I love my husband dearly and have had an affair a year ago my husband found out and we worked through things. The person I had the affair with however will not leave me alone and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life, he says he cannot move on without me. I do not want a relationship with this person as I want to save my marraige and be happy with my husband. A couple of weeks ago my husband found out that I am still in contact with this man. I feel bad for hurting him and putting him through this again. Please give me advise on what to do about the persistance of this person. I told him a couple of weeks ago never to call me again and to move on with his life, it stopped for a couple of days but then he started calling again. He threatend to call my H and I am afraid of this happening. Any comments will be appreciated. I am at the point of despiration. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: claudine ]</small>

See if you can file an RO. Notate date and times of his calls and a brief recap so police can see a pattern.

Notify your H that the OM may call.

Get with a good MC or call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling.

Read His Needs/Her Needs.....you and your H both need help to make it through this mess. Unfortunately it isn't over yet.

L.

No Contact should be adhered to no matter what.
You haven't really committed to your M or your H.
The OM should be the very last thing on your mind, and if you had done everything within your power to make sure there was NC...you wouldn't be here now.

Please...for you...for your H...for your own piece of mind... delete email addresses, phone numbers, text messages, changed cell numbers, home numbers, pager numbers...WHATEVER the case may be...so you don't keep torturing yourself this way.

Contact can only be maintained by 2 people. Remove one of the people...that's your only answer.

The person I had the affair with however will not leave me alone and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life, he says he cannot move on without me.

Then he's clearly an idiot and needs to be given the *boot in the butt* that is not very "nice" but is very, very clear ---> "get lost!"

A couple of weeks ago my husband found out that I am still in contact with this man.

You should have told your husband every time the OM contacted you .... Why didn't you?

Please give me advise on what to do about the persistance of this person.

Have your *husband* call OM (or OM's wife if he is married) .... Have your husband say ..."Leave us alone or we are calling the police."

I told him a couple of weeks ago never to call me again and to move on with his life, it stopped for a couple of days but then he started calling again.

Change you phone number. You are clearly too nice to OM and he doesn't believe you mean business ... lean on your husband's strength. Doing that will make your husband feel valued and admired by you. (will fill one of his ENs ---> admiration)

He threatend to call my H and I am afraid of this happening. Any comments will be appreciated. I am at the point of despiration.

Beat him to it... have your husband call OM and read him the riot act. You are too weak if you allow this to continue.

Pep

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 08:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thank you all for your response.

I am actually going to report this to the police I am afraid however that this could cause more trouble. I am always worried about the Consequences. I have been too afraid to do anything, and just tolerated his actions what can I do about stopping him talking to my H because I feel this will just complicate things more. I thank God for the husband I have because he has been so good with me despite of being hurt twice I do not want to make this any harder on him. I know I am sounding very pathetic but I am just very desprite to move on with my life.

Honey ... if you have fleas... take a flea bath.... You don't ask the fleas nicely if they will please stop bothering you.

Pep

Thank u Pep I really appreciate your advise I am going to the police now to lodge a complaint. I just cannot live two lives anymore it’s going to drive me insane. I want to be honest with my husband and restore the relationship we had when we first got married. Thank you for your support, I knew this is what I had to do all along this has just encouraged me, I’ve always considered everybody else and it has not helped me thus far.

Thank you again.

AS an LEO I can tell you that you need to have dates, times. You will be advised to change your nember and file a RO.

As a FWS my advice would be to tell your husband every time OM has called. not just in the future, but be honest with him about the past calls also.

Claudine...

I'm suspicious whenever I see a wayward spouse, even one attempting to repair her marriage, refer to her affair partner as her "LOVER".

He is not your lover. No matter what his personality is, he is a shark who circled around the perimeter of your marriage and invaded a place where he had no business.

Such a person is no "lover" of anything but his own desires and impulses.

GC

Been to the court and they can only see me Tuesday next week it seems like a lifetime till then – please pray for me in this difficult time.

Here are my feelings about how to handle this situation:

1) Hang up on him every time that he calls. Change your telephone number and request the new number to be unlisted. Change all of your cell phone numbers as needed. This also applies to email addresses and chat room names. By the way, chat rooms are not a good place for those in the recovery process in my opinion.

2) If he calls you at locations other than your home, such as repeated calls to your place of employment, inform him that you are documenting his calls and seeking a restraining order.

3) Finally, if you get really fed up, tell him to get a life and have an affair with his hand because he is no longer a concern to you.

I am so glad I have found this site and people who understand what I am experiencing. I am not as strong as I should be in this situation, but I have realised that it is entirely up to me to make the changes. I have a wonderful husband and don’t want to risk losing him.

Um, the important thing missing in your plan of action is telling your H whenever he calls you.

Ask your H for help. It will help him heal at the same time!

Edited to add, I agree with GC re ”lover”. How about you change the title of your thread to Persistent OM, or maybe Stupid Dirt Bag.

T

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

I agree that you should tell your husband every time the OM tries to contact you in any way. This will build his ability to trust you even more. I also agree that you should have your H contact the OM. This will not only give the OM new reasons NOT to contact you, but will also make your H know that you need him and admire him by looking to him for his strength. Use this situation to get rid of the OM once and for all and to further strengthen your relationship with your H.

Great idea pursuing the RO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
I'm suspicious whenever I see a wayward spouse, even one attempting to repair her marriage, refer to her affair partner as her "LOVER".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am suspicious as well ....

No "lover" asks you to break your vows and tarnish your integrity for sex ---> adulterous affair co-cheater is more on the money.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with GC re ”lover”. How about you change the title of your thread to Persistent OM, or maybe Stupid Dirt Bag. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">re "lover"...how about not even a friend!

Talk this over with your H and BOTH of you decide what to do.

Write out AND send a NC letter with your H's help...of course make a copy.

If contact continues, keep track of dates and times, and tell your H each and every contact.

Take all this to get an RO.

Please I am very new to this forum and I am just in desperation for some advise and support my use of words may not have been appropriate, sorry. It’s the weekend and the police can only see me on Tuesday in relation to the RO yet another sleepless weekend ahead, I am so afraid of him coming to my house and upsetting the progress my husband and I have made thus far. Does anyone have any suggestions.

If you can afford it, maybe take a weekend trip some place fun?

The RO is a good idea but it has to wait until Tuesday. You asked if anyone has any suggestions. You've gotten LOTS of other suggestions:

1. Sit down with your H *this weekend* and write a NC letter. Let your H put it in the mail. Send a copy to OMs wife if he's married (use a different type envelope and no return address).

2. Give your cellphone to your H and you take his, or at least change your number.

3. Change your home phone number.

4. Block his email address, chat ids etc. Show your H that you are doing this.

5. Put spyware on your computer and show your H that it is set up to mail reports to him. This will ease his fears about emails, chat rooms, etc.

6. Have a heart-to-heart with your H; tell him of past contact attempts OM has made and how you've dealt with them. Together with your H, make a plan of how you will deal with future contact attempts.

Your heart is in the right place but your posts make it sound like you are trying to do all this by yourself. If you involve your H in every way possible, he becomes your ally, your team mate. He doesn't have to sit there wondering if you're truly sincere, because he's helped make the decisions and he's participated in the actions.