</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong> lm:


I agree, this MAY be one of those times. But think about it: Frank's daughter is in the hands of this foggy WW, AND the "wife beater/cat killer". The casualties are numerous already, we just don't want the next one 2 be his D. What would you suggest he do at this point in this sitch? Let's have some concrete suggestions, but realize that, in the final analysis, Frank will have 2 make his own decisions for himself.

-ol' 2long </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point......this situation is WAY BEYOND the marriage building stage. Forget the plans....I suggest that Frank call a lawyer and CPS and get the ball rolling on protecting his daughter. Yes, I know that many people here want to belive they can "recover" with their spouse, despite the inhumanely tragic things they do. But IMO this situation is WAY past that point. There is nothing in this world that Frank can say or do to change his wife's mind at this point. He needs to act NOW in the interests of his child and his PERSONAL recovery.

The fact that Frank is posting things like:

"Should I say I am there for her or leave her alone.......I'm lost " ......is very frightening. Frank, you may be in the "fog" yourself here.

LM

Frank,

You have been hit but not the worst but a pretty good runner up.

First of all your primary concern should not be what you say to her but rather, your finances and your family's future.

Determine:

1. WS still a WS and now Prego? If yes go to
2. WS now Xws but still prego? If yes go to

3. 1 = yes. Start divorce paperwork immediately. Meet with a good lawyer. Expect her to stick it to you. She c/b insane with raging prego hormones and you will be her favorite target more than before. Remove her from your medical ASAP or you C/b liable for medical bills for WS. Don't kinda want to help in this manner, it is her choosing.

4. 2 = yes.... get a good lawyer and work on sepazating your finances. If she wants reconciliation, get with Jennifer @ MB. If she balks, implement item 3 immediately.

Frank you can't afford to hmmmm haaaa over this one. No emotional stops...... you and your family are on a course for diaster and the WS is gonna pull you all down fast.

For your daughter's sake, get out. The OM is a beater in the past and maybe again soon. You can't protect the Ws or that child but you can protect yourself and yours.

Gotta get off trying to hang onto her. Do NOT enable the A as you have been. Unless you want t/b used.

Sorry to be so blunt. The Ws' train wreck is coming but she won't budge from the track. You have to decide whether you are going to stay there with her or get to a safer place.

If she later learns her lesson, then you can help. Right now, get to a safe place.

JMHO,
L.

I talked to WW this morning.....We talked about Meagan.....I was to pick her up from school to take her shopping for her brothers....I told ww that I heard that she is pragnant last night .....I told her that other mans mother is telling everyone she is going to be a grandmother again.......no morals.........I told ww that I kind of knew.....I told ww that if she needed anything to let me know.....thats all I can do at this point.....When i picked up Meagan she told me that she has known for a couple of weeks and WW told her not to tell me......I told ww this what you chose to do and ther is nothing I can do...It is not the babies fault.....they have no appinion or say in the matter they are the inaccent parties......ww said she would wrap the presents for our D to give the boys......so nice of her.......what can i say.....

Frank,

What can you say? Well for one you s/b incensed that your W has forced your daughter to be in the middle of this. What else are you going to allow your daughter t/b subjected to? Presents for 'what boys'????

STOP telling the WS you will help her!!! If you continue to help or offer it, why should she stop being a WS?

You like her being a WS?

L.

Frank,

I agree with another member on this thread when they told you that you are in the fog as well.
First, you pop in, post and then no one hears from you for extended periods of time. This causes those of us that care for you to worry. Second, you tend to ask the same questions repeatedly and do not follow the advice given by the members of this board. Until you get out of the fog and off of the fence there is no hope.

The questions you have to ask yourself:
1) Are you willing to take your wife back if that is an option and raise another man's child as your own? I suspect that the OM will not be too excited at the prospect of your WW being pregnant and may toss her out. Guess what door she will be knocking on if that happens?....Yours! This is like chess, think two to three moves ahead.

2) Why would you want to continue to provide medical coverage for your WW at this point in the game? Let the OM assume full financial responsibility for your WW. I know that you still love her, but why make it easier for her by allowing her to live with the OM on your dime?

3) Get legal support and make sure that you will not be held liable for supporting her unborn child. Even if you decide to take her back the OM can be made to pay child support. The flip side to this is that he will then be entitled to visitation. Many men will immediately sign away their rights to a child when confronted with child support payments. This all goes back to whether or not you are willing to take your WW back if it becomes an option.

4) Quit being wishy washy and stand up for yourself. There is no reward in being the nice guy here if it makes your WW's life with the OM easier.

5) Don't disappear again!!!! Keep us up to speed as to how you and your daughter are doing.

I am a regular lurker but not poster here. Sorry - this may be incredibly un-MB-pc - but frankd, you must get ahold of this situation. You are not the biggest victim here. Meagan must be protected. That *must* be your foremost concern, that must be your mantra.

I don't know if you can save your M. I don't know if your ww will ever come to earth. But SOMEONE must create a safe environment for Meagan. Someone must, at least, be working on it.

You're in a lot of pain. Who wouldn't be in your situation? And I know how some of what you are going through feels. But I can't begin to comprehend what Meagan must be going through. And you *must* put aside your own considerable pain to be able to help her - for she is an innocent child. frankd - you must put your feelings on hold to concentrate on getting Meagan safe, physically and mentally. Even if you never have any other joys in life (which I am sure it must feel like now) - you must be able to say that you did your best to protect your girl. Live for that.

My very fervent hopes for you.

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 05:36 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Frank,

I have to join all the others here. Get Megan out of that situation, contact your attorney, contact CPS, and don't say anything to your WW.

At this point, I think you are allowed to LB all over the place. As LM & ML have quoted: Don't protect your WW from the concenquences(sp) of her actions.

Get a divorce, Now! Move on. Build a secure future for Megan and you. If possible, remove yourselves physically away from this situation. I don't even want to write about what the rest of us are fearing.

I could go on all day on this subject. I sincerely hope you get the message we are all sendidng you.

Hi frank,

Most affairs end at some point. Your WW's affair will probably end at some point too. Where will she go when that happens? Who will she go to? Do you want her to go to you?

If you want her to go to you, frank, then you need to understand something. There will come a day, after her affair is over, that she will be able to see what YOU have done during her affair.

When your WW's mind clears and she looks back on this time, she will see that you did not protect Meagan when her mom was not in the right mind to protect her. Starting now, you can change that, frank.

Start focusing on helping Meagan. Start being the kind of father that your WW would want for Meagan and for her new child. When your WW's affair is over, what kind of father you are to Meagan NOW might determine whether she goes to you or to someone else.

frank, I realize that you want your wife back at just about any cost. I don't see any chance of your WW coming back to you unless you stop focusing on your WW and start focusing on being a responsible father to Meagan.

The time to focus on your WW is when her head clears. The time to focus on being a responsible father to Meagan is NOW!

Take care frank, of Meagan and yourself

Hi Frank...I haven't read anyones replies to you, I just read yours...so if I am repeating myself, sorry. I just want to let you know that I am going thru this myself...only my WH is the one who got the OW pregnant. Easier, you say..NO...I have come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, WH will always have some sort of bind to this woman and I have to make the decision if I want to live with it or not. I have made the decison I do not want to live with it. It may take you a while to get there...but just know that you will be ok. You are in shock now, and many things will go thru your mind...but in the end you must make the decsion yourself. NO one can make it for you.

When I was on last month when I found out ww was being beat on...I did call cps and they investagated......ww denided an they found nothing improper......I still get meagan fri/mon everyweek......When meagan is with me we reallt do have a good time....I give her all my love and we do alot of fun things....I do not talk about her mother or ask questions.....we really injoy all our time together.......we decorated , baked cookiies...went and seen lemony slikets movie and go to church.....some times her friends stay over or we go to familys house for the weekend......meagan asked me last night if I still love her mommy........I try to be honest...I tell her I still love her but mommy does't love me but I will be there for her.....funs are tight right now and I am doing my best.........yes I probly wasted alot of time doing the wrong thing but who really knows....I don't .......But I do take care of my daughter and she loves me to death....Meagan would be torn up if she could not be with her mom......I exsplained to D how what mommy is doing is not right.....I don't talk bad about her mother but let her know what is not right..........I read this board every day but do no write because I did not do what I was told....who knows who is right or wrong.......only god knows......how can you be a lover if you can't be a friend.....

Frank,

You can be a friend w/o being a lover.....but what is a real friend? That's the real question.

OM is not a friend or a lover. He is a homewrecker and the WS is also.

Right now both you and your daugther need to realize you are NOT dealing with your W's personality. The more you treat her as your W, the more the WS will abuse both of you.

What you may not realize is once that baby comes, your daughter maybe put under more pressure to do the WS and OM's biddings. Take care of the baby, clean their house maybe even perform acts for the OM...... your Ws is insane already and may get worse. Are you willing to subject Megan to those acts? Even the thought of them scares me. Even if they only experiences 1/2 of that it w/b too much for me. What would it be for you?

IMHO, I think you need to be more honest with your daughter. acknowledge that you love her mom when she acted like her mom and your W but the person she has allowed herself to become is a stranger to both of you and now you have to be cautious. Then make a plan together (you and Megan).

L.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 05:51 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid is giving you some very good advice about the difference between a spouse and WS. I think it is right to explain this to Meagan too.

You made this statement which explains why you don't keep posting and often disappear -

.I read this board every day but do no write because I did not do what I was told...

Please don't look at it this way. I don't always do what I am told on this board either, because I come here for some feedback and to get valuable opinions which help me to make up my own mind. And for support which is invaluable to me. You stick around and if someone says something that you don't agree with than you can explain why you don't agree with it and than someone else will come up with another idea, and so on and so forth. People are harsh with you because they get worried, and they wouldn't be worried if they didn't care.

I am glad you are reading every day, and I'm glad you don't badmouth Meagans mom, because you are right Meagan loves her mom. But as Orchid and the others are saying you must give Meagan the tools to protect herself and to be able to understand it in her own mind. Hense Orchid's explaination of the difference between mom and mom who is a WS.

Can you get Meagan into counseling? I took my DD when she was having a rough time of it and I'm glad I did. Helped my daughter, and gave her somone to talk to whom she was safe in saying anything and not having to worry about which parent might be hurt/angry with what she said.

Frank, I really think it is time for a plan, like 2long said. If you are reading here every day you have an idea of what you need to do. You just need to find the strength to do it.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 05:24 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Good morning frank,

weaver is right, many of us are very worried about Meagan.

If any post I have ever made to you has affected you in a bad way, please feel free to tell me so that I can change the way I write it. I don't mean anything against you, frank, I am just very worried about Meagan in her situation. Let us know what you're doing to help her cope with it ok?

Take care

I and Meagan both go to C.....A cristian C who does believe in reconcilation......She also believes that ww has issues....she talks to meagan twice a month....and she does watch for signs of abbuse.......she also went over things to do in case he ever hits mommy or her ....what plan of action ect.........which I have also went over.....running out of house calling police ect...tell teachers ....dr .Ann WW did go to her also the first two times in april....but was affraid OM would find out......Weaver what do you mean by a plan..........

Well you were in Plan B, but not able to stick to it apparently. And it doesn't sound like you are ready for divorce. Although I think you had better think long and hard about this Frank, with WS/OM baby on the way. If WS comes back do you really want another baby, especially one which will keep OM forever in your life?

But if you are not willing to divorce her, (yet?) than you come up with your own plan, a strategy. And a time frame. You do not want this sitch you are in to go on forever. Life is too short Frank and you and Meagan deserve and can have sooo much more.

It's your choice, but you need a plan of action, and a time frame. And then if it doesn't work you move to divorce. That is the responsible way to conduct your life, and really the only way to ensure happiness. You do have control over your happiness, but it takes a plan of action.

Does that make sense? I know I'm not being very clear but I think you probably know what I'm talking about.

I bumped a thread for someone else where Victoria talks of her strategy - hers and other posts on that thread were very good I thought.

Let me know if you are still around and I will bump for you.

Merry Christmas guy!

You are getting some very sound advice on this thread. I am going to repost Amafish's post because I think you should read and reread. It makes very good sense.

Amafish said -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

The questions you have to ask yourself:
1) Are you willing to take your wife back if that is an option and raise another man's child as your own? I suspect that the OM will not be too excited at the prospect of your WW being pregnant and may toss her out. Guess what door she will be knocking on if that happens?....Yours! This is like chess, think two to three moves ahead.

2) Why would you want to continue to provide medical coverage for your WW at this point in the game? Let the OM assume full financial responsibility for your WW. I know that you still love her, but why make it easier for her by allowing her to live with the OM on your dime?

3) Get legal support and make sure that you will not be held liable for supporting her unborn child. Even if you decide to take her back the OM can be made to pay child support. The flip side to this is that he will then be entitled to visitation. Many men will immediately sign away their rights to a child when confronted with child support payments. This all goes back to whether or not you are willing to take your WW back if it becomes an option.

4) Quit being wishy washy and stand up for yourself. There is no reward in being the nice guy here if it makes your WW's life with the OM easier.

5) Don't disappear again!!!! Keep us up to speed as to how you and your daughter are doing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 05:25 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

frank,
As a father to 2 daughters, I am aware that I will influence (for better and worse) how they will view men and relationships. Right now, you are enabling an A and letting your WW shi+ all over you in front of your D, show some balls. At the very least Plan B, but if I was in your shoes, I would divorce as quickly as possible and move on. Your daughter is watching you, show her you are not a doormat.

Well I got DD this morning.....Merry X-mas.....E V E R Y O N E......She told me that WW got into fight thursday over me 2-waying her when I seen them on the way home........I said ww I got something here for meagan pull ove......well when ww got home OM hollowered at WW told her that he was going to take cell phone....and he threw the keys , and broke glass in storm door...apperently he had cell phone when I 2-wayed.......WW sent dd outside....DD called as soon as she had gotten there.....from out side WW was in house...DD went in house to use restroom...when she came out they were fighting ...verbelly..... I did talk to ww yesterday morning......she told me that I should never two way her unless she two-ways me first.....she was pissed she said I am possessive...and need to get over it......she still has not been to Doctors about baby....... she is a lost cause,.....

Merry Christmas frank!

I was relieved to read that you are providing Meagan with a counselor who can help monitor her emotional and mental state. Her counselor should be able to advise you on what you can do to help Meagan cope with her situation.

frank, I wish I could help you with your situation but my Plan A did more damage to me personally and to the foundation for marital recovery than anything else did. I did not have a good enough understanding of what Plan A is and how to do a good one without becoming a chump in the process.

I think you still have time to learn what a TRUE Plan A is. I think you still have time to learn to do a good Plan A.

Btw, what did you decide to do today? When we are feeling low, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to do something for someone else. Do you have snow? Could you shovel a few walks? Could you clear off a few cars? At the same time, you would be getting some fresh air and exercise--a win/win for both you and the recipient of your good deeds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care