Hi everyone. I have a situation that I need help with. My H has left one band where the OW is and is slowly quitting a second band where the OW plays periodically. I have snooped through his e-mail and find that she has joined this band over the past week and will from here on out be a permanent member of it.

I have made the boundary of NC with her and he said that he would leave the band after a gig on New Year's Eve. He has not. He HAS been very family-oriented, attentive to me etc. and I'm afraid that I am being "buttered up" with him hoping that I will forget my boundary.

I have been living with him seeing the OW in a social situation (joking around, having drinks etc.) for a year and I put my foot down in November when he was out almost every night for gigs and practices (many where she was).

I am looking for a way to start the discussion about this without letting him know that I have been snooping. I can't tolerate him being anywhere near her and even though we are at a good place right now, I am afraid of them being together and me being fooled like before. He has not mentioned anything about this new development--I was hoping that HE would bring it up rather than me.

I am afraid that we are going to clash and that my marriage will be over because I know that I cannot go on with him being where she is for hours ( a practice is 3 hours and then the band goes out after for drinks etc.) Please help me to get my thinking straight before Thursday when they will be together for the first time since November (that I know of anyhow.)

Your advice is most appreciated.

Sandy

Ooops. Time for radical honesty. I don't see any way for you to maintain your boundaries WITHOUT confronting him about this.

He needs to have NC with her, and if he can't do that, might be time for Plan B.

Dear Sandy,

I went through a similar situation.
We kept meeting OW socially for some 7 months after d-day and it was KILLING me. I thought I was the one who needed to "get over it" because my H and OW (my ex-best friend) were really sorry, they ended the PA immediately etc. etc.

The problem you'll probably run into is that your H will blame you for "changing your mind". At first you said you were "ok" with it that he still meets OW, now you're not.

Well - if he really loves you, if he is worth your love, he'll try to understand. He won't like it. But he'll understand that he needs to do the right things to make you happy, if he wants a happy life with you.

Tell him how you really feel. Not in a blaming way - just that you're afraid it will all start again, that you need NC to be in a good place in your M again. That you understand that this might be unpractical for him, as he'll have to find another job perhaps, but that it needs to be done. Maybe you guys can relocate?

Don't expect him to understand at first. He'll be annoyed that you changed your mind (you never did, you just didn't speak your mind, didn't you?).

Good luck to you my dear. Keep posting here, it really helps.

((((Sandy))))

Sandi,

U have been given good support by believer and Brownhair. As for your fear of the unknown, the fear is worse than reality. Bark bigger than bite sort of thing.

What you are subjecting yourself to is unfounded fears. Better to let your H know that is bothering you. Let him know your triggers and see if he is willing to help work them through with you.

If he doesn't want to work through it than his R with OW is grater than his M with you. You would need to know that so you don't get sucked into enabling the A. If he works with you, then you have your H back and a partner to help you heal.

Either way, you can have a plan to move forward. Right now you are stagnant. Am I close?

Face the conflict from within. Be determined to move forward.

L.

Hi sandigirrl,

I agree that it's time to have a one on one with your WH.

If I were you,I would start off in this manner: start with an affirming,positive statement to your WH,then say "It's come to my attention that the OW has joined the (current) band and I would like to talk about it with you."

Then,reaffirm your committment AND boundaries after the discussion.This approach,I have read,can disarm the person you are talking to since the first impression they have in their mind when you sit down to talk to them is the positive things you say first.And then,it ends on a positive note,leaving an impression that the discussion went well and was safe.

You don't have to reveal how you got the information,at least at first.But you don't want to lie either.In reality,it's irrelevant how you got the info.Your WH should have told you.Keep your boundary and be firm but calm when you discuss this.

Good Luck.

O

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>