Hey,

My STBX is making me miserable.

You all are fairly familar with my story.

I never really went to a plan B. I did a decent Plan A in a very abusive atmosphere. I was thrown out of the house by a judge and pay 100% of STBX's bills to boot.

I never went to plan B because we were divorcing and STBX was unbearably cruel to me and the kids. And I had moved out.

OK.

Around Christmas the STBX hinted she would like reconciliation. She was nice one minute and cruel the next. She was all over the place and unpredictable.

I sent a belated Plan B letter. Set out some conditions.

We started spending some time together at her request after the new year. It lasted about a week. She had never done the things I asked for in my letter, except she claims to have NC. But I don't have any way of knowing, and I don't trust her.

She emailed me today. Said all the things she was doing. But none of those things are what I asked for. This is not new for her. During our whole marriage she would do this. If I asked for an apple she'd get me an orange and tell me it was want I wanted. But it wasn't. I felt marginalized and ignored.

I don't know how to communicate with her.

Should I try to rewrite the letter again? I just feel like if I want an apple I get everything in the fruit bowl but the apple. But then she acts like I shouldn't want an apple, I should want whatever she wants me to have.

Is she not listening to me?
Is it a control issue?
I'm I not clear enough?

I try to be very plain spoken. It is so frustrating and frankly, it hurts being treated like I'm a nobody.

I told her what I needed from her. More than once.

What is going on in her goofy head?

.

This one's from the heart Tom....

My opinion:

Be very political with your STBXW.

Be polite.

Do not open your heart.

Your WW ... "as is" ... could be a danger to you.

As much as it sucks ... watch your back. Be vigilent at all times with her. Polite and vigilent.

Do NOT re-write your letter.

This is what is going on inside her goofy head ---. "Me me me ... what is in it for me me me."

That's all I can see. Sorry man.

Pep

TJ,

1st, read His Needs/Her Needs.

Ask her:

BS: Is this the best you can be in our communication?

Note her response. If it is, then she will have given you the strength to move forward. Your apples w/b her oranges and you need to remove yourself from her site.

If she says no, I like to pull your strings....then again you have your answer. Move forward.

If she says no, I need help communicating with you, not sure why but I know I have a strong desire to do the opposite out of spite or some strange thing. Hand her the book (his needs/her needs), direct her to Jennifer or Steve and step out of her life for now. This one has potential. The other 2 scenarios don't. IMHO.

Then after she shows her new settled attitude, you get to decide whether you want her back or not. By that time you will have both given each other the strength you need to either move forward alone or together.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Pep, I had pretty much decided not to rewrite the letter but I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing something.

Orchid, she won't read the books. I offered them to her but she won't read them.

Remember WS' change their minds more than they brush their teeth. So what you offered even 1 week ago may get a different response tomorrow.

But if you feel she won't change, then you have your answer right? Then what good will a revised letter do?

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Tom...

She seems to be the type of mixed up woman who might make more false charges against you for really vile things... like molesting your kids even.

Never be alone with her in an arguement. If there is a verbal confrontation, leave it until you have a witness.

Think legal and political when you interact with her.

Take your heart out of this as much as possible.

I really do not sense that yours is a marriage that is going to come back together... unless there is a miracle or something.

Best to you...

Pep

I don't know what you put in your first letter but if it was a standard plan B then you could respond to her email by just telling her to reread the letter you sent. Try to still be emotionally removed from her until and if you see some sort of real change in her behavior and attitude.

She needs to capitulate, to show remorse, to accept responsibility for all her actions, all her abuse of you and the kids....to admit her part in all of this with radical honesty.

I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting for her to get to that point. I tend to think it is beyond your wife's ability, since I truly believe she has something seriously wrong upstairs...at least from how you've described her behaviors that is how she seems. She needs some serious IC and I hope you had that as part of your bounderies in your Plan B letter.

I do agree with Pep...it will take a miracle...miracles can happen...just don't hold your breath.

I don't have a good grasp on mental illness...I don't know if she is capable of waking up one day and seeing who she has become...she's dug herself a big hole and can't find her way out...she can't save face..she'd have to humble herself to a degree beyond what it seems she is capable of...

I haven't a clue what it will take for her...adjustment of meds, IC, spiritual councelling...hey, maybe exorcism. Your description of some of her behavior sounds like it warrants an exorcist. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Do you need a translator? You may be able to use a mediator.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Thanks Guys, er I mean Girls, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Orchid BTW, that was a good "Blame Me" thread.

I didn't have a very good Plan B letter. Like I said, I didn't even really consider Plan B. We were getting a divorce, well really, we are still getting a divorce.

Anyway, my plan B letter was a hastily written one after a night of several particulary painful phone calls from my STBX. She talked of reconciliation and bashed at the same time.

When we spent some time together following christmas I explained fully to her the conditions and things I needed to start a reconciliation/recovery process. She agreed.

After a few weeks there still was nothing done on her part. NOTHING.

She has called me and text msged me several times of the past few days. It is obvious to me that the things she agreed to she does not want to do.

Each time she calls me trying to get me to change my mind it makes me even more upset with her. Our whole marriage she spent trying to get me to not want what I wanted. To accept a crappy life in which I played the role of WALLET.

Even now, if she did any of the things, I'm not sure I care now. If I had to force her, to do it, then I guess she is not really choosing it of her free will. It will be false.

She told me she could do the things I asked. She even told me she started doing them. But she had not done anything. Now she tells me she needs things from me?

I don't think what I asked is outrageous. But as I said the Plan B letter was hastily written and didn't contain everything I told her in the days following.
Nevertheless, she still agreed to do them at that time.

I can't help but chime in here. Why did you agree to spend time with your STBXW before she met all of your terms?

This is the same woman that tried to have you arrested for taking down a "Kitchen Closed" sign for heavens sake!

She took $7K from you and essentially made your life unbearable until she had you booted from the home that you are paying for.

She lied about having a PA with the OM and carried on like a lovesick teenager in front of your children.

She is now acting as though everything must be on her terms. This is simply not the way that it is supposed to work. She had the affair and needs to meet your terms and show remorse before you should even consider talking or spending time with her.

Bottom line: She is still in the fog and is a cake eater. Give in now and you are setting yourself up for round two of this rollercoaster.

Amafish,

Your right, I shouldn't have spent the time. She made another committment to me that she broke. Apparently she thought I would just forget. Totally ignores me, dimisses my thoughts and feelings.

I do choose not to continue this life for myself.

TJ

{{{{TJ}}}}}
We will survive!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks TR,

A sincere hug feels good, even a cyber one.

TJ

TJ,

She said she would do..... isn't good enough is it? She is past the point of just taking her word and her reputation has been sent into the toilet....so her word is not crediable, right?

Given that fact, then you have to move forward until she gives you enough convincing evidence she is worth you even giving her a thought. In other words if you are not convinced (you have to determine what that is), then you should not accept less.

TJ, she may never come out of that hole she has dug. You still have a choice. I sinerely hope she does come out and when she does, she is going to need a lot of help. But only if she is willing to accept and cooperate.

L.