Christmas is over and WH has disappeared off the face of the earth. Thank you everybody who helped me to mentally prepare for this eventuality.

I have no regrets that WH was around for Christmas. It made the kids and his parents happy. It was really no skin off my nose. His presence allowed everybody to observe him quite closely. The words were right but the actions were "slippery". Everyone noticed that. I can see him in a few years, shambling into a family dinner as a guest because he didn't have anywhere else to go. It wouldn't have been much different.

Last Saturday, he came for Christmas. Sunday, we went out for our anniversary. Monday, we went to his parents to see his brother...in separate cars. Tuesday was MC. Wednesday, we went to a basketball game and he took our daughter back to his apartment to sleepover. (At her insistence.) On Thursday, he dumped DD off at the house in the morning and had a not-very-successful lunch with our son. Each night he returned "home" to his empty apartment and secret life.

Since then, he's been AWOL. No call to wish the kids or his parents a Happy New Year. No goodbye to our son who went back to school or his brother and wife who flew home. He had tickets to take DD to another basketball game this afternoon. He never call, never came over. I took her to the game. You can imagine how she feels. She refused to even call him to remind him about the game. Maybe he's lying in a coma in a hospital but you'd think the hospital would probably notify us. I'm not even going to try and contact him.

So, you warned me and I guess it's Plan B now. I'm glad I didn't invest too heavily in the Christmas recovery.

Carol:

Not a single soul here is going to tell you "I told you so" or gloat "that they were right". I am sorry for your pain and having to start the new year like this. You can and WILL survive this.

LM

Don't worry about him. I can guarantee you that if he was in the hospital, you would have heard from him (or the hospital). He is definately with OW.

I don't necessarily think you need to do PLAN B yet. STRONG PLAN A then PLAN B. How long were you in PLAN A?

I mainly disagreed with the POV of your counselor. Although in PLAN A, it is not OK to be accepting of the A.

I am happily in recovery with my FWH and he, like your WH, would do the AWOLs with the OW.

Finish your PLAN A before doing PLAN B would be my recommendation. That means no LBing when he comes in. This behavior of going off with the OW was to be expected. He is not finished with her yet but he will be. It has no way of lasting unless you continue to enable the A. I'm not saying I told you so.

I've lived through exactly what you are going through. It's all part of a script. I'm a few years ahead of you. That's all! I was exactly in your position. Believe me. You are not alone. I truly understand.

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I know that too. I really don't feel pain, just a lot of disappointment and sorrow. I feel bad for our kids caught in this mess. They feel abandoned.

Actually, it's better this way. WH has shown his betraying colors. My inlaws spent a lot of time hoping and praying and telling me to look for the little signs of love. When he doesn't call, doesn't show up when he promises, everybody sees these little signs and they certainly aren't love.

Yes, I'm quite sure he's with OW. I'm not tearing myself up about it. I've had to disengage to stay sane. That's what Plan B is about, right? I'm not driving by his place. I'm not calling. Just staying dark.

Thanks for not gloating, not that I ever thought you folks would. I appreciate different points of view. I felt informed and able to protect myself. A balance of optimism and pestimism is good.

I was posting at the same time you were. Read my post ahead of yours.

I guess I don't really know what Plan I'm in. I try to be pleasant when we're together. I do the best I can at being attractive. Our house still isn't particularly clean but it's hard with 5 people home for Christmas. I've been nice to him and his parents. I haven't gotten angry. I've asked a few rough questions, like just where does it stand with you and OW? I do my best not to LB.

Our lives kind of run in tandem. There are things we have to talk about like money and kids. We can be pleasant on that level. I just don't want to be with a cakeeater and fencesitter. My main message is that we can't work on our marriage until she is out of our lives. Fair enough? What plan does that put me in?

My husband has been AWOL with the OW since Thursday. Haven't heard anything from him and he has his cell turned off since he left.

I totally relate to how you feel. My thoughts and prayers go out to you tonight.

I don't know if WH's cell phone is off or not. I've just made the decision NOT to call. My MIL emailed me and said that WH's dad is trying to reach him but only get a message.

If he can't call us, why should we call him?

No one should be gloating Carol because what you did was the RIGHT thing to do in Plan A.

No one should say I told you so, because no one should have told you NOT to do Christmas with your husband while you are in Plan A.

Doing the RIGHT thing does not necessarily mean the outcome is what you want.

After all that time with you, I'll betcha 10 bucks thats his lil smarmy OW was ticked off abotu all the time he had to spend with you, and demanding his time and attention. In fact his disappearance is pretty predictable.

Let her LB, and let him scramble to appease. You provided a very nice contrast for him to remember.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> guess I don't really know what Plan I'm in </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not decide on YOUR PLAN ? It will help you survive this. Regardless of the outcome, developing YOUR PLAN to be the best Carole that you can be, will help YOU to end up as A WINNER!!

I asked my FWH at some point during our recovery, "What if you leave me again after all of this?" His response was, "At least you will be able to say that YOU (that's me) did everything that you could possibly do for yourself and the marriage". He was indicating his respect for ME AND MY PLAN. That's true. I am able to hold my head up now and know that I did my part. I did not sit back and let things happen to me. I had options and I made deliberate choices. My FWH was not in control. I was._

My plan right now is to stay pleasant but detached. We will see if he decides to come to our MC appointment tomorrow. I'm going to do my best not to come across as angry at his AWOL. I can say that our kids are angry, disappointed and sad. That is very true. I've told him before that when he's not with us, I just assume he is with OW. (I find this assumption takes a lot of the rollercoaster uncertainity out of my life. Instead of spending time and energy wondering if he is with OW, deciding he is with her is calming and smoothes out the hills and valleys.)

Today, I need to get everybody off to school and start getting rid of the ghost of Christmas past. One day at a time.

Still, it should be amusing to hear WH try to explain the weekend away...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Still, it should be amusing to hear WH try to explain the weekend away...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I mean,Carole. You do not really mean that you will find this amusing, do you? What a waste of your time and effort to go to MC to hear this. He may know that your response will be blase. There are steps that you can personally take to stop this. You do not have to be passive in this. You can decide what your agenda for the session will be.

What were thoughts about the session with Steve Harley?


I meant, What is YOUR PLAN according to the MB SYSTEM. It sounds like PLAN A. So if it is, what are you personally working on in this plan?

Mimi, I'm working on anger. Being pleasant and cooperative to WH on the phone and in person. Trying to look nice. Cooking nice meals. Trying with great difficulty to keep my house clean. (Although, you can guess who didn't help with dishes at Christmas nor put away his gift packagings...) I make opportunities for us to do things together. I inform him of activities with kids and his family. Talk to him about things we could do. I've confronted the OW. I've exposed. I've told him that this is something that really hurts me. I tell him that I love him and always will. I try not to LB.

Does that sound like Plan A? I have not made progress on SH counseling. Mostly because I haven't seen or talk to WH since I began thinking about doing it.

I'm afraid I will probably not be blase at MC, if indeed he shows up. At this point, he has disappeared from view. Damage control with the kids has not been fun. MC counseling has never been a waste. I don't always say a lot but it's very interested to look inside his head as he speaks. I believe I've often been the one who talked the most in our marriage. When I shut up at MC, he starts talking. Our counselor is good at gently but insistently probing him. I can only hope that in time, he remembers sounding as silly as he does.

At every session, I am very clear that he needs to stop seeing OW before we can work on our marriage.

I'd be happy for more details about the steps your talking about.

Please look at my next thread about calling.

Carole:

Have you read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR? Have you studied the HARLEY's PRINCIPLES?

There are a few important points that I don't hear you addressing. Such as, What are your WH's primary ENs? What created the climate for his A? What ENs are the OW meeting?

Also, the Harleys focus on the ADDICTIVE NATURE of an A and on how WS have to go COLD TURKEY.

Trying to figure out your WS' issues in therapy might be helpful and informative. However, it will not bring an end to his A. Until the A is ended, you will not have a marriage and he will not be your H.

You can schedule a session with Steve Harley without discussing this with your WH. I'm recommending this session for yourself!!!

Carol....its hard to know what to do. You and I keep doing the things we "think" should make a difference, and when it doesn't we get hurt, angry, discouraged. I don't know the answer, I am tired of trying to read minds, meet needs, stay strong. Maybe his AWOL is really about him needing time to think. Today is my first day of not contacting my WH, and I have no doubt he will be AWOL from me and the kids. Unfortunately I will likely run into him at the gym unless I make an effort to go at another time. I am not sure if I should ignore him or what.

A lot of people here seem to be saying that sometimes WS's need to have nothing coming their way to really connect with their feelings. Do I understand that? No...Do I understand any of this?? No. But the way I see it. I can divorce him, be without him and in pain for some time, OR
not divorce him, be without him and in pain for some time with the slight chance that the good fairy of love and marriage will come to him in his sleep and turn him into a "real" husband.
Sorry for the sarcasm, but reality is that the second choice although remote, is somewhat more hopeful than the first.

I have been trying to figure out WH's EN for some time. He's had the EN questionaire for over a month and has never filled it out. I asked him in our round robin letter what he gets from OW. As to what caused the A, well, for one thing, his inability to draw a boundary between work and home meaning his insane working hours at his office, making conference calls from home and hours late at night answering emails. We have drifted apart but he's the one who drifted away from everybody. Part of it also is that he has a difficult time being honest, forthcoming and involved. When he was thrown together with a divorced co-worker on an extended business trip, he suddenly found love. Once there was somebody else behind Door #2, he left us. Exit affair? A stage? A cry for help?

I do think he needs some time alone to reflect on things. To sort out his "confusion". I'm just pretty sure he probably isn't alone. He knows that I feel the A is an addiction and needs to be cut off cold turkey. He's the one who needs to do that. It's hard to figure anything out when he tells people what he thinks they want to hear and then does something else.

I have a very dry sense of humor and I do find the things that come out of his mouth amusing. The ability to laugh at things is one of the strengths that have gotten me through so far. It's either laugh or cry and they are both so close together.

I'll think more on the SH thing.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: HurtingCarol ]</small>

Carole,

You are focusing in a lot on him. What do you need to change? What do you think his primary ENs are? We have to accept the part that we have played in this. Yes, him having an A is wrong and is never acceptable. However, how did the "CLEAN-UP WOMAN" get access to him?

My FWH never filled out the questionnaires either. He was in a fog. He wanted to continue his A. He did not want to end it. It's your job to figure this out if he doesn't tell you. If you don't know him well enough to answer what his ENs are, doesn't that tell you something? Start meeting as many of his ENs as possible then. Believe me, he is not out there alone trying to figure himself out. He is out there getting his needs met by her.

Mimi... Not to sure if HC's WH is getting his needs met by the OW, unless his needs are butterflies, dancing flowers, and no responsibilities, no obligations. My WH says he is trying to figure out why he sought out an EA, says he an't promise me it won't happen again until he can understand it himself.

Disillusioned spouses may not have a clue what their EN's are after years of marriage, just that they aren't happy and that twitterpayted feeling the OS gives them makes that unhappiness go away.
Ask most WS what it is about the OP and they won't know. I think it is just a reality check that comes with most midlife affairs. Some people can work through that reality without going outside of the marriage vows because it means something to them. Some people are just too selfish.

I am trying to meet the EN's I think will make my WH happy, but I may be way off. Does that tell me something? Sure...my H and I have never reached the level of intimacy required to sustain a healthy marriage. I have been waiting in the middle of the road for years. He never met me there...just knocked me on my a** and kept driving. I don't think HC and I should sell our soul to stay married to people like that, but it is not in our nature to turn our backs either.

Carol,

There are two kinds of pressures that can make a marriage vulnerable to an affair...internal and external. My H's job put huge external pressures on our marriage. When I showed up here....everyone wanted to know...what did you do to make your marriage vulnerable...and truthfully...I was great wife!! We just NEVER saw each other, and H had some pretty huge "entitlement" issues! If I had some culpability it was that I didn't speak up and fight for more TIME for our marriage....I let his career keep him away from this family by not inforcing good boundaries.

I think the Plan A you're doing sounds very good. I'll be interested to see if he shows up to MC today. You're a class act chere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />