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Last contact with exH: February 2004 - letter telling him I was divorcing him; last meeting. End of contact for 6 months. July 2004 - emails and 1 phonecall because my exH was telling me his grandfather had a stroke. After the details about his ill grandfather, during that phonecall the pig asked me what I was wearing and what it would take to get me to go to his house (to sleep with him). No contact for months again. November 2004 - I email him saying I want my childhood Xmas ornaments back. He refuses to hand them on to me through mutual friends. I go to his house to pick them up; made a friend drive me, and only stayed 10 minutes. He told me he'd always love me, apologized for saying I was a bad wife, that I was a good wife, and also apologized for treating my mother poorly. He had nothing mean or hurtful to say, and made no sexual advances. Bizarre. Asked me for a hug when I was leaving. I was stupid and gave him one, smelled his cologne, kissed him on the cheek. Was in tears when I got home. I felt so lonely for the old him, the one that once loved me and treated me well. But my head reigned, I knew better than to weave any dreams of reconciliation. I know he still has the same stupid girlfriend, the one that interfered in our marriage before we separated. This week, the alien has tried to contact me again, phone messages (I won't answer if he calls), an e-mail.....asking me to pray for a neighbour who has cancer and has 3 kids....said he doesn't want her children to go through what he went through (the loss of a parent).....phoned again left another message asking me out to dinner.....simple contact causes me tears, tears and more tears. My head knows not to even begin to think that my exH could ever treat me well again, but hearing his gentle voice makes me lonely. I wish a man I felt emotionally safe with would come along and love me. A friend of mine had a baby a couple weeks ago and I got to hold the little guy today....oh how I still long to be married to a man that I love and that truly loves me back, and to have a family with him..... I sent him this e-mail in response to his messages today.....please tell me I was being smart. I figure if he's really "into me", he will write me a letter, plead his case someday. Otherwise, he was probably just hoping for another "bootie call" is my guess. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hello ****, I will indeed (and already have been) praying for *** and her family. There never seems to be any rhyme or reason to who gets cancer. I am curious.....is she being treated with chemo or radiation? Surgery? What's the prognosis? (They say make prayer specific to make it effective.....) As for dinner, I don't feel comfortable talking to you on the phone for fear of being hurt again, so I am not exactly comfortable with dinner either. Besides, ******* is clearly still in your life - don't try to lie to me and tell me otherwise. As I said when I was at your place a couple weeks ago, if you feel that you'd like to "try" again, I would need a letter of some sort from you explaining why, and how, and what would be different. I would also need to be assured that you were no longer talking to ******* AT ALL, and that she was COMPLETELY out of your life - something I sincerely doubt you are willing to do. My head tells me not even to send you this e-mail, because I'd just be opening up a can of worms that could cause me more pain. Keep that in mind. My biggest reason for cutting off all contact with you **** is to avoid emotional pain. However, I have this "disease-to-please" that causes me to want to treat you with kindness and respect regardless of the messy emotional trail behind us. Take care and I hope you are feeling better soon, Jen </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel so lonely tonight. I wonder if I will ever find someone to love and be loved by again. It's just one of those nights where I don't really feel like I could talk to even my close friends about how this is upsetting me. They just tell me to forget about him and not talk to him, and that it's for the best, that I will find someone someday. I guess I am looking to you guys (my familiar old MB friends who know my epic tale) for a little empathy, and also a little "you did the right thing Jen", if you feel that way. I hope my rambling post hasn't confused you. Jen Brown <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
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Oh, forgot to mention, he has NOT replied to my e-mail.
Jen
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Hi Jen, Lots of {{{{hugz}}}} being sent your way. Can't believe, well yea I can believe, he is still trying to hold on of sorts but in a less sleezy way. He is a stubborn one, isn't he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Jen, you know how we also hurt to see you in pain or suffering in any way. For me, you are like a younger sister in a far away land. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Do wish you the best in keeping your recovery positive. There is the right person out there for you. I just know it. Keep safe and warm for yourself and the right person. You are a beautiful and valuable woman who deserves to be treated with respect, love and dignity. Aloha, L. ps: I don't see him right by your side as is right now...... but I am sure you already know that.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>I feel so lonely tonight. I wonder if I will ever find someone to love and be loved by again. It's just one of those nights where I don't really feel like I could talk to even my close friends about how this is upsetting me. They just tell me to forget about him and not talk to him, and that it's for the best, that I will find someone someday.
I guess I am looking to you guys (my familiar old MB friends who know my epic tale) for a little empathy, and also a little "you did the right thing Jen", if you feel that way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand why you did it but you are not ready to deal with him and he needs to help himself too. You have learned your mistake and you should not serve a life sentence. Don't let him rob your happines , ok'. Yes, there would be a lucky guy that would love you and give you 100%.
Hang in there.
-rh-
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Jen,
Don't know you that well...but have gleaned a little info over the time I've been here. We are in the same town so I feel some solidarity with you....nice weather so far eh?
Seems fairly straightforward...if the pain he gives you exceeds your desire to reconcilie...leave this portion of our life behind. It's notlike children factor into this.
If reconciliation is the "goal" give yourself a timeline in whch you will consider a sincere effort on his part backed up by sincere actions.
To waffle back and forth sems to be an exceptionally painful endeavor that can go on in perpetuity. Your emotional investment appears to be at his mercy. Figure out what you want and then give it a structure (boundaries) and a timeline.
I've seen your photo...you are attractive and this is a big town...if you end up alone that will be a choice rather than a situation.
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Just got ANOTHER message....that turkey is phoning me at 11:30 at night again. So disrepsectful. Such a familiar pattern too....
In the message, he sort of replied to my e-mail. Went on about some rediculous "you won some dinner theatre tickets" (don't have a clue what that's about), said he was sorry he hurt me, explained again about the neighbour's cancer (but didn't answer my questions, just repeated his original description), confessed that he was drunk when he phoned (had been drinking last night with neighbours and their relatives), said he "just" wanted to go for dinner, but no big deal, and also said he missed my "disease to please" (I feel like he gave it a sexual connotation). Oh yeah, not one mention of his girlfriend, go figure.
The vengeful b**** in me wants to email his girlfriend and point out that
a) 2 weeks ago when I was over there he said she wasn't really his girlfriend, even though he admitted to still spending time with her
b) he is calling me and asking me out, when she probably thinks he is committed to her
BUT I know better than to open that can of worms.
I so wish I'd never been so stupid as to call him back in July and forgot to choose call block first. But, if I don't respond to him, hopefully he'll get the message and stop calling.
So my gut was/is right, I'm just a thought that comes up when he is drunk, NOT anything more than that, certainly not a woman he cares to respect for.
Thanks Orchid and Redhat for your encouragement. It's so good to hear from you guys!!!
Jen
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Jen,
You not only did the "right thing" but you did the ONLY thing possible,,having given all your efforts to rebuild.
Jen, there IS someone out there for you. Someone just waiting to give you the love, the respect, and the security of that love you deserve.
Don't settle for less.
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Hello Binder,
Yup, nice weather so far....I'm afraid of the cold that's on the way. Can't wait for some snow though!
Really, reconciliation is not my goal. Not unless he were able to meet the conditions I've outlined (write me a letter explaining why I should try with him again, AND ditch his girlfriend). Even then, I am downright AFRAID of him being hurtful and disrespectful toward me again. In short, I don't want to be with him. I had enough of limbo and his waffling back and forth (2 years of separation!). I doubt he would ever treat me with genuine love and respect.
Jen
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Hi Jen, Look at the bright side. You get lots of time off at Christmas, and I have to work almost the whole thing. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Shoot, I know nothing looks bright right now, but give me credit for trying. I wish I had some words that would help, but I don't really. We do care, and wish we could help more. It has got to be hard, I can hear it in your voice as you tell about your feelings. You going to be able to sleep tonight? You are up pretty late for someone in Alberta. (Im in the same time zone, but lots further south.) SS
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Hi SS,
Yeah, I will probably be able to sleep tonight. I was a goof and took a nap when I got home from work, so I'll be up for a bit.
Xmas vacation is a VERY bright side to things, I am totally looking forward to it. I even convinced my brother and his wife to come for a visit here over the holidays. Then I'll be off skiing with friends. Life is good. My exH is just a nuisance really. One I shouldn't let get under my skin!
Thanks for trying to cheer me up!
You get some sleep too!!!
Jen
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Jen, I didn't know you are in the same town as Binder. No more hockey joke for now, the shark ... LOL!. Have you try Yahoo Personal or match <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ?. If you put your pic & info up ... you might have to add disk space for your email account <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . -rh-
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel so lonely tonight. I wonder if I will ever find someone to love and be loved by again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Jen,
Have you considered changing your telephone # and e-mail address so that your XH can't communicate with you? Continued contact only retards your recovery and keeps you from moving on with your life.
TMCM
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ms. jen..so good to hear from you.. keep thinking about sending out a big december HELLO to those lurking or missing... you, and terrified.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ..I think of ferbie as well and wonder how she is.... so Jen he pops his head out of the sand...except that it's the same old head... and you handled it really well... the urge to go back to the familiar even when painful is strong...and you have grown sooo much... but you know me...Jen..I always cling to the thought that some day he will pop his head out...and will be changed... pray for him as I will as well... but you sound great..... It's not about finding someone else.. it's not about who's out there... it is and always has been about feeling right in your own skin... and peace will come with that... and so will everything else.... glad to see ya.. you should know I adore some of your past posts.. you challenged back here as much as you were challenged..and many many people gained insight ... keep posting if you have time.. you bring many gifts to the table... ARK
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Jen sweetie!
He's not a "bad man" ... he's the "wrong man" FOR YOU.
He's attracted to the old you, you know, the girl he could manipulate. The scared little girl Jen was is being fazed out and replaced by the strong secure womanly-Jen ... the NEW YOU !
And you two are no longer a "match" ... coz XH has not changed his ways ....
YOU have changed, and you are still changing .... Some day XH might say to you;
"I don't know who you are anymore. You've changed."
Say; "Thank you. I've been working very hard to become this strong."
Jen ... he's your past ... and he's not a bad person ... so there is your struggle ... the goodness inside of you doesn't want to reject him unless he's "bad" ... but he's not "bad" , just no longer a good fit .... You've become a different woman who requires a much more maturely developed man as a companion.
Start loving your new self Jen.
You're awesome.
Pep
<small>[ December 04, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Jen:
Hi!
Some people can change, some maybe can't. I don't know whether your xH can or can't (though his track record thus far is not good), but I do agree with Pep, in that it's not YOUR issue anymore.
You still may need 2 learn more, the difference between lonliness and soli2de. Particularly over the holidays. Do what some here have done - contribute your time 2 charitable events or something 2 make you feel good about YOU as a person, not as a potential mate. That's for later, after some more healing.
best,
-ol' 2long
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ummm Ms. Brown... I let you get away with calling us OLD this one time... but if you don't come back and post.. you're gonna be in trouble.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Wat tried to call me old ONCE...and lets just say..he hasn't caught any BIG fish since..!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ARK^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Jen, Jen, Jen.
Just catching up to this and wish I (we) could have been perched on your shoulder earlier.
I really recommend you have no further contact with him. Period.
Sure, you feel lonely sometimes. But you're young, intelligent, and will be clearly desireable to some lucky guy in the future. Believe it.
WAT
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