I know I'm not in Plan B, and I'm not mistaking anything for love. He's spinning his wheels because he believes I'm making good on my threat to move one without him.

I don't restart Plan B until after this weekend because my step son is here visiting me, and it's the only way he can see him. (His Aunt, whom has custody won't let WH take him--he's a bad influence with his behavior {the A}).

I just saw him a minute ago at his work, I took the kids over there, and he's hitting on me HARD. I'm blowing all the advances off.....when I was leaving he said "So that's the way you're gonna be huh?" I said "Yep".

I don't feel like he's treating me like his sex doll, he's not even doing anything off color, as I have never refused him sex before, what else would he think, but that I'm still gonna give it to him? But you see, crucial difference here, I'm not giving it up. Sorry go see your little whore about that problem. (I'm not gonna say that...lol, but that's what I think) So I'm just gonna sorta watch him twist in the wind for a bit, and then go back into plan B as soon as DS15 goes home.

-Caren

I thought I'd better clarify something real quick. I didn't break plan B because his son was coming over, WH was talking like he wanted to work on things a few weeks ago, although he hadn't met any of my demands, I folded and started talking to him again.

I just didn't want you to think I broke it simply because DS15 was coming here.

He appears to be scared that I am moving on, which is what this desperate sex thing is. He knows I have missed that, so that's the avenue he's choosing, and I'm shutting him down everytime he tries.....but in the past, I have NEVER told him no, in fact I was the one who was initiating SF since the separation. Now I'm backing off and he's not sure what to do.

Suffer.

-Caren

-Caren

Hey Caren,

I hate the weekends too but life goes on. Today I went out for a nice bike ride which really felt good. It is getting warmer here in Wisconsin.

Hang in the Caren. I pray for you all the time.

Keith

And I pray for you also Keith.

Thanks for the post, I appreciate it.

Peace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Caren

Hi, I dont think I ever have posted to you before but have followed your story closely. I think we are alot alike. I too can get easily sucked back in by WH. But not lately..you can only take so much before you start to dislike yourself.

I am here if you want to talk. I think you have a wonderful chance of succeding...Good Luck

L

Caren,

I was reading this thread and seen how your self confidence has been flushed down the toilet. Don't feel bad about saying what a great person you are - you need to believe that.

Before this latest EA that my wife is having, I was very confident. I graduated top in my class in college and have a very good management position. But when this hit, I felt like the dumbest most worthless SOB to walk the face of the earth.

My self esteem is slowly coming back. I hope this chapter of my life will make me stronger.

Keith

Caren - I promise you when you go to Plan B, things will be much easier. Right now, you don't know how to take care of yourself, and find out what you like. But once you get in Plan B, you will figure it out.

I always took care of kids, and my husband. There was really no me. When he left, I was lost. Also I had no money to spare. But I got busy doing things - exercising, going out with friends, walking, volunteering, trying new things, organizing the house, cleaning, cooking new things.

Now I have started my own property management company in addition to my regular job. I am busy all of the time, and having fun and enjoying life. You will get there too. It takes time and some effort. And yes, you do have to fake it til you make it.

Stay mean, Caren! You can do it....I know! LOL. Stick with your plan and you will win.

With you all the way,

David

Are you guys sure this was the right thing?? It seemed right earlier, why do I feel so horrible turning him down for SF?!?!? I feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach. When I did it, I could tell he was swallowing hard, and his eyes were watery.....I know he's upset, I didn't give an explanation, he was just getting *friendly* and I moved his hand away.

Oh I feel like I'm going to freak out. When he left I just stayed there on the couch like it was no big deal, when I really wanted to run over to him and put my arms around him and ask him to stay....but I didn't, I didn't do it, and now I'm crying. This feels horrible. I'm so insecure I was doubting myself as I was doing it. I was thinking--What if I'm not right? What if this just pushes him farther towards OW? What if he leaves here and runs straight to her?

What if? What if? I'm so scared, I'm praying non-stop here....someone please tell me I did the right thing.

-Caren

He's calling now, I let the kids answer it, I guess I'll update you in the morning.

Okay, he called talked to DD10 and DS15 told them goodnight etc. Then he wanted to talk to me, but just asked what time I'd be bringing DS15 by his house tommorrow. I told him that I would bring him over there so he could see his Dad's house. I am breaking contact after tommorrow......I really feel like I'm going to die.

Okay, I took my remeron, so I'm going to go and try to sleep. I dread it, because I dream of WH every night. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Goodnight

-Caren

Duck Caren, here comes the 2x4...

What if? Well if he runs straight to her then he was gonna anyway... he has choices to make and there is no reason why you should cushion the reality of his consequences at this point... BTDT, got you no where!!

You cannot control him, you cannot change him. You cannot make him faithful, you cannot make him want this M... the only thing you can control here is you and you are doing awesome! <round of applause> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Why should you drop it all and provide him SF just cause he comes a calling? Has he committed to anything? Has he dropped OW? Has he sworn his undying love and affection to you and backed it up w/ consistent actions? NO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just imagine how rotten you'd feel if you did have SFa nd then he got up and left again...and headed right back for OW again....hmmm, that seems to me to suck a whole lot more, don't ya think?! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So sorry, I know you are in pain. I know that it seems like everything is such an effort and it all hurts so bad!!! I know cause I am there too... I am up at 12am cause I can't sleep because there is no one in that bed... and I hate it! Doesn't matter that I have to be to work at 7am....

You can do this, girl, you got alot of people behind you... all these wonderful angels out there cheering us all on and holding us up! (((caren))) Take care of you... no one else will most days, and you deserve it!

YES! You did the right thing. He now is thinking he IS losing you. When you go to plan B again it will only further that he may lose you. Acting aloof is shows him you are preparing to move on without him and he better s* or get off the pot.

BMBO

Caren..

I have no idea what plan you are in..

I have no idea what your goals are...

Do you want to, on your end salvage this marriage...

Or are you ready to walk away....

either answer is fine

you have to decide first...
then act....

but this chaos you invite in
serves neither you...
the children
or your husband...

but I can't advise you till you know what you want...
and even after that..it's only advice.

ARK

Thank you for the support guys.

Ark-

In no uncertain terms I want to save my marriage. I was in plan B but broke it once because he was talking about reconciliation....he didn't meet any of my terms, but he was talking about it and I caved. The 2nd time I broke plan B was due to an eviction notice, and I needed him financially, and then I again caved under the pressure. Currently I'm not in any plan, but I am planning on going back to plan B after today, so my WH was over to visit his DS15 that I had for visitation because I haven't seen him in a while, and his guardians will not let WH have him in light of his recent actions (the A and leaving his family).

So he came over to see him, and I was trying to be aloof the whole time. I stayed on the opposite side of the room all evening (On the floor because the kids were all sitting on the couch). When the kids finally got off the couch I got up there and sorta 1/2 layed down, he came up and sat on the couch and started rubbing my feet (I let him do that..lol, that's not sexual) then he went to massaging my calfs...and kept working his way *up* and I stopped him, it was SO hard to stop him, I want him so much.

He ended up leaving shortly after that, and I went to bed, but I felt awful about it, I didn't let on that I did, but I felt like I was going to throw up.

I am writing a cover letter for my plan B letter and giving it to him again. I know in my head its the right thing to do, but my heart is kicking the crap out of me.

-Caren

Caren, hon, I agree with Ark....

You have to sit down, and make up your mind. What is the payoff you're getting here? Go to plan B, hon, and stay there - DO IT! I'M YELLING AT YOU NOW!!!!! it's the only way you will come out of this on top. You'll either get him back, or your life will improve so much you won't miss him.

Caren, I know how you feel. I've been there. But there is light at the end of the tunnel - regardless of what your WH does!

Caren, you don't know how much you are loved by many of us here at MB - I for one really care, and I pray for you all the time. You are a great friend.

I am pulling for you. Do the right thing for your kids and YOU.

David

I made my decision, I am going to plan B. Is it supposed to feel like this? I don't know what to do, I know the ONLY time I've seen any progress towards reconcilation was in response to my Plan B, and like I've said before I see one little spark, and I pounce on it.....never letting it become a flame.

I KNOW this is what I have to do, but as I said, I can't seem to convince my heart that I'm doing the right thing, it just cries out for him.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Caren <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Caren - let me tell you -

Personal experience...

it will feel like HELL the first two or three days, and then, all of the sudden, things will start to look better. You will feel better, you will be better.

Just remember - just because he SEEMS to be responding is NOT proof that he is. You need to make it very clear in your letter EXACTLY what conditions YOU, WONDERFUL CAREN, MUST HAVE MET in order for him to beb allowed back into your life. You are doing this for YOU - it is the only way things will improve.

I'll keep watching - keep posting

David

Caren,
Please realize, and accept that you MUST be ready for Plan B for you to execute it.

Many, MANY, BS jump into a plan B and can't commit to it, because the fear does exist that the WS will drift away.

With that being said, Plan B is also broken because of the fear it instills in the BS.

My advice is for you truly understand what plan B is and isn't.

Essentially it's preparing you for moving on without your WS. I'm not trying to sway you off it, I just want you to be sure this is the way you want to go.

I'm all for the BS who can get into Plan B, and stick to it. The more times Plan B is started, and broken, the least likely it has to be successful.

Caren, almost every single decision you make from here on out, to save your M, will feel VERY "wrong" on the inside. It is COUNTER-intuitive. That's why we all need this website, so we can be guided in a direction that won't destroy our M before the A has had time to die its natural death.

I also know how EASY it is to justify/rationalize contact during Plan B. I actually had to challenge myself during my limited contact with my FWH. I had to be totally HONEST with myself, which is not as easy as it would seem. The brain has a remarkable way of "creating" reasons for us to do what we REALLY want to do.

Basically, you are suffering from the same ailment as your WH is ~ addiction. You are addicted to him, and he is addicted to OW. Guess who has the ability right now to break the chain of addictions? Yep, you. Right now, you are the strongest, healthiest partner in your M. YOU have to lead by example. YOU have to break your addiction to WH, and by your ACTIONS, show him how to break his addiction to OW.

Right now, the only thing that makes you feel good in your life is WH's attention. Right now, the only thing that makes your WH feel good is OW's attention.

Your Plan B must be more than not answering his phone calls. Your Plan B must be you finding CREATIVE ways (and I know you are creative!) to avoid WH all together. You must have NO VISUALS even! Kid drop-offs and pick ups have turned into BIG drama in your Plan B's. Guess what ~ you have created that. Guess what ~ your kids pay the price for it. They do. I know it is hard to keep them out of it all, but you MUST. I know Mama Bear is capable of anything, so I know you can do what it takes to prevent that in the future.

But back to making NO EXCUSES with yourself. IF you get a D, you CANNOT run to him for money, eviction notices, whatever. And trust me, if he is ready for reconcilliation, you will SEE it, not HEAR it. EVERYthing changes, not just words. Attitudes, the way he treats you, etc. I want to read the post where you come here and say: "Guess what! Something happened today that a couple weeks ago I would have used as an excuse to call WH, and today I handled it on my own!" And it would be a REALLY good reason/excuse to call WH, if you weren't in Plan B. And we will all be so impressed with the CREATIVE way you handled the sitch, that is in line with your desire to save your M.

The most HUGEST red flag for me, in your sitch, is the SF. This can mess with your mind for a long time, Caren. I have seen it here over and over. You should not be meeting ANY of his needs at this time. If you continue to meet ANY of his needs, he will do what ALL WS's do and cake-eat and fence-sit for as long as possible ~ i.e., until you finally realize that if you meet ANY needs, he isn't going to end the A. That is just human nature ~ the human nature that comes out in these A's. So, if you want to continue this drama out, for a long time, continue doing haphazard plans and making spontaneous decisions. Seriously.

First, please remember, this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. Ending the A is only the very beginning of the work required to rebuild a M. You cannot use up all your energy/love right now. Second, when rebuilding your M, both you and your H will feel horrible about how he used you for SF. This could be a wound that takes a LONG time to heal. I didn't have SF with my FWH until he decided to move home and work on our M ~ we were in MC at the time. And it was the BEST decision I could have made, because during our R, when he was "with" me, I knew that he was really "with" me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, this is all very hard stuff, Caren. Every single night before you go to bed, and every single morning when you wake up, you need to say a prayer and ask God to give you the strength for what you need to do that day, or the next day, to do His will.

Hang in there, sweetie. Keep posting.

Spidey

REMEMBER THAT, CAREN, HON: DON'T LET HIM SIT ON THE FENCE AND CAKE EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T DO IT! You can't afford that pain any more.

David