberra in Oz. This first time happened in Sept of 2003.
Naturally I was devestated, though I did not leave him as I always thought I would if he cheated on me. Anyway, in Feb of 2004, he had to go away for work again. I was very wary of this but he promised me that nothing was going on and I could trust him. While he was away he phoned me one afternoon when he had finished work. When we finished talking I dont know why, but I did not hang up straight away. He had not hung up his mobile properly and I could hear him talking to someone in his hotel room. I knew straight away what was going on and rang the hotel room. After denying a couple of times that anyone was there I told him about his phone. He had no choice then but to admit that this woman was there.
I stayed with him despite what he had done to me, but wait, theres more!!!
After months of being in pain, not believing a word he said, and feeling like complete ****, just before he was due to leave work one morning in Aug 2004 he said to me that we had to talk.
After denying since February that anything had been going on I finally got the full story.
This seems a bit clinical but I will give to you in point form everything he told me that morning.
- the first time was an accident and he never meant it to happen.
- after the first time he did not talk to her on the phone for a few weeks but then she rang him and it started all over again.
- in Jan 04 he paid for her to fly over to him and she stayed in a motel near his work and they went to bed on that occasion. She was in town for 1 day.
- in Feb 2004 he spent the night with her in his hotel while he was away on business.
- in March 2004 she rang him and told him she was pregnant and was not keeping the baby, he sent her money for the abortion.
- over the space of a few months he sent her $3500 (to buy a dog trailer, to move house, abortion and in July $100 a week for about 4 weeks for rent)
- in July 2004 he again went away on business and according to him, let slip that he was going away and she wanted to see him, so he spent a few hours one morning with her in his hotel room, in bed for some of that time.
- in late July/early Augast of 2004 he decided that he wanted to end this affair so he rang her and told her. Apparently she took it quite well and said she wanted nothing more to do with him. Then on 20th August 2004, she tried to ring him repeatedly and when he checked his mobile he realised this and told me there was a problem at work and he had to go in. For the last few months I had been suspicious of everything and the way he was acting. this occasion was no exception but I decided to let it go. Then the next morning the **** hit the fan. She had rung him the night before threatening to tell me everything because he had dumped her. He had no choice, he had to tell me everything.
I do believe what he tells me know. It has been 4 months since I found out the whole truth. When I did find out it was almost a relief to realise that I was not going crazy and everything that I had suspected was true.
He says he never loved her and that he never thought of leaving me, but it hurts so much that he could do everything he did and lie to me so much for so long if he cared. We have been married for 20 years and I have only just discovered that my husband is not the person I thought he was.
I was going to leave him when I found all this out as I couldnt stand the thought of him even being near me, but after a couple of days, that feeling passed. We are more lovable with each other now and our sex life is better than it has been in ages. I truly love him and I believe that he loves me too, but how do I get over the pain he has caused me.
We talk all the time about everything. He says he is holding nothing back and that I know everything that has gone on. I think that sometimes too much knowledge is a bad thing, but I couldnt bear not knowing.
I cant seem to get the images of them together out of my head. I go through these phases. Some days are good, some are bad. Recently we became grandparents to a beautiful little boy, but even that joyous occasion was marred by what I have been through. this affects everything we have done or do.
I'm sure it will get better as time goes by, I'm just having a bad day today and need to get this off my chest to people who will understand.
I want my marriage to survive!!!

Hello rewill and welcome.
I feel for you. This is so hard. I suggest you read everything on this site. (not just the forums, the info in the concepts etc.. Get the books written by the Harley's. Counsling for both of you and marriage counseling will help.

How are you doing? If you are not eating or sleeping see you doctor. I nearly ended up in hospital early ion before I eventually gave in to taking a sleeping tablet and forced myself to eat.

Remember that you don't have to decide anything overnight. The signs are good for your marriage. You are still together, he ended the relationship. I suggest that you ask him to send a no contact letter. And get into counseling. Recovery is a hard process. You will run a full gammet of emotions.

I understand your feelings. It is hard to reconcile your Hs actions with the person you thought he was.

Anyway, I am sure that a lot of people will be here to support you. I happen to be a fello Aussie. There are a few of us here. Most however, are from USA. You can order the Harley's books online. I haven't seen them in bookstores here in Australia.

Good luck and hugs
C&S

hi confusedandscared,
thanks for your words of encouragement, they do help. I know that my marriage will work out but the feelings I go through are just sometimes so hard to cope with. I went through a period of not eating when I first found out, but after the shock wore off, my appetite came back. I could sleep, but sometimes I wished I couldnt because every morning when I woke up and remembered why I felt so bad, it was like finding out all over again. that feeling lasted for months.
we tried counselling when I found out the 2nd time, but I am a bit wary this time as h was still carrying on when we went to counselling last time. I need to feel comfortable that he is not lying to be able to do it again. for now, talking to you and others will be just what i need.
one of my problems is that besides one friend, who i see once a week, no-one knows the full story. most people we know dont know at all. i did not want to tell family as we planned to stay together and did not want them taking sides. we were told this was a good idea at counselling.
if you dont mind me asking, whats your story??? sometimes i feel like i am the only person that has ever had to go through this.
I have looked over this site extensively and plan to keep coming back. i would love to stay in contact.
reewil <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be to talk to people who have been through the same thing.

It is almost unbelieveable how they can lie and do such hurtful things during an affair. But they all do and say almost the same things.

We have several members here from Oz, so you will fit right in.

It is promising that your husband will talk to you about everything. That is a very good sign. Now you two need to figure out why he had the affair.

After 12 months he still cant work out why he did it. He says it was an ego thing but I cant accept that. How could he risk everything again and again for the sake of his ego???
Reewil

hi confused&scared,
feeling good today. having to go to work always helps to take my mind off my problems.
about the no contact letter. i dont know if it will make much difference. about 3 weeks after my h told me everything (i forgot to tell you that ow rang me that morning and filled me in, thank god h had told me first), ow tried to ring h. he told her he wanted no contact. she even went as far as to tell him that if he talked to her she would not tell me. he told her he was not interested and he has not heard from her since. many times i have felt like ringing her and asking her for her side of the story, but i know she'll probably tell me lies just to cause trouble. i'm happy to leave it the way it is at the moment.
love and hugs
reewil... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I guess thats fair enough. In fact that is similar to how it went down here. The letter was never sent, but he phoned her with me on the line and told her similar. This was all before I ever found MB site. And as contact was no longer a problem when I came here, the letter was never sent. I guess if contact were to start up agin in your case, then maybe then the letter might be in order.

How are you doing? It will take time to work out why. He probably doesn't even know himself. Are you two able to talk to each other about your relationship? I know what you said about counseling. We had a similar experience when we had some counseling when the marriage was in crisis long before I found out about the affair and it was useless. He just lied through his teeth. But it sure was helpful when the truth was there. It saved this marriage. Both of us needed to face ourselves and we sure had a lot to learn about how to communicate with each other. We were very slow learners there.

How are you holding up? Glad to hear that work is good therapy for you. I love my job. I am a neonatal intensive care nurse and I absolutely enjoy it.

You seem to be gaining some trust. He must be doing something right. I know what you mean about waking up and then remembering. I felt the same wasy. I would be OK and then I would suddenly think OH no it really happened and I would crash down again. I guess it was just the shock of it and me trying not to accept it. Do you know anything about the stages of grief?? If not a good book is Good grieving. I'm soory I don't remember who the author is. My counselor gave it to me to read very early. It helped me understand things I felt as time went on. Some of your feelings you are describing are classic.

Have you read any books? There are some good ones that really helped us. Let me know if you want some suggestions.

Anyway take care.
And how is it over there. We have lived in Perth. It is a beautiful city and one of the happiest periods of my life.
C&S

dear cofused&scared,
it is lovely over here. which suburb did you live in? we are in rossmoyne.
i have not really read much except for this sight.
sometimes i feel like i can trust him but then the other part of me tells me not to.
the worst thing i am having to deal with is the fact that he still needs to go away for work. everytime i trusted him to go without me, he cheated. he has been away once since last d day and i went with him, it was his idea as well. i know that there is going to be a time in the future that i will not be able to go away with him, but i try not to think about it. i dont think i could handle it. i would worry the whole time.
what do you think? should i just take the chance???
reewil... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

as xmas draws near i cant help but think about what was going on last xmas. is every occasion going to be marred by this or will it get better. it doesnt feel like it ever will.
reewil

rewill,

It does get better in time. I know. Big deal. Today it hurts like h*ll.

I've been dealing with this question for years now and I can honestly say that it does get better with time and the right combination of circumstances (a FWS who works hard to make all things right again).

But the stain will always be there. It's the stain that has gotten me down so much. I've begun to think about it differently, though. Not so much as a stain that has to be removed from the fabric of my life, never to be seen again. But a stain that reminds me how fragile marriage can be. I look at the stain now and, more and more, feel it is just part of the journey of my life. Like a person who has fought cancer and won, the stain of those memories is absorbed into everything good that comes after. You never look at life quite the same way again, but that doesn't make it bad. It just makes it different.

The stain no longer dominates my life, but plays in the background on a regular basis. Perhaps one day it will be gone and washed white as the snow, but even if that day never comes, I can now say that it is was one part of my life. Period.

((((hugs))))

~ Snow

REEwill _ I just fopund out a month ago that my H was having an EA with a coworker - we have been together 21 yrs. I found his e-mail account that was a secret. I printed off his e-mails to angeldarling. It just about killed me. My H and I had the relationship that was always so open and honest until almost 2yrs ago. He became verbally abusive- I blamed myself - started taking better care of me -and learned not to talk to him it just started fights.He told me 2003 on Mothers Day that he was not in love with me anymore. The pain will always be there on my day.That was the day I died inside.After I found out about the EA -she broke it off. I e-mailed her and asked what was going on. That was before I found this site. I am still in a fog but starting to see things. Do I trust him NO. Do I believe him NO. Do I still love him YEs, am I in love with him ????. Do I still want to stay with him I think so. It is to soon for me - Its just so many lies to dig through. He is tired of my asking questions, I am going to counseling for me -he knows but has not said he will go. Even though I have asked. I feel he needs it. I realize he is not the man I thought I married and look at him sometimes now and want to scream at him JUST WHO THE H*ll ARE YOU? Fo away and bring my H back to me. We had everything. I was always there for him, always was willing to talk, always told him I loved him, thought he was sooo good looking, did not look his age. For what? What did all of that get me.He had an A -he left me in a corner for almost 2 years. I am bitter aand just so sad.

First of all, slipping on ice is an accident. Taking off one’s clothing and slipping into bed with someone else is not an accident. It is a choice.

Second, don’t call her to get her side of the story. She is not likely to tell you the truth, and any lies she tells could actually hinder your healing. Who cares what she has to say? (If you believe your husband is telling you everything, she can’t add anything of value anyway. If you think he’s holding back information, you’re still not likely to get that information from her with any element of truth.)

You’re struggling with adultery in a 20-year marriage; so am I. My heart goes out to you.

Take care of yourself. Be your own best friend.

Best wishes,
PM

Papermom,
You're right, it was a choice. One I will have to learn to accept. I know also that contacting her will do me no good. Sometimes I just want to rub in her face that I've got my husband, not her. I want to make her hurt the way I am hurting.
I've sort of come to the conclusion from what I have been told, that my h was just a meal ticket for her that she went and fell in love with. I guess she must be hurting now, haha. Does it make me a bad person to laugh at her pain, I hope not because I don't want to stop. As far as I am concerned she deserves misery for the rest of her life for trying to steal my husband.
I know it was his fault too. After all she was the single one. But I can't think of him completely at fault if I am going to stay with him. I have to try to forgive him. I will never, ever forgive her, she's a *****!!!
There, that feels better.
Reewil <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Happy New Year to everyone. I hope this year really will be a good one. We definitely all deserve it. Soldier on!!!
Love & hugs,
reewil <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

my h started an affair with a coworker but claims they are just friends how i founded out was by going over the cell phone bill and saw this number during breaks,lunch and text messages because she works in another building she would come and have lunch and all then one day he received a call from a hotel and then a text msg to see where he was and i had taken his phone by mistake he still went to location claims nothing happen they just played chess and drink wine this was last year at this time he claims they broke it off but saw the number yesterday and a new cell phone bills because we have changed carriers when confronted he claims someone else gave her the number i am pissed at him and he keeps lying about nothing has happen sexually they are just good friends

Joyce,
this is your first post on this forum. You must start a new topi for yourself or it is unlikely you will get any answers. Choose new topic and give it a name and re post your story and any questions you have. Meanwhile try to read all the material that there is on this website, on the marriagebuilders.com page.
Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here, but there is a lot of support for you!

If you truly believe that something is going on, for goodness, keep at it until he admits it.
I believe that if he feels in the slightest bit guilty he will give in and tell you the truth. I dont know if this is the right thing to do, but its what I did and I got the truth. I never truly believed the affair was over in the beginning. I had that womans instinct that something was not right, and I was right. Now I truly believe that it is over, though that does not automatically make everything right. I dont know if I will ever really trust him again. I still have sane moments (and I say sane because I am not upset or angry when I think this), when I think I should have just walked out when I found out the whole truth and I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. This ugliness just keeps on rearing its head at me.
reewil <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

hi again,
my husband rang me at work the other day and told me he had to go away to where his affair happened, for work. he wants me to go with him. of course i still cant trust him so i have to go, even though this involved me asking my assistant manager to change her leave, so i could have leave when she was supposed to. i only did this because i knew she was just taking the leave for a break. she was fine with it. i confided in her why i needed the leave and she is very sympathetic, thinks i am a strong person for sticking by my man.
does my wh not realise how much what he has done is affecting not only us but everyone around us? what if my workmate could not change her leave? what would have happened then? my wh says he is just trying to do whatever it takes to make it up to me and prove to me that the affair is definately over
for 5 seconds i thought about just telling him to go away without me, but even though i truly believe the affair is over, i just cant bring myself to let him "return to the scene of the crime" by himself. i would go crazy while he was away, wondering if anything was going on. i know in my heart that if he did stray again then i would have to accept that it was never going to change, and i would have to realise that i would lose him forever. maybe that is what i am scared of. even though i say that i will not tolerate him cheating again, i am so scared of losing him that i dont want to give him even the slightest chance to do it. then again, i suppose if he really wanted this woman, he would find some way to do it.
has anyone else had to deal with this? what happened and how did you deal with it???
reewil
desperately seeking answers!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />