I have read "His/Her Needs","Surviving an Affair", and am reading "If he Only Knew". I also just ordered "Love Must be Tough". I pour over these books.

My WS is in an EA (may have gone to PA) but I know she is seeing the OM is not really interested. She still does not want to reconcile but does talk to me (she just doesn't want to talk about the problems).

Recently she told me that she has discovered through her IC that she is a very critical person and has a hard time seeing the good in people. That was a big step because she tells me so little about her IC.

I am in IC also and have learned that I did not fullfill her EN for intamcy and romance. (I filled the others though). We had a very good relationship otherwise.

Once she realizes the OM will not work out, will she come back to me? Or will she just turn to someone else? What is the norm? She has said so many times (during this ordeal) that she wants to be on her own but I believe it is just fog.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BHINWI:
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Once she realizes the OM will not work out, will she come back to me? Or will she just turn to someone else? What is the norm? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This depends on the man she sees during this period of the A. In other words, if she sees that you are respectable, and honest, and caring then you have the best opportunity to recover your M. If she sees nothing to come back to, then she will move to the next OM. You know the EN's you have not met, try to meet them during the Plan A, also be the best father to those kids, Women will only love a man they respect. Make sure you are that kind of man to your WW.

My Prayers are with you.

Hosea,
Thanks for the kind words. I am showing her what a good person I am. Helped her when she was sick, got her a thoughtful Valentines gift and let her know my progress with my IC. It is tough being strong and reasonable. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I just so wish she would reach out to me more. I would help her. But, this entire thing is a slow process.

I can't even tell my friends and family anymore that I am trying to win her back. They say she is not worth it. They do not know how much I love her.

Keith

Hi Keith,

I think it's wonderful that you are doing a lot fo reading and looking at your role in marriage.But,your WW has cheated on you 3 times now.It's clear that she is the one who is lost and confused ok? You can be the perfect husband and man,do everything to change yourself so your WW will *perceive you to be what she wants and respects but there's a very good chance she needs to figure out her problems on her own and maybe alone.Some people never really do come to terms with their internal struggles.

To my knowledge,2/3rds of marriages do not survive Infidelity.It's a sobering thought.It is so destructive and painful it is so hard to recover from it.It's great if a couple can and I certainly hope that everyone here can do it.But please don't feel like a failure because you were not the illusion your WW is looking for.I worry about those who put too much pressure on themselves to be something they are not or take blame when the WS doesn't come back to the marriage.I am not saying you are like this but I read a fine line there.

I have always felt that by the time a person has made a choice to cheat and goes through with it,it is extremely difficult to come back.

Listen,I sincerely hope that your WW realizes what a great guy you are being for her,all the changes you are making and how you are educating yourself.I hope for everyone on this board,the best outcome.Not what they feel they want or need,but God's best outcome.Sometimes,it's not what we think it is.

Just know that no matter what happens,you will be OK and you have tried your best so be assured.That is all we can do.

O

Be the person you want her to remember as she does what she may thinks is the thing she needs to do. It is hard I know I have been there over and over and I refused to let myself stoop to her level to become someone I did not want to be.

I can say today that in the back of my H mind he always remembered who I was and what I had to offer and somewhere out of the fog he thought we were worth another shot. I did not make it easy for him by being the person he knew I was because he really had to think about us and I did not give him a reason to think badly about me other than what he had made up in his mind to justify what he was doing.

It was not easy I wanted to do the many things that the OW did when he would come home to me and tell him he wasn't happy, he did not like me, hated to touch me, could never be happy with me, she was his best friend, his soul mate and his best sexual partner and she was not going to be here for him waiting, that he had one life and needed to be happy and it wasn't with his W.... each time he came home he went back to her until he left the house and got a taste of what she is really like and when the fog lifts there is hope.... Keep the faith I know many nights I have been here reading and wondering if I would ever get the chance to make my marriage work!

Hang in there and be who you are - you are the best thing you have going and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!