Oh my gosh, so much has happened since I last posted. I don't know where to begin so I will just say that for so long I wanted my H to come back to me and give OW up.....for over a year I tried to win him back. Now, with my divorce almost final, he is coming to me and begging to reconcile saying he has ended it with her and will do anything. The problem is that I have come to the point where I was at total peace with my decision to move on....there was no turning back for me....too much pain, too many lies, too many false hopes, too many times of reaching out to him and getting nothing in return. I have moved on.

When he begged me to come back, I was considering it....he had insisted his A was an EA only and I didn't really believe it, but I had no proof otherwise. I asked him to come clean and tell me the extent of it and he said they only kissed and that was after we had separated. I believed him because he was so sincere in saying he wanted to come home and would do anything for me, make me happy, go into counseling, whatever, he would do.

Then the next night (day after Christmas) I get a phone call from OW at 1:00 am. She is hysterical because he has dumped her. She says he has been playing us both and she wanted me to know the truth.....they have had a PA for 2 years!!! She told me so many things....things I had suspected all along and was made to feel like I was crazy for believing....and they were all true. The magnitude of the things she told me was HUGE!

So here I've gone from peaceful about getting a divorce, to considering taking him back, to finding all this CR#P out, and not being able to deal with it all. How do I get past this? How do I ever trust him? How do I ever let him touch me again? I don't want to. I want an end to this nightmare.....I don't want any more pain. I'm sickened by what he did....he saw my pain....near suicide a year ago....and he continued to hurt me anyway. I don't want him back. I don't think I could ever truly love him again. He let me suffer so much and led me to believe I was a terrible person, and made me think I was utterly crazy. I don't want him back. I want a fresh start....there's too much deceit.

Opinions please!

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 10:35 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]</small>

bump

OW called U to tell U the truth? Right. Some maybe but most to hurt him and ruin his chances with you.

Now even if you are headed for the D, let him know an unreliable and stinky source is spilling some fermented beans. Ask him if those beans have any smell of thruth to them.

Give him his other chance t/b clean. The fact that the OW called you is a sign that she is angry at him and now is your chance to find out what you need to know or feel you need to know. May not have this kind of opportunity again.

He may be having a reality check so tell him he has another chance to come clean...... ask him 3 years of PA (even though you know it c/b 2). Put a larger time parameter and see what he fesses up to.

As for the OW, expect her to tell you what will hurt you. She isn't interested in telling you the truth. She is interested in hurting him through you.

R U gonna let her?

L.

wontgiveupyet,

Remember OW is hurting and out of anger she is making sure that she hurt WH and hope you would dump him too. Don't fall into this trap.

Now ... if you beleive in MB, M could be restored and improved. If you want to Dv, it is your right to begin with. However if H is back not WH ... do you want it ?. as a bonus H is willing to work on MB to make sure that fulfillin M is possible. If you do you have to let WH earn his way to be H. Still let Dv rolling unless you are sure you get H back.

-rh-

I know she called me to ruin our chances of reconciling, no doubt. It was not about her trying to help me and come clean and beg my forgiveness...which she did.

My H already knows about it....we had a great big dirty confrontation. I was the calm one, the mediator. My H's face was sheet white when he knew that I knew the whole truth. He lost his chance to come clean....she beat him to the punch.

Nothing she told me hurt me. It was actually a relief to know that all my suspicions were right on the money every time....I wasn't insane afterall.

Orchid, I just don't think I can deal with the depth of his deceptions, the magnitude of it all, the lengths at which he went to deceive me....all the while watching me suffer for so long.

I finally don't hurt anymore. The only pain I feel is for my innocent son....the real loser in all this. But my son and I have been happy for the past 5 months on our own. He is happy because he has a strong, independent, confident, and happy mother. Not a mother who is wallowing in sadness and despair. My S told me that no matter what I decide to do, D or take him back, to know that he will be okay....he is 11 years old.

I will always love my H and care for him and I have truly forgiven him, but I don't think I can honestly love him in the way that I could have had he come clean sooner.....the pain runs too deep.

If you think there's a chance to save your marriage, could you have your attorney stall your final court date?

I was sort of in this situation 12 years ago. My now XH and I were separated due to a lengthy affair on his part, I had filed for DV, and then a couple months before it was final, he dumped his OW and begged me to take him back.

It took me a long time to decide to file on him, and at that time, like you, I really didn't think I wanted him back. I thought I hated him, as a matter of fact.

But he was very persuasive, and I did believe he had given up the OW (and he truly had), and he quit drinking (another of my stipulations).

So...I called the attorney and asked if we could postpone our final court date. She had it extended by 3 months. At the end of the 3 months, I still wasn't sure, so we did an additional 3 months. All this while I maintained my separate residence so that if things didn't work out, I'd not have to move again, but he spent most of his time at my place.

At the end of his 6-month "probation" we called off the DV. All in all, it probably cost just as much as if we'd gone though with it, except for the final filing fee.

I don't regret taking him back at that time. I regret not pushing get MC and to make sure he had some type of help for his alcoholism. We just sort of swept things under the rug. That was a mistake. I don't think our M ever healed properly and we never learned how to meet each other's needs. Had we have really pulled out all the stops and gotten our marriage really healthy (and him received professional help for his alcoholism) we probably still would be married today.

LL

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

I guess the problem is that I don't want to save it anymore. I don't want to "wait" and see anymore. And I honestly don't think I can ever let him touch me again....it would take so long to get over everything that he has done to me. I've gone through two years of being told I was crazy and paranoid. Actually, right up until Thanksgiving day I knew I had seen him drive by our house in her car....he was checking on me to see if I was there....and when I asked him about it he denied it and said he'd call her and see if it was her. Then he said, "No, she said she didn't." I began to believe that I was freaking crazy. Now she told me that it was them. How sick is that to let someone just believe their losing their sense of reality? That is only one instance of what has been done to my sanity....there are so many more. How do I get past that? I know I can't. I want out of this sordid relationship....I don't care what kind of a fog you are in. I was intentionally hurt and manipulated for two years. I'm done.

I'm waiting to speak to my priest before I make any final decision, but I'm pretty certain I will go through with the D.

It's a very tough situation when the WS starts coming to there senses this late in the game. My FWW did this and I was at the point that you are now. I really had decided I was done and was comfortable where I was emotionally.

Now that I am several more months removed from the situation my feelings have been softening. I am still comfortable with the idea of getting a D, but realize that if I could see a REAL change in my W that maybe I would be able to forgive and work on things. Time really does heal. You have just recently been hit with a lot of bad information. It is understandable that you feel the way you do.

I actually put my D proceedings on hold at first to try and work on our M. Then I had to restart them when it became obvious that my W was really not willing to do the things necessary to make me feel safe about working on our M. I didn't realize how much my own feelings were still in the way either. I was SO defensive and scared that it would have been very hard for my W to do enough to make me feel comfortable (she didn't even come close so it wasn't really an issue). If I had it to do over I would have continued on with the D just for the peace of mind it would have given me (having a set schedule for the kids,etc.). I know that it is considered risky to get a D because it gives some finality to the process, but it doesn't HAVE to be that way. Hope this helps in some way. GOOD LUCK!

OK, nid, you may not like what I'm about to say, and it may not be liked by others here.

Dump this creep.

Only kissed her?

Give me a friggin break!

That is not the humbleness of a truly humble man. It's the claim of a desperate, selfish man who is only interested in his own safety.

Proceed with the divorce and see what becomes of him then. If he gets cured, you can re-marry him.

For the record, full exposure 10 months ago would have created this situation then - when you still had something to build on.

WAT

Hey WAT, I've missed your no-nonsense advice. And I know your right about full exposure...I was just so intimidated to do it. Now everyone and their dog knows what he's done and he wants to come back.

It is good to hear that you think I'm doing the right thing by D him. I just want a healthy relationship with someone and I believe I have the tools now to build one....I will make someone a very happy man one day.....it just can't be my H. He opens up all my wounds that have healed so tightly....I don't want to go there anymore.

I even told him that if we proceed with the D, it doesn't mean that one day we wouldn't get back together. But I'm going to need to see a changed man. He needs to repair himself. I am going to let him fall all the way down....if I "rescue" him now by giving in, I don't think he do all the things he needs to do to become a healthy person.

He says that if I proceed with the D, then there is no turning back for him....that is his closed-mindedness shining through. That is a chance I am willing to take. I know, that I AM OKAY and my son is okay too. Our relationship has become even stronger than before. I feel good about how he is handling all this.

Anyway, any more feedback or perspectives on this is appreciated.

won'tgiveup -

I having been going through this for 2 years, and like you, don't want the creep back, which is just as well as he is still "not living" with OW. He has told nothing buy lies the whole time and has not admitted to anything. That is what most of them do.

However you have a son to consider. I think that changes things. I would put the divorce in neutral and give WH time to prove he can morph back into your husband. For me it would be a resting period to see if his actions match his words.

The WS is a tricky creature with a silver tongue. But I bet it won't take very long at all to see if he is willing to change. I imagine you will either see (or not) results in just a couple of weeks. Then you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did all you could.

My son is the reason I gave WH so many chances and forgave him so many times. During that period my s was unhappy because I was unhappy. Now my s sees me as strong and happy and he is doing really well. The other day when I told him his dad wanted to come back, I told him that I had not made a decision and I needed to know how he felt. He told me "I am good either way"!!!! He hasn't said this, but I know he is scared to let him back into our life for fear of seeing me go down the tubes again. He has seen that we can survive and be happy without him in the house. He sees his dad everyday when he takes him to school and they do things together. What he doesn't have to deal with is his mom and dad fighting with each other anymore. I don't want my s's example of a marriage to be like that anymore. And I know that if I let him come home, I will go through such torment dealing with the magnitude of what he has done to me that I won't be so strong and happy as I am now. That, I cannot do to my s.

My dear, I am not talking about letting him come home. That would have to wait until BY ACTIONS, he has proved that he has changed.

As far as getting over the horrible betrayal - you will have to work through that either way. It took me a whole year not to hate and be disgusted by WH's actions, and I'm still working on it. So one way or another, you will be dealing with that.

Divorce is a viable option.

You can choose divorce with a free conscience.

This begging for a second chance at the 12th hour .... but continuing to tell lies ..... is pathetic.

If you choose divorce ... make it your business to co-parent your son in the most amicable way possible. SEE how cooperative and humble your XH behaves as a co-parent.... You are free to re-marry if your XH becomes a model citizen.

The ball is in YOUR court.

You are not being mean or cruel if you choose divorce. You have earned the right to that choice, in my opinion.

Pep

I'm with WAT. You can always remarry. See, thing is, after 2.5 years of recovery, and most of it with a very repentant FWH who ended the affair on d-day, it has still taken me this long to really feel like it is all behind us. And even that is not quite true, and I believe it will never be truly "gone," though I hope I am wrong.

I could have never given him the chance if he'd chosen her over me, moved out, and lied right up to the 11th hour and put the blame on me being paranoid and crazy as a matter of course.

Proceed to D. If he really wants his family back a little thing like a divorce won't stop him. He'll try to win you back. Chances are though, once you tell him you won't set it aside, he'll go back to OW with his tail between his legs.

Your son is happy and stable. You are confident and strong. Your WH is miserable. OW is miserable. Oh, well. Sucks to be them, eh?

~ Snow

Believer, yes, sorry I did understand that you weren't talking about letting him come home right away. But as far as waiting and seeing if he changes, I've done all the waiting I am willing to do. My life has been in limbo for a year and a half....I've been deceived for 2 years. I just want to end this nightmare. I am in a peaceful place now, lonely yes, but so at peace.....I want to stay there. Its taken so long to get where I am.

As I said before, I harbor no anger, bitterness,or unforgiveness anymore. THAT is why I am at peace. I don't look at him and hate him....instead I feel sadness for him because I can't make him better now. As long as I don't have to deal with him touching me, I feel no disgust. Its when he wants to get close to me that I can't accept it. I can D him and remain his friend with no ill feelings. It is just unfortunate and sad for all involved I suppose.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are not being mean or cruel if you choose divorce. You have earned the right to that choice, in my opinion.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Pep. I hesitated coming back to MB because I thought everyone would say "Take him back". I'm trying to be realistic about my feelings for him. Oh yeah, it would be so easy to take him back for my S and for financial reasons (he makes a lot of $), but could I love him the way he wants me to, the way I want to? I think not. I just can't get past how cruel he was to me, how he belittled and judged me for so long, and all the while he was doing what he was doing. I'm just trying to be honest. For me, the easier thing to do would be to take him back. Divorcing him is the hardest decision of my life. It actually breaks my heart to turn my back on him.....but I know I just can't love him again.....not now.....not anytime soon. And I refuse to put my life on hold anymore.

We will support you whatever you decide. I know how you feel. My WH still insists he and OW are not living together. What a joke. He is just a pathetic loser to me. And I went through all of the feelings of being crazy - and him telling everyone I was crazy and there was no OW. Now I just laugh.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I even told him that if we proceed with the D, it doesn't mean that one day we wouldn't get back together. But I'm going to need to see a changed man. He needs to repair himself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are almost the exact words I told my XH this time around, when I chose to file. And he even agreed...said "You never know what might happen in the future."

However....what has happened as far as I can tell, is that he decided doing the work to change (in his case giving up OW and ending his drinking and getting help) was too much to ask, and he has given the OW an engagement ring recently.

So I think in our case, and in most cases, one needs to think of DV as permanent.

But I agree totally with the others who say you are doing nothing wrong by DV him. You have waited and watched and agonized, and you're done. I only suggested stalling the final court date as an option if you were interested, because I know it can be done.

I was nervous about posting on MB (at least in GQII) once I decided to file, because I knew I didn't follow MB principles completely. I never did a successful Plan B, AND I gave up before the magic "2 year" mark of the affair.

But the more thing that happen and the more I watch my XH from a distance, the more I believe I made the right choice for me.

Make the right choice for you!

LL

Hello,

It sounds like your decision is made. I can tell from what you have written that you are indeed finished with this relationship. You are not filled with anger, you are not raging about you WH about the OW, etc. You are indifferent to him at this point, and that is what people feel when they truly ready for divorce.

Make sure you get at an equitable settlement and keep this ability that you seem to have to interact with your SBXH in a polite manner . . . it will make things easier on your son. Finally, I don't think he needs another round of this drama in his life. He is fine the way things are, with Dad living somewhere else. I wouldn't advise changing that. Some marriages shouldn’t be saved, yours may be one of them.

Thanks LL. I am looking at D as final, but also seeing as we are going to be connected for life because of our son, you never know what the future would hold. I'm just trying to keep an open mind. Many people have told me of people re-marrying after D. Of course, if I have someone else in my life that won't happen. But if the two of us tire of the dating scene and we have become friends, who knows, right? I am in no way counting on that....I don't even desire that....my mind is just open to any possibility.

I wish I had a party to go to tonight! All my close friends are happily married and doing "couple" things. I want to have some fun in my new found peaceful place!!!