You told me there was probably so much more that my WS had done that I didn't know. You said you felt sorry for me because I would forgive him so easily. Well, I haven't posted in quite a while because my WS and I were focusing on rebuilding our marriage, when I heard a rumor on the street that it wasn't my WS's first affair.

I confronted him and he admitted to a 3 week affair 10 years ago. I told him to move out, and he begged for more time to find a place, and in the end, I softened and didn't make him leave.

Since that time, he confessed other times when he was unfaithful because the counselor told him he had to tell the truth if our marriage was going to work. Well, I found out that basically, he cheated on me from the first year of our marriage 21 years ago until 3 months ago when I caught him having the 5 month affair. He lied over and over to me whenever I asked him about women I had suspicions of.

The counselor said she thought he is a sex addict. He set up counseling which begins next week. In the meantime, I am totally disgusted. He tells me he is a sick man, and that now he has God in his life, and he is going to be cured. He went to a Catholic shool all of his life. Didn't he know that in the first year of marriage to go to a former girlfriend and tell her that he still had feelings for her was wrong? She reminded him that he was a married man now and to leave.

When I first learned of the two affairs, I wanted to help him through this, but now that I've found out that he cheated on me in our first year of marriage with past girlfriends, even when I was pregnant with his children, it just disgusts me. He was a cheater from the beginning, and he was very good at covering it up.

Now he mopes around the house and brings me coffee in bed, and sends me flowers, etc., but I can't even speak to him in a civil voice. He annoys me, and I want to kick him out. My children would suffer, so for now, I have told him he is no longer welcome in my bedroom, and he has to move all of his things in a spare bedroom upstairs. He constantly asks questions about how I am feeling, and I just want to scream "SHUT UP!" I don't feel like I have to tell him anything. I gave him 21 years of love, devotion, trust, 3 beautiful children, and he NEVER, NEVER, appreciated it until now when he got caught.

What's up with that? Now I am his soul-mate. I am the only woman for him. He now knows what true love really is. Yada, yada, yada.

Please respond. I want to move on. He has dragged me through his lies for the past 3 months only giving me tidbits of his past actions. It has been the worst hell someone might go through besides the death of a child. Throughout our 21 years of marriage, he was moody, difficult, and critical of me. He talked badly about me to his closest friends, saying that I was such a "*****" to live with. One of his friends actually apologized to me when he learned of my husband's cheating. He said I believed your husband because he was my friend, but I should have known because I never saw you acting like a "*****." My WS said he did that in case I caught him cheating, his friends would side with him. (Sounds like Satan to me.)

Your were right Lemonman. You were right. How do you do that?

srdd
3children D-19, S16, S14
DDay 10/23/04 (only kissing)
DDay 11/26/04 (protected sex)
DDay 11/27/04 (full-blown affair)
DDay 12/25/04 (unprotected sex)
DDay 1/17/05 (another past affair)
DDay 1/23/05 (cheating since 1st year married)

***I gave him 21 years of love, devotion, trust, 3 beautiful children, and he NEVER, NEVER, appreciated it until now when he got caught.***

What a horrible situation. I am so sorry for you. Please take care of yourself as much as you can.

Try to remember that his behavior had nothing to do with you. This man has some very serious "issues" with the kind of person he is at the core. He would need serious and long-term counseling before he could ever be a worthwhile marriage partner.

His words should mean nothing to you. Obviously, his words have always meant nothing. Only his ACTIONS mean anything now.

I don't blame you for wanting to move on. You did the best you could and his horrible behavior had nothing to do with you. If you do decide to try to work it out, just remember to watch only his ACTIONS and trust NOTHING he says.

Good luck. This was not your fault.
Mulan

srdd----i put a shout out to others whom have not only survived long term affairs(LTA) but are also in recovery. hopefully they eill be able to support you better in this. they are a wonderfull group of women...hang in

Wow, Mulan,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I've had so much support from friends and family in trying to reconcile this marriage. I feel I have supported my WS in trying to make our marriage work, but I can't do that anymore.

He has manipulated me for 21 years, and I can't stand it any longer. I am 44 years old, and I feel like I've waisted my productive years on "nothing." That's not to say that my children are "nothing." I never regret one single moment with them. I stayed home with them when they were young, and it was a happy, simple time. They have turned out to be great children; my daughter is in pre-pharmacy school, and my 2 sons are doing great in high school.

But, I feel like I need to get on with my life without my WS. He has robbed me of finding a happy life. I have prayed and prayed, and put my life in God's hands. It seems as though God has led me to this place where I can actually not feel guilty for wanting this marriage to end. It's not that I'm looking for another man, but it does cross my mind because, basically, I've not been alone in 20+ years, and that's scary. It's good that my children are older, and they can better understand what is going on. I have counseling appointments next week for them, just so they can unleash any pent up feelings with a professional. My daughter is away at college, so she isn't caught up in the day to day life at home.

Anyway, thanks for the support. Reality can be a frightening but freeing experience.

srdd

Nikko,

Thanks for sending the word out. What does it mean to be in recovery?

srdd

sadly srdd im three yrs past d-day and am still looking for the elusive recovery myself....keep hearing about it, but alas, to me, it is just a dream. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> hang in....

My heart really goes out to you. (((hugs to you))). Take care of yourself and your children. Are you in MC or IC? Thoughts and prayers for you also

Hi SRDD,

I am sitting here shaking my head because it hurts so much to find another long term affair sufferer. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

You asked what "In Recovery" is. Well, it is a collection of people on this site who are doing their absolute best to put their M's back on track. We would love for you to post there too but I understand that since this is all pretty new to you it is probably overwhelming at the moment. In fact, I understand that even the tiniest thing in your life is probably overwhelming right now.

On Feb. 6, I will be a 5 year veteran of attemping recovery. On that date, 5 years ago I found out my beloved S had been having an A with another woman for 21 years. It started when I was pregnant with out third child. If you look at the top of the page under post a reply, there is an option for "search". If you go there and do a search for "Alone and Lonely" and use my member # you will find my whole story.

Luckily--------I'm one of the "good-ending" stories. We have had a long road to recovery but by using the principals I found on this site we have made it. We now have a healthy and happy M.

However, I, like you, had to decide what I would live with and what I would not. IMHO, it sounds like your S needs professional help on a long term basis and if he is not willing to seek that, then I would worry as you are worrying.

It took my S 1 and 1/2 years to decide to work on our M. That time was hell and I will never go through something like that again. BUT, WE MADE IT AND THAT SHOULD BE ENCOURAGING!

If you choose recovery, anything is possible, but it is a choice for two people to make together. You will have to form a team to recover your M.

Cgar

Enchantedlady,

My WS and I have been going to MC since the first week of November. After the second affair was admitted to, the MC counselor said he might be a sex addict. She referred him to a specialist. Now I will be going to the MC as my IC to help me get through this ordeal.

srdd

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by srdd:
<strong> You told me there was probably so much more that my WS had done that I didn't know. You said you felt sorry for me because I would forgive him so easily. Well, I haven't posted in quite a while because my WS and I were focusing on rebuilding our marriage, when I heard a rumor on the street that it wasn't my WS's first affair.


Please respond. I want to move on. He has dragged me through his lies for the past 3 months only giving me tidbits of his past actions. It has been the worst hell someone might go through besides the death of a child. Throughout our 21 years of marriage, he was moody, difficult, and critical of me. He talked badly about me to his closest friends, saying that I was such a "*****" to live with. One of his friends actually apologized to me when he learned of my husband's cheating. He said I believed your husband because he was my friend, but I should have known because I never saw you acting like a "*****." My WS said he did that in case I caught him cheating, his friends would side with him. (Sounds like Satan to me.)

Your were right Lemonman. You were right. How do you do that?

srdd
3children D-19, S16, S14
DDay 10/23/04 (only kissing)
DDay 11/26/04 (protected sex)
DDay 11/27/04 (full-blown affair)
DDay 12/25/04 (unprotected sex)
DDay 1/17/05 (another past affair)
DDay 1/23/05 (cheating since 1st year married) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh my, I am sorry for your pain. I wish that I could have been wrong in my assessment and opinion of your situation. I think it is great you are in IC...that is the best thing you could ever do for your life. As to your WH...I can't really give you advice. He has been lying to you for your entire marriage, and in a way, your marriage has been a sham...a lie. I am not sure what there is to recover...only you know that. I do believe that serial cheaters like your hubby often have deep seated personal character flaws and change is very difficult if not NEARLY impossible. I am sure that it has been done, but in your case it will only happen after a lot of patience and support and realistic expectations on your part. Many people may not want to do that after finding out that their entire 21 year marriage has been a lie. Noone can blame you for what you do for you. I only have sorrow and prayers for you. I can only imagine the extreme pain and sorrow you are feeling as a result of finding all of this out. I know personally that I could never life with or reconcile with someone who did this to me any my marriage and did it repeatedly for so long. That is just me. I am sure that there are plenty of good people here who can advise you of how to recover your marriage if you choose to do this. Once again, please take care of YOURSELF here. Your husbands words mean nothing, only his long term actions and deep committment to healing himself. You can never hope to realy recover your marriage if your husband doesn't get serious serious help for his issues. I only hope the best for you.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I spoke with an attorney's office today. My husband and I have an appointment to start divorce proceedings. I hope everything works out amicably. I think he's starting to realize that I don't want the marriage to go on. I can't carry his guilt and my pain, as well. But, I do see him getting angry about my wanting to end our marriage. That scares me. He is a master manipulator, and I don't know what he'll try to pull.

I haven't gotten the courage to tell my children yet. It's like I don't really want to tell them until the papers are filed, and everything is moving in the direction of divorce. I think it would be cruel to tell them we were divorcing, and it isn't done yet.

Does that make sense to anyone? I will not tell them all the things their dad did to me. They already know about his last affair. I don't think they need to know the 21 years of it. But, I'm afraid they're going to be mad at me for not forgiving their father for the affair. They have seen us trying to make it work for the last 3 months, and they seem a lot happier lately.

This is the hardest part. How and when do we tell the children? Do I let them be angry with me? I know I don't want them to know the extent of their dad's cheating, so I guess I'll just have to bear their anger.

If you have any thoughts about how and when I might do it, please let me know.

srdd
Me - 44; WS - 44
3 children: D-19, S16, S14
DDay began and lasted 3 months from 10/23/04

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by srdd:
<strong>
Does that make sense to anyone? I will not tell them all the things their dad did to me. They already know about his last affair. I don't think they need to know the 21 years of it. But, I'm afraid they're going to be mad at me for not forgiving their father for the affair. They have seen us trying to make it work for the last 3 months, and they seem a lot happier lately.

This is the hardest part. How and when do we tell the children? Do I let them be angry with me? I know I don't want them to know the extent of their dad's cheating, so I guess I'll just have to bear their anger.

If you have any thoughts about how and when I might do it, please let me know.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do not lie to your children and do not protect your husband from the consequences of his choices. Do not leave your children with a false sense of who you really are. What benefit can there be in that?

You don't have to go into excrutiating detail, but they can be told that he has confessed to multiple affairs.

Do not take this wound on his behalf.

I would tell them soon especially if you start proceedings. Perhaps right after you meet with the attorney.

Garmus,

For a junior member in MB, I like the way you think. Welcome aboard!

I'm glad you responded. In fact, an hour ago, one of my sons came up to me and asked what was going on with Dad and me. Last night he was home with the boys, and I had gone out of town and spent the night with a friend. Tonight, I am home, and my WS is spending the night with his brother who lives out of town. My son asked me why we were avoiding each other. He asked if we were getting a divorce. I felt I had to tell him that we are. He asked what else did Dad do? I told him I didn't want to go into details, but there was more. I also told him that I couldn't live with it. He said okay. He was worried about the financial part of life. Will I be able to go to college? Who's going to support me? etc.

Then I had to tell my other son, and he was disappointed and left the room. I called him back and told him that his dad and I had tried to work it out, but it just wasn't going to work. He seemed sad, but then he started doing his homework and went on like he was okay with it. I reassured both that we loved them and it had nothing to do with them. They said they knew that.

Do I say anymore than that? Do I say there were multiple affairs? By not telling them, am I teaching them that we should bury secrets? I've always been upfront and honest about everything in my life because I've never wanted any demons hiding and growing in a closet.

If I tell them will I do irreparable damage? Please give me your thoughts. I'd really appreciate any input into this matter.

Thanks so much.

srdd

Me-44; WS-44
3 children: D-19, S-16, S14
DDay-Ongoing for 3 months since 10/23/04

srdd,

What you did and how you did it speaks tons about your strength and love for your children.

I think that there has been enough disclosed to the children. No need to give any more details.

You have handled it beautifully.

Don't know if you care to hear a dissenting opinion. You are awfully close to d-day to be making the decision to divorce. I understand about multiple affairs and years of lying. Been there.
For the kids sake, can you wait and explore counseling with husband before giving up? I know how hard it is. But, your kids are not expressing the depth of their pain, so don't let their tepid outward reaction bring you assurance that they are okay on the inside. Even for older kids, this is a d-day for them too. Thoughts, dear?