My wife has put up virtually no fight at all over the kids - in fact, she told me that they belonged here with me, this was their home, and they would be happiest here. She even offered to pay partial support for them.

This just doesn't feel right. I know how much she loves them. Am I just borrowing trouble, or should I be expecting a huge broadside (she's so good at those)? It seems to me that we'd be in some sort of custody battle of something, but she seems to have just dropped them off, and wants to see them on occaision. I'm a little confused. Anyone else been in this position?

David

Hey David,

I've never been in this situation, but could it be that she wants to leave the kids with you in order to make it easier for her and the OM to be together?

I haven't been in that exact position, but I can relate to the confusion it causes.

My WH went from a doting, involved and AWESOME dad to a man who couldn't be bothered enough to remain in the same state as his kids for more than two months if OW wasn't here too.

Don't know how much you know of my situation, but WH was deployed in Sept. 03.

He came home for 8 days in Jan. 04 for the birth of our son. (We have two older daughters, they were 9 & 7 at the time)

Then, in July he took 6 days to come home and file for divorce.

Now, in the last 10 months he had only seen his daughters and newborn son (and wife) for 8 days.

I found out that his OW had left the place they were deployed to TWO WEEKS before the time he came home.

He took 10 days to visit her after visiting us.

That is 10 days he could have spent with his children who he had spent practically no time with in 10 months. Most of those months he had spent with OW. It had only been fourteen days he had been separated from her.

He 'needed' to see her so much he sacraficed those 10 precious days with his kids to see her.

Sick!!!

Then, he came home in August, lived here with me and the kids until Oct. 14th, hopped into my truck and drove to Texas to be with OW. He's been there ever since...minus a trip home at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I don't understand what brings a person to put their affair partner over their children. Or to allow their relationship with their children to become so detached.

My guess is that the children are a constant innocent reminder of what they are doing.

The WS can rewrite their history with US as much as they want. They can look at us and lie and turn us into the bad guy.

They can't do that with their children and so some of them detach or run.

That's my best guess.

There's that whole alien and the mothership therory that makes just as much sense though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Maybe a little of both.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RIF:
<strong> Hey David,

I've never been in this situation, but could it be that she wants to leave the kids with you in order to make it easier for her and the OM to be together? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe, but I've neve rknown her to do anything like this - if you've followed my story you'd know what I mean. Something smells fishy. I do have the upper hand, tho. I already have D+custody papers ready to file, and her handing the kids over is an argument in my favor.

She's a law student tho - she knows EXACTLY what she's doing every damn step of the way. That's what's got me so confused. Unless it IS the fog!!!!

David

Howdy, Pete!

Here we are late night again...! But since you asked, actually "yes" I have been in that position before.

Just a quick reminder...my exH is not a well individual. He is diagnosed with bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), with borderline personality disorder, with anxiety disorder, and he is a sex addict and a rage addict (probably from his mental illnesses). NOT a well man! Anyway, as our M was ending I was just becoming aware of all these serious issues (I knew they were there before, just didn't have a name for 'em), and I decided that in the divorce the only hill I was willing to die on was custody.

See, we were married for 15 years, and had two kids who were 13yo and 15yo at the time (15yo and just turned 18yo now). Anyway, during most of our M, my XH chased women and had A's and was away at work, and I was a work-at-home mom. I ran a business and the household from home, so the kids and I were kind of used to being alone. When the fecal matter hit the oscelator, I did not want to end the parent-relationship XH had with his kids--I just wanted it to continue as it always had been.

In my separation agreement proposal (which included the parenting agreement) I proposed that the kids were old enough to spend time with both of us, but that they "home base" (those words are in the agreement) with me and have regular, scheduled visits with their dad AND have visits where they just dropped over and hung out with him. We purposely arranged to live within 3 miles from each other, so I figured the kids could walk, ride bikes, ride the bus, or get a ride for that short of a distance!! Shoot--their schools were farther away!!

Much to my surprise, not only did my XH agree, he never put up any kind of fight for his own kids whatsoever! In fact, he refused to pay any support for them until a judge forced him...he has no desire for the one, scheduled visit and has quit those visits altogether with our son...it's BIZARRE! I mean, they are his flesh and blood children and it's like he can just pretend they don't exist! But I think what bugs me the most is that it feels a lot like he replaced his irreplaceable, precious children with his OW.

I do not get that. I just do not have it in me to understand how a parent can just walk away from their children and act as if they no longer exist--all for the "love" of a person who is lying, cheating, and knowingly destroying a family. I DO NOT GET IT!!


CJ

Faith -

Well, I trust you implicitly. Just seems to me that this is too easy. Even in my own EA, I would have NEVER given up on my kids - I would have fought till I was broke and destitute and without resource for them....makes no sense.....

Pete,

Not that I'm saying this IS the way it's going to be, but I'll bet it'll go something like this:

While OM is in the picture and the A is still "fantasy", she will completely abandon her children and had NO CLUE that she is doing it.

Once the beauty fades on the A rose, WW may wake up a bit or have some guilt, and then attempt to be "super mom"--everything will be HER way -and- she'll use "the childrens' best interest" a lot.

Once she tires of how much "super mom" interferes with her lovenest, she will revert to underinvolved divorcee, which is, "The kids would LIKE the OM if they ever got to meet him" and "Oh, this will not harm the kids. They are resilient. In fact, it harms them more if I'm in an unhappy marriage." PPPPFFFTTTT!

What a CROCK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, what I have described above is fairly typical, so don't be too surprised if that how it pans out.

Little story: my XH moved out-of-state TWICE and totally dumped the kids for six months at a time. I can specifically remember times when the kids would cry themselves to sleep and ask me "Doesn't Dad love me anymore? Why'd he just leave?" Six months later, when I told him, he said I was just trying to make him feel guilty for feeling happy. NO KIDDING!!

(shaking head) Sometimes the mothership should just beam them up!


CJ

Faith - that's what I'm afraid of - what kind if harm can she do to the kids. So far, they want nothing to do with her shenanigans (sp?) but if she starts throwing toys and goodies their way I've got problems.I hope that won't happen, although it is common in her family. But I want the kids to be happy and content, and I do NOT want my dear W (horrible b*tch WW) to hurt them, and then realize it later....

Just worried. David

David,

Let your children know your fears (about buying off love and stuff). My son at 6 years old told me that 'children do not like to lied to'.

We did talk about how he would feel if his dad tried to buy his affection, love and loyalty. Son said he w/b willing to give up all his toys if his dad would come back and be a good dad and H for us. That made me cry, then it made me mad at the WS. The wave of emotions.

My suggestion is to meet this fear head on. Don't go around it. Make you and your children a 1 pkg deal. Let them know you want their mom and your W back but not this WS who is a stranger and may try to lure the children away in an attempt to break up the family.

JMHO,
L.

David,
I wonder... Can you make it part of the agreement that gifts are okay on birthdays but otherwise you guys should coordinate/agree upon gift giving. The last message that kids should get is that gifts are replacing love! Even your incredibly fogged wife should understand that point.