She just called me and asked to meet for lunch before our mediation.

I am cautiosly optimistic.

Fog lights needed for me, give me the "watch out" 2x4's please

Hosea -

I don't know too much about what's going on...I just know that in my situation WW seems to want to continue EVERYTHING without giving up OM. Cam by my apartment yesterday and wanted to go to church with me, wants to date me, everything....but will not commit to give NC with OM.

Use care, pray for wisdom.

Georgia

Just listen, reflect what you think you hear, and tell her you need to think about what she is saying. I'd tell her very little and just listen to what she has to say.

Just let her know you hear her. Only tell her how you feel is she asks, you can let her talk without LB'ing, and learn alot about where she is.

Doesn't mean you have to believe everything, just listen and learn.

Don't try to teach, don't try to convince and don't try to change her mind, just listen and learn.

HTH,

T

And don't give up anything where your children are concerned! Use caution Hosea, she is still an alien. {{Hosea}}

Praying for your meeting today.

You dont need them Hosea.

You know what she will try...you know what all WSs try. I do believe reality is setting in, though. So go and listen. Listen. Do not make any agreements except to think about it and get back to her. Nothing is going to happen at mediation today that is conrete. It can all be changed. So, stick to your guns on that.

If she wants to stop it all and work on the marriage, then tell her to bring it up in mediation. Then you express that you are willing to do that, but that she must show some good faith initiative by agreeing that you get primary physical custody (joint legal) while you work on this. This will be pendente lite, so it can all still be changed in any final divorce decree. Her lawyer will tell her that.

But for you, unless you do something stupid, once you get pendente lite, judges rarely change the situation in the fianl decree.

So, sit down and listen. Express your love to her and what you want to see out of your marriage. And tell her you can do this, if this is what she is talkign about. But she is going to have to step up to the plate. That once the pendente lite custody is taken care of, you are willing to take as long as it takes to work on things...and the divorce can just be put on hold.

In His arms.

Hosea,

I was just getting ready to post on your other thread when I saw this one, so I am going to combine my thoughts here on this one.

First, if this mediation is like others, you will first be in a room together with the mediator. The mediator will tell you "the rules of the game" so to speak. He/She will then allow each of you to make some form of "opening statement" that is basically your position on the subject. The other is not allowed to interrupt. Then, unless there is a common ground from which to work with the two of you together, the mediator will separate you out into different rooms and play go between trying to get each of you to see the other's perspective and reach a middle ground.

Now, as for your WW's behavior over the past couple days and her request to meet for lunch immediately before the mediation - you have to ask yourself - honestly, not wishfully - is she sincere or is she trying to manipulate you? Is she only being nice and giving you false hope to gain the upper edge in the mediation? Is she using it as a way to get you to be more willing to give in to her? In other words, could she be thinking, "I'll make him think that I am thinking about coming home and tell him all these nice things before the mediation so that he will be willing to give, give, give in the mediation in order to make me follow through on my promises. Meanwhile, I'll have my fingers crossed behind my back and renig (sp?) when the mediation is over."

Call me untrusting...unfortunately....

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-3
Status: D-day 5/02, Divorce final 5/04 after 2 years of trying to recover marriage.

Hosea,

Okay...take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and take a moment to clear your mind. Dude, give your emotions a chance to calm down so that your mind can re-engage.

I know you have not yet sent her an official Plan B letter, but may I suggest that ANY meeting be handled similiar to the "requirements" of Plan B? For example, she has been dumped by her OM and he's "moving on" so that does not mean that she chose you and her family...it means that she has nowhere else to turn and now she's grasping for straws. "Let's see...if the OM isn't going to have me, I can always turn to good old Hosea."

Sooooo, even though you never made the Plan B requirements OFFICIAL, I suggest that you take some time to calm your mind and come up with some things that you require in order to even consider reconciliation...such as:

1) ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT--a letter is sent that you see, certified mail to OM stating that she is choosing your marriage!!

2) INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING--with a pro-marriage counselor (or coach) who will help your wife identify HER personal weaknesses so she builds the personal strength to not have an affair again. She has to attend for a certain amount of time (like 3 months) and participate and do the work!

3) MARRIAGE COUNSELING--with you at a pro-marriage counselor (or coach) who will help both of you identify your EN's and eliminate LB's. She has to attend for a certain amount of time (like 3 months) and participate and do the work! She also has to meet some of your EN's and stuff too!

4) APOLOGIZE--not only to you, but to the kids, and to her parents, and to your parents, and to all the other people in her life and your life whom she affected with her selfish decisions.

4) ACCOUNTABILITY--she is WILLINGLY to be accountable to you for her time, her cell phone, and her email and time on the internet. None of this "privacy!!" baloney!!!

Soooo...you go to your meeting before the mediation and say, "Are you willing to do all these things? Because once you are, then I am willing to have you back. Until then, you are just desperate and not really willing to work things out with me." This communicates to your WW that you have some self-respect and that she can not [censored] all over you and you'll take it and take her back!

Good luck, Hosea. You've been through h3ll--so don't forget it and cave now. Be strong and THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN and what she did to them.


FNCJ

Hosea,

If you do not feel strong enough to handle the lunch meeting, then don't be afraid to say no. If you think you can handle it, go and just listen. Make no commitment or promises at that meeting.

Expect her to tape your conversation and use it against you. If she doesn't and it goes well, as long as you were quiet she has nothing to say and it w/b positive. If she is vindictive and you say nothing, again you will still fare well.

This is hard but not unusual. WS' pull this kind of stunts a lot. Too bad we can't tell for sure but you have been groomed on how to handle both situations.

All the best.
L.

FaithfulNewCJ: I don't understand the "apologize to everyone". The other requirements are reasonable--I think I would have said, "No way."

On the other hand, I didn't get my family involved in the A. I doubt they even knew about it.