Had a decent sex life pre A with very good emotional connection.

SF became less frequent and blah during wife's affair.

Got a bit better post D-day, but now it is very poor; even worse than pre A. D-day was about 9 months ago and there is NC.

She is always making excuses. Initially she said it was too frequent for her taste. Now SF is infrequent and she still turns it down. I don't feel the same emotional connection I had pre-A. I feel detached and I am sure she also feels detached.

I am thinking about ending the mariage. In have cover her ENs quite well; but it does not make any difference.

Could it be that SF with OM caused irreversible damage to our marriage? She claims she is over the OM. Could she be lying again? She already lied once about contact.

I am thinking divorce. I don't know what else to do. I do not want to be married without romance.

I have done the works, massage, flowers, eating out, no LBs, and go out of my way to help her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by UnlovedMan:
<strong>
She is always making excuses. Initially she said it was too frequent for her taste. Now SF is infrequent and she still turns it down. I don't feel the same emotional connection I had pre-A. I feel detached and I am sure she also feels detached.

I am thinking about ending the mariage. In have cover her ENs quite well; but it does not make any difference.

Could it be that SF with OM caused irreversible damage to our marriage? She claims she is over the OM. Could she be lying again? She already lied once about contact.

I am thinking divorce. I don't know what else to do. I do not want to be married without romance.

I have done the works, massage, flowers, eating out, no LBs, and go out of my way to help her. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I think if you read enough here you will see stories that mirror yours. This recovery business is very very difficult (not that I would really truly know as my marriage failed). It sounds like your recovery has many issues and you need professional help. If you don't try and change your recovery plan now, your marriage is on a head on head collission with divorce. GET PROFESSIONAL MC HELP ASAP. THE SF issues are only a symptom of a deeper cause.

Goodluck.

I agree with Lemonman, symtoms of deeper issues. And it maybe deeper issues that your wife has not just the marriage.

You don't state her age, but as a very young women I did not have that much interest in SF, now that I am older and am more in touch with my own sexuality that has changed dramatically.

Does you wife understand the connection that SF brings to a marriage?

Have you discussed the enormity of this problem on you and on your marriage? Does she understand that you are thinking of divorce, that it is that big of a deal?

Remeber women fall in love with there minds so start dating her and don't expect sex. Treat her like she is the center of your world and give it some time. Worked for me once. Best wishes

You havent' been in recovery, if it is indeed true recovery, for very long.

Your wife needs to go through withrdrawal and then she needs to reconnect with you. All of this takes time, and doesnt happen in a few weeks.

How do you know you are meeting her needs? Have you asked her?

Maybe you might ask 2long for some help as he has been through this with his wife.

Unloved Man,

I agree with what some other posters here have said. Are you in IC? Is your wife in IC? Are you in MC??? How could you be willing to throw your M away without working more on it? You make it sound like it's your W's fault that she's not responding, but there's much more to it than that. Yes, your M is changed now that she had an A. No question about that. You're not going to be able to get your M back to how it was before, because there was obviously something lacking back then to have her get into an A. You want it BETTER than before, and in order for that to happen, you need time, IC and MC.

SF isn't the be-all and end-all of a M. It's the *result* of a good marriage. You have to meet her needs and she has to meet yours, and then SF will be good for both of you. Stop guessing if your W is thinking about the OM. These are things in your head. You really need to speak to a counselor. Damage has been done and you both need to learn how to move on and how to make your M work now, assuming you both want to.

Good luck!

CC

I have decided to go to counseling. I guess I need someone to help me deal with my strong attraction for my wife. I need to be able to control my strong desire to show affection. I know many here suggest to simply be courteous and not emotional when dealing with WWs. I also know is no piece of cake to fill ENs post D-day and that I must allow plenty of time to go by. It seems I have very little patience and can only do so for a couple of days before I am once again being very intense about romance in marriage.

Her number one EN is admiration and to be honest I think I am overdoing that EN--------- she knows I find her a Goddess and I cannot stop looking at her. Her second EN is affection----------------------- I also believe I am way overboard on that one. I can massage her back, rub her feet, and play with her hair for hours every night.

I think we have entered what is known as marital sadism (see book passionate marriage).

In a way------------------------- I LB her by saying unfavorable things about her amorous relationship with OM and she gets turned off and has no desire for SF. Or when we have SF is what is known as mercy SF for my own sake and not for hers.

I think this is a serious issue and I am willing to work on this even if I have to give up SF for several months until things settle down. But, I have to be honest with myself. This is no way to have a marriage---------------- sooner or later we need to find a solution.

Unloved Man,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> IC is a good beginning. I'm a FWW, and been in recovery for 9 months now. It get easier, especially when you're both honest, and both on the same page concerning your marriage. I really think that MC would be advisable too, but maybe your IC will recommend it also.

I understand about your attraction for your wife, and that's a marvelous thing. My H has an undying attraction towards me, but sometimes I have to wonder if it's something more--maybe an underlying insecurity on his part to "own" me. He's working on that, and I'm working on my own issues. The bottom line is that you can smother a WW with too much attention, affection and need. Romance has to SLOWLY come back. Trust has to be rebuilt. Get to know each other again, and SF will fall into place. In my case, it was (and still is) very slow-going, but my H has been willing to do things at my own pace.

Good for you, that you're agreeing to go to IC. I hope that you find it to be an invaluable tool. Please let us know how you make out with it. When is your first meeting? Did you set it up yet?

CC

Unloved-

Yeah....you can't really do the bringing up the other man thing at this stage in the game....that's not going to be in the plus column, you're pushing her away when you do that.

So, she filled out the ENQ??? You are saying you are filling her top EN's, are you positive you're filling them the way she'd like them to be filled?

As for SF....I think that part will come eventually, you do need to go to MC and hash it all out though.

I know SF has gotten better with my WH, but then again, he's a guy and I have something going on in the libido department caused by the affair, I believe...I would have SF 5 times a day if I could get him over here....I am the exception, most women on this board can't believe that I can even have SF with him, knowing that there's someone else, I can't explain it, except that I know it's his NUMBER 1 EN.....so I fill it every chance I get....I've also found out through trial and error that #2 is Admiration. He responds really well to it, as most people probably would. So I positively reinforce that every chance I get.

SF is one of YOUR EN's not your wifes.....therein lies the problem, when your plan Aing, your EN's are pretty much ignored, and the EN's your giving her may get thrown in your face.

Talk to her about it. I know my friend and her husband are trying to recover from this same thing, and he follows her around like a lost puppy CONSTANTLY, he tries to help her cook, etc (Just gets in the way) and it irritates the crap out of her....so apparently domestic support is not one of her EN's....see what I mean?

-Caren

Caren and BC:

My No. 1 EN is SF

My wife's No. 1 is admiration. I don't remember where she rated SF. I think I really have that EN well fulfilled. The problemis that I say comments about the affair and thay are not well received.

Caren and BC, you are both right about being too intense and romantic at this stage of the ball game. I get too enthusiastic about the relationship and then crash when I get rejected. Then I feel resentment and say something less than positive about OM. And then she resents me. And the vicious circle keeps going.

I will have my wife call to set me up with a counselor. I need to control my feelings a little beter.

I am not sure what went wrong in the marriage before the A. I thought we had a near perfect marriage------- no LBs, no fights, ENs met, ect. The only thing I can see is that I was not pressed for her. I did not act like a newlywwed anymore and was relaxed and very trusting. However we had a pretty good romantic relationship with regular SF, dates, ect. I guess it would be important to know why the A developed so I can discuss it with the counselor. It will be kind of strange----------------- me going to IC whereas my wife has never been.

Unloved,

Just wanted to add that I thought my marriage was nearly perfect pre-A too! Maybe it was boredom, too much of a good thing, etc?? I do know that my H enabled me too much and I felt like spreading my wings a bit on my own, so I lost weight, started taking pride in my health and appearance, and just happened to meet the OW online. She said the right things, filled a need in me (for me to help her!) and, the A happened. We realized in MC that we actually didn't communicate enough and routinely went about our daily lives with To-Do lists and basic needs being met. We also went on MANY dates together, alone, and thought that everything was okay. Now we're trying to be more in tune to what's really going on with our daily lives, and we're communicating even more, which is key to a healthy marriage. You'll get there. IC and MC are great tools. Good luck!

CC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by UnlovedMan:
<strong>

She is always making excuses. Initially she said it was too frequent for her taste. Now SF is infrequent and she still turns it down. I don't feel the same emotional connection I had pre-A. I feel detached and I am sure she also feels detached.

I am thinking about ending the mariage. In have cover her ENs quite well; but it does not make any difference.

Could it be that SF with OM caused irreversible damage to our marriage? She claims she is over the OM. Could she be lying again? She already lied once about contact.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am curious as to what type of accountability controls you have placed in your marriage since your wife's adultery. You need to have good accountability in you marriage. If you have good accountability, then you don't have to worry about contact so much. Your wife should be willing to do whatever it takes for you to feel certain that she is not in contact with the adulterer.

The lack of a satisfactory sexual relationship in a marriage is almost always caused by other marital issues. A relationship without proper respect and boundaries is the root cause in most situations.

I am wondering if your wife is 'in charge' of your relationship. If so, do you realize that you must contribute your share of the responsibility in maintaining the relationship? Also, do you realize that changing that dynamic, while essential, is difficult?

Divorce might resolve your immediate situation, but it won't address the problems in your relationship that brought you to this point. I can tell you with a good amount of assurance, that both you and your wife have much to learn in order to rebuild and correct core issues with your marriage.

Just in case you think I am picking on you, I am not. Your wife made a terrible decision. Her actions have contributed greatly to your condition.

Wanting sex with your spouse is perfectly normal, but foot and back rubs are not the key. Fixing the core problems in your marriage is the key.

Most important to your recovery, is your spouse's willingness to help repair the marriage. If she won't step up and work with you, then you need to decide what you will do, and proceed when appropriate. No need to threaten.

All the best,
Gimble

BC:

I am an open book; I communicate everything. My wife confirmed today that she always had a wall around her and that this will not change; this is her personality. She will not be open and I have to accept her. She feels very insecure and therefore the wall is very important to her.

I am not insecure about the marriage, my wife’s feelings, the OM, or anything about the affair. I feel quite good about myself and always have. OM is not a competition now or before. In fact he is quite insignificant at this moment. When I say something that suggests OM was or is less of a man I am simply releasing steam; I have anger and resentment. OM’s character speaks for itself and I will learn to keep my mouth shut. Therefore, as of today OM is dead.

I am afraid of running into a bad counselor. But, in the end it does not matter. I just need someone to vent.

My wife has given me many different reasons for the affair. Like in your case I also enabled the affair by being a good provider.

I will take a sabbatical from SF. However, I might have to break the rule for February 14 as we are scheduled to spend the weekend in a romantic getaway. This cannot be canceled as it was a gift from one of our daughters who is very suspicious about our relationship. So this is out of my hands and my wife will not perceive me as being pushy.

Caren:

Maybe you are in the same boat I am. If you want to have SF that much H is not going to show much interest in you. After D-day I also wanted SF five times a day. I think this overwhelmed my wife and she became disinterested. However, since SF is no 1 for your H maybe things will be different. Good Luck with your SF!