Good Evening,<P>This is my first post, and I would very much appreicate if anyone could give me some information on support groups. Or anything. I'm hurting here big time. I feel everything crashing down around me and I'm trying to keep a front that I'm OK. Well I'm not.<P>Please read the profile for a feel of whats happening around me and let me tell you what is eating away at me.<P>W is running, running hard. She hasn't spent a solid week home in three months. That is fully understandable under the circumstances, but when is enough enough. I've made a complete 180 we both agree but she has her reservations about getting back into this relationship with me, yet she won't sit still long enough for us to discuss what we are going to do and how we are going to do this. She wants to take the kids out of school and move to SC for atleast 6 mos to get away from it all. She wants me to stay and pay off the house/send her child support while she does this. I love her and I believe she loves me too but how can I reason with her? All of her family agrees that she needs to calm down before she makes any rash decisions but she has completly gone rebel. Is this normal?<P>We went through a phase right after discovery where she yelled I apologized we made love we cried and then repeated the process the next day but now, She seems so dead set against US that I don't know what to say or do. I believe she has a love intrest in SC (she is there now, just came from there when Floyd made everyone evacuate) but that may be me imagining things. <P>What other phases of this do I have to look forward to? How should I be reacting to this? How can I keep from breaking down atleast for the kids sake? Should I just leave? <P>Only her cousin is staying with us now, I don't believe he has any intentions of moving though. Her cousin, his nephew, her sister and a drugdealer from NY(she brought to house without even discusing it with me) were all staying here up until last weekend. <P>I am trying to be all the things that I should have been a long time ago. I never really knew the things I know now. I didn't have a father figure and didn't really know what a father was for until recently. This tragedy has made me into a man, I know. But how does a MAN handle this situation I need some help with. My W is out of control, she has admitted this herself, I'm trying to handle this while depositing units into her lovebank but without causing any lovebusters. <P>The worst thing about all of this is that I caused this myself. My entire family has been uprooted by my own hand. Please advise.. anybody.. <P>------------------<BR>Oh just SHOOT me!

lost-one - Welcome to our family. Congratulations for taking the steps you are taking to take to make yourself a better person and, hopefully, make a better marriage. There are many people here who can give you a lot of good advice. <P>Have you read and become familiar w/ Dr. Harley's principles? Read them a lot. Use the questionaires. There are many success stories here to provide inspiration and solid advice. I'm not one - YET - and floundering a bit right now, but, like everyone else, hoping that time, love, prayers and hard work will eventually pay off. I know it will too. For me, if for no one else. I mean I'll be a better person for it even if WE don't survive. Sounded bad before.<P>Hurt brings us (betrayed and betrayers alike) to do many things. But people can recover. Stay strong, stay patient and come here whenever you need a friend. I know I never would have made it without these people.<P>You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. <P>Lori<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited September 20, 1999).]

Thank you for the kind words. I really need some. I'm living in W hometown in GA,I'm originally from NY. I don't have the support structure necessary to deal with this here. I feel so all alone sometimes. I'm mostly a loner and happy about it until I needed to talk to someone and there was no one beside my wife to talk to. She likes how much I've opened up to her. I've even opened up to my mother which I had never done before in my life. It's just so hard dealing with this. It's all I think about. And when she's gone like now it's worse. How will I cope when she's moved? Once the kids aren't around? <P>My parents seperated when I was 7, I used to hope and pray that they would get back together, I knew that they would. My father came home when he was about to die. I was 18 at the time. I keep thinking that one day she'll leave and never come back. How do I cope with that? She knows I'm sorry, she knows I love her. She says that I'm better now than I've ever been, as far as a father to kids and a man. She feels that this growth on my part was at her expense and that now another woman will benifit from her emotional breakdown. I feel so terrible.<P>I've been maintaining, but lately I feel myself losing my grip. Everyday it gets a little harder to breathe as the band around my heart tightens another notch. Can I take something for that love loss feeling?<P>------------------<BR>Oh just SHOOT me!<BR>

No magic pill, I'm afraid. And if shooting would help - I'd have done it already!!!! Just hang in there. We're here.<P>Lori

lostva<BR>Thanks for responding, it feels good to release some of these thoughts to let go. My W used to rub my head and tell me everything would be OK. It's funny how much you can miss a touch. <P>Whew!<P><BR>

Hi lost one,<P>I think we all feel lost when we first come to this board. I know I did, it was if I was in a last ditch effort for some sanity.<P>I'm glad you've done a 180 - I guess that means stopping the lovebusters. I thought I had that licked, but an empty lovebank has me short fused right now.<P>Welcome to the board.

Hello Lost One<P>I can relate to your situation. Read my profile and you will see. The best advice I can tell you from my experience is don't panic. Easy to say but hard to do(I know,been there, done that) Once you finally come to the realization it took you many years to get to where you are at now, you come to the conclusion that your problems will not be solved by next Tuesday. Sure would be nice though.<BR>Wishfull thinking and a very positive attitude, but you have to deal with reality. No magic bulets or simple solutions. I have found great comfort in reading many books on relationships & saving marriages, and visiting various Web sites. <P>Remember that God loves you and wants the best for you. And where ever you are thats where your supposed to be. I truly believe my experience with all its pain is a great opportunity for growth. I have experienced a number of close family deaths, and even though there was great pain, I became a stronger person and grew a lot. It feels like my experience now is as painfull if not more painfull than the deaths I experienced. My Sister told me the reason I feel that way is, because of the ending of your marriage after twenty five years is a death. I would rather skip all the pain during this learning process. But, as they say, no pain no gain.<P>If you would like names of some great books to read E-mail me at larorem@aol.com<P>One last item. Go to www.weiner-davis.com<BR>Great site on divorce busting. Read the article "Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself" I have though about giving a copy to my wife, but not sure if that would be a Love Buster? If anyone out there has an opinion on whether I should share it with my wife, I'd love to hear from you.<P>I was in Stone Mountain back in April. Very beautiful.

Lost-one,<BR> Welcome to this group and so sorry you have a reason to be here. This is a tough road to travel but well worth it if you can make it to the end together, with your wife. My H and I have been rebuilding our marriage for over 1 1/2 years now after the discovery of his long term affair. Really difficult, really hard, but I don't regret the effort because the results have been worth it. <BR> First, try to read everything you can about affairs and relationships. This site is an excellent starting point. Also, the people on this site can and will suggest many books(most available at your library) . My favorite book is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. And if possible, have your wife sit down and read this too. It will make her understand that she is not going crazy. All her thoughts (and yours) are normal. That's always a big relief . Also gives some real good suggestions for rebuilding. <BR> You'll also get a some advice about the moving out plan. Don't allow that to happen if at all possible. Try your best to work this out together. Rebuilding is sooo much harder when you're apart. Either go with her or ask her to stay with you. And congratulations on getting rid of your houseguests. Sounds like one more to go! That also makes rebuilding harder. You need to have time to spend on the two of you and your family, without interference or distractions. Also check into counseling. You will hear this a million times. I wasn't much of a believer in counseling prior to the affair but I'm a believer now. It definitley has helped me and I'm sure it would help you and your wife. <BR> Right now your wife is hurting. She's hurting real bad and running from having too deal with that pain. She has to stop running sometime. Try to be there for her, suggest the counseling, the reading material, get her on this website,,,She has to know that there is hope for a better future and a stronger marriage. My H and I are proof it can work!! Good luck to you and keep posting,,,

I hope I read your post right, but I think I can relate to your wife. Since the discovery of my H affair(s?) I'm not myself. I'm scared, and the person I could always count on to be there when I was lost, I cannot talk to or hold on to, because he is the reason I feel this way.<P>I think she'll stop running from it, eventually, if she knows you're still and always will be there for her. This is why I'm still running (because after almost 1 year, I'm still not secure that he'll be there for me.....) But don't give up hope....this is a slow and painful journey, but from the success stoies posted on this board I know it's possible!!!!!<P>Take care

Lost one, I really believe you should listen to Once happy. I was the same way, until I found out that H wasn't going anywheres, that even though his mouth was running he wasn't giving me lip service as he had before, that I wouldn't believe him. You must make up your mind to work on this to the best of your ability and do so. There is 2 other pieces of advice I could give you. The first is to remember to breath. I know that sounds funny but whenever I see people in an emotional uproar they forget to breath and when they do they slow their body down and realize they need to think too! The other piece is for you to remember that you had YEARS to get used to the idea that you were not faithful, she has had only a few months, and this is something that does take time. Stop and realize that she hasn't walked out that door yet, something must still be there for her to stay now, and that is something you can hold on to and perhaps build on. Once again, you've had years to realize whats going on in your life, she's only had a couple of months, she will need some time. I welcome you to this board, I hope that it helps you as much as it's helped me! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Thanks for the advice all. This is so hard. I just spoke to her on the phone. I wanted to tell her how bad I was feeling, how much what she is doing is hurting me. But I'm in the office and can't really talk right now. She's in SC trying to find a house and a job right now. In theory she has it all together but I know she's hurting inside and coping the best way she knows how.<P>She knows I don't want her to take the kids and move but she hopes that I will not make this difficult for her. She'll be home thurs instead of wed. the kids miss her just as bad as I do. How can I get her to listen to reason from the man who broke her heart. How can I stop this without making it seem like I'm trying to control her? Or should I just give up and let her go?<P>------------------<BR>Oh just SHOOT me!<BR>

Hi,<BR>What your wife is doing right now is self-preservation. To her, you are not a safe person to put her trust in. You need to stay faithful in being the new man that you are becoming. If she does leave, give her the child support without complaint, send her little notes about how much you miss her, but don't blame her for your unhappiness (she will feel that your unhappiness is self-imposed, unlike her's which you created for her.) The best arcticle that I have read is under the article section here. Go read "Why Women Leave Men" This is an excellent picture of what most marriages become without work from both parties.<P>I'm glad you are involved in a church. I hope that it is a good bible teaching church. If at all possible, find a man from the church that will be your accountability partner. The thing that I struggle with the most right now with my husband is that there is no one but me to keep him accountable and that is an overwhelming job for the wife. It is hard to ask the tough questions without lovebusting!<P>If you are serious about saving your marriage, get to work This sounds like it is going to be a long road, but if you follow the principles here, it is possible to develop a better marriage than you had. I know that you are new to church, but realize that God can give you the strength to travel this road and become the faithful, loving husband that your wife needs

Thank you again for this advice, lord knows I need it. So should I let her go? Should I help her move? That, I believe, would make her feel better but it would tear me to shreds. I don't even want to be there when she leaves. How should I behave to prevent lovebusters, any suggestions?<P>------------------<BR>Oh just SHOOT me!<BR>

Maybe she sould see that, even though it's tearing your guts out, you are willing to do the best thing for her, and that you have resolved to stand by her even though what she does is hurting you. I think if I was leaving and my husband showed up and helped me pack even though he disagreed with my decision it would show me that he cared for me that much. But you need to make the decision that is best for you. I would just keep trying to show her your love and maybe try (in a non-clutching way) to ask her if there is ANY way this could work out, anything she might want to see as a good sign. Good luck again, I pray for you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

I will do that,I really want her to stop running. But I don't want her to take my support of what she's doing as a sign that I don't want my family. Sometimes I just want to grab her and just shake her to get her to realize I'm sorry, I love the kids love her, lets just pull together and build from here.<P>But I know you can't force this, she's coping the best way she knows how. I'm coping the best way I know how, thats why I'm here. <P>I just can't stop feeling that I need to do something to prevent this from happening to our family.<P>------------------<BR>Oh just SHOOT me!<BR>

lost one<P>Check out the Web site, WWW.divorceasfriends.com<BR>I know you don't want a divorce and neither do I, but I read all the information on this site last night and it was of great help to me. Just wanted to share that with you and everyone else aboard.<P>OnceHappy<P>My wife has been running the last 4 1/2 years since my disclosure. I cant blame her for trying to run from all the pain I have caused her. She has tried continuos shopping to stop the pain, a year of playing the slot machines to escape and be in her own world, a year of reading romance novels daily, this for someone who does not like to read, but it was a means of excape. After both of us feeling stuck and thinking our marriage was no more than a marriage of convenience. My wife decided she needed a separation so she moved out and into her parents house. Our two adult children left home two years ago, so that has added to her feelings of Who am I now, shes lost her identity.<P>I moved out of the house so she could move back in and get away from her parents. Our two children have move home temporarily also. Now my wife is having a relationship with a man 10 years younger who is staying at the house. Our children are very upset, my daughter says that shes not my mother, not the mother I used to know.<P>Wife decided after one month of separation that she wanted a divorce.<BR>She has said the, I love you but not in love with you, a year ago after returning from a weekend away to excape.<P>My question is, is her current behavior all due to my disclosure of my past infidelity, or is she also experiencing a mid-life crisis? I know Dr. Harley doe not beleive in Mid-life crisis.<P>Pleas help someone. I am confused.<p>[This message has been edited by M Go BLUE (edited September 22, 1999).]