my name lonestar
her name starshine

my self lonestar am a only child and i am 32 yrs old. starshine is 28.

we want to get married within a year a half.

i dont have any family near me.
i live in michigan now, great job,income.
her whole family is here in michigan, mine in california.

i have lived here in michigan for the last 8 yrs.

her parents are divorced,. her mother remarried , her dad just living it up,. a player,.he with many women at the same time.

here is my biggest problem , starshine lives with dad still and grandma, grandma is 68 ,. i dont want grandma to come live with us when we marry. but it seems starshines dad think its the best idea ever. so do her brother's all 3 ,so he can have his fun , whatever.,
so i feel i have now a responsibility.

and to top it off her mother is having problems with her boyfriend , and her mom is looking to move in with us, cause she ,her mom dont have a job right now,

i dont want the responsibility of taking care of elder's or her mom, she knows this , and assure's me both the grandma and her mom wont live in our house.

i dont think that will be the outcome.

am i too harsh.?


give me some advice someone., my family tells me not to accept either the grandma or her mom into my house, but hell its going to be her house too.

advice me

thanks all.

I can only speak from my own experiences but I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to live with you and your soon to be wife. Over time it will come between you.
I hope someone with better advice will come along.
I just truly think you need to put your foot down and say no to both of them. It's hard enough being married but to throw other people in the mix...WOW>...trust me...it will be a mess. Been there, done that!!!!!!

Yup keep those future in laws OUT, BAD BAD idea.

-Caren

P.S. My 1st instinct when anyone says they're getting married is to say RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

Advice: Get married and move far away.

L.

Tell her - you'll support her - but not her family.

Dad will have to take care of his mother (and her brothers can help out too).

And Mom will have to get her life together elsewhere.

No one should move in with newlyweds anyway.

Her family is not your responsibility - Even if you love her that much - At 28 years old she has to know this isn't right. She also has to respect certain boundries.

JMHO

Stand your ground. NO ONE should begin a marriage with others living in their home. Your marriage would be DOOMED from the start. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Talk to your girlfreind and make your decision known to her family NOW. Present a united front. If they are meddling this much in your lives already, you need to be sure that they know that you will be making your own decisions as a couple.

This won't be easy, prepare what you will say and DO NOT allow yourselves to be manipulated! Ladysing

grandma is old, and her family thinks we/i husband/wife should take care of her.

i dont feel this way @ all.

and then her mom, wants a safe haven under this roof too.

i have NOT spoken to her dad or her brothers about this yet,

i but know they will think i am an *******, cause i dont want to take care of their the mom and grandma.


what do i do when im in love.

advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonestar:
[QB] grandma is old, and her family thinks we/i husband/wife should take care of her.

and then her mom, wants a safe haven under this roof too.

i have NOT spoken to her dad or her brothers about this yet,

i but know they will think i am an *******, cause i dont want to take care of their the mom and grandma.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And why aren't these sons (the Dad and the brothers) taking care of their own mothers? Why is it up to you and your future Mrs. Is it because you make a "good income"? Don't allow yourself to be used, especially fro the sake of being loved. I would be extremely cautious of this "family" - there has to be another sloution to both issues (Mom and Grandma) - Maybe they should get a place together!!! (I mean if a XDIL and XMIL are willing to live together under your roof - let live together elsewhere).

Be firm and set boundries you both can live with.

Does she really want Mom and Grandma to move in with you or does she feel it is her responsibility?

JMHO

i think its cause her brothers have made a married life already and she is the last one to get married, she feels responsible to take care of her grand mother and mother.


and this is where we are today in dis-agreement,

and marriage seems to be around the corner with this obstacle.


my family , says hell No, make a life of your own, and not with her family.

im lost cause , my family is not near me,

and she feels she owes her family some protection,even in marriage.

lonestar,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>marriage seems to be around the corner with this obstacle.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read about POJA ... if any of you have second thought you better call of or postpone the wedding. You could have a broken heart now or you could have broken family w/ kids getting hurt down the road.

Now, what is yours and hers ethnic background ? In some Asian Culture the youngest D are expected to take care the mom. In that case, I would suggest you either buy into it or say "sayonara".

-rh-

RH,

My asian culture says it s/b the oldest child preferably the 1st son's family. Well my dad is son #3 and child #6 out of 7. Guess you know what happened to sons 1 & 2.

There is an old saying: A father can take care of 7 sons but 7 sons can't take care of a father.

YIKES!! I have only 1 son.... can't afford for him to throw me out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Better go buy him that DS thingy. LOL!!! Nah.... we have an understanding about spending $$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Culture or not, it s/b a responsibility shared by all siblings equally.

L.

Why aren't these people taking care of themselves? 68 is pretty young to be totally dependent on someone else's care. Her mother must be only in her late 40's, right?

I am 45 and would rather be dead than dependent, and know noone in their 60's and even 70's who want to be dependent on their children or grandchildren.

What gives?

I think you need to sit down and discuss this with your girlfriend and then the two of you need to discuss it with her parents. They should understand that you are going to be starting a new life together and don't need all of this responsibility. They may be upset at first but hey...it's better than them living with you and then having to kick them out. Trust me.....don't allow it!!!!!!
My in-laws tried to butt in my marriage so many times and it put a wedge between me and my WH. SAY NO!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>Culture or not, it s/b a responsibility shared by all siblings equally.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sibling could put together $ to help but the responsibility of arranging & taking care of the parent is lies on the youngest D. If I have to POJA w/ my next wife to be, I would have to taken into account about her cultures. b/c anything that is not 100% enthu. decided creates resentment down the road. I don't want to go against old traditions and cultures and make her feel gulity about it.

Good luck lonestar,
-rh-

As you enter a new marriage ... the very thought of your future life together should light up your heart with *joy*.

If your heart is sinking rather than lighting up ... this is the WRONG choice for you.

No matter how much you love this girl, your life together promises you misery from day 1, and your resentments would begin from the very first day of marriage.

DON'T DO THIS.

Pep

Sorry, but I say RUN.

You do not want these people as your in-laws. Just imagine the unreasonable demands they'll make after you're married!

A newly-married couple should have peace and privacy as they begin their live together.

GC

Newlyweds need time alone to strengthen their relationship. Having the in-laws living with you will seriously hamper the ability to bond. I say, make other arrangements for your in-laws. Maybe, in a few years them living with you would be ok...just not right now.

hi all

ive spoken to my girl about this and she will not talk to her family about it.

so right now we are in a disagreement and im pissed cause i went and bought a house and she wont move in till married.cause that is what her family wants.
well,ok i can live with that. the thing is i dont spend a lot of time at her house....
there is 3 people living at her house ,her dad,his mother(grandma)and my girl.

im too busy at work so i have my girl come to my house/apt, all the time afer my work, just cause, we can be in private.plus im tired after work.

the situation is getting out of control cause since the beggining of our relationship we never mixed her dad or grandma into the salad mix.
and now it seems time to getting married is coming ,grandma and her mom might soon be sitting next to me in my living room.

im totally lost right now , my girl is mad, im mad, and it seems to be all my fault for not buying into it.meaning taking care of grandma 24/7 and her mother in the near future..

p.s. feels like im beggining to have a broken heart.

advice me,

lonestar, this may sound cold, but better to have a broken heart now than later.

do NOT get married in the hopes that you will EVENTUALLY be able to resolve this issue. You need to resolve it now, before you get married and you need to resolve it to both of your satisfactions. That might mean not getting married.

I know it's not that simple and we're not you--but you really need to think on this. If you're this miserable now....

lonestar,

There are so many red flags here, I don't know where to begin. Our family histories have a lot of influence on us. She's 28 and still lives at home, you described her father as a player, her family is happy to pawn responsibilities off on you, they make you feel like a jerk for not wanting to start a marriage with two extra people in your home. It's all very alarming. How much of their attitude do you think she's absorbed? Even if she doesn't actively participate in the dysfunction, don't you think that she's pretty accepting of it?

"But I love her" should never be the sole reason for staying in any relationship. Think hard about what qualities she has that you admire. And be honest with yourself about her faults. We all have faults, they're just so often ignored in the flush of love. If she doesn't see some serious problems with her parents inability to sustain relationships, that's a huge red flag for me.

Her actions right now are showing me that she'd rather look like a hero to her family for taking over those responsibilities than start a healthy marriage together with you.