Hey, are there some uplifting recovery stories out there? I mean no hope-burnt bridge-who would have thunk it miracles of reconcilation and restration. It would make for some great holiday/New Year reading, and for many here, encouragement to keep the faith. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

I was going to make this a separate post, but since you asked...

Today is 1 year of NC! And I finally do believe in miracles. Not that FWS could end the A, but that we could actually change how we relate to each other and improve our M.

I have to be honest. Even before the A, we had a very rocky R. I remember thinking one year after we got married that we might actually break up while my brother was making his wedding plans. Well, d-day hit 2 years later.

I was "lucky". FWS did not really try to hide the A from me. Of course, he didn't tell me he was spending alot of time with another woman, but he charged their lunches on our debit card, so that I could see them online. Red flag! He never even used to take a lunch. I let it go for a week, but when the charges started the following week, I asked who he was having lunch with. When he said, "You don't want to open that can of worms", I knew.

I was in shock. I just assumed he would want to leave. Luckily, I had found MB even before we got married, so I had the idea that people can recover from As in the back of my mind. I came here and tried to implement Plan A.

I "let" FWS continue to see OW and their R turned physical a week later. I wouldn't know until the following month, though. I flew into action. I found an MC and signed us up for Retrouvaille. And I read and posted here. MB was my lifeline. When I was about to give up, I'd post and someone would throw a lifesaver. Somehow I would find the strength to Plan A for one more day.

The A continued for 4 1/2 excruciating months. I couldn't take it after 3 months, though, and asked FWS to leave. We really didn't have much money, so he was not eager to run out and find an apartment in a bad neighborhood. I wonder how things would have been different if OW had her own place.

So at this time last year, we were going through the motions of getting ready for Christmas. Can you imagine FWS still wanted a family photo? I told him that would change when he was finally with OW, but he said no, he would always want a Christmas pic with us. Yeah, right. I looked at that pic and wondered who the man in the photo was.

Well, as it turned out Plan A allowed FWS to see that I could change and gave OW plenty of time to LB. She LB'd horribly when she asked FWS for money towards the end of their A. FWS asked if I thought he was being used. One thing about OW and I -- we never bad-mouthed the other. I just said that she is very enmeshed with her family and it may take awhile before she can extricate herself.

Finally, we took our 16-month old daughter to see Santa and I saw the first of many miracles. They had to change the film in the camera when it was our turn, so Santa took a little break. He got up and said to FWS, "You have a very beautiful family." Did I mention FWS had been out the day before looking at apartments with OW?

That night I was laying down with our baby and FWS laid down with us. He hugged me and I started crying. He apologized.

I really didn't know what it meant, but the next day, he told me he didn't answer any of OW's text messages. Two days later, he wondered why she stopped writing/calling and he went through a minor withdrawal. The following Sunday morning, she called his cell. She never called his cell when he was at home. FWS didn't pick up the phone in time, but when he saw the number, he asked me what he should do.

I told him to do what he thought was right when she called again. He went into the other room to take the call. And just as I decided to interrupt the conversation after 10 minutes, FWS emerged. He told her he decided to save our marriage.

And now, what a year we've had. We have not heard one word from OW and she still works with one of FWS' close friends. FWS quit his job. It had nothing to do with OW, really, but I'm sure it helped with my recovery.

It hasn't been all hearts and flowers since then. We went on vacation in March and it was a disaster. We have a vacation condo and when FWS went to furnish it the year before, he called OW every night. To me, that was the beginning of their A. So now the condo was a huge trigger for me. The last night of our vacation, I really thought we were getting divorced.

Then FWS had some kind of spiritual breakdown. I *finally* saw remorse in his eyes and could actually see the enormous pain he was in.

We are still working on our M, though. I have actually seen FWS transform into someone new. I don't have doubts that people can change, because I've seen it with my own eyes. However, I worry that I'm not changing enough. But I realize I'm still testing him, still wary.

You know, I haven't actually told him that I forgive him. In the beginning, he doubted that I could do it, but I told him I knew I had the capacity. I would not be trying to recover if I didn't think I could. But I haven't actually said the words. I think I will tell him on Christmas.

And in the new year, I realize I now need to take a chance. To risk doing things differently than I used to. I have to give our M a chance to be the R we both want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

December 26th (boxing day) is our 9th anniversary of D-day. I uncovered evidence, he did not confess until he was cornered with proof.

His "soulmate" PA lasted 18 months with the wife on his friend since childhood.

December 27th is my husband's 9th "AA birthday".

I almost forgot about the anniversary of D-day until H mentioned to me his sobriety birthday ---> which followed on the heels of affair discovery.

We survived.

We are happy.

We are sexy.

I no longer carry any resentment.

I feel safe.

I am loved and adored. And so is H.

NC began right away. The day I knew there was going to be NC is the day my H and I sat in the coffee shop with OW's husband, and My H confessed and apologized the affair to his old friend.

Affairs are ugly, and stupid, and destructive, and life altering.

Thanks you MB board.... for another year of loving, and growing, and lively conversations.

God Bless.

Pep

I posted a similar report of things gone well under 3 year d-day anniversary and counting.

My FWH showed remorse from the instant I found out. He wanted me to punish him in a form he could understand, but I couldn't. He has endured the harshest of punishment by going through all of the stages of discovery and recovery with me. He has been a rock. He has proven to me time and time again that our family is important to him and that he loves me.

Keep hope alive.

Recovery is possible.

God Bless and Merry Christmas!

Some good reports. I too would like to hear about silver linings of ANY sort. A's destroy so much. It's nice to know that rebuiling can take place.

I wouldn't call my story a success story, at least not yet. However, I believe we are on that path. My FWH moved out in May when I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with our first child, after confessing to a 6 week PA. He moved back home one week before the baby was born. Since the baby was born things have continued to get better. At first he moved into the guest room, but he hasn't slept there since we brought the baby home from the hospital. Both of us are off from work so we spend all our time together with the baby. We are really starting to reconnect, but taking it very slowly. Both of us are very hesitant to make the first step, but slowly we are. The first time I held him in bed I didn't know what he would do, but he snuggled closer to me and when I turned over he held me.

We still haven't addressed any of our problems so we can take steps to rectifying them, that is why I say we aren't in recovery yet. We'll work on that after the holidays. Right now we are just taking things one day at a time and enjoying getting to know our beautiful daughter.

womanoffaith2 said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my aunt and uncle were divorced for 6 years while h was in the fog seeing and living w/ow. he got a clue finally and they remarried and are back together happier than ever.

i have never aired my full story here.....i guess now would be a good time. i want someone to tell me how to make this part of my profile so i don't have to write it again.

A friend of mine invited me to attend the Christ Renews His Parish (CHRP) retreat last fall. I had no idea what CRHP was about. All I knew was that CRHP was all the rage and everyone from my old neighborhood was going…so why not I said. I was apprehensive that CRHP would be a gabfest. I had no interest in a slumber party at this time in my life. God was lacking in my life and I wanted to learn.

Almost immediately upon arrival at CRHP I felt a presence. I saw things in people’s eyes whom I didn’t even know, but I knew I wanted what they had. I felt the layers of my defensiveness being peeled away instantly. During one of the prayerful periods I was reflecting on my constant shipwreck of a life and really analyzing what I had heard about during the day…depending on God to get me through. I also was analyzing how on earth I could hand control over to him. Hand over control, who would be in charge then I asked?? I was emotionally exhausted but open to discussion. While praying in church about all of this, I was overwhelmed by a presence blanketed over top of my head and immediately I felt more love and peace than I thought was humanly possible on earth. I know that I was given the gift of the Holy Spirit. I thought maybe I was just delirious until I heard another witnesses the next day that spoke of a similar experience.

CRHP was the facilitator of my spiritual reconciliation with God. Our communication started as if it had always been. My husband told me that he noticed an immediate change upon returning home from CRHP. I was so hopeful that he to could experience what I had. I prayed and asked others to pray that he chose to go instead of me telling him “he was going to go weather he liked it or not”…this was part of the old me I had discarded. I often thought about how awesome it would be for the two of us to be on the same path at the same time. How would I ever explain what had happened to me if he too did not experience it as well.

I had a different vision of what God represented in my life. God was not this person I prayed to when I was being selfish about what I wanted, I now talked to him day and night, he became my best friend. I truly formed a relationship with God. I allowed God to help me make small changes gradually. I decided I would work as much as I felt possible. If I didn’t go to the office, that was my business, not my fathers. We now had complete ownership of the business and it was time to cut the umbilical cord with my father. I handed the control over my life to God and gave him the reins. I told him I trusted him completely and would follow him. I also try to keep my opinion to myself and listened more to husband and my children. I was and am now more at peace than ever before. We vowed to begin attending church every single Sunday. We felt such a sense of community after church visiting with our new CRHP family.

The night of my first CRHP meeting I crawled into bed with my husband and told him how I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world, I had been so blessed in my life, I had wonderful kids, beautiful home, a business that has continued to provide to our family for 15 years and a wonderful husband whom I loved.

God did have a plan for my life as always weather I liked it or not. He gave me the gift of CRHP, which I often call my crash course in spiritual reconciliation.

Not even 12 hours after saying those words to my husband, I received another wake up call. This call shattered the foundation of my poorly built house. I had chosen to stay home from work February 3, 2004, one day before my birthday. My youngest child did not feel well. The old me would have still gone to work, he didn’t have a fever I would rationalize.

The ow's husband called me to spill the beans. I was told information about betrayal within my marriage that I was not aware of. This betrayal had been going on for the last 10 months unbenounced to me. This was the absolute bottom of the valley.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3

The Holy Spirit guided me back to instant thoughts of forgiveness. The old self certainly would not have been thinking of much more evil actions, certainly not forgiveness. It was 5 days before the men’s CRHP retreat that my husband had chosen to attend all from his own desire and not my own. I called a very dear friend whom I had helped recently with their marital problems and their first words to me were “you have to do whatever you can to get him to still attend CRHP”. That meant to me that I had to leave town. I never was good at lying or hiding something from someone. I used the excuse that my grandmother was ill and my mom needed my help, which was not true at the time. Somehow I convinced everyone, even my father who knows me inside and out. Who would leave their family the day before their birthday anyway? My husband and children were not happy with me.

I ran to a place I thought I would never return to or be able to call home again. I went to stay with my mom. She was the best person able to console me due to her past with my father (she too had an affair/reason for their divorce). I went to my old church and threw all of this “new baggage” into another box for God and said, “you want it, you got it, and now what am I supposed to do”. I was absolutely emotionally and physically depleted. I had no choice but to do what I had learned in CRHP because I did not have a life that I could return to.

The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. 2Corinthians2: 6-9

I have spent the last 10 1/2 reconciling my relationship with God and my husband. My husband too has been spiritually revived as well. It is like any other relationship with plenty of mistakes and strides. I have chosen a new way of life based on love rather than fear. I will do more than exist to survive. I continually practice keeping my nose to the grindstone and try to remember to turn to God and the bible when I encounter difficulties. I attend bible study groups to help educate myself in what I was lacking. I have vowed to God that he will be first in my life. I have to continually remind myself that I cannot walk this walk on my own, and that community with others who are committed to God as well, will help me when I stumble. Once I committed myself to these things I experienced the glory of who I really am and who I can really be. Once I turned my life over to God and stopped trying to control it I receive blessings in abundance.

The basic rule in biblical recovery is that the life before God isn’t worthy of holding onto; we must loose it, grieve it, and let it go so that he can give us good things.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them and he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 2Corinthians 5:18-19
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One of my sisters remarried her exH after being divorced for about a year. They both had had an affair during their marriage which they never dealt with, and their marriage eventually eroded because of it. I was not happy about her getting back with him until this month. She now tells me that everthing is great in their marriage, better than ever before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a girlfriend whose parents remarried a couple of years ago after being divorced and both remarried to other people.

I work with a guy who remarried his first wife and mother of his children after THREE marriages in between! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As long as their is love if only on one side even, there is hope. I believe this very strongly.

Wow! Well, there is certainly lots of love on the side of many BS's here at MB. Faith and patience do pay off, one way or another. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

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Lupolady originally posted:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

dleightonc said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A recovery w/o God is a false recovery, it seems. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!!

God is all about reconciliation. That's His whole Story! Read it His Word. THE best-selling Book on the market - EVER!

I'll add my "Happy Ending" story here for ya, too.

H was gone 3 years. We prolly talked a total of five or six times in the whole time (this after being M'd for 21 years....talk about feeling thrown aside, abandoned). I couldn't figure out HOW someone could have changed that much.........could "pretend" to care about me for 21 years, then simply toss me aside and NEVER LOOK BACK. We never said much more than a few cross words to each other, never cussed each other out (I had lived with that as a child, I promised myself I would never refer to someone I professed to love as "scum of the earth, or a no-good, rotten SOB.......") We never stayed angry, or showed hatred. So it seemed surreal the day I got home from work to find he had packed and LEFT that day..........without even so much as a warning that we were on dangerous ground. Well, anyway, he did....and never looked back. As I said. He had filed for div........he pushed it. It went through. He never wanted to talk about it, or reconsider reconciling.

The next 2 years were mine to deal with totally ALONE. Just me and God. And God working on "fixing" me. I attended church regularly, prayed and read my Bible regularly, becoming someone I liked a whole lot better than the nasty, snide, sarcastic person who belittled people - just b/c I felt like they weren't my "equal" - or seemed too stupid to me.

My story of "recovery" is similar to Arabesque. I let God change me. I changed, I calmed down (after the initial shock and anger which consumed me, but had no outlet, since I couldn't contact H). I sought God as my refuge, as my H, as my ALL AND ALL. He changed me. I became a person nice to be around, not negative, or bitter or vengeful.

THEN my story changes to more like WOF's. When H came around (and he did, when OW suddenly died, and he found himself totally ALONE) We really will never know how God is going to "shake our world" - I found out. H saw the changes that God had been making in me. He liked what he saw. See, b/c God had been changing ME, it was easy for me to be genuinely sorry and express that to H when he called to tell me she had died. He was shocked, saddened, and totally confused. God was now shaking HIS world! I was completely at peace with whatever God wanted to do in my life. H wasn't quite at that point yet, so when God shook his world, he really jumped onto the roller coaster I had been riding in, and finally let myself off of. H saw the peace, the calm, the forgiveness I had. We talked, and the more we talked, the more he wanted what I had, he wanted his old life back, BUT it was a "new, improved" life! It included God. Something we had pushed out of our lives very early in our M.

We both agreed we will NEVER let anything push God out of the picture again. We have both been attending Bible classes at our church, and we are both in agreement that GOD MUST BE AT THE CENTER OF OUR MARRIAGE IF WE INTEND TO DO IT RIGHT FROM NOW ON!

Praise God. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WoW.

We both had high power careers, two children and all the stress that goes with it. We never had time for a date, or talking or vacations. It was all work and taking care of the kids.

Four years ago an attractive woman at work starting having lunch and talking to my H. He really is a great guy and she wanted him (she was twice divorced already and still in her 20's). She made him feel young again. She had time for him. I was so busy with career and children that I would drop in bed dead tired at night. No-he made mistakes too. He never helped around the house or with the kids. I even made more money at the time. I wanted to be with him and have the fun we used to, but we were just so busy. She was available and knew the right moves.

Our lifestyle left him vulnerable. We were both out of shape at the time. She was fit and attractive, no kids, no ties. Their one night stand turned into a full blown affair. I was stuck at home when not working taking care of the house and kids. I was cracking under the pressure but did not know what was going on. We stopped being nice to each other-I resented his lack of contribution to the family and it eroded our relationship. As I made a decision to change my life, our life for the better by staying at home with the kids for a while, my H resented the loss of my income and felt that I had let myself go-yea-who can take care of themselves when they are working 24/7? He resented not having the fun we used to have. I resented his lack of affection and helping with the family and the fact that I was doing the majority of the work for our family. So we made a huge lifestyle change based on my feelings that things were not working the way they should be. That is when I found out about his affair.

I had already quit my high powered job and changed everything. I had started to get back into better shape-I had always been fit, but two kids and no play took it's toll. I was like a single mother-with no father around. I was very angry that I had given everything up only to find out that the reason things didn't feel right was because he was sleeping with someone else. I had no clue because our sex life hadn't changed. He was just more short tempered and had stopped doing anything for the family several months before-when I suspect the affair started.

I confronted him and he was ready to move in with the OW. He thought I would never forgive him. I found marriage builders. I had already been doing a plan a. I contacted an attorney-I was going to protect my babies no matter what. I considered plan b, but reality came crashing down on my H and he remembered the love that we had. We had been trying for a third child during this time. (Yes-while he was having an affair!!!-no wonder I couldn't get pregnant-to be blunt there were no sperm left for me) When I found out about the affair, the last thing I wanted to do was get pregnant, but the Lord works in mysterious ways-that is just when I got pregnant.

My H has become the man I married again. He now does his part in rearing this family and I no longer resent that he does not do his share, because I stopped doing everything. Now I take care of my family first and he takes care of us all. We both had made mistakes that left our marriage vulnerable to the advances of that young woman. In reality, she was no better than what he had (and may I say, actually a great deal worse than me), but she was available and had an empty life and was ready to fill his up with carefree fun. When reality hit, he chose to stay with me. Why? Because fantasy is just that. It was fun because it didn't have the day to day stresses of real life. We were fun and carefree when we met, but real life is not just a big party-that is why so many affair partners fail in real life. She was a bandaid to our marriage. I am sorry she was hurt, but she played with fire. She chose to have an affair. When reality hit he woke up-he is a very smart man and saw the real picture. From time to time my H thanks me for standing by his side. When he sees other marriages fall apart from A's he say thank God that is not us. He loves me more now than before and I love him for staying with me. He remembered his bride in the end and chose to take a chance with me instead. I can see that he is doing all that he can to make me happy and I in turn do all that I can to make him happy. Our family is thriving and successful. Our children are happy and so are we.

So in the end, the affair was a wake up call. Things weren't working so we made drastic changes. I wish that the affair had never happened, but people make mistakes. I also wish that my career had not meant so much to me at the time. I wish we had taken time out for us, but real life got in the way.

We are both very happy now. I come here when I can to offer support, because MB was very helpful to identify our needs. We are the couple that other people envy-if they only knew!! We hold hand, we talk, we date each other and enjoy family life. An affair isn't always the end, it can also be the beginning of a new and more mature relationship, but both parties must be willing to work together. Sometimes it takes one partner a little longer to catch on. If I can add any insight into this four year observation it is that most men go home to their wives. The OW feel it is because of kids and finances, but the reality is that most smart men realize that what they have at home is real, and what they have with the OW is just a minute of fun that does not have staying power.

May God bless each of you today and ease your pain. Take each day as it comes. Be the best person you can be. The rest will follow. If your partner has left for the OP, let it go and work on yourself. They will notice. Always do the right thing so you can stand with your head held high. The OP will fall on their face eventually-there is karma in this world, so do not sweat it. When we look at our baby we see the good karma. When my H looks at the baby he knows he did the right thing. Hugs-Jersey Girl.

Mimi1254's success story You go girl!

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