Mom,

I don't know that I have ever posted to you, but I have read your story and even saw a bit of the Dr. P show. What in the world would make you think your H would be better for your kids than you?

Young lady, get yourself together, get yourself some rest, get yourself to a lawyer and find out your rights and then settle down. You can do this, you are at a low spot, but the old coaster goes back up you know, so hang on.

I am glad Star talked to you and I hope you will reach out to get help.

Finally, that friend of yours that seemed so angry and told you "how the cow ate the cabbage". She loves you, she is mad because you are hurting and she wants your pain to stop, hence her behavior and advice. She may understand more than you realize, but it just hurts her to see you in pain and she doesn't know how to help you, but she is trying.

You are not alone Mom. Alot of people care for you, hurt for you and with you, so hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Hey Mom,

You want, I send you on an apartment scouting trip <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Would that make you feel better? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It's made us laugh in the past <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Really, I hope you fall asleep with the kiss of your guardian angel soothing your mind, the prayers of your friends healing your soul and the love of your children filling your heart.

You hang in there girl.

Okay....I also want to share this with you...it's from a book with sayings on guardian angels that a wonderful friend of mine gave me in the beginning of this saga. This book has inspired me more than once when I opened it to just the right page for whatever situation I was in.... here is one that got me through a particulary bad night...

I prayed for an angel to comfort me at night.
I prayed for an angel to make the darkness bright.
When the long night was over and the pain was all gone,
I thanked God for the angel who kept me safe until dawn.

okay...one more....

If you listen carefully during the long hours of a dark and lonely night, you may hear only silence.

Angels do their work quietly, and when they are finished, they hurry away on tiptoe.

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 11:05 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

Mom, what helped me most in my deepest moments of sorrow is - my son!
I would just hug him and kiss him, and his smile gives me such a strength to go through any hell!

Just look at you sons and you'll see in their eyes what is sense of this life of ours - everything else is so less worthy!

Hi M23B. I knew the ladies would come through. I'm sure you won't make any big decisions when you're emotions are going full blast. Now have a good night.

GC

m23b

im so glad someone has been in touch. would you please post we need to here from your fingers.

come on girl your from texas!
there is no one tougher than a woman from texas. ask me! my mom is from texas both g-mas are from texas.
ok ask me where i screwed up. I MARRIED A GIRL FROM NEW MEXICO!

you are strong, come on dig down deep and find that texas ego we all have.

M23B,

You are in my prayers.

I think you should delete your original post. It could be used against you by D23B.

I am overwhelmed by the love, support and concern you all have shown me. Last night I got phone calls from all over the country! I trully appreciate everyones support here!

I think that after i spoke to that person yesterday it really hit me hard...I just added her to the long list of people who are mad at me for not doing what she wants me to...she really doesn't understand the MB principles at all and doesn't understand what Plan B is about. She cant understand how I could even think about wanting to work anything out...I tried to explain to her what I was giong thru and how I am moving forward, but if conditions are met, yes I mihgt work on things with him...She cant understand how on earth I can even THINK about saving my family! WOW!

It hit hard cuz to her, I need to file for divorce YESTERDAY! well, first off I dont have $5,000, oh but wait..she said "Your a DR's wife, you have lots of money" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ummm, hmmmm, uhhhh, speechless! just because I am a "DR's" wife, doesnt' mean I have LOTS OF MONEY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, today I feel like I have been run over by a truck! I took TWO xanax last night! I rarely take one xanax, but lasst night I took two! I cried for 6 hours straight! I have a full blown headache today! But I know I will pull thru this...The stress of it all is realy getting to me...I have friends who are dropping like flies, cuz I have pissed them off or done something or not done something....UGH!

Oh well, life will go on, right! I will move forward just as I have done in the past! And to all those who called me last night! THANK YOU! I will return your calls today sometime! And to all those who have posted or even read this post THANK YOU! I will delete part of the original post as recommeneded!

Mom23B, Good for you!!!! I am mom 2 3 girls and a dr´s wife and sometimes I feel as miserable as you but friends on MB are always here for me even if they dont know it and I don´t tell them...

on the worse days I read recovery stories, or the stories of people who have been here for a long time and have therefore survived all this. Or what I keep for the very worst moments are those priceless threads about fogese sayings which always make me laugh first and cry out of sadness later but I always feel better.

I am only 1 month into plan B, so please behave yourself and give me hope and I will do the same for you.

MT3B,
Your story hits hard for me in part because my aunt was left by her husband, also a doctor, for a nurse. He would doll out money for her to get haircuts, etc. She died by her own hand.

You do have money, but you don't have access to it temporarilty. If Texas does not have legal separation as an option, go ahead and file for divorce, knowing that you are willing to reconcile under conditions that your H changes his behavior so that everything he does is in your best interest as well as his. He's a long way from doing that now. You can file for divorce while remaining true to your marriage vows and to MB principles.

All through the MB material, there is the concept of "mutual care." This is from Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, p. 116: "The real commitment of marriage is not..a commitment to care regardless of how you are treated. It's a commitment to care for each other regarless of the circumstances you find yourselves in." If you file for divorce, you are sending the clear message that you are not sticking around as part of a threesome.

Those three kids need you. Through all of this, remember that. I look with regret on the fact that I have missed three years of my children's lives. I was so distracted. How sad.

Cherished

***but if conditions are met, yes I mihgt work on things with him...***

It's clear that you have not moved on at all, but are STILL hoping and waiting for your WH to step up and do the right thing -- still sitting and hoping that he will magically wake up and want to be your husband again (if he ever really was.)

***She cant understand how on earth I can even THINK about saving my family! WOW!***

What is there to save? The situation that you have allowed to go on and on and on -- the one where WH can waltz in and out and emotionally abuse all of you at will -- is NOT a family.

Did you hear me?

That is NOT a family. That is an emotional torture chamber. I wish you would put your children first and consider what this is doing to *them* instead of just what it is doing to *you.* When are you going to protect them, instead of laying down and begging a cruel and callous WH to do it and then being all shocked and surprised again when he doesn't?

Now, you *could* have a happy and healthy family if you could find the strength to create it. The power is all yours, but you continue to give it all to a WH.

Let me ask you a question: If you won the lottery tomorrow and Financial Support (FS) was no longer a problem, would you still be desperate for your WH to come back?

I think you are confusing "love" with "dependency." Of course you are frightened to death by your husband's abandoning you -- you do not have near the financial resources he has. Of course you are begging him to come back -- how are all of you going to live if he doesn't?

Answer: Quite well, thank you. But not the way you think.

You are not the first SAHM with young children to be in this position -- and you will not be the last. I fully understand your fear. My son is older, but if I am forced to move out I will still lose virtually everything I have because my H makes far, far, far more money than I do. Even though I have two jobs (novelist and medical transcriptionist) I could never hope to make what he does. Since your WH is a doctor, you're in the same boat.

Okay. You're scared. You need him for financial support and so far you've been willing to pay any price (and let the kids pay any price) to get his financial support.

You can either keep on riding this miserable merry-go-round and watch your boys grow up with severe emotional problems -- let us know when they start drinking and smoking dope in order to self-medicate their pain -- or you can step up and protect them by doing what needs to be done.

First: GET A LAWYER. GET A LAWYER. GET A LAWYER. You DO have rights in this situation. The laws WILL protect you. Your WH can walk away from his family -- he did this long ago -- but HE CANNOT WALK AWAY FROM HIS FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL ENFORCE THIS FOR YOU IF ONLY YOU WILL LET THEM.

A lawyer will tell you how to get child support and, maybe, alimony. You will need a job. Yes, your life is going to change -- but the way you and your children are living now is a crime. Yes, your WH started this, but while you let it go on then *you* are just as much to blame for letting those children suffer.

Seeing a lawyer does not mean that you *want* a divorce or that you *want* a legal separation. It just means you are doing the right thing to protect your children since WH has failed utterly to do so.

We all have to do things that we don't want to do, but we do them because things like "providing our children with a stable normal life" are more important.

You can either let this hell go on and on and on, and keep on looking to a sick man to protect you and your children, or you can step up and do the hard things that need to be done so that you can get some financial security for yourself and your boys.

We know it's hard. We know it's not fun. We know it's not what you want. But look at the alternative. How are you going to answer your children in 10 or 15 years when they ask you why you didn't do anything to give them a better life, and allowed their sick and selfish father to make their life an everyday hell?
Mulan

m23b
quick lesson on texas d laws
1. child support is 20% for 1st child + 5 % for each additional child of his GROSS income. that is 30% of his income b4 taxes
2. if you have been married over 10 yrs you qualify for spousal support (alimony)
3. texas is a community property state, which means whats his is yours. if you need $5k to get an attorney go to the bank and take it. there is not a thing he can do about it. also you will get 1/2 of everything: savings accounts, stocks investments, EVERYTHING!
4. texas is in the buckle of the bible belt. adultry and abandonment of family is highly frowned upon. you will probably be awarded alot more than 1/2.
what part of texas are you from? i live in the panhandle and my attorney has pretty much guarnteed me custody of my kids with the evidence i have. and im a MAN!!!!

i really think you are worrying way to much about financial issues.if anyone should be worried, it is him, and to be honest i am sure he knows this and is trying to manipulate you into thinking that you cant do it. in reality HE knows you can drive HIM into bankruptcy, not the other way around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Dalson ... that is really good news for her. Thanks for posting it so clearly!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Remember Mom, it is your choice to read responses. If it begins with statements you don't agree with, you don't have to read it...
(and I wouldn't)

You are in a fragile place, and have been for awhile. It is wearing to the strongest of us, and time has weakened your resolve...but to put up with so much, you are stronger than I.

There are some of us that are in a much stronger place and can unequivocally say what we think you NEED to do...but we are NOT you...and, although I know there is a place for it, I take offense at the commanding tone some posters have ("You MUST...You are doing it wrong...It is going to turn out bad if you...")

You are doing what is best for you, your family, and yourself.

And yes, if my H cheated again, I would still work on our M.

Still Here...I agree with your response. It's one thing to voice an opinion...this is a messageboard, and this is what it is here for...but it is not to COMMAND that others think the way we do.

We all react differently to our situations. We all have different dynamics, personalities, fears, history and on and on. We can only, at best, GUESS at anothers true situation.

What we can do is hug one another when in trouble. We can offer advice (knowing it might not be taken). We should not belittle when that advice has not been headed (read paragraph above...right?).

Your response was heartfelt, and hopefully helpful.

Candy (Kandi??? which is it?): I hope that I did not overstep my bounds by emailing Dr.P show last night. I was very worried about you, and didn't know how easily it would be for anybody here to contact you. I was hoping that if you had the answering machine on, and heard from somebody from Dr.P that you might pick up. I didn't want to see you in such pain, alone.

I think that's great news that was posted about the stats for divorce in Texas. Your H is unreasonable to think that he can just get another woman pregnant, and also take his 3 children from his wife. He could only do that if you were an awful mother. And, he can't count your sadness and anger of his affair to justify that you are a bad mother. This stuff is situational (and HE created the situation). In time, if there is a divorce, this stuff will calm down in your heart, and you can be the Mom you were meant to be.

I don't know if your marriage can be saved, it's been so badly abused...and having a baby with the OW is the worst cut of all. But, this new baby is innocent, and that too is very sad, that he/she is brought into this world under such stress.

IF he wanted to come back, and IF he abided by the conditions, there are things that you would have to come to terms with as well...and one of those would be "can you accept that there is another child that he will have to support financially...and who he should support on an emotional level as well?". I don't know if I could do that...maybe I could??? But every marriage is different, and you've exhibited strength galore. You both would have to undergo such tremendous change if you were to try to provide a stable home for your 3 sons, and a nurturing marriage.

Whatever the outcome of your situation, you WILL be okay. Remind yourself of this regularly.

Hi MT3B,

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. I'm not sure who you spoke with yesterday, but please understand that it is sometimes very hard for people to see someone that they care about in such emotional pain and turmoil. It makes people feel helpless and often they do not know how to respond to the person in need properly. Often the person in such depair just needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, but the other person often feels that they are supposed to give advice and they feel powerless. It's a difficult position to be in - for both parties. Don't ever think that the other person does not care; it's just difficult to put yourself in one's shoes unless you have walked in them yourself before.

The decision to divorce or not is a personal one and only YOU will know when that time has come. Sometimes though, we loose sight over what really should be done and it's very common to get caught in the spiral downward where we feel there is no way out. Please know that there is ALWAYS a way out - ALWAYS!

I totally understand that you are fearful about your future, your financial standing, how you are going to manage with your kids etc., but once you make the first step, you will see that things sorta fall into place. Sometimes you may take a step or two back, but then you'll continue climbing that ladder upwards. Don't ever ever give up on yourself and don't ever ever give someone (even your husband) this kind of control over your life.

My MIL was abandonded with six children, all under the age of 10 and she was foreign. Her WH basically disappeared, never to be heard or seen from again. Imagine how scary that must have been? No money, language barrier, no support and six kids! You know what, she made it and she lived a happy live. It was not always easy and the beginning was incredibly rough, but she did it - all by herself.

If you feel that your friends are disappearing, step back for a moment and think about it. Sometimes friends can be overwhelmed by a situation or they get tired of being a continuous emotional dumpster. I know this may sound harsh to you, but I'm talking from person experience because this is something that I have done in the past. Once I stepped back and looked at everything and I figured out that I really haven't been a friend to my friends, but I've used (and probably abused) their patience, love and care for me. I needed to learn how to be a friend again and a friend back to them. This does not mean that you should no longer talk to them about your pain and worries, but also try to let go of some of this sometimes and just hang out and have fun.

I know that you have given your best to save this marriage to Ed and you have only the best of intentions, but Candy, it takes two to make this work and with the OW being pregnant, it has changed so much and your life with Ed will never be the same again. This does not mean that it can't be a better marriage than before, but it really does take two people to be fully committed to this.

Don't ruin your pretty face crying all the time. Crying causes wrinkles and you don't need those.

This is not the kind of life that you deserve and Ed is not the kinds of husband and companion that you deserve.

You know that old saying that every pot has a matching lid, well I believe that there are several lids for every pot.

Ed is not the only lid that fits YOUR pot.

Take care
Kati

Spoke to Mamacita this morning and she is feeling MUCH better!

She was having a few of those couple of days where everything just dogpiled on her all at once...and I don't think there's a person on these boards that doesn't understand THAT!

The outpouring of affection and concern that everyone has shown to her has created a warm fuzzy in her. I know she felt blessed from all of it.

She knows what she needs to do for her and those very wonderful boys and she's still gonna do what she has to do to create a complete and full life for herself and them.

Just giving ya'll an update.

She's such a lady...really and truly. I'm blessed myself to call her friend.

M23B,

I was thinking of you while at the gym today, and
Glad you feel the warm fuzzies coming. The beauty of it is that we feel them as we send them; plus all of us can bask in the warmth of each other's posts!!

I too had anxiety attacks during parts of this. SH gave me an exercise to do so that I wouldn't be so blind-sided when it happened again. What he had me do is list step by step, very specific things I could/would do to take extra special care of myself when I felt this enormous anxiety coming on. There just aren't words to describe how awful it feels, and so out of control.

By then you're too far gone to know what to do; so it's important to make this list when you're centered and peaceful.

It's like an emergency procedure per se....so you simply kick it into motion as needed.

1) Can be actions like going for a brisk walk (get a treadmill if you can't leave the house due to kids).

2) A hot bubble bath with candles etc.

3) Call one of your SUPPORTIVE friends - write their phone number down on the list.

You see my point. Only you know what models "taking special care of you". But you can only tap into it when you're peaceful....but have it readily available to put into place, because these panic attacks don't come with warning!!

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

dd
you are from tx too right?
are you close enough to m23b that you can see her? i looked a little at your journal.where are you from, i seen the coast. i lived in rockport when i was a kid.
anyway back to my point if you are close to her, a visit this weekend might be good for both of you. i wish there was someone up here in the cold part of tx i could talk to. no one really understands except us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dalson,

Mamacita and I are planning on doing lunch next week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cold part of Texas...that would be....um...anything north of Corpus Christi, right?

You can email me if you want. I've got good "ears".

niosgirlatyahoodotcom

Man got a bunch of lawyer wannabe's here. I have the facts. I have done my homework and I have a damn good lawyer with 26 years experience. I have the numbers. Donot give legal advice when you have no idea what you are talking about.