Sheba could read all of thread because of her WebTV, so here it goes...I think it worked...I copied and pasted.<P>Faith Hope Love<BR>Member posted September 21, 1999 10:19 AM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Trustntruth,<BR>Well I am not the wise young cl, but since your personality profile is so much like mine (INFP) which in my case can be likened to a marshmellow with a steeley hard core, maybe I can suggest a few things.<BR>Trustntruth, you are tenderhearted. You know what is right, want to live by those incredibily high standards and want the same for your loved ones.<P>The problem is it fries our brains when others are not playing by the same rules. I mean if someone pointed out something to us and convince us it was not "right" we would change whatever it was for the sake of our integrity...don't you think? We tend to me more driven by internal guidelines, in both of our cases based on our faith, than by external. Even if we could "get away" with something we would not because we would have to live with ourselves. I know I am harder on myself than anyone else could be.<P>Unfortunately this is not the world view. Look at the White House...deny, deny, deny. And on the other side of the aisle...when Newt's affair came out last month or so, I wanted to slap him too. How can people be so incogruent and show their face? And the whole idea character doesn't count in public life? It makes me want to breath into a bag. To me character is paramount (which includes recovering from mistakes with humility and grace), integrity is everything. OK enough of my speech. <P>However, we are also peace keepers and we are incredibly skilled at this. Although we feel legitimate anger and indignation, we have a hard time applying tough love in our relationships. It feels unnatural and unkind. Plus we stink at it...at least I do. Actually I'm pretty good at it with my kids, but I know I'm the boss and I'm accountable for them. Marriage is not the same kind of relationship as parent/child and that is the challenge.<P>How do we practice tough love in an intimate relationship with a partner that does not seem to share the same values and stay true to our vows and within God's plan for our marriage? <P>I'm not sure. OK...so I'm not a big help. But I did read an interesting chapter in another short book. It said that truth telling is more important than peace keeping and the well being of the other person is more important than the current comfort level in the relationship. In other words letting the other person continue in dishonesty and whatever wrong doing is not the best for that person, although confronting the problem will be anything but peaceful.<P>Your particular problem, is more complex because we want you to be safe and your H sounds volitile. And I don't think he is operating under the same value system so I'm not sure how effective this type of tough love can be. <P>The bottem line is if you want to stay married no matter what you have to decide whether or not it is safe to make waves and pretty much stuff some things or put patches on them. If you are willing to risk your marriage...meaning making it right or getting out, then you need to resolve your differences because look what its doing to you. But you need to be safe.<P>Praying for you<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13<P> <BR>cl<BR>Member posted September 21, 1999 10:25 AM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>HI TNT, real quick cuz I have puter problems and am on a slow old 486! <BR>RX is 4 wks in Fiji. <BR> <BR>Sheba<BR>Member posted September 21, 1999 10:30 AM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Hi Folks -<BR>With this stupid Webtv - I can't see the whole thread!!!!!!<P>Can you make a part 2 - FHL?<P>I hope that I haven't missed the whole thing and that you are done with it already!!! <P>I have to go to work soon but wanted to do this one tonight.......<P>Unless you're finished.<P>let me know somewhere cuz I can't see on this one.<P>Thanks!!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P> <BR>Faith Hope Love<BR>Member posted September 21, 1999 10:32 AM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Sheeba...don't know what you're talking about. Please clarify and I will do it if possible.<BR> <BR>trustntruth<BR>Member posted September 21, 1999 10:44 AM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Bookin' my flight now. Yes ma'am.... <BR> <BR>cl<BR>Member posted September 21, 1999 08:07 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I ordered the book, but it is not here yet. Should have arrived last week. <BR>Can both of our teachers start on judgements? I think it would be very good...both for relationships and forum. <BR>If we see the judgemental parts clearer I believe it will bring the detachment nto better focus. <BR>TNT, your h is avoiding because he is afraid of what he will find if he looks to deep. I cannot blame him in a way. It is safe, not always cozy, but real safe known ground he is on. He is chauvinistic...and I am not sure how to deal with that effectively. My h tends that way if left to drift too long. Some of his family is not always real keen on me either! But they have learned that this is what they get from me!! If nothing else I am consistent. I think that the gentle approach works better for me in these areas, but I am not convinced that this underlying chauvinistic attitude will ever go away-so I try to keep it at bay. <BR>I guess you are not going to be able to make him grow up...ever. He needs to do it himself. I wonder if having the girls there will help that? If he expects them to start taking responsibility and being realible, then won't he have to be? <BR>[This message has been edited by cl (edited September 21, 1999).]<BR> <BR>
