All I know there is no back to him, because there is not any single thing he changed, any thing that lead us to go apart...

I stil have some love left, that is not enough, more and more I feel free, breathing! again, pain almost gone (most of the time gone, just rarely some triggers...; it's been 1,5 years since I left him, and 10 months we legally split everything... including our 3 years old son (50/50 joint legal custody, permanent residence with me, X's visitations every second weekends...)

X doesn't want to let me go... he write messages, looking for reasons to meet me, talk to me, discuss...
and after reading every message of his, I feel somehow hurt, and - scared!
He's so wise...

Hope you can understand my rambling; it's too long and I try to be short and clear..

Anyway, he also insists the three of us have some activities together, ask me to ACT in front of our son that we have a good relationship... At the same time he wouldn't change ONLY ONE condition I ask for to reach that relationship - to be honest... yes, he's free NOW and I'M fine with WHATEVER he does with his time/life, just if he doesn't lie... He doesn't get it (or does he..) that I am so saturated with his lies that I cannot stand to say even a hello to him anymore, for he never stopped lying...

Anyway, my concern is - can he use against me not talking to him when he brings after 'visitation period' our son back to me (just hello, and buybuy), can he accuse me of bad co-parenting if I don't accept 'activities together'?

I have feeling he writes "nice" messages (about his concerns re: our son, how it'd be nice for him if we yadayadayada... and always, et least a sentence, blaiming me for our son's pain because I avoid him (X) and don't talk to him, nor want the three of us 'having fun together'...), maybe he's 'documenting' his 'efforts' so he can use against me one day...??

I read a lot about co-parenting, and I know it'd be the best if we do have some activities together with our son... but whenever I'm with the two of them... I'm so unhappy, SCARED seeing X's way with our son (if he'll make him the same liar as he is, the same unstable person as he is, the same... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , and some other things...), and I avoid that...

Anyone understand me?

I do want to be able one day to go out with my son and him, as civilised people, as parents... but now I simply cannot, forgive me God what I'm doing to my son... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't think your obligated to be friendly with him. You should not treat him badly in front of your children or say bad things about him in front of your children but you don't have to pretend your best buddies...

Keep it strictly professional... The child rearing profession. Anything straying beyond that, just don't respond to him.

JMHO,

Miker

To clarify: I do always answer part of his messages related to our son, give him advise (he never applies), and I'm very tollerant when he wants to switch weekends...

PS: One of reason I post this thread is his message sent a hour ago...

Among other things, he says:
"He often says to me, why do you have to take me back to Mommy's place?
And I say that it's because you miss him, and want to have dinner with him, and you would be wad to be alone. And he always says to me, "you can come to my place, IF YOU WANT. Because he seems to think that he needs to tell me to be welcome.
So it's very hard to explain to him that it's not because I don't want that I can't go there. He is very sensitive about this issue.
All I am saying is that I think you could be a little more courteous and relaxed, and perhaps it could help him bridge the gap between moving
from one place to the other."

I know he sounds OK and right... It looks like I'm not doing in best interests of our child, right?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I answered this part as:
"When he doesn't want to go to your place I say - now it's time you are going to spend with your dad sometimes you are with me, sometimes you are with him, and that's good, we both love you, you a our child of love.

I don't tell him you are sad and alone; - he should not be with us to compensate our "loneliness" nor "sadness", but to be with us because we are his parents.
There is time with mom and there is time with dad, simply as that.

I also always say you are welcome here, but you have to work and some day we are going to invite you to have supper with us. That's what I told him tonight too."
(And I did so).

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi,
For some reason I found your question for help here tonight...so here goes.

First, I have never been divorced so I can't say I know how you feel. But, I do have children, much more older now than 2, but still my children.

I don't think your X can use this against you in court. You have stated the word "scared" a couple times in your post which has me concerned as to whether or not you have been or are afraid of some type of spousal abuse.

If this is the case, I don't think you should have any activities on a regular basis with this person included. But, for the safety of my child I would occasionally participate in an activity if it were somewhere public (park, beach etc.) to see how he "really" is caring for your son.

I would also, for my child, show that you and your X can be civil with each other. Each of you are his examples for life.

I hope my little thoughts can provide some help for you today.

Miker, thanks for a quick answer!

I never (ever) say anything bad about him to our son!
I would never want my son to feel he has not perfect dad, nor I want him to feel abandoned, unloved... I always highlight how much his parents love him...


By the way, I'm not afraid will take him NOW to live with him, maybe when our son is big enough to take care of himself... but how I'll survive these comments like my son wants to be with him and not with me???
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere:
So it's very hard to explain to him that it's not because I don't want that I can't go there.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I take it from your description your X was the WS? If so I'd be tempted to say back to X

"Well how about you explain to him the reason he can't come to our house is because our marriage is over and we can't live together because he brought another person into our marriage..."

Ok maybe your reply is more politically correct <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think your doing fine... Don't let him make you feel guilty about it.

Miker

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by holiday:
I don't think your X can use this against you in court. You have stated the word "scared" a couple times in your post which has me concerned as to whether or not you have been or are afraid of some type of spousal abuse.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks!
I'm scared for my son... if one day living with him to turn into him (although there is no guarantees if he stays with me till he's grown up...)
I was thinking a lot and analysing my emotions... and it is not that I am a possessive mother - if my X were a person I consider decent, I would not mind my son living with him 50/50, IF it would be better for his growth...
But I know that I can give him much more than my X... and I know what he would be taught if living with his father... (life style)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is the case, I don't think you should have any activities on a regular basis with this person included. But, for the safety of my child I would occasionally participate in an activity if it were somewhere public (park, beach etc.) to see how he "really" is caring for your son.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I do not.
I was a few times with them... my son is not in danger (otherwise I'd call my lawyer right away), not he's abused... X cares fair enough... OK, there are things that I don't like related to his upbringing 'methods', but nothing I can do about it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would also, for my child, show that you and your X can be civil with each other. Each of you are his examples for life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked my X to give me some time... to be able to do this...
I know I should, for my son's sake... and I feel so selfish I am not able to do that now... not yet...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope my little thoughts can provide some help for you today.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They did, thanks a lot!
So, he cannot use this against me in the court... and the rest I know is up to me, and I have to find the way to deal with 'activities together' from time to time...
By the way, these activities together... I have feeling X is using me again, to get 'the fix', and not because of our son's fake... and I simply cannot distinguish that with what is better for my son... and yes, I feel guilty...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miker:
I take it from your description your X was the WS? If so I'd be tempted to say back to X

"Well how about you explain to him the reason he can't come to our house is because our marriage is over and we can't live together because he brought another person into our marriage..."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he's WS

Actually I am not so politically correct always <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I wrote:
"That's a consequence of being a 'child of divorce'
No family
No parents together
Dad made another choice
Mom had to follow him

What a pity that wasn't considered earlier, before damage done

And, no, it is not easy for him and it never will be

I do my best he loves you and keeps bonding with you"