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#1314405 02/28/05 12:07 AM
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I think my husband has finally quasi - moved on with his life. I say quasi because he and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago and asked him point blank if he wanted our marriage -answer "NO." So I took that as he wanted a divorce but whenever I ask him if he is going to file all I get is this blank stare. What do you make out of that? Don't tell me that he's thinking - I won't believe that anymore. A few days ago, I went to his apt and looked around - he has removed everything in the apt that would remind him of me. What the f!@#.

I've gone from a Plan A to Plan B, but nothing as come out of it. He still wants us to be friends, but how on earth can we be friends with her in the picture - this is all new to me still - eventhough it's been almost a year. He just doesn't get it and it upsets me that he believes that I can go from being his wife to just a friend and to see another woman hanging all over him. I just can't comprend this and it does make me so upset.

#1314406 02/27/05 07:32 PM
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Dear Dreams,

You are aware that both plans A & B are NOT about doing anything to or for the WS right? Those plans are about you and for you as the BS.

With that given point, you need to move forward so that you are in a safe position to move forward with your life. He is still a WS and falling behind from your forward movement each day he remains as a WS.

Now you say it's been a year. What are your boundaries? Have you implemented them? Do you think you are really in plan B? If so, since when?

L.

#1314407 02/27/05 09:31 PM
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Orchid --

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are aware that both plans A & B are NOT about doing anything to or for the WS right? Those plans are about you and for you as the BS.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree that plan A is not about doing anything for the WS ... in plan A we put the taker on hold and our giver has to be active 24/7.

To quote Bramble Rose
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But in Plan A, our Giver has to step up to the plate and we have to put the Taker on hold.

This means having to smile, act cheerful, perform acts of love (fill ENs), and root out lovebusters - when our Taker is raging inside, wanting to scream, cry, hurt back, beg, appease - whatever it takes to get our needs met, our world fixed and to get everything rebalanced.

This is why Dr. Harley says we can't follow our instincts - our instincts get us into trouble. Our Taker wants us to withdraw, to defend, to attack, to demand, to force the situation back into control.

We have to ignore our Taker in Plan A. It means having emotions, but choosing actions that are not emotionally based, but rather rationally based.

This means that we will FEEL like a doormat. That FEELING is because of a restrained Taker. This is why Plan A is only a limited timeline and Plan B is so important...because Plan A, done well, WILL drain a lovebank - since there is no Taker standing by to plug the leaks.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This does not mean accepting abuse from the WS -- but it does mean doing things to and for the WS.

It also means setting up boundaries and providing for safety. But you still need to meet WS ENs in Plans A -- which does mean doing things to and for them.

Maybe I misunderstand what you mean.

way2

#1314408 02/28/05 02:17 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dreamsgone:
<strong> I think my husband has finally quasi - moved on with his life. I say quasi because he and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago and asked him point blank if he wanted our marriage -answer "NO." So I took that as he wanted a divorce but whenever I ask him if he is going to file all I get is this blank stare. What do you make out of that? Don't tell me that he's thinking - I won't believe that anymore. A few days ago, I went to his apt and looked around - he has removed everything in the apt that would remind him of me. What the f!@#.

I've gone from a Plan A to Plan B, but nothing as come out of it. He still wants us to be friends, but how on earth can we be friends with her in the picture - this is all new to me still - eventhough it's been almost a year. He just doesn't get it and it upsets me that he believes that I can go from being his wife to just a friend and to see another woman hanging all over him. I just can't comprend this and it does make me so upset. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not familiar with your situation, but how are you in Plan B, if you are having dinner with him and visiting his apartment?

#1314409 02/28/05 02:32 AM
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From the MB article site: "....plan A is negotiating (without anger, disrespect or demands) to eliminate the annoying behavior or improve the meeting of emotional needs. "

In order to do this, the BS must first work on themselves. To remove any annoying behavior and improve their ability to meet emotional needs. 1st the BS must identify and understand their own emotional needs and then identify and evaluate the EN of their spouse.

Then as the MB article states: Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.


The continuation of the article is when plan A doesn't work and why: But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B. "


There is more to these articles. You can find it in the home page under 'articles'.

Hope this helps.

L.


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