well this week marks the first 12 months since my wifes affair started ,,, for the last 12 months she has lived with the OM ,, we still dont argue or any thing ,, nothing seems to change ,, so yesterday i told her that i have to remove my self from all this garbage and that i dont want to see or talk to her any longer ,,, her reply was that we had to because of the kids .. i said no we dont messages can be relayed through others etc...... i dont know if this is the right course of action , i do enjoy talking to her ,,but i feel i need to detach completely , because nothing else seems to worrrk

Plan B is implemented because you as the BS are finding it difficult t/b civil in dealing with an unrepentant WS. You need to remove yourself from the A chaos so you are out of harm's way.

You may find you are meeting more of the WS' needs than you realize. Plan B will bring that to light.

Have you put your terms in writing? Is your 3rd party(s) already setup and ready to rumble?

L.

i want to get out of this chaos ,, if i did not have kids and financial matters with this woman , i wouldnt speak to her at all .... but i have to like when she collects the kids from me etc..
surly these type of affairs must be wearing off now ,,, then again i think she is liking the fact that the kids are with me most of the week and she is only a part time mother

Please give a brief recap.

d/d
separated
ea/pa
children, etc....

R U in MC/IC? R your children in any counseling?

What books or tools have helped you?

L.

married , been together 13 years,,
she was 19 when i met her ,, i was 25 ,,
she is now almost 32 yeras old and i am 39/
she has never in her life had another relationship other than me , we now have a 12 year old daughter and a 8 year old daughter ,, when she left 12 months ago she left the daughters with me and it in the last couple months she takes them to the om house for up to 3 days a week.......i really thought her little affair would have worrn off by now ,,,,,,
i was a good husband and father and she told me this ,,,,,all i got from her was that we met too young and that slmbnilwm speach ..she has had to much freedom and her father told me this ,,, so has she found her soul mattee

Thanks for the recap. I just came on to see if you posted. U must be up real late, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

R U in any MC/IC? How are your children handling this? R they in couseling?

What have you read regarding this subject?

L.

no counciling
kids r doing fine
no one thought that she would do this
may be the horse has bolted

Ok, let's get you a plan of action, ok?

If you are interested, I will give a brief outline. Remember these are my suggestions..... you need advice of a professional....one you like and can trust.

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. U take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.
a. Once as yourself.
b. Ask the WS to take it also.
c. If she won't, then take it the 2nd time
and answer as if you are her.

3. Get ahold of the books:
Surviving an Affair
His Needs/Her Needs both are by Dr W. Harley

Love Must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson

READ THEM THROUGH

4. Identify your boundaries (what boils down to
hard core values/items/traits that you will or
will NOT accept in your M and family). S/b a
short list.

5. Create and identify your personal support group. C/b children, neigbhors, co-workers, relatives, minister, doctor, lawyer, teachers, pets, etc. Don't tell all to all but enough so they know how to help you. Ask for their respect before you divulge.

6. Get with a good IC/MC in your area familar with MB principals. Or better yet, call Jennifer @ MB for phone counseling. She is great. If you prefer to speak to a male counselor... Steve her brother is also available and he is great also.

7. Reassure your children of your love. Keep close tabs on them. You don't know what they are being exposed to with the OM.

8. Do a background check on the OM. See if there is anything dangerous you s/b aware of.

9. Notify children's teachers and see if the school has any counseling recommendations. Children may not want to sqeel on their mom. So their frustrations c/b introverted. Not good. Encourage them to talk their feelings out. Don't avoid this..... this is a biggie.

10. Keep a journal with dates and times. C/b used with your lawyer in case you want to file for full custody.

11. Secure your finances. Make sure she can't rip you off or is skimming away your savings and investments. My SIL took out a line of credit on their home and went on a major shopping binge. Her H can't remove her name even though that broad (yes, she is H's sister but also a wicked WS), he can't remove her name from the line of credit though she hasn't worked more than 3 months at Macy's before they were married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He is now a couple of hundred thousand in the hole.

12. Post here as needed. This is a support and venting place but does not replace the need for professional, medical and legal help.

13. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

14. Pray for patience.

15. Don't kick yourself if you take a few steps backward. Just don't fall down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are not ready for plan B yet. You need to read up on plans A and B in those books. Jennifer or Steve can help you with those plans.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 03:32 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>