DS called WW yesterday to see if he left his CD in her car. she said yes, and she would bring it to him tonight. he calls her when we get home, and she says she will bring it over, and to meet her out front in 10 minutes.

I go to the door in 10 minutes to turn on the outside lights, sitting in front of my house is OM's CAR!!! DS comes to the door to get his CD, and I go out on the front porch, partly to see if WW is driving OM's car, or if OM is there too. WW knows I NEVER wanted OM coming to my home, yet there he is with WW sitting beside him. I simply stared at them, mainly so OM would see the H he was homewrecking on, and also hoping that he might get a little nervous when he sees the size of me (6'2" 215lbs).

Now, I'm really depressed that she would think so little of me to do that, or is she just that lost in the fog to realize?

Should I say anything to WW about it? or will that just encourage her to try to hurt me more?

To top things off, DD tells me tonight that she is currently getting an "F" in math. DD has been a straight "A" student for as long as I can remember, and now it appears that the A is messing with her grades as well. How do I bring this to WW's attention in a non-DJ manner?

TYIA

Hosea

In case you are not familiar my story is linked below.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Hosea_2004 ]</small>

Hosea. I so understand. I went to meet my WH and as I waited for him to get home from work, OW drove him up to the door.

WH got out of DP's car and laughed and smirked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I just said another excellent choice, DOrk.

But, I was raging inside.

And, my DD failed her first test EVER 1 month and a half after WH gave me the IDLYAM speech.

I can't speak to WH rationally as he takes everything I say as an attack. Even when there is no DJ, it is taken as an attack. Too fogged to be rational.

So, now, when I need to speak about finances or DD, I tell him what he needs to know. WHen he starts to be rude, which is every time. I say, everytime "WHen you speak nicely to me and without disrespect we will continue this conversation. I have to go now. Click"

Hosea,

I went and read your other thread. When a spouse is this cruel and thoughtless...you need to move into Plan B and remove yourself from their chaos. Have you been to court yet?

Hosea - I'm not in a state right now to be much use, but I do believe it's the fog. My WW drove up today in the OMs truck to pick up something she forgot at the house when she left earlier today. There is no way that ouur spouses can be so full of hatred to do such things to us on purpose - it has to be the fog.

Both of my youngest kids stayed home from school today - I thought they were sick earlier, but realized that it was just that they wanted to be around a parent all day long. I kept them home with me. School they can make up. My support is more important.

You are in my prayers

David

hosea you say nothing...

you need to do exactly the opposite of what she expects...
she expects to hear about this..
she expects you to get your knickers in a bind..

in fact it's quite an attention seeking move...

so you say nothing...

and the truth hosea is that I don't think you haven't plan A'd at all...AND I think you are even a better position to do so then you think...

I don't say this to confuse you ..you have been dead spot on..on the measures and actions you have taken to protect the kids...

but if you bring up how mad this makes you...it will be comfortable and known to her...

she can accuse you of being controling..
she can say insane things like it's still my house too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

and all of that fluff just deflects from the REALITY of her actions...
and the insanity...

people that are really really serious about starting a new relationship...
really really sure....
don't flaunt it...and don't do things that invite chaos and confrontation...
they protect it...
and protect others from uncomfortable exposure...so that the bigger picture is intact...

your wife and OM use their relationship like a weapon shoving it down everyones' throat from the children on both sides...to the childrens friends..to the school.. to you...and I can only imagine the family members she is harrassing as she screams..

ACCEPT THIS
MAKE ME RIGHT BY MAKING THIS RIGHT!!!

people who want to perserve and maintain a new fragile relationship..as all "new" and fragile relationships...DON"T do it like a bull in a china closet..

if you say a peep about this...she can rant and rave defending her herself...
if you don't say a peep..
well what in heavans name will she get to rant about...??

DON'T do what she expects..
DON"T do what puts her on comfortable ground...

Hosea...you gotta start asking and throwing things her way....that confuse and surprise her...even though her initial reaction will be sarcasm anger and accusations....expect that...

so you say things like...

When I saw you yesterday...you looked tired..are you sleeping well...?

NOT what she expects from you..
and initially she will say something crass and cruel..so be braced for it...but the reality is part of her brain will know there was NOTHING but concern in that question...and at one time you and she were very concerned about one another...

give her something from the house she left..that she might like..BUT that is wrapped with memories...
something little or stupid...some dumb bauble of hers on the dresser or the mantle...send it with the kids...
write a short note...

know you always liked this...you should have it...

short...not mushy..BUT NOT what she expects...

you hold firm on the kid issues....
but you throw things this way and that jar her memory...

if every interaction is angry and bitter and defensive...it makes her dig her heels in deeper...
it confirms her belief this can never be turned around..

you gotta show hope...while protecting your heart...

send some pictures of the kids...but some with you and them/she/family /friends mixed in....

have you read my cheesey plan a thread..if not I will bump it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> lots of good input from other...

read bobpures posts...his wife was in HIS FACE with her chaos as well...and she's trained in the martial arts...she could have cleaned his clock.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

but read his stuff...

ARK

Star*fish: We are going to court for the first time next week, this is to force her to mediation regarding the kids.

Ark: I agree that she was trying to get me to react, partly because she wants to cause me pain, but also in the hopes that I will behave in a manner that could help her legally. If I flew off the handle in front of the kids, she could use that to try to show the judge that i was unstable, or dangerous. I thank you for the ideas regarding Plan A, I was looking for some solid advice like that, and it is well recieved.

Now, how do I handle the information regarding my DD's falling grades, WW will try to use it as an example of me not taking their education seriously, or something insane like that, but if I don't tell her, she can say that I am withholding information from her. My thinking is that if I don't tell her, she could've asked herself about DD's grades if she cared.

?????????

deal with the little ones grades through and with the guidance counselor and the teachers...inform and invite her to any and all conferences...stay focused on daughter issues only....

I am serious about sending out messages that confuse and surprise her...

don't ignore the other aspects of plan a and only focus on the boundaries...

the grades are NOT your fault...
she knows this...

aRK

I sent an email to DD's teacher informing him of the issues my DD is dealing with (the abandonment of WW) and asking him to call me to discuss her grades, and getting back to her normal standard.

Do you think I should forward a copy of this email to WW, or will the fact that I informed the teacher just cause a problem?

Oh, 1 more thing, please either bump the plan A post, or give me the link.

TY

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't drive yourself crazy worrying that if you do A she will get you this way, but if you do B she will get you that way. No, I would not send her the email to the teacher.

And don't think any judge is going to think that your kid's grades sank a month after her leaving that it was your fault. It's obviously the stress of the situation.

Make an appt. with the teachers and counselors. Inform her of the problem and of the appt. Either she shows or she doesn't. Be civil and look for ways to resolve the situation (can she make up some work that she didn't turn in due to going through this).

I walked many tightropes like this worrying about everything. My ex would ask for the kids during the separation (over and above his agreed upon visits). Well, they give custody to the parent who is more likely to encourage the kids seeing the other parent. So if I said no, then he would record that I denied his request. However, if I agreed, he was planning to use it to show that I didn't want to watch the kids during my time. I couldn't win. He would even ask when returning the kids from a 2 week vacation. Can I see the kids tonight? No, you just had them for 2 weeks! Ok, so you are denying my request for additional visitation? arggghhh.

Just keep being stable and hope she self destructs.

Thanks everyone, I am trying to NOT go nuts waiting for the custody hearing to be over & done with. I am absolutely certain that I will get the custody, maybe not everything I am asking for, but at least primary residential parent, and CS.

I'm fairly certain that once she has to pay CS to me (approx $1300/mo). this will cause a financial bind for her "new family" and will put real pressure on the A. I also need the CS to take care of my kids, and that is most important.

My plan is that once the custody is done, then I will tell my lawyer to go in extreme slow gear on the D. I don't want it, and no need making it a quick one for her. the longer she has to see that OM is the loser that he is, the better for our M.

I hope to be able to use this time to more effectively Plan A her, our anniversary of getting engaged is Feb 13th. should I let it pass un-noticed? or what can someone suggest to spark her memory, in a subtle way.

Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> our anniversary of getting engaged is Feb 13th. should I let it pass un-noticed? or what can someone suggest to spark her memory, in a subtle way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hoping for some ideas

Hosea,

Trying to romance or walk down memory lane with a fogged wayward spouse will set you up for a world of hurt and rejection. Please, just let it pass. In the heightened biochemical fog that she is operating under right now, you cannot "spark" much more than contempt and cruelty right now. Your patience will pay off if you can step back and let the pressures take their toll and the OM love bust. I know this is hard...and I send blessings to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />