You are not small. A small man does not admit his pain, nor seeks help for it. Your pain is as real and as valid as those poor people in Asis. You, my brother are blessed. Stick with us and you'll soon see it too.

Read the link in my signature and know that I know from whence you speak.

Also, move to your new thread. Good things await you there!

dlc

Dalton Dad,
No need to feel ashamed and try not to think of what comes next. When we think of all the what if's and make up scenarios in our mind and keep running them like replays on a cassette, well it's enough to drive a person mad. Fear of the unknown is what makes us go there... it's like we need to make up these scenarios to deal with the unknown and well it just makes things worse. Try to live in the moment and when the moment gets too bad, reach out and get some help. I am glad you are still around Superdad... I'm sure your children are too!!!

Still praying for you...

Peace,
Odyssey

Dalton,

I've never posted to you before, and I probably represent many people here who have felt exactly as you do now. You are not alone, and one day will be able to look back and see how far you've come in making peace in your life.

It will be you here, helping others deal with this devastating pain...because only those of us who have been where you are, can possibly understand the magnitude of the pain.

I understand your thougths and feelings, and will tell you how I dealt with life at it's lowest. I surrendered....meaning I just didn't have it in me to fight any more. With surrendering came peace, because I told God I couldn't do it by myself anymore - that to go on I needed to rely on him (or whomever your higher power is).

Being a very visual person - the compassionate God I know reached out and held my hand to help me walk through the pain in my life. There were times that even that didn't feel like enough, so I visualized God carrying me because I could not longer put one foot in front of the other.

I felt safe and protected. This is my vision for you. Don't struggle alone any more. Rely on the positive powerful energy of these wonderful posters who support you so much, and visualize in your way God or whomever supporting you, whether he's holding your hand, or carrying you. And yes, even rest in his arms, relinquishing the burdens you carry. You need a break.

Come here, vent, vent, vent - rid yourself of the negativity - your friends will be here with open arms and positive support.

My recovery is ongoing in my marriage - but before you can have marital recovery - you must have personal recovery. Blessings to you!!

DD,

I'm glad you made it.

I remember feeling suicidal. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I feel happy. Sometimes I feel tired. Sometimes I feel bored. My point is that these feeling are fleeting and are temporary.

I remember once I was sitting in my basement holding my 12-guage shotgun. I calmly cleaned it, loaded it, and racked a shell into the chamber. I kept turning the gun around trying to find the proper angle. Should I shoot myself in the head? In the heart? Should I put the barrel in my mouth? It was a weird analytical experiment. I was simply sitting there trying to find the best way to end my life.

I sat there and thought about my life. I thought about my kids. I was simply broken and just wanted the pain to stop. I also began to think about the people that would have to come down into my basement and pick pieces of my head out of the wall and clean up all that mess. I think that that is what really stopped me at the time. I caused enough grief for one life . . . I didn't want that person to have to come and clean up my mess. I calmly unloaded the gun, wiped my fingerprints of the blued exterior and locked it back in its case.

Every time I see my son or daughter smile I'm glad I'm still here. I'm glad you are here too . . . There is too much pain in the world we really don't need to be adding any to the mix.

Cheers,

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Hey Man - being honest with your feelings and reaching out is a sign of strength. You are stronger than you think.

And because you feel ashamed this morning shows that you have your wits about you. You're able to look in the mirror and give an "honest" accounting of your self. This doesn't mean we agree! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Compare yourself to your WS. Shame? Honesty? Today, who is the better person?

No contest.

WAT

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hello Dalton Dad!!

It took COURAGE for you to post last night!

Do you realize that there were people reading the board last night who felt the same way you did and had the same suicide plan?

Do you realize that your courage to post helped THEM get through the night too?

Do you realize that YOU saved lives last night?

Note to the lurkers: Last night, you were in my prayers along with Dalton Dad. I'm glad you're here today too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Dalton Dad, wars are won battle by battle--and you won a BIG one last night!

Take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dalton Dad... it doesn't hurt any of us for you to post... please don't feel that way.

We've all felt your kind of despair at one time or another, yet we're all here. For you.

I'm not usually one to speak for other people (especially without their consent) but I think I speak for everyone here when I say we are here for you. And if we can help you pull through this, then we will all feel better for it. IOW, helping you helps us. Gives us more of a sense of worth.

You WILL get through this. And someday, you'll be here as one of the seasoned MBers and someone else will come in feeling the same despair you are feeling right now. And you can tell him/her "been there, done that, here is what helped me get through this."

So let us help you, and sometime down the road, you'll be able to help someone else.

BTW, I bet you are totally off-base about what your kids think of you. Just like I've been off-base fearing that my H found be to be of limited value. Come to find out my H didn't feel that way at all, my perception was off. Your perception might be off, too. Your kids love you. Stick around to watch them grow up.