hi every one ,, i have been lurking here for almost a year now .
my wife left me and our 2 young daughters in febuary 04 . it has been a long stressful year , but i am getting better ,
when the wife left it was a total shock to me .
she was obviously having an affair and i have phone records to prove it , but she still denies this and says she met the om after she seperated from me.

we have been together for 13 years , i met her when she was 19 and i was 25 .
she had her first daughter within 12 months and her second daughter 4 years later .
she is 31 now , that is why i think this maybe some type of mlc.
the wife has never really had any other relationships prior to me .. there was no abuse of any kind , only some trust isues because i always felt that she had this feeling of missing out on some thing..

when she first left she had very minimal contact with our daughters ,, but over the last several months she is making more of an effort ,, she has our daughters 3 nights a week now...

i honestly thought that the grass would have changed colour now ,, and because this started as an affair that it would have run its course ..

we still do not argue and we really havnt had a large fight over her behaviour..

i still do love her and miss her dearly , and i feel sorry for my daughters .. in my case the grass must be greener and the om , must be doing some thing right ,,, all i know is that she had no real reason to run from her family ,, and that one day i think she will regret it ..

the om is so totally out of character for her ,, he has a menial job and he is covered in full sleeve tattoos ...

could this be a mid life crisis at 31

any ideas

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by colboy:
<strong>could this be a mid life crisis at 31 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you excusing her selfish behaviour ?
What have you learned in 1 year ?

If you are long time lurker ... I hope you employed plan A then when you are ready you should do plan B. Otherwise you just enabeling her A.

-rh-

i dont contact the wife ,, she usually contacts me ,, and it is usually about kids ,, finances etc ,,,i dont want to make an enemy of her and i dont want to press her buttons ,, even though she was the one that left ,, she could try and use the kids against me ,, most cases the woman ends up with the kids..
we have not done any thing legally ,, we negotiate between our selves .
is it possible that she really does love this om

i think it is more to the point that now she has no responsibilities except to be a part time mum 3 times a week

she was always very immature

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by colboy:
<strong> most cases the woman ends up with the kids..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you filed separation when you have your kids 100% you will get it. It is a mythical. I got 70% and the 30% b/c I still have hope that we could patch M (big mistake). Kids will be awarded to the best parent for the custody of the kids.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>is it possible that she really does love this om </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is in-love w/ OM ... does she love him ?, love is a choice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>i think it is more to the point that now she has no responsibilities except to be a part time mum 3 times a week</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you let this slezee guy help raise your 2 young D ?.

You have not answer my question ... what have you learn in 1 year ? What is your plan A ... do you have time frame for plan B ?.

-rh-

i have been working on my self for the last 12 months ,, i have tried not to love bust , because i realy thought her affair would run its course .
i wanted to be in a better position to talk to her when it did .
there is no point in trying to fix fings while the affair is in full blown mode .

she has introduced the om to her family , and it just doesnt seem to be wearing off..

i know she has had arguments with this man ,,she told me ,, just like our arguments she said ..

i once saw bruises on her also ,but she said that the doctor told her they were from a virus ?????

i just dont know what to do any longer ,,
may be this om is a good guy and is looking after her ,, but as i said she had no reason to run ,,only to try different grass..i must also admit that just before she left me she was hanging around an idiot girl who has no morals and that she was using drugs like ecsatacy and speed ,,even this was totally out of character for her

may be she just out grew me ,, choices you make at 19 are not what you want at 31..
i have always done the right thing by her , we own 2 houses . cars . assets. etc the om is 2 years younger than her and owns nothing ..

she was always a good dedicated mother ,, now she has completely changed ,, it is like she has flipped out ..

the statistics say that her affair probably wont last ,, but my patience is getting the better of me ,,,,,,,surly the newness and every thing should have worn off now......

then who knows she may have really met a really nice guy ..before she seperated from me

Colboy, I'm sorry for your situation and I don't have a lot to add but I have to say that I've seen a lot of guys on here mention mlc's at 30. 30 is not mid life.

I'm 50 and had the genuine article at 45. At 50 you are part of the sandwich generation - caught between aging/dying parents and adult children. You work with people who are much younger than yourself. It's when you look back over half a lifetime and see what you have done, haven't done and have left it too late to do. Although I don't believe it's ever too late to pursue anything (and I mean wholesome, good, life enriching things.)

That, by the way, is no way excusing my, or anyone else's actions. I just don't think people realise the difference between 30 and 50.


Jen

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

i nootice that most stats give this relationship any where between 6 months and 2 years .. i have not gone off at her much because i dont want to love bust ,,at first i did mention divorce and her reply to me was .......who said any thing about a divorce .........

then several months later i brought it up again and she replied ..........look i am not the one pushing for a divorce ........so i dont know what to think..

does any other fww who has been in this type of position know what she is thinking,,,,,and did you think your affair was true love and did it wear off and is this still an affair or a new life and relationship for her...

when she left it was the old ,,,i love you but not in love speach,,
and that we met too young ..
i personally dont think she has a future with the new om ,, i know this girl she is immature , and gets bored easily ,, and always looking for attention,,,
i must have done something right to last 13 years

colboy,

Making your self better is not the sole purpose of plan A, it is secondary benefit. The main goal of plan A is to stop A ... how is it working for you ?. If she acknowledged your changes due to plan A ... you have nothing to do anymore. One MBer wrote "pain is given but misery is optional". You are much better to stay in plan B after you made the changes, no LB, exposure of A and WW still w/ OM.

At one point you have to make decision ... she definitly cake eating and you are enabling it.

The sooner the better before your taker start flipped on you.

JMVHO. -rh-

My FWW hit forty and changed utterly. Binned a minivan for a stupid turbo sportcar with hardly any rear seats, trained hard to wear MUCH younger clothes, started listening to chart music again, threw herself into anything that wasn't motherly or wifely....had an affair... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

We have talked about this - she HATES being forty - getting old HATES it. Can't help it.

Sounds like a MLC to me.
i just bought a little sports car FFS !!!!

Colby, I'm sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same situation, sorta... My now ex WW, sounds exactly like yours. She left to be with OM, who is also totally out of character for her. Left her 2 daughters behind. I probably did everything wrong and I finally pretty much gave up hope. I know she cannot live with OM. She tried this and it took her over a year to figure this out, but for some reason, OM still has a hold on her. She now lives by herself and has recently begun to be a better mother to her girls. I still have some sort of hope that some day OM will find a girlfriend and ex WW will eventually come out of the fog. I hope you listen to the other posters here. There is a lot of experience on this site. If you follow the principles, plan A, Plan B, etc., your marriage still has a chance. Just know that almost all affairs end, are you ready to wait that long? I wish you the best in the new year. Take care and keep posting. I know posting here has helped me trememdously...

how do you do plan b when i have to talk to her about kids etc ,,and to tell the truth i still do enjoy talking to her even if it is only breif....

how do you not love bust with out letting them eat cake also ..
so confused

how do you do plan b when i have to talk to her about kids etc ,,and to tell the truth i still do enjoy talking to her even if it is only breif....

how do you not love bust with out letting them eat cake also ..
so confused

colboy

first thing is that you have completely misunderstood Plan A - its not about improvong yourself its about ending the A via showing your W you can meet her EN's and by doing so many times you improve yourselve because you are learning how to do this and maintain this.
Plan A has boundaries, going to MC, not talking about OM, not denigrating you etc etc a whole lot of things that YOU want in place to ensure you retain respect and are not walked all over.

Unfortuanetly you have been walked over.

Due to your WW living with the OM for 1 year its time for Plan B.
How do you plan B with her living with OM?
Ok here are some suggestions......
day to day queries you get a third person to hand the messages to you and for you to her..no direct contact.
Same for the kids.... you should have her COLLECT them or you drop them off WITHOUT contact with her at all - don't wave, dont respond to hello's NOTHING.
In emergencies of course you contact directly, but real emergencies like kids sick, car accident etc etc, not car broken down can you fix stuff ok???

Now divorce,

in your situation it's a reasonable response though I dislke saying it. However some marriages cannot be saved.
Now I don't know if yours is one of these but you should be exploring this option NOW.

You need to see a lawyer to
1] protect your kids - what do you know of this om - has he a criminal record etc etc you may need to have a search done on him;

2] protect your assets for your kids - is a family trust a way to protect them for your kids so OM can't get his hands on them through your WW??

3] can you use evidence of adultery to get 100% child custody or ask for WW access under supervision due to OM character and WW behaviour??? Some states in US do this so find out.

Once you have gone into Plan B - full no contact and then seen a lawyer, you should find out what the first move is.... eg write to your WW re divorce via your lawyer for response on your claims etc. .... this is a very good wake up call to your WW and after 1 year with OM she should be forced off the fence - no more cake walking - either seriously want to work on M or go off with OM.

From your posts I think you need to know for your own sanity and for moving on with your life. Either with your wife or without her, but keep going like it is and then you will be such a mess soon that you will be no good for your kids..... and they must come first!!
What Are Plan A and Plan B?


here is some sample Plan b letters
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428

Letter 10 is maybe close to what you want????

well all the best and ask questions if you need too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by colboy:
<strong> i dont contact the wife ,, she usually contacts me ,, and it is usually about kids ,, finances etc ,,,i dont want to make an enemy of her and i dont want to press her buttons ,, even though she was the one that left ,, she could try and use the kids against me ,, most cases the woman ends up with the kids..
we have not done any thing legally ,, we negotiate between our selves .
is it possible that she really does love this om

i think it is more to the point that now she has no responsibilities except to be a part time mum 3 times a week

she was always very immature </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Colby,
It's just this type of thinking that ENABLES poor treatment and low-self esteem. I took a break from this site partly because TOO MANY beautiful, warm people were willfully allowing others to walk all over them in efforts to save their marriages.

What about your DIGNITY?
What about your Self-Esteem?
What about your own RIGHTS as a H and Father?
What about the consequences she should face based on the poor, selfish decisions she has made???

What about those things friend?

Please do not degrade yourself by foregoing your own emotional well-being in hopes to stay in the good graces of a cheater who willfully neglects her children to pursue her lurid A.

Do you realize she is SLEEPING with another man every night?

This situation cannot be healthy for you as a PERSON or your children. DEMAND a life!

You deserve a life and someone who will care for you and protect your heart, not someone who slips into Steel Toe Combat Boots and Jumps Up and Down on Your Emotions.

Your W doesNOT have the right to TORTURE you and you doNOT have the right to ALLOW your CHILDRENS father be treated so uncaringly.

Think about that.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

the wife called today to say hello to daughter.
i asked her how work was and she said that she was sick of work..our conversation was pleasant enough,,,,,she said she wants to retire ,, she is 31 years old ,, i said i told you to retire 2 years ago ,, her reply was ,,,,,how were we supposed to do that paying off 2 houses etc,,,
i replied we could have adjusted ,,, i have adjusted now by only having 1 income ..
she then said i will see you in the morning..
that is when she is picking up our daughters

colboy you need to separate yourself from her 'support' group ok??

You are enabling her affair by talking to her like this.

Polite and short is what you need to be NOTHING else!!

When she rings re kids KEEP to subject..she says picking them up at xxxx you say ok thankyou goodbye. HANG UP!!!

As long as YOU are there to support her WHY should she come back.... she gets sex from OM, lives with OM & complains and moans to you looking for and whats worse GETTING sympathy and support.

So get onto PLAN B asap colboy.

colboy,

do you read the reply you 've got ?. Any comment ?.

At this rate, you will snapped like her and don't want her no more.

-rh-

i think it would be worse for the kids if i went to plan b ,, they need to know that there parents can be civil and communicative with each other ...
dont get me wrong ,, i am still very angry about all that has happened ,, but i can not show her that anger because that would love bust,,
and i do like to speak to her ,,, and she has told her family and friends that i am still nice to her ,,, so my plan is that when and if her affair does run its course , she will remember that i didnt love bust her and that i could still be civil

Have you read 'Surviving an Affair'? If you want the principles of this site and the book to work, you have to do exactly what they say. Plan B is not only to stop you from enabling the affair but also taking you away from the situation so you don't lose love for your WS. Have you written a plan B letter? Have you thought about plan B? You know, I tried reinventing the wheel thinking that my WW was different from others on this site, but I found out how very much alike she was. Don't assume that your WW is different from others on here, she's not. All waywards are exactly the same, don't kid yourself...

You are enabling her by continuous contact. Write a plan b letter, let someone else deliver it, go dark... Its tough at first but gets a little easier as time goes by. Had I done all the correct things, I may have been able to salvage my marriage, but like I said, I thought my ex WW was different and I could do things different. It didn't work. Listen to Redhat and the others. They've been there. I've been there. If nothing else, you can at least save your sanity... Keep posting. You have the greatest support right here...

colboy plan B is not about anger...not at all. You really have the wrong idea of plan A and plan B, its probably why it has not worked.

Plan B is to protect YOUR love for her thats what it is for.

YOU treat her with respect but you DO NOT support her. I sorry to say colboy that if you are waiting for the affair to end then what you are doing is ensuring it wont!!! She has already been with him for one year for goodness sakes, living with him.
Stop kidding yourself colboy, your M is all but over UNLESS you start being more than a floor mat.

Please understand, this info is from the bitter exprience of many here, on my side from inflicting it on my H, so dont think we dont understand, we do unfortunately. And remember this, you have been getting the same advice from both betrayed spouses like you, and former WW like your wife.

In both Plan A & plan B you DO NOT support her affair, thats the reason you expose in plan A to end the affair. THATS what it is about, to end the affair.
As for your kids, dont think they are stupid. THEY know whats been happening, but you are giving the message that it is ok to treat a spouse like this. Explain that you are limiting your contact with their mom to protect yourself and your love, they will understand it dont think they wont, even at a young age they understand.
You still ensure they talk to mom, all the rest, its JUST you stop this darn support of her.

there are NO soft landings in an affair, understnad that now colboy. YOU cannot, you should, not cushion your WW, she must face and accept her actions or why not continue or do it again???

You are not a fool colboy, you are just frightened of loosing her for good. Well you are heading for that anyway right now,

DO plan B, but pls do it properly, even if you screw it up every now & then , ok just get it right the next time.
You should ALSO contact a lawyer and ask about divorce, your wifes reaction to the D word was good, for you, like a deer in the spot lights. Keep the pressure on, talk divorce and full child custody, in non agreesive tones, a sane sensible talk method.
The idea is to make her unsettled, place pressure on OM's relationship with her so that he will go away. All you are doing is making it comfortable.

In this case, I truly see what you WANT to do, but what you have in fact done is the opposite. You have helped her keep and maintain her adulterous relationship with the OM.

There is a simple test colboy, if WE are all wrong then
why isn't the OM gone,
why isnt she home with the kids,
why isnt she working on the M???????????

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>