Many times we see posters saying that they never suspected an affair was going on. I too never suspected until right before d day. Let's say my H never gave up contact with the OW (I firmly believe he did), but what if he didn't. She might think I was a fool for not knowing, but how would I know? It is so easy for the affair partner to think that the BS would know, but really-if they were such good liars how would we know? I am interested in the opionion of BS who had a d day long after the initial one. I believe that you could hide an affair if you were really careful.

From one jersey to another...I'm right with you on this. I think I've posted a time or two about it. My lack of belief in the NC letter.

I think any A can be hidden, and I also believe that given the right circumstances, an OW/OM that would accept whatever breadcrumbs they receive, would lie and accept the NC letter, knowing after things cooled down...WS would be back into the A..even if time was limited.

I think it's all about the person...if they really WANT to continue the double life..they'll find a way. Hell..some people don't even have to hide it.

IMHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> think it's all about the person...if they really WANT to continue the double life..they'll find a way. Hell..some people don't even have to hide it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is oh so true BIJ. After my H's first dday I thought it was over as we were in MC and things were going a little better. Then I started to suspect the A was back on but he convinced me I was imagining things! Little did I know that was when things really heated up between them!

And to be fair to my H, I did such a good job of covering for myself that my H had no idea I was having an A.

**edited to add** I wish now that he had really pressed for information because I do believe (well I like to believe)that I would have given FOM up to stay in my M.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 08:45 AM: Message edited by: faithful follower ]</small>

Good Question. Believing in NC is the first step of trust for the WS and what a leap!

For me...I knew about the affair before he told me. I knew without finding letters, knew without finding cell records, etc. How? He kissed me different. Of course my h had been away for six weeks so it's not like I had time to get used to this new kissing style over a period of time which might have made a difference. But as soon as he came home and kissed me, I knew. As far as contact afterwards (I never knew about the concept of NC at the time)...I would ask him every once in a while if he'd heard from her and he always fessed up. I certainly believe that if he had wanted to continue the affair he could've in some way without me knowing. But...the kiss...not sure he could hide that.

I think that anyone who is hellbent on an affair can do it. But the thing to remember also is that the BS is much more vigilant and it will be harder to continue the affair.

All I can say about this is that if my husband still was/is having an affair, OW isn't getting much of him.

We spend so much time together and our sex-life goes over board.

We do alot of things together and we laugh alot with each other. I try my best to fullfill my husbands needs and he's doing a great job fulfilling mine.

So in my situation, if my husbands is still having an affair, OW is getting "crap" from his side.
If it's that what she needs and wants.........she can have it because I'm not "missing out" on anything! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Also if my husband would need that, then he can "have it" because it would be a heck of alot of pressure he'd be putting himself through and if it that what he needs then it's up to him. He has to live with that and he's the one that must live with himself feeling like a "turd"!

I too believe you can hide an affair when you are carefull but this hardly lasts forever.........
it can be terribly exhausting and I'm sure "my" husband "wouldn't" be able to "keep up" with this for all that long mostly when he's getting "so much" from me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'd definately know when it comes to "sex"!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........I hope my answer counts too because I have only had "one" d-d and "so far" not anymore. (thank godness) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bb

Oddly enough....I was going to ask this same question right now!

How can we trust? My wife's line is always: "why don't you have faith in me?"

That is right out of the book!

My response to myself "well duhhh!!!!,, why do you think."

My response to her: "I'm trying."

In the end. I doubt everything. I trust NOTHING.
I am paranoid.
I am one sick puppy in that respect.

I just found out my partner has been running around on me and im not happy

Daveyboy,

Have you started your own thread on just found out yet? That is the best way to start. Welcome to MB. Sorry you are in pain. Are you married to your partner?

no not married, but we have talked about it, it was in the plans

I did notice minimal changes before d day, but I never thought he would have an affair. He never saw her again, but reading many posts I see that many times the affair goes way underground. How would a wife know. We too have sex just about every day. He is committed and I cannot imagine an OW staying around for crumbs even if he wanted some cake, but I guess some might recontact after a period of time. I was reading another board and the OW were talking about how the wife must know or how stupid she must be to not know, but I think until you are the BS, you cannot imagine. I believe that at times the WS and OP could cover up an affair. I wish the people involved in the affair would just come clean with the BS, but I guess they are afraid to loose the crumbs that they get in the hopes of "winning" the MM/MW over time. Thanks guys!

Hi Dave-so sorry for your pain. Read the general welcome and start by knowing each others emotional needs. If you are not married and there are no children involved, you may want to take a long look at this relationship and consider premarital counseling. Where there is smoke, there is fire. It doesn't mean it won't work out, it just means you need to look into it further.

7

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:48 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

NJ,

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU ETC., ETC.

Once Dday hit, I saw my FWW much differently and paid much more attention to EVERYTHING!!

Her demeanor, the phone bill, her purse, her pockets, her email, her actions, her speech, the subjects of conversation, her body language when we are alone and out socially. I paid much more attention to HER!

I tuned into her. Something that had not been done in over 10 years of our marriage.

I asked her "How ya doin?" "How do you feel?" and I listened to her reply.

If she is still in contact then I am blind!

I was blind before. She carried on a 2 and 1/2 year A...AND I KNEW NOTHING!! No perception at all. Wrapped up in myself and my feelings.

Poor, poor pityful me.

If your spouse is living at home and you have daily access to him/her, and you have access to all emails, passwords, and cell phone bills, then you should know.

And if you spouse is still carrying on the A, then you have totally go Lemonman.

k

Daveyboy,

How can you be a new dude when your member # is 9003? Your an old timer, are you not?

k

He was here a few years ago and left.

Yea K, his life is an open book, just wondered what others thought because I saw wives being bashed for not knowing it was going on-I agree, if someone could keep an affair going like that I'd be surprised.