well, this is it for my marriage...i won't be abused and made out to be less than a person for the sin i committed, i've made my peace with God and know he forgives me..things in my M have now regressed to worse than they were before i had the A...I own every action i took that led up to the A, but despite what some think, i do not deserve to live this life..i'd rather be alone..

anyway, life goes on...yippee

<small>[ December 15, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

Sorry to hear that.

I think it is especially sad to see someone who has taken responsibility, and still is suffering.

I'm the BS, but if I were in your shoes, I think I would let my spouse know that this cannot be held over your head forever.

believer...he won't even try to address anything about this unless he's drinking...and then i'm sure you can guess how things end up..he's a conflict avoider to the hilt...
it's not even like i got 'caught' in the A and was forced to choose..i chose him on my own...the om is a non-entity in my life and all i want to do is move on and be happy...i can't even get him to decide if he wants to work this out or walk...he just avoids it until he explodes...i'm at a loss as to what to do from here..completely lost...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dreamcatcher:
<strong> well, this is it for my marriage...i won't be abused and made out to be less than a person for the sin i committed, i've made my peace with God and know he forgives me..things in my M have now regressed to worse than they were before i had the A...I own every action i took that led up to the A, but despite what some think, i do not deserve to live this life..i'd rather be alone..

anyway, life goes on...yippee </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I concur 100% here. There is no reason for you to have to die a thousand deaths here.

Was he drinking before you had the affair?

DreamCatcher, {{hug}}. My heart ached and my eyes welled up a little when I read this. You have been a source of insight and comfort for me in my early days on this board. I wish for you to have the very best Christmas you can under the circumstances.

I guess it is just so painful to imagine a recovery that was not completed. It might be better to never have had one... I don't know.

LM...ty, but knowing that doesn't make this any easier..i would much rather have my marriage, but i know i created this...

believer..oh yeah he drank..he's always drank a lot, not justifying what i did, not at all...but it was real bad in the year leading up to the A and probably 2 years into it...real bad....that's probably why he didn't notice what i was doing...i just don't know what to do, there was a point that he knew i was at the end of my rope and he said he needed help to quit drinking..this was after the A, but before my confession...now he just blames me for his alcoholism...i can't force him to get help, and now i've just given him an excuse...i just know that i love the 'him' that is sober, but i can't live with the 'him' that feels the need to punish constantly...

TJ..thank you for that post...i was actually thinking about you today and was going to post to see how you were doing...i wish the same wonderful Christmas for you and your kids...you deserve a blessed one...

I would write him a little note and let him know that you are sorry, but for the marriage to continue, he needs to seek treatment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dreamcatcher:
<strong> LM...ty, but knowing that doesn't make this any easier..i would much rather have my marriage, but i know i created this...

Ofcourse you would rather have your marriage than this...WE ALL WOULD. There comes a time though that you have to live in the "here and now" and not the "What if". Now, irregardless if you had the affair, it is IN THE PAST. Your husband may not be able to get over this (for totally unrelated reasons...READ: ALCOLHOL) but you have done your pennance (it may have cost you the marriage) BUT you deserve better and a new chance at life. I am sorry for your pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

i've written my H a note telling him (not in great detail) what was going on with me when the A happened..bad, bad, bad...he 'literally' threw it in my face and told me he didn't need to hear about what a slut i am...from there he proceeded to raise his hand to me until i stared him down and let him know that i knew i was no match for him physically but if he touched me in anger it would be the last time he touched me at all...that was pretty much the last time i saw him or heard from him...

((dreamcatcher))

I can understand to your pain.

My H also initially reacted to my confession by what felt like punishment. For months. I also got to the end of my rope, and I think that is what it took before he woke up a bit and began to also think about his own actions, not just what a terrible person I was and how much I deserved whatever I got.
Luckily we are past that now (i think) and things are much better.

Do you think you could do a kind of plan B? I mean cut off contact, but clearly spell out that you are working on yourself, have made changes, and if he is willing to make changes, cut drinking, go to MC, you will consider trying again. In the meantime going dark??

Hope you're looking after yourself.

DC, i'm so very sorry. you have mail.

DC, how are you this morning?

there is something else I thought of that I wanted to share on the boards instead of email, maybe it can help others who are having to deal with a similar situation as yours.

my definition of your situation at this point is having a S who is not currently able to deal with what has happened in a constructive manner.

YOU choose to have the A. regardless of how bad your marriage was or was not, that choice was yours and yours alone. you could of choosen so many other options to deal with the problems in the marriage. i am not blasting you in any way shape or form because, afterall, I choose the same thing you did.

my point is, your H is now choosing his actions. He and he alone is responsible for the choices he is now making. HE is choosing to turn to alcohol, that is not your fault. He could be choosing other options but he is not. You have NOT given him an excuse. You cannot control his choices. They are his to own.

I suppose this does nothing to help how you are feeling.

my advice to you is to actively choose to be the person you want to be. regardless of external circumstances, work really hard at watching your every action. make them actions of love.

this does not mean you should take any abuse from him. you have to keep yourself and your kids safe.

i cannot tell you the best way to deal with someone who is abusing alcohol. perhaps going to al-anon would be good for you. have you ever done this?

i know it is possible that you can make every action of your extremely loving and yet he may not see any of it because of HIS problems. but at the end of the day, no matter what, you can be proud of how you choose to act. and that is all you can control.

my prayers are with you and your H. May God help you stay strong and help your H be able to face his issues.

i would much rather have my marriage, but i know i created this...

wrong dreamcatcher...whatever this self loathing and self destruction that exists inside of him is...
it is NOT of your creation....

when we change, be us WS or BS and the other chooses not to....
then there in their refusal to change lays their decision...

with alcoholism and abuse...it is in God's hands...and your husband's

but despite what some think, i do not deserve to live this life..

no one thinks this and if they do they are just as lost as any others making poor choices...

time for you to focus on you
time for you to remove yourself from his chaos...

Godspeed dreamcatcher...

ARK

post squared

ark

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 07:56 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>