I just read your response on hb's thread about H leaving and plan b back on 9/18. In there you stated that your H wasn't sure if you loved him and if you could ever trust him. How did you go about proving it to him and when did you start?<P>I went into plan b 5/99 and H filed for divorce 6/99. We started having some contact in the beginning of 8/99 and it slowly increased. <P>H has been denying the affair from the very beginning saying they are just good friends. H & OW got into a huge fight one day about me calling him(our son was sick and I had a question for him). I heard the fight because his phone somehow redialed my number and they didn't know it and the phone was off the hook. I now refer to OW as "psycho b****".(They don't know that I heard this fight). H & I never fought as bad as they were(she was choking him). The following week, we met with our attorneys (just before labor day weekend) and it was a battle between my attorney and H. We finally had a long(15 min) conversation the following Tues and I told him that I loved him, missed him and wanted him home to rebuild our marriage. He keeps saying he doesn't know how our marriage will work if there's no trust. He said he can trust me, but doesn't know how I could ever trust him.<P>So, there's my dilema. I am now in Plan A per Steve Harely's advice and I am trying to be as nice as possible. I'm not sure where to go from here. Your experience will help me greatly. Thanks.

Jackie<BR>I have only got a minute. I have to go to my son's football game so I will be gone a few hours. <BR>I wanted you to know I saw your post.<BR>I never went to plan B. Started immediately after discovery but my H's affair got much more intense after discovery.<BR>It was in January so I will think hard about some of the things I did.<BR>I hadn't found this forum yet so I was definitely winging it.<BR>One thing I do know is that I gave up every bit of pride I owned and just gave and gave and gave. They need to feel worthy of forgiveness. That's where you can help him.<BR>I'll get back with more specifics later!!!

jackie<BR>Sorry! This is the first time I've sat down since my last post to you.<BR>I asked my H what it was that convinced him of my love and the hope for the future.<BR>He told me it was in my actions. The way my eyes still shone when I was with him. The smile on my face. The energy that I forced myself to have when around him. I would have the music playing and start dancing with him.<BR>He was not cooperative by any means at first. But I just kept acting like we had nothing but this wonderful future together.<BR>The one thing I talked about that made a difference was THE FUTURE. it made him think past the moment. I talked about future grandchildren, the trips we would take when kids were gone....<BR>I did this all while he was running around constantly with the bimbo.<BR>I don't know if this helps. I think it is really important to get them to look beyond today.<BR>It may have been a lovebuster but I would also make him think about the future if it was with her. What his friends, family, children would think. i told him to look at the people he knew who had been through this. Not one of them is with the OW but their families have moved forward.<BR>Just deep smiling and loving. Make your eyes shine when you are with him.<BR>I flirted more in those months than I ever had before. With him. I acted shamelessly. I had no pride. I loved him and I was darn well going to show him that he couldn't do better. And that it was real.<BR>I know he had reason to be suspicious of my motives. Perseverance was the answer.<BR>Please if you have any other questions ask. I don't know if i'm any help but I'd like to be.

Thank you so much for your response. I was in plan b, it seems, for so long that I even find it hard to make eye contact. I know h is suspicious and probably boggled by my sudden contact. I'm not sure if I should ease into it or what. I'm not sure if I want to be so obvious either--I mean with the divorce action in place and all. This whole ordeal has been going on for almost a year. I discovered affair 11/98 and when I confronted him, he left that night. I feel there is so much distance and time between us already that it will feel awkward.<P>I'm definately not up to some of the things that you did. I even feel funny flirting with him. I feel like it's not sincere because it will be such a turn around from how I have been acting in the past--with no contact and all. Did your H ever feel that it wasn't sincere? Thanks again.

jackie<BR>If there was a plan B for me it was before discovery. We were having a very hard time.<BR>I usually sleeping in another room and we rarely interacted.<BR>He had been a major jerk for months before his affair. I wanted nothing to do with him.<BR>The weird part of my story is that i had a major concussion 2 days before discovery.<BR>I know that if I had been alone I would probably have died. So 24 hours after that H takes off to spend the weekend with OW.<BR>he was really screwed up!<BR>Anyway, The concussion and discovery made me realize that I had nothing to lose by giving it everything I had. <BR>Yes my H was suspicious about my motives. I probably was a little insane. That kind of injury makes you see life a little differently. I threw myself into saving our marriage. I did not want to wait because I had just realized that there might not be a tomorrow.<BR>He was suspicious but how can you resist that kind of stubborness?<BR>I have never flirted in my life. I have never done any of those things in my life. I just gave it everything I had.<BR>I had everything to gain and no pride.<BR>The way we were before discovery is very much like you describe your feelings now.<BR>I shocked him. I sent him for a tailspin but I also showed him what he had.<BR>I probably couldn't do it again. But it was worth it.<BR>Go slow if you need to. Look especially good. I know you can put the twinkle in your eyes. Make him wonder what is going on in your head. Give him little half smiles. Build on that. I know you can do it!!!!!